5 Brutal Signs You Are One Seriously LOUSY Spouse

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June 26, 2015

Your partner isn’t the problem, sweetheart … YOU are.

A marriage takes work — lots of it — and from each spouse. And the rewards for your effort are: happiness, contentment, peace, and, of course, loving and feeling loved. 

But, what happens when you begin to question whether the hard work is worth it? What happens when the bad times significantly outweigh the good (and have for a long time)? The rewards suddenly seem more like a pipe dream than a reality. 

What usually happens once someone reaches this point is … they blame their spouse.

They blame their spouse for being a sorry, excuse for a mate and they fuel their resentment of their spouse with fantasies about divorce.

But, whoa ... wait a minute. Let's back this divorce train up for just a moment. True, being married takes work, but it's nothing compared to the effort and work that divorce requires. Getting and then being divorced is at least ten times more frustrating and infuriating than the common annoyances of marriage. Once the marriage ends, you and your spouse become straight up adversaries, who must now come to some kind of agreement about: child custody, parenting, finances, and possessions. And there's nothing easy about that.

Also, you don't just get…

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Compromise Isn’t A Contest

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August 19, 2013

The ability to compromise is one of the requirements for a successful long-term relationship. Although when the relationship ends, it’s pretty common to realize that what you were calling compromise really wasn’t. You discover you were giving in or giving up for the sake of keeping the peace or being a wonderful partner. In essence, you lost and your partner won.

If someone wins and someone loses, it’s not compromise. It’s a contest and there’s a score.

Although we’re taught to be good sports when we’re kids – you know be a gracious winner and a good sport about losing – I don’t know anyone who likes to lose again and again and again. That’s because continually losing in a contest can lead us to think that we’re less than our opponent. When our opponent is our partner, it’s a recipe for disaster. They start to also believe that we’re less than they are and treat us that way. Then, we start resenting them and lose a little piece of ourselves every time we stuff our thoughts and feelings for the sake of “compromise”.

Compromise isn’t about always doing what someone else expects or wants. Compromise in a relationship is about two people who respect…

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Is Marriage Good for Your Health? Maybe. Maybe Not.

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December 29, 2014

The article “Why marriage can be good for your health” doesn’t even begin to tell the whole story.

TimesOnline recently published an article “Why marriage can be good for your health”. After reading the article, I believe the conclusions they reach and the research they cite may not tell the whole story.

The article looked at a 2006 study that found married people tend to have longer lives than people who are widowed, divorced/separated or have never been married. What’s most interesting to me about this statement is that there is also research that disputes this fact for women.

In 2010, the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research released a press release about a study they did which explicitly states “The downside of marriage for women: the greater a wife’s age gap from her husband, the lower her life expectancy.”

Safety is another reason the TimesOnline gives for marriage being good for your health.  I agree that being in a committed, monogamous relationship will decrease your chances of contracting a disease through intimate encounters, but there are plenty of people I work with who believed they were in a committed, monogamous relationship who find out their spouse has cheated on them.   Marriage in and of itself…

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Separated Or Divorced: The Easy Road?

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July 19, 2013

Have you ever heard someone say that instead of working things out a couple is taking the easy road by deciding to separate and divorce? I have and all I can say to those ignorant people is “Seriously? You have no idea what it takes to get divorced.”

Making the decision that a relationship in which you’ve invested YEARS of your life is better off ending than continuing is FAR from easy. In fact, it’s usually gut wrenching. Although there are the extremely rare people who enter into a marriage with the intent that it end with divorce, the rest of us jump into marriage with both feet, a sense of commitment and a willingness to make things work whatever that takes. And did I mention we usually spend YEARS trying to make things work before we ever think of separation or divorce. I certainly don’t see how any sane person can look at a couple who’s divorcing and say they’re taking the easy road.

Reaching the decision to separate and divorce is hard. It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made not only in the moment the decision was made, but in the fall-out of that decision. EVERYTHING changed in that…

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