Divorce Blog

How To Escape A Miserable Marriage

Unhappy man looking out a window wondering how he can escape his miserable marriage.

It’s time to make a plan.

The vision of marriage is all about diving into life’s riches together. When you’re dating, you can’t get enough of one another. When you’re walking down the aisle, you see only the good that lies ahead. Nowhere in this fairytale is there a chapter on how to escape a miserable marriage. You don’t need it because...well, you just don’t need it. Your love, after all, is perfect. He’s perfect. She’s perfect. And love conquers all.

OK, hypnosis over. Back to reality. Even the most jaw-dropping carriage can be a glitzy cover for a rotting pumpkin. Bippity-boppity-boo doesn’t guarantee forever.

The first reality check is acknowledging (and preparing for) the fact that marriage isn’t all about holding hands and skipping through fields of gold. It’s work. Hard work. But hopefully the kind of work that is entered into with a vision toward personal and relational growth.

That’s why emotional maturity and a commitment to developing good communication skills is imperative. Without them, you will be more likely to see boredom, fighting, and periods of loneliness as signs that you made a mistake.

There are several shades of red in the red-flag category. Your marriage may simply be going through…

Read more: How To Escape A Miserable Marriage

Why Emotional Self-Awareness Is Difficult For Some People To Attain

Emotional self-awareness is behind this woman’s smile.

How well do you know yourself?

Who are the people you know really well in your life? Your spouse? Your parents? Your best friend? As you contemplate your most intimate, secret-keeping, mind-reading relationships, do you think of the relationship you have with yourself? Chances are you don’t. The level of emotional self-awareness necessary to truly know, let alone love, yourself isn’t easy to achieve.

Yet, it’s so easy, isn’t it, to have everyone else in your life “figured out.” You predict their thoughts and behaviors. You know why they do what they do. You’ve just been around them so long you can read them like a book.

You may even be “that person” all your friends turn to for a listening ear, comforting shoulder, and sound wisdom. You know what they’re feeling and why. Some people are just that “in touch.”

But how well do you have yourself figured out? Do you have a grasp of why you feel what you feel and do what you do? Can you read yourself the way you (think) you can read others?

Emotional self-awareness is the foundational element of emotional intelligence, which is a cluster of abilities that makes emotional regulation possible. But self-awareness is perhaps…

Read more: Why Emotional Self-Awareness Is Difficult For Some People To Attain

6 Reasons Happiness Is NOT A Destination

Little boy joyfully playing in a sprinkler.

Is it possible to find happiness right here, right now?

“Happiness is not a destination,” they say. “It’s a journey.” It’s a mindset, a perspective, a choice. And it has nothing to do with finally reaching the Holy Grail of anticipated, sought-after bliss.

If happiness runs in your veins, this may be preaching to the choir.

But for some, the elixir seems a little more elusive. And hearing that happiness is not a destination isn’t enough to change that. They need to understand why it isn’t an endpoint. 

If you’re among those who need a little more convincing that happiness is not a destination, here are 6 reasons to shift your thinking.

  • Set-point theory. 

    The set-point theory of happiness says that your level of subjective well-being is determined primarily by heredity and ingrained personality traits. You’ll naturally experience highs and lows through life experiences, but your happiness level will remain relatively constant. 

    In other words, based on this theory, your self-perception of happiness will always oscillate around a baseline level. Whether you lose a job or win the lottery, your attitude and emotional state will habituate to the change and return to your “normal.”

    The set-point theory has its challenges, but it corroborates one…

Read more: 6 Reasons Happiness Is NOT A Destination

What To Do If Your Life Is A Mess After Divorce

Man moving out and coming to grips with the fact his life is a mess after divorce.

It’s possible for you to love your life again.

It’s a tricky, devious, exhausting struggle, this whole getting-over-a-relationship thing. And if you have been married, you know there is a lot more at stake than just a romantic hit-and-run. Marriage means you were vested in something bigger than just “two people in love.” So, if your life is a mess after divorce, it’s no wonder. 

Think about what it’s like to pack up and move from a house you have lived in for 10, 20, 30 years. Now imagine the task as an effort to downsize. 

Everything that was once neatly in its place (on cleaning day, anyway) is now...well...everywhere. Essentials, non-essentials, mementos, family heirlooms, favorites-for-no-good-reason. It’s all unearthed, waiting for a decision to be made on its destiny.

Your home is a mess. Your life is a mess. After divorce, this metaphor comes to life in every area of your existence. You don’t feel as if you are “just moving” (or that they are just moving) -- you feel as if you have been foreclosed on.

You have to move out of and move into. You have to divide, negotiate, relinquish. 

You have to explain to the children…

Read more: What To Do If Your Life Is A Mess After Divorce

How To Decide If Your Marriage Is Just Unhealthy Or Completely Toxic

Unhappy man contemplating whether his marriage is unhealthy or toxic.

If you’ve ignored the early signs, your unhealthy marriage might have become toxic.

Every relationship has its emotional ebbs and flows. And locking in your commitment through marriage doesn’t guarantee steady waters for life. When boredom sets in or tempers flare, you may start wondering what happened to your fairytale utopia. What if I made the wrong choice? What if our marriage is unhealthy? What if the person I married isn’t really the person I married?

Even the best of marriages navigate predictable stages. No one can remain saturated in those stimulating, excitable romance hormones forever. At some point, couples have to live, return to work, raise children, deal with crises, see family and friends.

Ask the experts and they will tell you there are as few as three and as many as twelve stages of love. The number is less important than the message: love evolves. It is no more static than your feelings, preferences, and hairstyles are static.

But that doesn’t mean love can’t be steady and sustained. And, when the question of whether a marriage is unhealthy arises, it’s important to return to this awareness. How do you know if your healthy marriage has become unhealthy? And, worse yet, how do you know if…

Read more: How To Decide If Your Marriage Is Just Unhealthy Or Completely Toxic

Articles Search