Archive for July 2017
The Reality Of Life After Divorce May Not Be What You Think
Life after divorce isn’t all good or all bad. There’s a lot of life that’s between these extremes.
Divorce is complicated. And because it’s so complicated, people tend to focus on the worst-case and best-case scenarios when they think about the reality of life after divorce.
At one extreme, some assume that the truth of life post-divorce is misery and constant struggle. And there are ample examples of both men and women who struggle profoundly during and after their divorces.
Others assume that their reality of life after divorce will be immediate happiness and joy because they’ll be able to move on with their lives without their ex. There are also plenty of stories of men who quickly move on to new, happier relationships and women who feel liberated upon divorcing.
Like most things in life, I believe that the reality of life after divorce will be what you make of it.
When I look back at my own divorce, I first believed that my divorce was the best thing that could happen. I had felt trapped in a marriage that had become loveless and the thought of being free was intoxicating.
However, I also experienced a whole lot of post-divorce misery and struggle – in part because I thought I should feel bad and in part because I had a lot of personal growth to do.
When I look back at my experience and those of the hundreds of people I’ve worked with over the years who are happy with their reality of life after divorce, there are three phases of healing that every successful, divorced person works through:
- Grief
- Acceptance And Adjustment
- Moving On
Dealing with grief about the end of your marriage is tough. You have so very many things to say good-bye to that it’s common to feel depressed. This is the phase during which the misery usually happens.
Beginning to accept that the reality of life after divorce is different from life during marriage is another milestone on the path to becoming a happily divorced person.
The interesting thing about acceptance is that you can decide if things aren’t right for you and then you can begin making the necessary adjustments to change your life. This phase is when most people feel the struggle and begin to feel empowered.
The final phase is when your divorce no longer defines you. It’s just something that happened in your past and that you’ve learned a lot from.
So, you can see that successfully healing from divorce is a process. And because it’s a process it’s complicated.
At one moment, you may think that the reality of your life after divorce will be a life sentence of misery and struggle. And at another moment, you may think it will be sweet freedom.
Either way, what you’ll likely discover is that your life post-divorce will be exactly what you decide to make of it.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and a personal life coach helping people just like you who want support in changing their lives for the better. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
There’s more great information about moving on from divorce in Life After Divorce.
How Cheating Affects The Cheater
The one who was betrayed isn’t the only victim of cheating.
The betrayal of infidelity hurts. The cheater’s actions hurt the spouse who was betrayed, their children, their families, close friends, and even their community.
But these aren’t the only people infidelity hurts. Cheating hurts the cheater too.
You’re probably wondering how cheating could possibly hurt the one doing the betraying because they’re the one who is apparently doing what they want without caring how it impacts anyone else.
How cheating affects the cheater is profound. Her/his actions hurt them, their marriages, and all their other important relationships.
Despite the initial thrill of an affair, cheating can negatively affect the cheater emotionally. It’s common for them to feel anxiety, guilt, shame, worry, regret, confusion, embarrassment, and self-loathing when they contemplate how their actions impact those they love and why they cheated in the first place.
When he/she thinks about and experiences how their actions impact them they feel the sting and anguish of their poor judgment.
All of these thoughts swirling through their heads and the rollercoaster of their emotions can lead cheaters to live two completely different lives while the affair continues. One where they feel the addictive ecstasy of love and one where they feel hatred.
Of course, living these two polar-opposite lives puts extreme stress not only on themselves but on their marriage too. Her/his spouse may not have all the facts, but chances are good that they can tell there’s something going on.
Recommended Reading: Why Infidelity Is So Painful To The Betrayed Spouse
And when the spouse does discover the truth, they will feel pain to their core as they rightfully wonder what part of the relationship with their wayward spouse was real and what part was a lie.
As the betrayed spouse struggles to figure this out, they will lash out at the cheater both directly and indirectly as they come to terms with the betrayal. The cheater will feel the brunt of their anger and distrust which may become abusive.
Being on the receiving end of the pain their spouse is suffering because of the cheating can easily become too much for the straying spouse. At one extreme, he/she may deny their responsibility for causing the pain and blame their spouse for forcing them to cheat. At the other extreme, they may feel they deserve the punishment, accept it as just, and live out the rest of their lives as a mere shadow of their true selves.
Then again, their spouse isn’t the only person in their lives who will judge them. There are plenty of others in the cheater’s life who will look down upon him/her for their actions – in-laws, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers and even their children.
How cheating affects the cheater is complicated and painful.
If you’re considering betraying your spouse, my hope is this information has given you pause.
If you’ve already begun an affair, my hope is this information will give you the courage to begin thinking about the cost of your affair.
In either case, your marriage is in trouble and it’s time for you to get clear about what you’re willing to do to change your marriage for the better or to take the necessary steps to end it.
No matter how you look at it, the bottom line is cheating affects the cheater and all the important people in her/his life.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who want support in dealing with the pain of affairs and miserable marriages. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.