Divorce Blog

3 Essential Truths That Will Help You Find Life Balance, FINALLY!

Self-care is essential to life balance the way inhaling is essential to breathing.

I’m turning 50 in just a few days. Honestly, I’m excited about it. This has honestly been the best part of my life because I’ve finally found balance, and for me balance translates to happiness.

But finding it and learning how to hold on to it took me years to figure out. And, I wish it hadn’t. So, I’m going to tell you the 3 best life balancing truths I learned so that you can skip to the front of the line and enjoy more happiness, too.

1. Having balance doesn't mean balancing everything at once. 
For most of my life I thought, just like almost everyone else, that balance meant balancing everything I was doing and getting it all done as perfectly as possible. While I was a child living at home, this was pretty easy to do. I just had to balance school, play and chores. Aren't there times when you long for those days, too?

By the time I was a teenager, I had a part-time job and boyfriends to add to my very simple balancing act. As most teenagers idealistically do, I thought I had the whole life balance…

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4 Ways to Give Kids of Divorce The Gift of a Guilt-Free Holiday

Why you need to put YOUR issues aside and let your kids be kids!

For way too many children of divorce, the holidays aren’t very merry at all. Instead, of being a season of fun and magic, it becomes a season filled with confusion, guilt and worry.

Kids of divorce experience confusion because they have a hard time keeping track of schedules of when they’re going to be with Mom, when they’re going to be with Dad, and when they’re going to be with their friends. I witnessed this confusion and guilt first-hand with my “bonus sons” (a.k.a. stepsons) the first time we all spent a holiday together. Not only did our youngest, Cameron (who was only 13 at the time) need to fly across the country during the hectic holiday season (changing planes along the way); his adult brother, Anthony, had to come with him to make sure Cam arrived safe and sound. Though both boys were extremely happy to spend time with their dad, they went through a lot of stress while the adults in their lives got to remain right where we were.

During their visit, I innocently asked the boys about their Christmas. And wow, it was as if…

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Divorce Made You Angry? How To Move On

Three steps for leaving your divorce anger behind you.

When my ex-husband and I decided to divorce in 2002, we came to the decision rationally just like we'd come to most decisions in our marriage. Being two rational human beings who had never fought, we thought it would be in our best interest to save money and effort by continuing to live together until we were able to sell our home.

Sounds reasonable, right? Well, it wasn't reasonable at all.

Neither of us had been through divorce before, and we had no idea of the changes we would be going through or the intense anger we would feel toward each other. I remember one instance when we were talking about something that made my husband angry. So angry that he punched the wall in front of my face. I had never seen him do anything of the sort before and it made me angry in return. Instead of punching the wall, though, I took it out on myself. I remained outwardly calm, but internally I blamed myself for the divorce and generally made myself miserable.

Now I realize that the intense anger we were experiencing during divorce was actually the accumulation of all the little…

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Fixing What Causes the Most Divorce Pain

Divorce pain can't be fixed without using some specific tools.

I have a habit of jumping in and coming up with options to resolve problems. This habit really works well for me in my work. It allows me to see solutions others don’t necessarily see and to figure out how to quickly make the solution into a workable plan.

Like any habit, I take this one with me everywhere I go.

It came with me to the hardware store last week. I had my list with me and as I walked down the cleaning aisle I saw a grandma and her high-energy 4 year-old grandson. The little boy was BUSY as only little boys can be. He was trying to get into all kinds of things and coming up with fun uses for the fly swatter he found. It was obvious that Grandma was tired and just didn’t have the energy to keep up with her grandson while she was trying to get the things she needed. Well, my habit kicked in and I asked both of them if they saw Rain-X, the last item on my list, on the shelf. Grandma started looking. I wrote R A I N – X on a piece of paper and asked the little boy if he could…

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Knowing Your Limits is Critical for Successful Divorce Recovery

Divorce recovery requires you to know your limits.

Know what behavior you will - and will not - accept.

Life changes a lot when you separate and divorce. Things that used to be a regular part of life just aren’t anymore. And when things change in unexpected ways, everyone can get scared, frustrated and angry.

When my clients and I begin our work together, they’re usually experiencing some combination of fear, frustration and anger. One of the first things we do is dive into what’s behind or at the root of these emotions. What we usually discover on our deep dive are limits or boundaries that have been disregarded in some way. The limits could be behaviors, expectations, thoughts, beliefs or even habits.

The identification of your personal limits is a critical part of restructuring your life during and after divorce. Some people are quite adept at identifying their limits – what they can and can’t do, what they think and why they think it, what they expect and why they expect it, and what their habits of thought, belief, response and action are. Others aren’t as aware of their limits. They aren’t quite sure of what their limits are or even if they want to know. These people tend to do and think…

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