Healing After Divorce

An Open Letter To My Body: You Are Perfect As You Are

You didn't deserve those cruel things I did to you.

Dear body, 

I owe you an apology, and I’ve owed you one for years.

It wasn’t your fault — no matter how much I thought that it was. It was mine. And I’m finally able to take responsibility for that now. So, yes, I’m sorry. Deeply sorry and I regret the words, thoughts and actions I’ve taken against you.

You’ve always been perfect — no matter how much I denied that perfection because I was busy comparing myself to others, or because I listened to slanderous remarks others made about you.

You’ve supported me and given me the physical strength I needed to become the confident woman I am today. For that I’m deeply grateful — and deeply ashamed that I’ve treated you so poorly.

When I was born, everyone celebrated you as perfect and ideal because I had all my fingers, toes and limbs and no obvious imperfections.

And yet as you grew and changed dramatically over the following childhood years, something shifted. Instead of being celebrated for your beauty, you were harshly scrutinized and found lacking.

Even dearly loved family members said you’d "never be pretty." 

They said that your butt was "too big," that your walk was "unbecoming to…

Read more: An Open Letter To My Body: You Are Perfect As You Are

Over-Responsible? 3 Mandatory Steps For Your Divorce Recovery

frazzled woman dealing with divorce recovery

Use these 3 steps to forgive yourself and set yourself free.

Yes, I struggle with being over-responsible, so I know what I'm talking about. (And, please, don't judge me.) Over-responsibility is a trait most women are either trained into or gifted with at birth.

But it's not found exclusively in women! Men are also over-responsible and come by it just as naturally as women do.

Us over-responsible folks experience the world a bit differently than others do. We know on every level of our being that we are 

responsible for making things work out and take care of everyone else. If we don’t, we feel anything from discomfort to misery at shirking our perceived responsibilities.

It’s our overbearing sense of accountability that can hamper or even derail our divorce recovery. We habitually assign ourselves blame when things we’re involved in don’t work out or simply don’t go as planned. It’s the guilt from being at fault that keeps us from healing.

When your marriage ends in divorce it’s way too easy to blame yourself primarily (if not exclusively) for its demise. You spend hours thinking, “If only I had _______” where you fill-in-the-blank with impossibilities. Not things that are impossible to do, but things that…

Read more: Over-Responsible? 3 Mandatory Steps For Your Divorce Recovery

45 Things You Need To Know About How To Get Over A Divorce

Woman wondering how to get over a divorce.

#27 will definitely make you feel good again!

When it all began, did you have any idea how difficult getting divorced would be? No one does. Divorce is one of those life experiences that no one truly understands unless they've been through it themselves.

The problem is that once people have been through it and moved on with their lives, they forget the depths of despair they experienced as they struggled with getting over their divorce. So your friends and family who have been there don't have any easy answers for you when you ask for advice.

And it's not like there's a guide book you received when you got married about how to get over a divorce. (Even if there was, I'm sure you wouldn't read it because you were sure your marriage would last. I know I wouldn't have read it.)

But easy answers (or at least comforting ones) are exactly what you most want and need right now. You're tired of hurting and wondering when it will all end.

I can't promise that these 45 things you must do to heal from divorce will be easy for you, but hopefully you'll find some comfort in them:

  1. Accept that your path to getting…

Read more: 45 Things You Need To Know About How To Get Over A Divorce

My Divorce Recovery Required Me To Get Powerful

Waiting for someone to fix me didn't work until I realized I was the someone I was waiting for.

I didn't really start my divorce recovery until about a year after my divorce was final. It took that long before I stopped waiting for someone to show me the way.

I read lots of books, worked with a therapist (who thankfully was divorced and understood divorce recovery, joined a divorce support group, and talked with family and friends. Each of these helped, but I kept thinking that somehow one of these would fix me - that something or someone else could make me better.

But I was wrong - really wrong. All anything or anyone outside of me could provide were clues, hints, intimations - nothing so bold as "This is EXACTLY what you, Karen Finn, need to do to feel better, normal and happy again."

The hard truth was that I had to do the thinking, the planning, the learning, the experimenting and the work. I had to feel the pain and go through it. I couldn't heal by proxy.

It was all up to me because it was my life. No matter how much anyone loved and cared for me, they couldn't…

Read more: My Divorce Recovery Required Me To Get Powerful

The Differences Between Men & Women During The Divorce Process

By knowing this about your ex, you'll be able to make it through your divorce more calmly.

  An interesting thing happened during one of the divorce recovery workshops I lead. One of the male participants brought up the book His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. This participant shared the lists of "his needs" and "her needs" with the others in the class. After the briefest of pauses, the room erupted in both indignation and conversation that evening.

As the leader, it was an ideal opportunity to share some divorce advice that everyone can use. And that's exactly what I'll share with you now.

Although it's obvious, it bears repeating. Men and women are wired differently. We see the world differently. We interact with the world differently. And its these differences that can make for amazing relationships, amazingly disastrous divorces and everything in between.

In the simplest terms, men are driven to do and achieve. They want to be acknowledged for their triumphs and supported in ways that allow them to do and achieve more. This often translates to wanting to share their doing and achieving with their significant other.

In the simplest terms, women are driven to need and create safety. They want…

Read more: The Differences Between Men & Women During The Divorce Process

Articles Search