Healing After Divorce

My Divorce Recovery Required Me To Get Powerful

Waiting for someone to fix me didn't work until I realized I was the someone I was waiting for.

I didn't really start my divorce recovery until about a year after my divorce was final. It took that long before I stopped waiting for someone to show me the way.

I read lots of books, worked with a therapist (who thankfully was divorced and understood divorce recovery, joined a divorce support group, and talked with family and friends. Each of these helped, but I kept thinking that somehow one of these would fix me - that something or someone else could make me better.

But I was wrong - really wrong. All anything or anyone outside of me could provide were clues, hints, intimations - nothing so bold as "This is EXACTLY what you, Karen Finn, need to do to feel better, normal and happy again."

The hard truth was that I had to do the thinking, the planning, the learning, the experimenting and the work. I had to feel the pain and go through it. I couldn't heal by proxy.

It was all up to me because it was my life. No matter how much anyone loved and cared for me, they couldn't…

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45 Things You Need To Know About How To Get Over A Divorce

Woman wondering how to get over a divorce.

#27 will definitely make you feel good again!

When it all began, did you have any idea how difficult getting divorced would be? No one does. Divorce is one of those life experiences that no one truly understands unless they've been through it themselves.

The problem is that once people have been through it and moved on with their lives, they forget the depths of despair they experienced as they struggled with getting over their divorce. So your friends and family who have been there don't have any easy answers for you when you ask for advice.

And it's not like there's a guide book you received when you got married about how to get over a divorce. (Even if there was, I'm sure you wouldn't read it because you were sure your marriage would last. I know I wouldn't have read it.)

But easy answers (or at least comforting ones) are exactly what you most want and need right now. You're tired of hurting and wondering when it will all end.

I can't promise that these 45 things you must do to heal from divorce will be easy for you, but hopefully you'll find some comfort in them:

  1. Accept that your path to getting…

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11 Struggles Only The Newly Divorced Understand

Being newly divorced can feel like you're living in the Twilight Zone.

Being newly separated or divorced is a strange place. It's filled not only with all the physical and logistical changes of living alone, but also with a strange cocktail of emotions that seem to fluctuate wildly. One moment you're heartbroken. The next you're terrified. And then you're elated to be free of the marriage that wasn't really working. Then you slip into guilt about feeling good. It's a positively Twilight Zone existence.

At least that's how it was for me when I first separated from my ex. I felt completely lost, confused and utterly alone. I wasn't sure if what I was going through was normal or if I had lost my mind as well as my marriage.

The worst part was not knowing if I was still sane. Now I know that I was both still sane and a bit crazy, but that it was normal.

Just in case you're wondering if what you're experiencing is normal, I'll let you in on the 11 struggles only newly divorced women understand.

  1. Wondering if you're still sane.You have incredibly strange, frustrating and even obsessive  thoughts exploding in your mind almost constantly. They are…

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The Differences Between Men & Women During The Divorce Process

By knowing this about your ex, you'll be able to make it through your divorce more calmly.

  An interesting thing happened during one of the divorce recovery workshops I lead. One of the male participants brought up the book His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. This participant shared the lists of "his needs" and "her needs" with the others in the class. After the briefest of pauses, the room erupted in both indignation and conversation that evening.

As the leader, it was an ideal opportunity to share some divorce advice that everyone can use. And that's exactly what I'll share with you now.

Although it's obvious, it bears repeating. Men and women are wired differently. We see the world differently. We interact with the world differently. And its these differences that can make for amazing relationships, amazingly disastrous divorces and everything in between.

In the simplest terms, men are driven to do and achieve. They want to be acknowledged for their triumphs and supported in ways that allow them to do and achieve more. This often translates to wanting to share their doing and achieving with their significant other.

In the simplest terms, women are driven to need and create safety. They want…

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You May Be Mad At Your Ex, But Don't Be An Exhole

They're not your spouse anymore, so stop cyber-stalking them!

An exhole is an ex who acts like an a**hole. In my role as a divorce coach, I've heard all kinds of stories from my clients and family law attorneys. Many times, the stories a client tells me are about their ex behaving like an exhole, but not always. Sometimes I have clients who don't immediately realize that THEY are the exhole.

Here are some suggestions to keep you from being an exhole so you can move on with your life:

1. Respect your ex's home as their home. A woman filed for divorce and moved out with the idea that the man she'd been having an affair with would leave his spouse too. He did — for a while. After her divorce was final, he moved back in with his wife. This woman got tired of living alone in an apartment and so she would just show up at her ex's house when he was gone and let herself in. At first she claimed it was because she missed the cats. Then she started showing up at different times wanting to talk with her ex, or she'd "surprise" him by stopping by to cook a meal…

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