- April 28, 2014
Overwhelm is common in divorce. Use these 3 ideas to beat it as you’re dealing with divorce.
Do you ever feel all tangled up on the inside and didn’t know which direction to turn?
Or maybe you feel that you’re stuck in quicksand and it’s taking all your effort to just make it through each day?
Or worse, you feel that you’re wearing a choke-chain of all your responsibilities and don’t really know who you are anymore?
Don’t worry. I’ve been there. In fact, everyone I know who has been through divorce has been there too. It’s easy to become overwhelmed when you’re dealing with divorce. Overwhelm can be hard to overcome and yet it’s a common part of divorce. Knowing how to get through it or stop it all together is a critical skill to develop as you’re dealing with divorce. What I’m going to share with you today are some of the techniques I regularly use with myself, my family and my clients when things start to feel overwhelming.
1. Change your story.
When I was finding my way through the aftermath of my divorce, I used to tell myself really scary stories. They were stories of doom and I told them over…
Read more: 3 Tips for Dealing with Divorce
- April 4, 2014
A celebrity break-up can help you discover that you are definitely still lovable.
I recently read an article ridiculing Robin Thick for giving his estranged wife, Paula Patton, gifts and public apologies to woo her back. What I found so interesting is the obvious derision the author had for his attempts.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning cheating. I’m also not ignoring the fact that it takes a lot of hard work by both parties for a relationship to survive an affair. What I am surprised by is how the author of the article assumes that Thicke’s attempts are obviously wrong.
Gary Chapman has done some important work on love languages that is important to consider before an outsider can make any judgments on the validity of Thicke’s or anyone else’s attempts at showing love and apologizing.
Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, identifies five different ways that people give and receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. We each naturally express love in the ways that we prefer to receive love.
Considering Thicke’s attempts to woo Patton back involve public apologies and lavish gifts, I’m guessing that two of his preferred love languages are words…
Read more: Getting Divorced: Are You Still Lovable?
- March 23, 2014
Whatever you bring with you to your divorce will color your experience. Make sure you’re bringing what you want to have!
My husband and I are going through the process of selling our home and buying a new one. If you’ve ever gone through the sale and purchase of a home, you know how stressful this process can be.
We’d been talking about moving for a couple of years, but hadn’t done anything else about it because it was easier to just stay put and complain instead of being willing to do what we knew to be right for us and move.
Luckily, when we were making some minor remodels to our home, we mentioned to our contractor that we were thinking of moving. Well, this woman heard our deep desire for something different and challenged us to put up or shut up.
We rose to the challenge – mostly. We still had some bumps in the road to getting our house ready to put on the market and fully committing to the work necessary on our parts. But, we did get our work done.
And you know what happened? We had a full-price contract on our home within 48 hours of putting it on…
Read more: What Are You Bringing to Your Divorce?
- March 16, 2014
The faster you move past blame the faster you'll heal from your divorce.
I was 8 when my family moved from Toledo, OH to San Jose, CA. I loved the adventure of being in a new place, being able to walk to school, the road-side stands selling bing cherries and I really loved cable TV.
Back in the early 70s, cable TV wasn’t a fact of life like it is today. Being able to almost always find something kid-friendly and interesting to watch whenever I wanted was awesome!
Some of the re-runs I’d watch after school were Password, The Dating Game, The Gong Show and The Newlywed Game. Of course being so young, I didn’t understand all of the jokes in these shows but I loved watching them because everyone was laughing so much.
All of these memories came rushing back last week when a woman reached out to me asking if there wasn’t something she could do to get all that should belong to her in the divorce. Of course I was confused at first because she was calling from Texas and Texas is a no-fault divorce and community property state. When I probed a bit deeper, she let me know that because her husband…
Read more: Ready To Get Over Your Divorce? Quit Playing This Tricky Game
- March 3, 2014
One of my clients recently asked me if it was weird for her to want to be friends with her ex-husband’s sister. I asked her for a few more details about the relationship to see if I could figure out why she was asking this question. She started squirming in her chair as she gave me the details. It turns out she was feeling weird about wanting to remain friends with her former sister-in-law because she thought she wasn’t supposed to.
The first special occasion I attended with my husband’s family was weird for me because his ex-wife was there and each of his siblings referred to her as their sister-in-law. I had all these thoughts about them sending me a message that I wasn’t welcome.
My client and I had both bought into the common belief that once you divorce, you’re expected to divorce the entire family and might even declare them enemies.
What I’ve come to realize and teach is that the common belief is WRONG. Each relationship you have is unique. Each relationship can grow, wither, and transform. Each relationship can do this independently of the others if you’re both willing to let it.
What all this means is that family occasions…
Read more: Special Occasions Can Still Be Special After You’re Divorced