Unhappy Marriage?

What To Do If You’re Struggling With A Miserable Second Marriage

Woman looking over the landscape wondering what to do about her miserable second marriage.

Some ideas to consider before throwing in the towel.

 

The New York Times reported that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Given a statistic like that, it makes sense that if you’re miserable in your second marriage that you might be wondering if it’s time to call a divorce attorney.

But before you pick up the phone, take a deep breath and consider exactly what it means to be struggling in your second marriage.

There are a multitude of reasons why second marriages fail and just as many for why others make it. To get to the bottom of what’s making yours so unhappy, let’s look at two categories of problems you might be having. The first are common to every marriage and the second are common to second (third, fourth…) marriages.

The most common struggles all married couples need to come to grips with include:

  1. Ideals vs reality

    Happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It takes work – lots of work – every single day of your lives together.

    Since life isn’t a cake walk, marriages and spouses have good days, meh days and bad days. If your second marriage is going to work, you both need to recommit on a daily basis…

Read more: What To Do If You’re Struggling With A Miserable Second Marriage

Why Leaving An Unhappy Marriage May Not Make You Any Happier

Sad woman faking a smile as she considers leaving an unhappy marriage.

There are no guarantees.

Most assume there are only two choices when faced with an unhappy marriage: stay and be miserable or divorce and be happy. But you have more choices than just staying or going. Staying doesn’t have to equal misery. Leaving an unhappy marriage doesn’t always lead to happiness.

Marriages are very complicated and unique to each couple. What is the worst possible situation imaginable to one couple is merely a bump in the road to another.

Recommended Reading: What Does An Unhappy Marriage Look Like?

Each spouse in a marriage is unique too. You and your spouse each had different experiences before you ever met that molded each of you. Some of this shaping was helpful and some you may still be working through because it trips you up at times.

Then there are the experiences that you’ve had together. Some have probably been good. While others haven’t. You and your spouse may even disagree on which experiences have been good and which weren’t.

However you’ve made it to the point where you’re searching for information about leaving an unhappy marriage, you need to understand what doing so does and doesn’t mean.

Divorce is one of the most distressing life eventsyou can…

Read more: Why Leaving An Unhappy Marriage May Not Make You Any Happier

Is An Unhappy Marriage Better Than Divorce?

Unhappy couple each wondering, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?”

Here’s how to decide for yourself.

Marriage, like the love that leads to it, rides many waves of change. And not all are fun. So asking, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” isn’t a yes-or-no query.

The answer, of course, ultimately lies with you and your spouse. But arriving at the answer shouldn’t be an arbitrary, heat-of-the-moment, feelings-only process.

If you’re at a point in your marriage where you’re contemplating “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” we need to talk.

Ironically, talking -- how much, how, when, with what intention -- is often what’s missing in marriages on the threshold of divorce. In one way or another, communication is at the root of most problems.

If you research advice regarding staying in or leaving an unhappy marriage, you will get answers across the spectrum. And the black, white and gray of them all will have just as many shades of suggestions and directives.

A person looking for a reason to leave will find one. A person looking for a reason to stay will find one. The availability of advice and justification for any choice is abundant.

And that’s why it’s so important to consider the source of the information, and especially…

Read more: Is An Unhappy Marriage Better Than Divorce?

Why Simply Surviving An Unhappy Marriage Will Make You Miserable

Man holding his head wondering if surviving an unhappy marriage is even possible.

You don’t have to accept the status quo.

How could your life have changed so dramatically? It wasn’t that long ago you were enjoying dreams of happily ever after. And somehow now, after such a beautiful beginning, you’re wondering about simply surviving an unhappy marriage.

Somewhere between then and now you’ve lost the shared dreams along with the ones that were just yours.

The love that once kept both of you bathed in feel-good hormones that made everything OK and helped you work together to find solutions to every challenge has disappeared. And now you’re unhappy – really, dreadfully unhappy.

What Makes A Marriage Unhappy?

There are so many things that can make marriages unhappy. And just like no two people are exactly alike, the reasons why your marriage is unhappy will be unique to you. Some of the common reasons people say they’re unhappy in their marriage include one or more of the following:

  • Infidelity

    It doesn’t matter if the infidelity is physical or emotional, it hurts. And it hurts everyone involved – not just the betrayed and the betrayer. It’s the unhealed pain of infidelity that causes unhappiness.

  • Abuse

    Abuse in a marriageisn’t only physical. It can be mental, emotional and/or sexual too. And when someone…

Read more: Why Simply Surviving An Unhappy Marriage Will Make You Miserable

7 Tips For Changing An Unhappy Marriage For The Better

Man who is contemplating the tips for changing an unhappy marriage.

These tips for changing an unhappy marriage will help you begin changing yours.

To begin changing an unhappy marriage is to welcome an avalanche of feelings, questions, disappointments, even fears. The admission is like the last finger sliding from your death-grip on a steep cliff, with nothing below to catch you.

OK, so that’s a bit dramatic. But to the person finally mouthing the words, “I’m in an unhappy marriage,” that scenario may not be too far from the truth. After all, marriages don’t just rocket out of the “happiness atmosphere” and into the black hole of despair overnight. They inch their way along with a little neglect here, some acrimony there, a veneer of denial everywhere….

If you’ve reached the point where denial is no longer an option, you may wonder if changing an unhappy marriage is possible. And if you have come to this conclusion of unhappiness alone, you may feel you are the keeper of a deep, dark secret.

It’s unlikely that one spouse is miserable while the other is basking in bliss. But it’s not unrealistic to expect that the two come to their recognition of an unhappy marriage in different ways, at different times.

The things that accumulate to damage…

Read more: 7 Tips For Changing An Unhappy Marriage For The Better

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