Dealing With Grief

Wish Your Ex Would Die So Your Divorce Won't Hurt So Much?

You don't (really) want them dead.

Divorce sucks. Two people who married with dreams of happily-ever-after become enemies who seemingly simultaneously want their former spouse to die and to love them again. It's a confusing, frustrating and maddening situation to be in.

More often than not, a divorcing spouse will lean toward one of the two opposing fantasies. I leaned toward wishing my ex would die — not because I really wished he would cease living, but because I wanted the pain I felt to stop.

Although my ex was the one who filed for divorce, I was fully on-board with the idea. I knew I would eventually be better off on my own than to remain in a marriage that I only knew how to make work by sacrificing who I really was in favor of who he had grown accustomed to me being. He became accustomed to be being the one that figured out how to make things work because that's what I did. I thought it was my responsibility to make our marriage work. (And, yes, we did work with a marriage counselor. But like most couples who finally choose to see a counselor we had waited too long to ask for help.…

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15 Hilarious Quotes To Help You Get Over Your Divorce With A SMILE

Laughter really is the BEST medicine.

Disbelief. Hurt. Loneliness. Heartbreak. Anger. These are just some of the most difficult emotions you feel during divorce.

It’s not that you’ve never felt any of them before. It’s more like on a scale of 1 to 10, the intensity of each is a 20. And, you’re experiencing them all at the exact same time, which feels debilitating and frightening.

When I was going through my divorce, there were times I wondered if I was going insane. And other times, I’d even have a fleeting question about whether I’d be better off if I took my own life.

These aren’t funny emotions and your divorce isn’t (necessarily) a source of comedy. But what if you could laugh (at least a little) about your situation or someone else’s? It's OK to find something funny about what’s going on — even if it’s at your ex’s expense. Heck, especially if it’s at your ex’s expense!

Research studies tell us time and again about the benefits of laughter. We're told laughter is the best medicine, with plenty of physical, mental and social benefits to laughter including: attracting others to us, easing anxiety and fear, and lowering stress hormones. (And who couldn’t use that while dealing with divorce?)

But, did you know that laughter can actually help dissipate anger?

In fact, comedians frequently use…

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Struggling With Thoughts Of Reconciliation Post-Divorce?

Man dealing with grief post-divorce and contemplating reconciliation.

Don’t worry, those thoughts are normal – whether they’re wanted or not.

They’re confusing, frustrating and add to the horrible mess of wondering if the whole divorce thing has finally driven you mad.

What I want you to know is that thoughts of reconciliation are completely normal when you’re dealing with grief after divorce.

So take a deep breath, relax knowing that you’re still sane as you read on to understand what’s up with those bizarre (and usually unwelcome) thoughts of reconciliation that are popping into your head.

Dealing with grief after divorce is a complicated thing. It’s lots different than dealing with grief after a death. Death is final. You’ll never look that person in the eyes again.

After divorce, you have the opportunity to look your ex in the eyes each and every time you hand the kids off and/or at each major event in the kids’ lives (think graduation, marriage, grandchildren, accepting a Nobel Prize, etc.). So finding closure after divorce is difficult and makes the whole dealing with grief thing more challenging.

Regardless of the grief you’re experiencing, you’re likely to go through the 5 stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross:

  1. Denial and Isolation
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

Take…

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I Became My Own Divorce Superhero And Rescued Myself From Fear

Divorce scared the hell out of me. Until I decided to face that fear head on.

Numb and terrified. I spent so much time scared out of my mind after my divorce, worrying about what might happen to me. My nightmares were so bad, I hardly slept. And eating wasn't happening much either, as I constantly felt nauseous and without an appetite. My thoughts looped around a racetrack, imagining one possible catastrophe that might befall me after another. I felt completely helpless to change any of it, but as strange as it sounds, I felt the best in moments when I could finally be numb.

They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you can make the hard choices required to truly change your life. For me to get through my divorce, that's exactly what I needed—to hit rock bottom. Only then could I start to grasp the idea that I deserved to be free from the tyranny of my thoughts and fears, and that I had to chooseto overcome them, no matter what. I realized at one point that there was no magic wand to be found, no fairy godmother on her way, no knight in shining armor about to sweep into my life…

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The Secret Grief Of Divorce You Never Talk About

Woman thinking about her grief of divorce.

Your griefs are real even if you’ve never heard anyone else talk about them before.

Divorce isn’t something anyone is ever totally prepared for. You probably know someone who’s gotten divorced and seen what they went through. But watching someone else deal with the grief of divorce doesn’t do anything to make you ready to deal with your own.

You were probably shocked to learn that your ex wanted a divorce and tried to see if you could do anything to save the marriage. Usually there’s nothing to do. Once someone comes to the point of asking for a divorce, they’re usually done and are already experiencing their own guilt and grief.

And after the unwelcome surprise of hearing the words “I want a divorce” begins to wear off, the tidal waves of grief begin to hit you. And they don’t just hit once. The waves of grief hit you again and again and again – until you’re not sure you can take it anymore.

Yet, as uncomfortable and miserable as the grief is, the only way to truly get over the painful losses resulting from the end of your marriage is to go through the grief and acknowledge each and every one of your losses.…

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