- March 11, 2019
No matter how bad things seem now, you can get through this.
The divorce devastated you. The affair that caused it all but destroyed you. Knowing how to get over a divorce and an affair seems all but impossible.
It’s a sobering reality that we just take for granted the “around 50%” divorce rate in the US. Even worse when you consider the higher rates for subsequent marriages, or the percentage of divorces prompted by infidelity.
But those are just statistics -- pragmatic pie charts of connubial destiny in America. They tell you nothing about the feelings, histories and struggles of the people who make up the numbers. And they show you nothing about how to get over a divorce and an affair.
The list of collateral damage from divorce will come as no surprise. There is the plummet into sadness, anger, confusion and all the stages of grief. There are the financial ramifications and the short- and long-term trauma to children.
Add to an already painful experience the rip-your-heart-out scourge of infidelity, and those consequences become amplified and even more complex.
Read more: How To Get Over A Divorce And An Affair
- March 1, 2019
There’s the end and then there’s finality.
Divorce is often compared to death in terms of the experience of loss and grief. But despite their similarities, dealing with grief after divorce is different from grief over death.
When you’re suffering from any kind of pain or loss, the last thing you want is a comparison of your pain to others. “At least you still have (this),” “At least you didn’t lose (that),” “It could have been so much worse.”
Making comparisons, even with the best intentions, can minimize the sufferer’s feelings and reality. It can also lead the one making the comparisons to mete out compassion relative to the judgment made.
When comparing the ways that dealing with grief after divorce is different from grief after death, no such judgment is intended. Those who have experienced both divorce and the death of a spouse can best attest to the entanglement of their similarities and differences.
Some of the obvious ways that dealing with grief after divorce and dealing with grief after death of a spouse are similar include:
- There is the painful loss of a spouse, and often the loss of self-identity as a partner.
- Both divorce and death mark an end to your hopes,…
Read more: 10 Ways Dealing With Grief After Divorce Is Different From Grief Over Death
- February 22, 2019
You can overcome your fears if you learn to listen to them differently.
When the Kansas tornado picked up Dorothy’s house and whisked it off to Munchkinland, she was naturally afraid. Feeling scared of life after divorce isn’t much different, really.
Marriage, with all its imperfections and frustrations, is the thing you “know.” Or at least you think you do. It’s the “Auntie Em,” the point on your compass that you at least recognize. And familiarity is comforting -- even, ironically, when it’s uncomfortable.
Whether or not you wanted to end your marriage, divorce represents the tornado that can wipe out your dreams in one pass. Even if you see it coming, it doesn’t tell you where it’s going to drop you. Or how hard.
It’s only natural to feel scared of life after divorce. To fear being alone. To worry about your kids. To worry about finances. To dread attorneys, courts and fees. To feel angry, hurt, robbed.
The post-divorce rubble can leave you scrambling to find even one thing that represents home and happiness to you. Friendships and family ties get weird, and some disappear altogether. Money is a major issue, and often there is no retirement in place to even cushion…
Read more: 7 Things To Remember When You’re Feeling Scared Of Life After Divorce
- February 8, 2019
Here’s how to decide for yourself.
Marriage, like the love that leads to it, rides many waves of change. And not all are fun. So asking, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” isn’t a yes-or-no query.
The answer, of course, ultimately lies with you and your spouse. But arriving at the answer shouldn’t be an arbitrary, heat-of-the-moment, feelings-only process.
If you’re at a point in your marriage where you’re contemplating “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” we need to talk.
Ironically, talking -- how much, how, when, with what intention -- is often what’s missing in marriages on the threshold of divorce. In one way or another, communication is at the root of most problems.
If you research advice regarding staying in or leaving an unhappy marriage, you will get answers across the spectrum. And the black, white and gray of them all will have just as many shades of suggestions and directives.
A person looking for a reason to leave will find one. A person looking for a reason to stay will find one. The availability of advice and justification for any choice is abundant.
And that’s why it’s so important to consider the source of the information, and especially…
Read more: Is An Unhappy Marriage Better Than Divorce?
- February 4, 2019
Parenting after divorce is difficult, but these tips can help make things easier for you.
As difficult as divorce is, co-parenting may be even more difficult. And co-parenting with a difficult ex could make you want to hitch a ride with Thelma and Louise.
The drama, the crazy-making, the accusations and bad-mouthing, the manipulation, the constant pushing of limits….Co-parenting with a difficult ex can be incredibly frustrating.
How can you maintain your sanity and ensure that your children have access to at least one ‘adult’ parent?
You know that good co-parenting means you put the children first. But you can do only so much if you are co-parenting with a difficult ex.
And what if your ex is a narcissist or toxic person? How do you pull off a shared effort with someone who is incapable of putting anyone else first?
Strategies for co-parenting with a difficult ex all have two non-negotiables at their core. The first is the highest good of your children. The second is the maintenance of your personal integrity and sanity.
If you can keep those commitments in focus at all times, you will more easily navigate your ex’s efforts to throw you off-course.
Power struggles are often at the…
Read more: 9 Tips For Co-Parenting With A Difficult Ex