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Divorce Blog

Dating – It Is Not Always About Finding That Perfect Person

There are other truly amazing reasons to date besides getting hitched again.

I can’t tell you how many people (especially men) I’ve talked to over the years who begin dating after divorce for the sole purpose of finding “the one.” You know, the person who really will love them for the rest of their lives (unlike their ex who said they would, but didn’t).

The problem is that when recently divorced people approach dating from this perspective they’re setting themselves up for another heartbreak. (Yes, this is the voice of personal experience and of observation.) And, no, it’s not 100% true all of the time, but it’s more true than not.

The reason why starting to date with the goal of finding the perfect person for you is so problematic is because you’re probably not completely you yet.

A bad marriage and divorce takes a toll on you. Over the years you adapted to the situation. And by adapting you’ve probably given up little pieces of yourself here and there.

On top of that most divorces are incredibly painful to go through. Because of the pain, it’s natural to gravitate to people who are caring and kind without much regard for the rest of their personality.…

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Are Negative Thoughts Common After Divorce?

Woman wondering if her negative thoughts are normal after divorce.

The help you need for understanding your post-divorce negative thoughts and how to stop them.

Getting through all the drama, trauma and legalities of divorce is positively exhausting. It makes sense that you would wrestle with negative thoughts while you’re going through divorce.

After all, before your divorce was final it was perfectly normal to struggle with coming to terms with the end of your marriage, your (and your kids’) tumultuous emotions, all the legal stuff, your drastically altered financial situation, and figuring out how to live your life now that you’re single.

You’d think that after the ink dried on your decree that you’d feel better. But you don’t – at least not completely. Sure, some things are easier. Yet you’re still plagued by horribly negative thoughts.

Thoughts like:

  • I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.
  • I’m a failure.
  • How could s/he give up on us so easily?
  • Why has s/he moved on already?
  • It’s so unfair that my life has to change like this.
  • I know this divorce has destroyed my kids’ chances of ever being happy.

And these critical, fearful, worrisome, angry and despairing thoughts worry you. You believe that you should be over it all by now. And with…

Read more: Are Negative Thoughts Common After Divorce?

Yes, Homosexual Divorce Hurts Too (DUH!)

Even “nice” prejudices cause more harm than good.

I’m sick and tired of all the divisiveness we’re subjected to every day here in the US. Our culture seems to thrive on the us vs. them mentality.

We see it in the way people segregate themselves into groups with a strong loyalty that often transcends logic (often referred to as tribalism). Just a few examples include the rabid nature of our 2-party political system (especially during election time); the way we root for our favorite teams; how we identify not as being Americans, but as a particular type of American (African, Latino, Chinese, etc.); and in our sexuality.

Now don’t get me wrong. I believe having a strong sense of identity is important and that challenge can promote growth. But we go overboard with it when we use our sense of us vs. them to produce barriers that prevent communication or to promote a prejudice – even when that prejudice is “nice”.

One of the “nice” prejudices I’ve repeatedly run across has to do with same-sex divorce.

The right for same-sex couples to marry in every state is still new (it became the law of the land on June 26, 2015). Many same-sex couples have…

Read more: Yes, Homosexual Divorce Hurts Too (DUH!)

When Co Parenting Is Impossible

No child is doomed when co parenting is impossible after divorce.

Coparenting isn’t always the best choice for raising happy, healthy kids after divorce.

As idyllic as many divorce professionals make coparenting sound for parents who don’t live together, sometimes it’s just impossible to do.

Some reasons co parenting is impossible include:

  • A parent is actively abusing alcohol, drugs or another substance
  • A parent is incarcerated
  • A parent is violent or has threatened violence against an adult, child, pet or property
  • One parent has active restraining orders against the other parent
  • A parent has an appropriate sexual behavior or other acting out behavior
  • A parent neglects or has abandoned their child (children)
  • A parent has a history of frequent, unexpected moves or plans to move out of the area
  • A parent is actively alienating their child/children from the other parent
  • There’s simply too much friction between the parents to communicate at the level necessary for coparenting.

But just because you can’t enter into a coparenting relationship with your child or children’s other parent, that doesn’t mean that your divorce will destroy your children. What’s most important for your children to adjust well to your divorce is that you adjust well to it because your emotions are contagious.

When coparenting is impossible, you do have other options. You…

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Who Does Co-Parenting Benefit?

Who does co-parenting benefit? The kids, but there are others.

Co-parenting is not just about the kids.

Co-parenting is a term that most people don’t hear until they’re separating or divorcing. But the truth is that co-parenting is the ideal way to parent regardless of marital status. (Although, ideal doesn’t mean it will work best for you and your situation.) That’s because parents who raise their children this way agree on parenting decisions and choose to put their kids’ needs first.

At first blush, this definition of co-parenting makes it seem like the kids are the only beneficiaries. And there are definitely a lot of benefits for children whose parents co-parent. Among them are:

  • Increased sense of security and self-worth. Kids who are co-parented know they can rely on both Mom and Dad to have their best interests at heart and to be consistent in their parenting decisions. This increased sense of security also translates to the children feeling loved and important.
  • Decreased stress, anxiety and guilt at each of their homes. When kids know that their parents are working together to raise them, they don’t have to worry about Dad or Mom. They are free to simply be kids.
  • Decreased stress and anxiety outside of the home.When children can trust their parents…

Read more: Who Does Co-Parenting Benefit?