Healing After Divorce

Divorced? How To Stop Feeling Like A Failure

Feeling like a failure, a woman hides her face in her hands.

You really haven’t lost your identity along with everything else even though it feels like it now.

The losses you suffer when you divorce can seem never ending. Each realization of loss sends you deeper and deeper into grief. At times it can feel as if you’re drowning in the sadness (or maybe it’s just your tears).

Yet permeating through all of the losses is one that you just can’t shake. That’s the loss of you – or at least your identity as a spouse.

Unfortunately, your old identity is readily replaced with a new one, a painful one, an awful one. You now believe that you’re a failure. Feeling like a failure after divorce is fairly normal because it has its roots in lessons you learned from a very young age.

When you first started school you were taught to view tasks, tests and homework as things you either passed or failed. To pass, you just had to do things well enough compared to the rest of your class. To fail, you either had to ignore the assignment or display a complete lack of effort and/or understanding.

When you overlay this training on a failed marriage, it’s way too easy to reach the conclusion that…

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Conquering Depression Post-Divorce

Like all good plans, this one is extremely simple and effective.

Divorce really takes it out of you. It’s an f-ing life changing event that’s thrown unexpectedly your way by the one person who promised to love you for the rest of your life. But…Surprise! (in a really horrible way) They don’t love you anymore.

You’ve spent years of your life investing in them and a marriage that didn’t work out. You can’t help looking at those years as wasted. And it’s this perspective, this view of your life that allows the situational depression of divorce to take root deeply and invade not only your life, but your soul.

I know you know you need to get this weed out of your life and yet the depression itself makes it difficult to do much about it.

But don’t worry. You can conquer the depression. You will feel happy again. And you can do it very simply. (Simply, yes. Easily, not necessarily.)

  1. Breathe – Yes, I know you’re already breathing but hear me out for a minute.

    Our breathing changes when we’re feeling depressed. We breathe more shallowly and hold our breath.

    To compensate for the lack of oxygen, we sigh or yawn frequently which both trigger…

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Dealing With Divorce And The Fears That Are Keeping You Stuck

Woman trapped in her fears while dealing with divorce.

Dealing with divorce effectively requires you to conquer your fears.

There are few things more frightening getting divorced and realizing that you’re all alone.

You’re alone with your daily activities. You’re alone with your kids (when you have them). And you’re alone with your thoughts.

And all of this aloneness breeds fear which makes dealing with divorce even more difficult.

Fear of not being enough to get through your daily activities because there were two of you getting everything done before. Fear of not being able to fully meet your kids needs when they’re with you and terror of not being able to meet their needs when they’re with your ex. But probably the most terrorizing part of divorce is being alone with your thoughts.

Your thoughts are so tough because they are what-if’s – the negative what-if’s. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if it all happens? How will you deal with any or all of it?

These what-if’s you create in your mind are so powerful that you’re thrown into a fight, flight or freeze response.

And, honestly, what I see the most of is the freeze response (a.k.a. overwhelm and/or over-analysis) because most of us are too frightened to…

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5 Powerful Reasons You MUST Forgive Your Ex

No, you don’t have to like what they did, but you do have to like love you.

Forgiveness. It’s a powerful word because it evokes a myriad of thoughts and emotions.

Anger about the unfairness of it all.

Revenge because they deserve to feel as much pain as you do.

Justice because they need to learn that they can’t treat people the way they’ve treated you.

Fear because you’re unsure what happens after you forgive them.

Bitterness because if you forgive them, they’ll get away with it.

Calm because you know forgiveness is the next step for you.

Peace because you’ve forgiven in the past and peace has been the result.

Duty because forgiveness is what your religion or spiritual practice teaches.

Confusion because you’re not exactly sure what forgiveness means.

Injustice because you don’t feel like you should have to give your ex anything more.

Vulnerability because you’re afraid that by forgiving them you’ll give them carte blanche to continue hurting you since you’re not doing anything about it.

Depression because you believe you must have deserved to be treated badly in the first place and forgiveness would only validate their behavior.

Victimhood because forgiveness means you’d admit to being a victim of what they’ve…

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How Your MBTI Type Impacts Healing After Divorce

Woman lounging on a bench at the beach contemplating healing after divorce.

Use your MBTI type to get over your divorce more quickly.

No matter how you look at it, divorce sucks. All divorcing couples battle with the drama and trauma of ending their marriage – even if they do it very differently as individuals. Despite the same basic struggle, we each suffer through healing after divorce differently because as individuals our experience and understanding of the world is different.

Social scientists, philosophers, therapists, astrologers and researchers have striven over the centuries to categorize people in an effort to provide tools for understanding both others and ourselves. Each of the tools developed has its pros and cons along with its adherents and detractors. In other words, none of the tools has been globally accepted as 100% accurate.

Despite the imperfections, one of the tools that’s been in common use for more than 50 years is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). The MBTI is a self-assessment tool that categorizes people into one of 16 different personality types. Each of the personality types has specific strengths and weaknesses.

What does the MBTI have to do with healing after divorce? Well, LOTS! Maybe.

By knowing the specific strengths and weaknesses of your personality type you can prepare for and mitigate what will…

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