January 16, 2017
Guidance for answering one of the most difficult questions you’ll ever face.
No marriage is perfect – no matter how things may look from the outside. Every couple has struggles and for some the struggles are so great that the only way to describe their union is as a bad marriage.
But there are a couple of curious things about bad marriages.
Some aren’t bad all the time or even most of the time. These are marriages that are situationally unhealthy and are reactions to something specific that happens.
The other curious thing about unhealthy marriages is that bad isn’t the same for everyone. What one couple (or one spouse) calls bad another couple easily accepts as normal.
So what causes a bad marriage?
There’s no single or simple answer here. People who are in unhealthy marriages have all kinds of ways to describe what is the root problem of their relationship woes.
- Betrayals – sexual and emotional
- Too much fighting
- Regularly receiving the silent treatment
- Not talking about problems
- Not cooperating or working together
- Not listening to understand
- Finding blame instead of problem-solving
- Being taken for granted
- Not meeting sexual needs
- Not meeting needs for intimacy
- Keeping secrets
- Passive/aggressive behavior
- Prolonged or repeated…
Read more: Is Your Bad Marriage Bad Enough To Leave?
January 9, 2017
The answer is definitely … it depends.
Outside of the legal definition, marriage is a commitment that two people make to each other. For most couples the commitment includes monogamy.
But what happens if a bisexual person enters into a marriage with a heterosexual person and still wants to have homosexual sex? Will they be cheating if they do?
If you’re bisexual and in this situation, you know this is a complicated question to answer. Yet by your willingness to answer it you’re doing a couple of great things. First, you’re honoring yourself by being aware of your needs (and your sexual identity). Second, you’re displaying love and respect for both your spouse and your marriage.
Getting back to answering the question … The only way to know if having sex with a same sex partner is cheating on your spouse is to look at your specific situation.
Situation 1: Your spouse knew you were bisexual and wanted to continue having homosexual sex when you married.
Since your spouse entered into the union knowing your sexual orientation and that you still wanted to fulfill your desire for sex with a same sex partner, you probably figured out a way to respectfully communicate about when you…
Read more: Bi In Hetero Marriage: Am I Cheating If I Have Homosexual Sex?
January 9, 2017
There are other truly amazing reasons to date besides getting hitched again.
I can’t tell you how many people (especially men) I’ve talked to over the years who begin dating after divorce for the sole purpose of finding “the one.” You know, the person who really will love them for the rest of their lives (unlike their ex who said they would, but didn’t).
The problem is that when recently divorced people approach dating from this perspective they’re setting themselves up for another heartbreak. (Yes, this is the voice of personal experience and of observation.) And, no, it’s not 100% true all of the time, but it’s more true than not.
The reason why starting to date with the goal of finding the perfect person for you is so problematic is because you’re probably not completely you yet.
A bad marriage and divorce takes a toll on you. Over the years you adapted to the situation. And by adapting you’ve probably given up little pieces of yourself here and there.
On top of that most divorces are incredibly painful to go through. Because of the pain, it’s natural to gravitate to people who are caring and kind without much regard for the rest of their personality.…
Read more: Dating – It Is Not Always About Finding That Perfect Person
January 9, 2017
The help you need for understanding your post-divorce negative thoughts and how to stop them.
Getting through all the drama, trauma and legalities of divorce is positively exhausting. It makes sense that you would wrestle with negative thoughts while you’re going through divorce.
After all, before your divorce was final it was perfectly normal to struggle with coming to terms with the end of your marriage, your (and your kids’) tumultuous emotions, all the legal stuff, your drastically altered financial situation, and figuring out how to live your life now that you’re single.
You’d think that after the ink dried on your decree that you’d feel better. But you don’t – at least not completely. Sure, some things are easier. Yet you’re still plagued by horribly negative thoughts.
- I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.
- I’m a failure.
- How could s/he give up on us so easily?
- Why has s/he moved on already?
- It’s so unfair that my life has to change like this.
- I know this divorce has destroyed my kids’ chances of ever being happy.
And these critical, fearful, worrisome, angry and despairing thoughts worry you. You believe that you should be over it all by now. And with…
Read more: Are Negative Thoughts Common After Divorce?
January 2, 2017
Even “nice” prejudices cause more harm than good.
I’m sick and tired of all the divisiveness we’re subjected to every day here in the US. Our culture seems to thrive on the us vs. them mentality.
We see it in the way people segregate themselves into groups with a strong loyalty that often transcends logic (often referred to as tribalism). Just a few examples include the rabid nature of our 2-party political system (especially during election time); the way we root for our favorite teams; how we identify not as being Americans, but as a particular type of American (African, Latino, Chinese, etc.); and in our sexuality.
Now don’t get me wrong. I believe having a strong sense of identity is important and that challenge can promote growth. But we go overboard with it when we use our sense of us vs. them to produce barriers that prevent communication or to promote a prejudice – even when that prejudice is “nice”.
One of the “nice” prejudices I’ve repeatedly run across has to do with same-sex divorce.
The right for same-sex couples to marry in every state is still new (it became the law of the land on June 26, 2015). Many same-sex couples have…
Read more: Yes, Homosexual Divorce Hurts Too (DUH!)