Healing After Divorce

The Most Important Skill You Need For Healing After Divorce

Man looking out to sea thinking about his healing after divorce.

And it's fun to learn too!

Healing after divorce is really challenging because the end of your marriage itself is so traumatic. Your life gets ripped apart all at once and again and again as you struggle to find a new equilibrium, a new way of living – on your own.

It’s kinda like divorce is this huge, catastrophic earthquake. And then it’s followed by all these aftershocks of varying intensities (e.g., a nasty gram from your ex, selling your home, paying child support instead of living with your children every day) until you are able to complete your healing and move on from the end of your marriage.

You might believe that your divorce recovery is subject to the whims of others like your ex, your attorney, the judge, or even your kids. And you’d be right, but only partially and only slightly.

The biggest determining factor in your healing after divorce is your peaceful core.

A peaceful core is that place you can go to on the inside where you feel calm and powerful. Nothing can shake you when you’re at this place of peace. You can often discover new ideas to help you on your healing journey when you regularly spend…

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Surviving Divorce: Face Your Fears And Wipe Away Your Tears

Woman crying while she's surviving divorce.

Surviving divorce requires grief, courage and action.

Healing after the end of your marriage is hard. It’s not for the weak by any stretch of the imagination. And yet the pain of it all makes even the strongest wonder if surviving divorce is something they’ll be able to do or not.

The true hurt of divorce is unfathomable to anyone who’s never experienced it themselves. But for those of us who have or are currently in the midst of it we know the depths of despair, the isolating loneliness, the vengeful rage, the unbelievable betrayal, the soul-crushing insecurity, the bone-weariness of insomnia, the paralyzing fear and all the other unfamiliar (and unwanted) experiences, thoughts and emotions of divorce.

Frankly, we all reach that point where we wonder if surviving divorce is even possible.

I want you to know that it is absolutely possible (no matter how you’re feeling right now) to not only make it through your divorce, but to go on to live a fulfilling, wonderful life that might even include finding love again. The secret is to move through your divorce pain and avoid getting stuck in the seemingly overwhelming experiences of divorce.

Here are 3 pitfalls that people tend to collapse into when…

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Over-Responsible? 3 Mandatory Steps For Your Divorce Recovery

frazzled woman dealing with divorce recovery

Use these 3 steps to forgive yourself and set yourself free.

Yes, I struggle with being over-responsible, so I know what I'm talking about. (And, please, don't judge me.) Over-responsibility is a trait most women are either trained into or gifted with at birth.

But it's not found exclusively in women! Men are also over-responsible and come by it just as naturally as women do.

Us over-responsible folks experience the world a bit differently than others do. We know on every level of our being that we are 

responsible for making things work out and take care of everyone else. If we don’t, we feel anything from discomfort to misery at shirking our perceived responsibilities.

It’s our overbearing sense of accountability that can hamper or even derail our divorce recovery. We habitually assign ourselves blame when things we’re involved in don’t work out or simply don’t go as planned. It’s the guilt from being at fault that keeps us from healing.

When your marriage ends in divorce it’s way too easy to blame yourself primarily (if not exclusively) for its demise. You spend hours thinking, “If only I had _______” where you fill-in-the-blank with impossibilities. Not things that are impossible to do, but things that…

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An Open Letter To My Body: You Are Perfect As You Are

You didn't deserve those cruel things I did to you.

Dear body, 

I owe you an apology, and I’ve owed you one for years.

It wasn’t your fault — no matter how much I thought that it was. It was mine. And I’m finally able to take responsibility for that now. So, yes, I’m sorry. Deeply sorry and I regret the words, thoughts and actions I’ve taken against you.

You’ve always been perfect — no matter how much I denied that perfection because I was busy comparing myself to others, or because I listened to slanderous remarks others made about you.

You’ve supported me and given me the physical strength I needed to become the confident woman I am today. For that I’m deeply grateful — and deeply ashamed that I’ve treated you so poorly.

When I was born, everyone celebrated you as perfect and ideal because I had all my fingers, toes and limbs and no obvious imperfections.

And yet as you grew and changed dramatically over the following childhood years, something shifted. Instead of being celebrated for your beauty, you were harshly scrutinized and found lacking.

Even dearly loved family members said you’d "never be pretty." 

They said that your butt was "too big," that your walk was "unbecoming to…

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My Divorce Recovery Required Me To Get Powerful

Waiting for someone to fix me didn't work until I realized I was the someone I was waiting for.

I didn't really start my divorce recovery until about a year after my divorce was final. It took that long before I stopped waiting for someone to show me the way.

I read lots of books, worked with a therapist (who thankfully was divorced and understood divorce recovery, joined a divorce support group, and talked with family and friends. Each of these helped, but I kept thinking that somehow one of these would fix me - that something or someone else could make me better.

But I was wrong - really wrong. All anything or anyone outside of me could provide were clues, hints, intimations - nothing so bold as "This is EXACTLY what you, Karen Finn, need to do to feel better, normal and happy again."

The hard truth was that I had to do the thinking, the planning, the learning, the experimenting and the work. I had to feel the pain and go through it. I couldn't heal by proxy.

It was all up to me because it was my life. No matter how much anyone loved and cared for me, they couldn't…

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