September 19, 2017
The way forward isn’t easy, but it’s the best direction to go.
You can’t change what’s happened, no matter how much you may want to. The fact is you cheated.
Now, what you do about it, no matter what it is, will completely change your marriage.
Obviously, your actions broke your spouse’s trust. What may not be so obvious right now is that you also damaged your self-respect. It’s the impact your behavior has on you and your mate that has you wishing you could change the past.
The first step out of this mess is to figure out why you cheated and why you cheated now.
People have affairs for all kinds of reasons. According to Esther Perel, some people cheat in search of “an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation.” And sometimes people betray their spouse because there are significant problems in their marriage.
Don’t be surprised if you have a hard time figuring this out. It’s actually a good thing if this is difficult for you because it means that you’re being completely honest with yourself. It’s also an indication that you might do well to work with a helping professional to get to the bottom of why you…
Read more: So You Cheated … Now What?
September 11, 2017
Even when everybody else thinks it should be obvious to you, it rarely is.
As confusing as it is for most people to decide if they need to get a divorce or not, there are three situations that require you get a divorce if you (and your kids) are to live a healthy life.
- Your spouse has an addiction that they refuse to get treatment for despite your repeated requests.
- Your spouse is abusing you or your children.
- Your marriage is a horrible example for your children AND you’re willing to let your spouse parent the kids on their own.
If you’re not in one of these situations, it can seem pretty clear cut that these marriages need to end.
The trouble is that if you’re in one of them, it’s not nearly so easy. These situations usually develop over time. It’s like the story of the frog in the pot, things change gradually over time and you don’t really notice how bad things really are. You need someone looking in from the outside to give you a different perspective.
Unfortunately, you probably don’t have anyone who can look at your marriage with an unbiased eye because they’ve watched the gradual change in your marriage too.…
Read more: How To Know When You MUST Get A Divorce
August 28, 2017
You can survive just about anything when you focus on your kids.
Some people have it so easy. They’re actually friends with their ex and so learning how to co-parent after divorce comes naturally and easily for them.
Then there’s everybody else who has ever gotten divorced with kids. Everybody else struggles with how to survive co-parenting because they have to stay in regular contact with their ex and it’s about the last thing they want to do.
Then when their ex finds a new love and introduces this love to their children, their struggles escalate dramatically.
As uncomfortable, complicated and horrible as it feels, there are really only two reasons why anyone has difficulties with figuring out how to survive co-parenting with their ex and their new partner:
- Your ex and/or their new love is toxic.
- You’re not over your divorce yet.
Although it’s really easy to place the blame for all the trouble you’re having at your ex’s doorstep (and in some cases, that’s EXACTLY where it belongs), it takes a very strong person, just like you are, to consider the possibility you’re not quite over your divorce.
You know that your troubles with co-parenting are stemming largely from your need for more healing…
Read more: How To Survive Co-Parenting With Your Ex AND Their New Love
July 31, 2017
Life after divorce isn’t all good or all bad. There’s a lot of life that’s between these extremes.
Divorce is complicated. And because it’s so complicated, people tend to focus on the worst-case and best-case scenarios when they think about the reality of life after divorce.
At one extreme, some assume that the truth of life post-divorce is misery and constant struggle. And there are ample examples of both men and women who struggle profoundly during and after their divorces.
Others assume that their reality of life after divorce will be immediate happiness and joy because they’ll be able to move on with their lives without their ex. There are also plenty of stories of men who quickly move on to new, happier relationships and women who feel liberated upon divorcing.
Like most things in life, I believe that the reality of life after divorce will be what you make of it.
When I look back at my own divorce, I first believed that my divorce was the best thing that could happen. I had felt trapped in a marriage that had become loveless and the thought of being free was intoxicating.
However, I also experienced a whole lot of post-divorce misery and struggle – in part because I…
Read more: The Reality Of Life After Divorce May Not Be What You Think
July 24, 2017
The one who was betrayed isn’t the only victim of cheating.
The betrayal of infidelity hurts. The cheater’s actions hurt the spouse who was betrayed, their children, their families, close friends, and even their community.
But these aren’t the only people infidelity hurts. Cheating hurts the cheater too.
You’re probably wondering how cheating could possibly hurt the one doing the betraying because they’re the one who is apparently doing what they want without caring how it impacts anyone else.
How cheating affects the cheater is profound. Her/his actions hurt them, their marriages, and all their other important relationships.
Despite the initial thrill of an affair, cheating can negatively affect the cheater emotionally. It’s common for them to feel anxiety, guilt, shame, worry, regret, confusion, embarrassment, and self-loathing when they contemplate how their actions impact those they love and why they cheated in the first place.
When he/she thinks about and experiences how their actions impact them they feel the sting and anguish of their poor judgment.
All of these thoughts swirling through their heads and the rollercoaster of their emotions can lead cheaters to live two completely different lives while the affair continues. One where they feel the addictive ecstasy of love and one where they…
Read more: How Cheating Affects The Cheater