Divorce Blog

How To Survive An Unhealthy Marriage While Working To Make It Better

Photo by Gianfranco Grenar on Unsplash

What do you do when it’s all falling apart and you feel as if trying to save your marriage is an uphill climb? What if you’re not fighting just the blues or boredom, but something more inherently problematic? Do you know how to survive an unhealthy marriage while also working to make it better?

Every couple wants the sizzle to last, even though they know that a certain amount of monotony will sneak in. That’s just the nature of familiarity and the price of being with one person for the rest of your life. 

All those crazy, sleep-depriving, romance-obsessed hormones have done their job. And, predictably, they eventually take leave and give way to sustainability. (Thank God!)

Before diving into tips for how to survive an unhealthy marriage, a few distinctions are in order.

Just as with photography, the gray scale can make transitions in relationships so nuanced that you barely notice them. Even black and white have degrees of intensity, often noticeable only in direct comparison.

So, what’s the point of applying the science of art to the science (and art) of marriage?

If you’re going to work on making your marriage better, it’s important to recognize what needs work…and why

You don’t need to…

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Is It Possible To Be Too Self-Aware?

Dog with his head tilted to the side in a questioning manner.

Surely the world would be a kinder, gentler, happier place if more people worked on their self-awareness. And yet, for those already well-versed in the attribute, their struggle isn’t about being self-aware. It’s about being too self-aware.

Sounds implausible, doesn’t it? Like having too much money, intelligence…or chocolate. How can too much of a good thing be a not-so-good thing?

Let’s start with the basics: What is self-awareness?

Self-awareness is an ongoing process of recognizing, acknowledging, and understanding yourself, both internally and externally. 

Internal self-awareness is a bit like sliding down the rabbit hole and observing your own inner thoughts and feelings. You become an objective observer of your subjective self.

“Wow! Two years ago I wouldn’t have had that opinion.” 

“I feel nauseous and weak every time I reach for the phone to call (whomever).” 

“Why am I judging this person whom I don’t even know?”

“I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have my same political beliefs.”

Internal self-awareness, in and of itself, bears no judgment. It recognizes, collects information, and pauses to acknowledge physical, mental, and emotional messages.

It then uses that information to shape or refine thoughts and behaviors.

External self-awareness, on the other hand, is like…

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What To Do If You’re Struggling With Life After Divorce

Man sitting with his hands covering his eyes as he struggles with life after divorce.

Divorce is rarely easy. It marks the end of something you thought would last forever – through thick and thin. And when your dreams are destroyed, moving forward from the destruction can be really, really hard. What you need to know first is you’re not alone. Struggling with life after divorce is pretty common.

If fact, at least 50% of everyone who divorces struggles with moving on with their lives. I know this because there’s usually one spouse who decides divorce is the answer while the other wants to work on the marriage. And, as you know, it only takes one to make the decision to divorce.

However, not everyone who decides divorce is the answer to the problems in their marriage finds it easy to move on with their life. Many of the deciders struggle with life after divorce too.

So, if you’re struggling with your life after divorce, you also need to know that you can get through it. You can create a new life for yourself that feels good. And, yes, you can be genuinely happy again.

Here are 7 steps for you to take that can make your life after divorce better:

  1. Cut yourself some slack.

    When I got divorced, I wanted to…

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If You Want To Live A Happy Life, Stop Doing These 7 Things

Man smiling and enjoying his happy life while leaning on a railing with NYC in the background.

Somewhere in a one-in-a-million fortune cookie is written all you need to know if you want to live a happy life. (And on the flip side of that pearl of wisdom are your guaranteed winning numbers for the upcoming Lotto.)

You and I both know, of course, that winning a jackpot won’t guarantee a happy life. Genuine, lifelong happiness is more complex — and, ironically, simpler — than that.

And, while Confucius may tell you the key to being happy, we know it’s not that simple.

Ultimately, if you want to live a happy life, you’re going to have to journey inside yourself. 

There are always things you can do to open the channels to happiness

But there are also things you would do well not to do if you’re seeking the Holy Grail of bliss.

So today we’re turning the mirror onto things you might be doing to stand in the way of your own happiness.

Here are 7 things to stop doing if you want to live a happy life.

  1. Living in the past.

    You can’t change it. You may have regrets and choices you wish you could change. But languishing in them only serves to perpetuate them.

    More importantly, living in the…

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7 Things To Know About Getting Used To Life After Divorce

Sad woman struggling with thoughts of getting used to life after divorce.

It’s that one constant in life: change. A new home, a never-thought-I-could-do-this career move, the death of a loved one, getting used to life after divorce….They’re all about change, movement, growth...and adapting.

Some change you expect, whether you welcome it or futilely wish it away. There is, after all, a reason those in-the-know say that aging isn’t for sissies, despite the irony of its blessing.

Some change happens on a dime, and it can just as easily be for profit as for loss.

Some change comes from tragedy — split-second, terrifying, incomprehensible, forever life-altering.

And some change happens with your full awareness and full participation, regardless of any prescience of the outcome.

Divorce, despite its collective branding, is unique to every couple. It is also unique to each individual within that couple. 

There are, after all, multiple histories that build the foundation of every relationship. 

And, if and when you leave that relationship, you will leave with a new history. 

You will always have your personal early chapters. But relationships can shift the way even those are read and ultimately perceived.

You will also have new chapters. Chapters influenced by the melding of two histories in the creation of a new…

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