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Divorce Blog

Why Infidelity Is So Painful To The Betrayed Spouse

Why infidelity is so painful to the betrayed spouse

Being betrayed hurts mentally, emotionally and physically.

There are no two ways about it. If your marriage has been impacted by infidelity, you’re going through one of the most excruciatingly painful experiences anyone can have. Dr. Barry Bass states that the after-effects of infidelity “resemble the psychic disorientation and confusion” victims of natural disasters suffer and that PTSD is also common for the betrayed spouse.

Yet, why is infidelity so painful?

There is a multitude of reasons for the agony you’re experiencing and why infidelity hurts so much.

  1. Your expectations for what it means to be married have been violated.

    Everyone enters marriage with a set of expectations about what being married means. For most it includes a sexual, romantic and emotional faithfulness to each other.

    When your spouse cheated, they violated the rules you thought you were both living by. The person who vowed to love you forever committed a crime against your belief in them. And a violation like this fundamentally quakes (and potentially breaks) the foundation upon which you have built not only your marriage but your entire life.

  2. You feel resistance about dealing with the change that has been thrust at you.

    Because your spouse has violated their vows to you, your life has…

Read more: Why Infidelity Is So Painful To The Betrayed Spouse

5 Incredible Factors You Must Consider When You Divorce Later in Life

Divorce is no walk in the park at any age. But, when you are older, it can be particularly painful. To help you with this tough transition, here are a few important tips.

Meeting New People

Friendships outside of your marriage may be affected by your divorce. It can force friends to choose sides and leave you feeling defensive and lonely. Do not let yourself be isolated. Potential social interaction outlets might include volunteer activities, hitting the campaign trail for your favorite cause or candidate, or going to community events. Yet, you should not immediately jump into a new relationship. This is especially true if the divorce is not final.

Your Kids Will Still Be a Factor

Visitation orders and child support are not part of the discussion in most gray divorces. But, the divorce proceedings may still involve adult children. It is not unusual for adult children to rely on their parents for financial support. Unless the child is in school or has a disability, support for adult children is not generally something written into a divorce agreement. However, your sons or daughters are likely to react emotionally to your divorce.

You Will Likely Lose Half of Your Retirement Money

Retirement funds and other assets are commonly…

Read more: 5 Incredible Factors You Must Consider When You Divorce Later in Life

So You Cheated … Now What?

So you cheated, now what are you going to do about it?

 The way forward isn’t easy, but it’s the best direction to go.

You can’t change what’s happened, no matter how much you may want to. The fact is you cheated.

Now, what you do about it, no matter what it is, will completely change your marriage.

Obviously, your actions broke your spouse’s trust. What may not be so obvious right now is that you also damaged your self-respect. It’s the impact your behavior has on you and your mate that has you wishing you could change the past.

The first step out of this mess is to figure out why you cheated and why you cheated now.

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons. According to Esther Perel, some people cheat in search of “an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation.” And sometimes people betray their spouse because there are significant problems in their marriage.

Don’t be surprised if you have a hard time figuring this out. It’s actually a good thing if this is difficult for you because it means that you’re being completely honest with yourself. It’s also an indication that you might do well to work with a helping professional to get to the bottom of why you…

Read more: So You Cheated … Now What?

How To Know When You MUST Get A Divorce

Even when everybody else thinks it should be obvious to you, it rarely is.

As confusing as it is for most people to decide if they need to get a divorce or not, there are three situations that require you get a divorce if you (and your kids) are to live a healthy life.

  1. Your spouse has an addiction that they refuse to get treatment for despite your repeated requests.
  2. Your spouse is abusing you or your children.
  3. Your marriage is a horrible example for your children AND you’re willing to let your spouse parent the kids on their own.

If you’re not in one of these situations, it can seem pretty clear cut that these marriages need to end.

The trouble is that if you’re in one of them, it’s not nearly so easy. These situations usually develop over time. It’s like the story of the frog in the pot, things change gradually over time and you don’t really notice how bad things really are. You need someone looking in from the outside to give you a different perspective.

Unfortunately, you probably don’t have anyone who can look at your marriage with an unbiased eye because they’ve watched the gradual change in your marriage too.…

Read more: How To Know When You MUST Get A Divorce

How To Survive Co-Parenting With Your Ex AND Their New Love

How to survive co-parenting with your ex and their new partner.

 

You can survive just about anything when you focus on your kids.

Some people have it so easy. They’re actually friends with their ex and so learning how to co-parent after divorce comes naturally and easily for them.

Then there’s everybody else who has ever gotten divorced with kids. Everybody else struggles with how to survive co-parenting because they have to stay in regular contact with their ex and it’s about the last thing they want to do.

Then when their ex finds a new love and introduces this love to their children, their struggles escalate dramatically.

As uncomfortable, complicated and horrible as it feels, there are really only two reasons why anyone has difficulties with figuring out how to survive co-parenting with their ex and their new partner:

  1. Your ex and/or their new love is toxic.
  2. You’re not over your divorce yet.

Although it’s really easy to place the blame for all the trouble you’re having at your ex’s doorstep (and in some cases, that’s EXACTLY where it belongs), it takes a very strong person, just like you are, to consider the possibility you’re not quite over your divorce.

You know that your troubles with co-parenting are stemming largely from your need for more healing…

Read more: How To Survive Co-Parenting With Your Ex AND Their New Love