Divorce Blog

Yes, Homosexual Divorce Hurts Too (DUH!)

Even “nice” prejudices cause more harm than good.

I’m sick and tired of all the divisiveness we’re subjected to every day here in the US. Our culture seems to thrive on the us vs. them mentality.

We see it in the way people segregate themselves into groups with a strong loyalty that often transcends logic (often referred to as tribalism). Just a few examples include the rabid nature of our 2-party political system (especially during election time); the way we root for our favorite teams; how we identify not as being Americans, but as a particular type of American (African, Latino, Chinese, etc.); and in our sexuality.

Now don’t get me wrong. I believe having a strong sense of identity is important and that challenge can promote growth. But we go overboard with it when we use our sense of us vs. them to produce barriers that prevent communication or to promote a prejudice – even when that prejudice is “nice”.

One of the “nice” prejudices I’ve repeatedly run across has to do with same-sex divorce.

The right for same-sex couples to marry in every state is still new (it became the law of the land on June 26, 2015). Many same-sex couples have…

Read more: Yes, Homosexual Divorce Hurts Too (DUH!)

When Co Parenting Is Impossible

No child is doomed when co parenting is impossible after divorce.

Coparenting isn’t always the best choice for raising happy, healthy kids after divorce.

As idyllic as many divorce professionals make coparenting sound for parents who don’t live together, sometimes it’s just impossible to do.

Some reasons co parenting is impossible include:

  • A parent is actively abusing alcohol, drugs or another substance
  • A parent is incarcerated
  • A parent is violent or has threatened violence against an adult, child, pet or property
  • One parent has active restraining orders against the other parent
  • A parent has an appropriate sexual behavior or other acting out behavior
  • A parent neglects or has abandoned their child (children)
  • A parent has a history of frequent, unexpected moves or plans to move out of the area
  • A parent is actively alienating their child/children from the other parent
  • There’s simply too much friction between the parents to communicate at the level necessary for coparenting.

But just because you can’t enter into a coparenting relationship with your child or children’s other parent, that doesn’t mean that your divorce will destroy your children. What’s most important for your children to adjust well to your divorce is that you adjust well to it because your emotions are contagious.

When coparenting is impossible, you do have other options. You…

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Who Does Co-Parenting Benefit?

Who does co-parenting benefit? The kids, but there are others.

Co-parenting is not just about the kids.

Co-parenting is a term that most people don’t hear until they’re separating or divorcing. But the truth is that co-parenting is the ideal way to parent regardless of marital status. (Although, ideal doesn’t mean it will work best for you and your situation.) That’s because parents who raise their children this way agree on parenting decisions and choose to put their kids’ needs first.

At first blush, this definition of co-parenting makes it seem like the kids are the only beneficiaries. And there are definitely a lot of benefits for children whose parents co-parent. Among them are:

  • Increased sense of security and self-worth. Kids who are co-parented know they can rely on both Mom and Dad to have their best interests at heart and to be consistent in their parenting decisions. This increased sense of security also translates to the children feeling loved and important.
  • Decreased stress, anxiety and guilt at each of their homes. When kids know that their parents are working together to raise them, they don’t have to worry about Dad or Mom. They are free to simply be kids.
  • Decreased stress and anxiety outside of the home.When children can trust their parents…

Read more: Who Does Co-Parenting Benefit?

There's A MAJOR Reason 'The Divorce Diet' Sounds Too Good To Be True

I know I’m not your mother, but you HAVE to eat.

Even though my ex-husband and I knew divorcing was the best answer for resolving our issues, actually going through and getting over it was one of the most difficult experiences I have had. The transition was so painful I sometimes wondered if I would ever be happy again. Was I losing my mind?

My misery was so profound that I plunged into the depths of depression and anxiety. I had difficulty sleeping, making decisions and eating. Honestly, I had so much trouble eating that I took the divorce diet to the extreme – I became anorexic.

When I look back at that time in my life, I feel tremendous amounts of compassion for the woman I was then.

She felt so lost, afraid, and out of control of her circumstances that I understand why she chose not to eat. It seemed like an appropriate choice.

There was the constant nausea.

There was the fear of gaining weight (and thereby becoming even more unlovable than she already felt).

There was the fear of spending money on food when there were so many other expenses breathing down her neck.

And then there was the sense of control…

Read more: There's A MAJOR Reason 'The Divorce Diet' Sounds Too Good To Be True

Am I The Only One In WTF Mode?

In short, no. Here’s why and what you can do about it.

Getting served with divorce papers out of the blue is without question a WTF moment.

Seriously, how could you ever be prepared for it? Sure your marriage wasn’t perfect, but whose is? And what gives the person who promised they’d love you forever the right to just quit? These and a million other questions are probably running through your mind right now.

Your thoughts are swirling with trying to make sense of the fact that your spouse or soon-to-be-ex wants a divorce and your emotions are just trying to catch up. One minute you’re in shock, the next you’re pissed and then you’re sad. All you’re left with is WTF.

The brutal truth is your spouse has betrayed you – well, at least they’ve betrayed your expectations. We all build our lives on expectations because it’s how we’ve learned to make sense of the world. The problem is we base our expectations on assumptions about other people. And, unfortunately, our assumptions aren’t always correct.

That’s why when an experience challenges or simply proves wrong one of your fundamental assumptions – that your marriage is going to last – your entire world perspective goes into…

Read more: Am I The Only One In WTF Mode?

Feeling Stuck, Lost And Confused?

Divorce is one of the most painful and complicated things you’ll ever experience.

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