Engage both your heart and your head to find your perfect match after divorce.
Are you afraid of getting into another relationship because your marriage ended in divorce? But you're also afraid of being alone for the rest of your life? But maybe you can find the REAL love of your life if you can just get over the terror of getting stuck with the same kind of person you just divorced!
It's confusing isn't it? Believe it or not, what you're experiencing is pretty typical of what we all go through post-divorce. And there is a solution to the confusion. You can fix your picker and discover true love.
The solution is not very romantic, but it works. You need to treat choosing your next mate like you're interviewing them for a job.
Yup, you're going to interview for someone who will hold a very special place in your life and your heart. You're going to have to look past the initial romance of the flutterings of your heart (and past the great sex). The attraction, connection and sexual tension are just the minimum requirements.
To fix your picker you need to critically evaluate the character of the person. You must refuse to settle. And…
Read more: Divorced? Here's How To Find The REAL Love Of Your Life
They're not your spouse anymore, so stop cyber-stakling them!
An exhole is an ex who acts like an a**hole. In my role as a divorce coach, I've heard all kinds of stories from my clients and family law attorneys. Many times, the stories a client tells me are about their ex behaving like an exhole, but not always. Sometimes I have clients who don't immediately realize that THEY are the exhole.
Here are some suggestions to keep you from being an exhole so you can move on with your life:
1. Respect your ex's home as their home. A woman filed for divorce and moved out with the idea that the man she'd been having an affair with would leave his spouse too. He did — for a while. After her divorce was final, he moved back in with his wife. This woman got tired of living alone in an apartment and so she would just show up at her ex's house when he was gone and let herself in. At first she claimed it was because she missed the cats. Then she started showing up at different times wanting to talk with her ex, or she'd "surprise" him by stopping by to cook a meal…
Read more: You May Be Mad At Your Ex, But Don't Be An Exhole
A childhood claim is the key to divorce recovery. Seriously!
"You're not the boss of me!" is a familiar refrain from the playground. Remember shouting it at one of your friends when they got a little too bossy?
Well, believe it or not, "You're not the boss of me!" is a fantastic thing to say to yourself whenever your divorce, your ex, your friends and family, or even your attorney seem too bossy or overwhelming.
This childhood claim of personal power is just the thing to break the tension and stress. It is your cue to stop being reactive and start being more purposeful. In other words, you really do get to be the boss of you!
How do you know if you're being a good boss? Look for these signs that you're doing a fantastic job:
- You talk about it, but not incessantly. Talking about what's going on helps you to come to grips with your divorce and to think of new ways to deal with all of the changes and demands. But you also know that if all you're doing is talking, you're probably stuck and could use the help of a coach or counselor to get moving forward again.
Read more: 17 Healthy Signs You're Handling Your Divorce Like A Boss!
Your holidays may not be perfect this year, but you can still enjoy them!
Anticipating your first holidays after your divorce (or separation) is horrible. Everywhere you look there are reminders that this is a time for families to be together.
But that's not true for you. You won't ever have your family together again - at least not like it was. You won't always be able to spend the holidays with your kids because now you'll be taking turns with your ex.
And yet the holidays can still be magical for you. It will just take a bit of effort and a shift or two in perspective.
Look, I didn't believe my first holidays post-divorce would be anything but horrible either. I was wrong though. I wound up having a great holiday season and here are the three things I did to take the horrible out of my holidays.
- Accept the invitations (at least some of them) from your friends and extended family.I thought I would be alone and forgotten for the holidays because I felt completely forgettable. On the other hand, I didn't want to have a bunch of pity invitations either. But my friends and family reached out to me and showered me…
Read more: Divorced? 3 Tips For Taking The Horrible Out Of Your Holidays
There's no EASY way to know when to leave, but there is an easier way.
At one time or another, almost every married person I know (including my husband and me) has questioned whether or not to call it quits.
It's an incredibly painful question to ask yourself because the only way to answer it is to dig down deep, way past the superficial hurts. And for most of us, there's no black and white answer about whether you're ready to leave your marriage or not. There are just too many things to weigh and consider as you figure out what's best for you (and your kids).
At its heart, your question is really about values, respect and what you fundamentally want for your life. (No one besides you will know how to answer this question for you.)
Here are six key questions to consider as you determine the larger question of whether you're ready to end your marriage, work to make it better, or just accept it as it is:
1. How is your sex life?
Sex is an important part of marriage. At its best, sex is a baring and sharing of both bodies and souls. At its worst, it's just another chore to…
Read more: 6 Tough Questions You Must Ask BEFORE Leaving Your Marriage