Healing After Divorce

The Differences Between Men & Women During The Divorce Process

By knowing this about your ex, you'll be able to make it through your divorce more calmly.

  An interesting thing happened during one of the divorce recovery workshops I lead. One of the male participants brought up the book His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. This participant shared the lists of "his needs" and "her needs" with the others in the class. After the briefest of pauses, the room erupted in both indignation and conversation that evening.

As the leader, it was an ideal opportunity to share some divorce advice that everyone can use. And that's exactly what I'll share with you now.

Although it's obvious, it bears repeating. Men and women are wired differently. We see the world differently. We interact with the world differently. And its these differences that can make for amazing relationships, amazingly disastrous divorces and everything in between.

In the simplest terms, men are driven to do and achieve. They want to be acknowledged for their triumphs and supported in ways that allow them to do and achieve more. This often translates to wanting to share their doing and achieving with their significant other.

In the simplest terms, women are driven to need and create safety. They want…

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11 Struggles Only The Newly Divorced Understand

Being newly divorced can feel like you're living in the Twilight Zone.

Being newly separated or divorced is a strange place. It's filled not only with all the physical and logistical changes of living alone, but also with a strange cocktail of emotions that seem to fluctuate wildly. One moment you're heartbroken. The next you're terrified. And then you're elated to be free of the marriage that wasn't really working. Then you slip into guilt about feeling good. It's a positively Twilight Zone existence.

At least that's how it was for me when I first separated from my ex. I felt completely lost, confused and utterly alone. I wasn't sure if what I was going through was normal or if I had lost my mind as well as my marriage.

The worst part was not knowing if I was still sane. Now I know that I was both still sane and a bit crazy, but that it was normal.

Just in case you're wondering if what you're experiencing is normal, I'll let you in on the 11 struggles only newly divorced women understand.

  1. Wondering if you're still sane.You have incredibly strange, frustrating and even obsessive  thoughts exploding in your mind almost constantly. They are…

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Divorce Recovery: Why You Need To Stop Listening To Your BFF

Coping with a divorce is difficult - make sure you are talking to the right people for support.

I cringe whenever someone tries to comfort their friend who is going through a heart-wrenching divorce by lying to them. Even though the lie is told with love and without malice, it's still destructive. Without meaning to, these people are undermining their friend's chances of quickly healing from their divorce.

These people are telling their BFFs that it just takes time to heal from divorce. It doesn't sound all that bad, but it's the same as telling someone with an appendix ready to burst that it will just take time before the pain in their abdomen stops—completely inappropriate and potentially life-threatening.

Divorce is one of the most disruptive life events anyone can go through. It takes effort to get your life back in order. Although many choose to go it alone as they heal from a failed marriage, working with a divorce professional who is skilled at identifying and resolving divorce wounds can help you heal more completely.

Helping professionals who specialize in divorce can guide the complete healing of your divorce wounds because there's usually more to a divorce wound than at first appears.

One of…

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You May Be Mad At Your Ex, But Don't Be An Exhole

They're not your spouse anymore, so stop cyber-stalking them!

An exhole is an ex who acts like an a**hole. In my role as a divorce coach, I've heard all kinds of stories from my clients and family law attorneys. Many times, the stories a client tells me are about their ex behaving like an exhole, but not always. Sometimes I have clients who don't immediately realize that THEY are the exhole.

Here are some suggestions to keep you from being an exhole so you can move on with your life:

1. Respect your ex's home as their home. A woman filed for divorce and moved out with the idea that the man she'd been having an affair with would leave his spouse too. He did — for a while. After her divorce was final, he moved back in with his wife. This woman got tired of living alone in an apartment and so she would just show up at her ex's house when he was gone and let herself in. At first she claimed it was because she missed the cats. Then she started showing up at different times wanting to talk with her ex, or she'd "surprise" him by stopping by to cook a meal…

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Healing From Divorce: Overcoming Your Loneliness

woman feeling lonely while healing from divorce

No matter how horrible you feel, there is a simple way out of the loneliness of divorce.

One of the toughest parts of healing from divorce is the loneliness which can feel like it's sucking your soul right out of you. You wind up feeling as if you're just a shriveled husk of who you were.

When you're in the throes of loneliness, your mind wanders down a treacherous path. You begin by wondering if you're destined to be alone for the rest of your life. Then you realize that of course you will because of the long list of your "flaws" that you remind yourself of over and over again. It doesn't matter right now that those imperfections are just part of what makes you wonderfully you. You get stuck on a downward spiral of misery which leaves you feeling horribly trapped.

Yet being stuck isn't doing you any good when your real goal is to heal from your divorce.

What I want you to know is that no matter how lonely you feel right now, you're not really alone. I promise. Everyone who gets divorced experiences gut-wrenching loneliness. (Some people even experience it during their marriage before they divorce.) The difference is that not…

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