Getting Divorced: Are You Still Lovable?

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April 4, 2014

A celebrity break-up can help you discover that you are definitely still lovable.

I recently read an article ridiculing Robin Thick for giving his estranged wife, Paula Patton, gifts and public apologies to woo her back. What I found so interesting is the obvious derision the author had for his attempts.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning cheating. I’m also not ignoring the fact that it takes a lot of hard work by both parties for a relationship to survive an affair. What I am surprised by is how the author of the article assumes that Thicke’s attempts are obviously wrong.

Gary Chapman has done some important work on love languages that is important to consider before an outsider can make any judgments on the validity of Thicke’s or anyone else’s attempts at showing love and apologizing.

Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, identifies five different ways that people give and receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. We each naturally express love in the ways that we prefer to receive love.

Considering Thicke’s attempts to woo Patton back involve public apologies and lavish gifts, I’m guessing that two of his preferred love languages are words…

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Pesky Divorce Lies You Must Stop Telling Yourself

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February 18, 2014

You are so much stronger than you think.

"I abdicated responsibility for myself." That’s what I heard every time I looked in the mirror.

"I abdicated responsibility for myself." I heard it again anytime I allowed myself even a brief break from being busy — way too busy.

"I abdicated responsibility for myself. I abdicated responsibility for myself. I abdicated responsibility for myself." It was a horrible, accusing chant that never let up.

It was also true.

When I got divorced, I had to face a lot of things — a lot of things that didn't make me feel so hot about myself. This one, giving up responsibility for myself, was one of the hardest because it was so embarrassing; because I was an incredibly responsible person when it came to everyone and everything else, and because I wasn't exactly sure how to take responsibility for me.

Like most girls my age, I grew up with a set of confusing expectations. My mom stayed at home. Her daily focus was on raising the five of us kids and taking care of our home. My dad was the breadwinner and took care of the yard and cars. Yet my parents were well aware of the social changes going…

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Ready To Get Over Your Divorce? Quit Playing This Tricky Game

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March 16, 2014

The faster you move past blame the faster you'll heal from your divorce.

I was 8 when my family moved from Toledo, OH to San Jose, CA. I loved the adventure of being in a new place, being able to walk to school, the road-side stands selling bing cherries and I really loved cable TV.

Back in the early 70s, cable TV wasn’t a fact of life like it is today. Being able to almost always find something kid-friendly and interesting to watch whenever I wanted was awesome!

Some of the re-runs I’d watch after school were Password, The Dating Game, The Gong Show and The Newlywed Game. Of course being so young, I didn’t understand all of the jokes in these shows but I loved watching them because everyone was laughing so much.

All of these memories came rushing back last week when a woman reached out to me asking if there wasn’t something she could do to get all that should belong to her in the divorce. Of course I was confused at first because she was calling from Texas and Texas is a no-fault divorce and community property state. When I probed a bit deeper, she let me know that because her husband…

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Rediscovering You After Divorce

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January 14, 2014

Despite stress, confusion and misery. There's a gift in divorce if you look for it.

Have you heard the story of the frog in the pot? In case you haven't, it goes something like this. Imagine you took one of your old pots down to your local pond on a frog hunt. Your goal is to capture a frog along with some of the pond in your pot and bring your prizes back home. After sloshing through the muck for a while, you hear a ribbit off to your right. You slog your way as quietly as you can toward the sound and there it is the source of the ribbit — a huge frog! You slowly sneak up on the warty warbling beast and capture him, his lily pad and a bunch of pond water in your old pot.

Covered with a bit of pond scum, you make your way back home with your prize. When you walk in your front door, you make your way to the kitchen where you put the pot containing the frog, lily pad and pond water on the stove and turn the burner on low. Almost immediately, the frog is contentedly ribbiting away. You head off to change…

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