To get over your divorce, you’ve got to grieve.
Grief and grieving are typically associated with death. But there are lots of other losses that can also trigger grief.
According to The University of Texas at Austin’s Counseling and Mental Health Center, some of the other losses that can trigger grief are the loss of a friendship, serious illness of a loved one, leaving your home, change of job, loss of a physical ability, loss of financial security and relationship breakup.
Getting divorced will trigger grief. It’s normal to feel a lot of pain about the end of your marriage and all the other losses that are part of your divorce.
Yet feeling miserable isn’t where you want to stay. You want to move on with your life and you know that there are stages to grief. Yet you just can’t seem to stop crying.
Dealing with grief is complicated – especially when you’re grieving divorce because there aren’t social norms for you (or your family and friends) to follow to help you get through your divorce grief.
So if you’re ready to begin dealing with your grief so you can move on with your life, you’re going to have to take matters into your…
Read more: Divorcing? 9 Tips For Dealing With Grief
You can confidently and without regret answer this question for yourself.
One of the most difficult questions you’ll ever ask yourself is "Is my marriage over?" It’s rarely a simple yes or no that you can confidently offer as a response. (There are some circumstances when you should immediately choose to divorce, but, thankfully, people dealing with those situations usually already know they need to end their marriage.)
You’ll struggle with this question for several reasons.
"Is my marriage over?" is a highly emotionally charged question. Your emotions ping pong between upset, sadness, fear, worry, nostalgia and a whole host of others as you struggle to figure out your answer. And when your emotions are so strongly engaged it’s almost impossible to think clearly.
The stakes are high when you begin asking this question. You’re facing a fork in the road. Either you stay or you go. There’s no in-between.
Although you’re asking yourself ‘Is my marriage over?’, the truth is that your answer will impact many more people than just you. Obviously, your spouse and kids (and pets) will be deeply affected by what you choose. But so will your family, your spouse’s family, and your friends. It’s a whole lot of…
Read more: How To Answer The Question ‘Is My Marriage Over?’
When you divorce, you’ll make promises to yourself that don’t make sense to keep for the long haul.
Last May my husband (he’s my second) and I (I’m his third wife) celebrated our anniversary. But it was an event that almost didn’t happen because of a promise I made to myself after I divorced.
When I got divorced in 2002, I hurt. The pain was so intense that I wasn’t sure I’d survive it.
I kept having fleeting thoughts of suicide, but I was assured that those thoughts were pretty normal. I was still worried though. What if those thoughts started to stay around longer? What would I do then? How would I stop them? I was terrified by the unfamiliarity of these self-destructive thoughts that kept popping up. Was I losing my mind?
I also wasn’t taking very good care of myself. I mean we all have trouble sleeping when we’re going through divorce, and I was doing my best to try to get better sleep. But that wasn’t eating either. Food had mostly lost its appeal.
But I was also withholding food from myself for two other reasons. First, I didn’t want to get fat. In my mind I associated being fat with…
Read more: Some Promises Are Meant To Be Broken
You never know what people will say, but you don’t have to let their words destroy you.
You’d like to believe that people would be kind and compassionate to you when you’re getting divorced. After all it is one of the most stressful things you can go through.
And sometimes you’re lucky because people are kind and compassionate. But there are always those people who say the most awful things.
Here are just a few of the horrible comments my clients have reported they’ve been told:
“Just get over your divorce already!” a helping professional, a friend, and a family member
“I knew he was still cheating on you when you reconciled, but I didn’t want to tell you since you were trying to make it work.” a friend
“Why do you care if he’s seeing someone else? You left him.” a friend and a family member
“I don’t know why you married her in the first place. I never liked her.” a parent
“Oh my GOD! You’ll NEVER make it on your own with those kids. You never should have had them.” a friend
What’s most painful about this horrible shit that people say is who’s saying it. It’s…
Read more: How To Deal With The SH*T People Say When You're Getting Divorced
Once you know these reasons, you won’t stay stuck for long while dealing with your divorce.
Nobody wants to admit that they get stuck along the way in dealing with their divorce it would be like admitting to yet another shortcoming.
“My marriage failed and I can’t get over it!” Making a statement like that for many people would be tantamount to taking out an ad on Facebook saying “I’m a loser.”
But the truth is that everyone gets stuck somewhere along the way dealing with divorce.
Getting stuck at least once is normal because learning how to get over divorce isn’t a required course before getting married. Besides that, it doesn’t matter how many books you’ve read, how many times you’ve talked it over with your divorced friends, or even how many celebrity divorces you’ve followed, you’re going to get stuck. (Yes, this is true even if you’ve been divorced before because every divorce is unique.) You don’t know what it will take for you to get over your divorce until you’re done dealing with it.
However, in all my years working with people dealing with divorce and going through my own divorce I’ve found the most common reasons people get stuck.…
Read more: 7 Reasons People Get Stuck While Dealing With Divorce