Living In An Unhappy Marriage | Dr. Karen Finn

Is Your Bad Marriage Bad Enough To Leave?

Details: January 16, 2017

Woman driving and struggling with what to do about her bad marriage.

Guidance for answering one of the most difficult questions you’ll ever face.

No marriage is perfect – no matter how things may look from the outside. Every couple has struggles and for some the struggles are so great that the only way to describe their union is as a bad marriage.

But there are a couple of curious things about bad marriages.

Some aren’t bad all the time or even most of the time. These are marriages that are situationally unhealthy and are reactions to something specific that happens.

The other curious thing about unhealthy marriages is that bad isn’t the same for everyone. What one couple (or one spouse) calls bad another couple easily accepts as normal.

So what causes a bad marriage?

There’s no single or simple answer here. People who are in unhealthy marriages have all kinds of ways to describe what is the root problem of their relationship woes.

Betrayals – sexual and emotional
Too much fighting
Regularly receiving the silent treatment
Not talking about problems
Not cooperating or working together
Not listening to understand
Finding blame instead of problem-solving
Being taken for granted
Not meeting sexual needs
Not meeting needs for intimacy
Keeping secrets
Passive/aggressive behavior
Resentment
Apathy
Prolonged or repeated…

What To Do If You’re Wondering “Should I Get A Divorce?”

Details: November 28, 2016

Woman struggling with the question “Should I get a divorce?”

4 tips for answering one of the most difficult questions you’ll ever ask.

If you’re wondering “Should I get a divorce?”, you’re in a tough spot. My guess is you didn’t just happen on this thought out of the blue either. There’s been a lot going on.

Maybe what’s been going on has been your spouse’s doing. They haven’t been communicating with you. They’ve been abusive. They’ve cheated. Or they’ve done something else.

Maybe what’s been going on has been your doing. You’ve stopped talking with your spouse about what’s important to you. You’ve given up. You’ve started self-medicating to deal with the pain you’re feeling. You’re having an affair. Or you’ve done something else.

Whatever has brought you to the point of asking yourself “Should I get a divorce?” you’re ready for things to change, but you’re not sure how to make things better or if “better” is even possible.

No doubt about it this is a really tough spot in which to find yourself. If you choose to stay in your marriage, what are the chances things will get better? And if you choose to divorce, how do you even begin to make that work and how will it impact the…

Married To A Drama Queen (Or King)? Here’s How To Handle It

Details: October 26, 2016

Crying over small things is part of the act of a drama queen.

Use these four steps to better manage the outbursts of your drama queen or king.

Remember when you first met your spouse? They seemed so alive and fearless about passionately expressing their emotions and opinions. They were the life of whatever gathering they were part of. And They seemed incredibly confident and sexy.

When this amazing person became interested in you, you were naturally and willingly drawn in to their exciting world.

But now, their exciting world is sucking you dry. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells because you’re afraid of triggering another episode. And you’re so drained of emotional energy that it’s hard to pursue the things that are important to you. You might even find yourself avoiding being anywhere near your high-strung spouse.

Making a marriage work takes a lot of effort on the part of both spouses. The trouble is that when you’re married to a drama queen (or king) it can seem like you’re the only adult since they’re so busy trying to grab all the attention by throwing temper tantrums and insisting that you take care of them regardless of what else is happening.

But it is possible to make your marriage work despite your spouse’s theatrical nature and…

Can The Holidays Save My Marriage?

Details: November 14, 2016

Woman gazing into her husband’s eyes wondering “Can I save my marriage?”

These five ideas could give you the inspiration you need to save your marriage this holiday season.

Did you know that in most of the English-speaking countries that January is the most popular month to file for divorce? I see the January effect every year in my practice.

And when I ask my January and February clients why they (or their soon-to-be-ex) decided to file for divorce in January they usually say they wanted to give their family one last holiday season together.

On the one hand, this is a lovely gift for them to give their family. And on the other, I wonder if it’s possible to look at the holiday season as a time to ask “How can I use the holidays to save my marriage?”

The only way I can begin to answer this question here is to look at the top 5 reasons couples divorce and offer suggestions for how the holidays offer unique opportunities to begin addressing each of them.

How Can The Holidays Save My Marriage From …

A Lack Of Commitment? Marriage takes work – a lot of work. (And so do the holidays.) But what if you sat your spouse down and explained that the only gift you wanted…

How To Answer The Question ‘Is My Marriage Over?’

Details: September 23, 2016

You can confidently and without regret answer this question for yourself.

One of the most difficult questions you’ll ever ask yourself is "Is my marriage over?" It’s rarely a simple yes or no that you can confidently offer as a response. (There are some circumstances when you should immediately choose to divorce, but, thankfully, people dealing with those situations usually already know they need to end their marriage.)

You’ll struggle with this question for several reasons.

"Is my marriage over?" is a highly emotionally charged question. Your emotions ping pong between upset, sadness, fear, worry, nostalgia and a whole host of others as you struggle to figure out your answer. And when your emotions are so strongly engaged it’s almost impossible to think clearly.

The stakes are high when you begin asking this question. You’re facing a fork in the road. Either you stay or you go. There’s no in-between.

Although you’re asking yourself ‘Is my marriage over?’, the truth is that your answer will impact many more people than just you. Obviously, your spouse and kids (and pets) will be deeply affected by what you choose. But so will your family, your spouse’s family, and your friends. It’s a whole lot of…

Unhappy Marriage?