Archive for April 2018
15 Surviving Infidelity Quotes To Help You Heal
Whether you were betrayed, or you cheated, these surviving infidelity quotes can help you move past the pain.
Dealing with betrayal is very difficult because it triggers an avalanche of emotions for both of you.
If you cheated, chances are you’re wracked with guilt and confusion, yet yearning for your spouse’s forgiveness and love.
If you were betrayed, chances are you’re struggling with feeling insecure, unloved, and unwanted. You’re probably also wondering if you can ever truly trust your spouse again.
Whichever side of the infidelity you’re on, your emotions are running rampant because you and your marriage are facing a huge challenge – how to move forward. This is one of the most painful and confusing situations you’ll ever face.
In fact, sometimes the pain is so great that you can feel isolated and lost in it.
These 15 surviving infidelity quotes will help you find your way back from the fog of your confusion and pain, so you can move forward instead of remaining mired in the repercussions of the affair.
Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.
When a marriage is rocked by infidelity, both partners suffer. You’ll both feel a distinct difference between the logical facts of your situation and the emotions of it. Take the time to communicate with your spouse to start getting your heads and hearts back in alignment before making any big decisions.
Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf.
Dealing with grief is normal after an affair comes to light. Feeling fearful of the gigantic emotions of grief is fairly typical. Yet, if you can remember that after acknowledging your feelings, you can choose whether to stay in them at the moment they appear or let them pass, you’ll find your way through your grief about what the infidelity means to you a bit more easily.
Life is about trusting your feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories, learning from the past, and realizing people change.
Accepting and making sense of what’s happened is critical to you being able to survive infidelity. The infidelity doesn’t negate the good times you’ve had together or the love you felt and shared. It just means that things are different now.
It might mean that your love for each other can grow and change to encompass the fact that an affair occurred. Or it might mean that your love can’t.
Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.
Your self-esteem takes a beating when your spouse betrays you. It’s your belief that his/her actions are a direct reflection of who you are to your spouse that causes you so much pain. However, when you can remember that their actions are their own, then you can begin to reclaim your true value.
And if you’re the one who strayed, you may have cheated because you didn’t feel important to your spouse. You may have been searching for your value in the arms of another, instead of knowing your worth and talking with your spouse about your needs for connection with him/her.
On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% … and that’s pretty good.
You have always made it through your worst days before. You can find a way to survive infidelity too by just taking it one breath at a time.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
You can conquer anything you choose to. The challenge of an affair is just another life experience that you can overcome by choosing to let healing from it bring out the best in you despite how weak, hopeless, and alone you may feel right now.
Pain is certain, suffering is optional.
There’s no denying the excruciating pain of infidelity on the betrayed spouse. Yet, for straying spouses who want to heal and maintain their marriages, there’s also great pain.
However, you can choose how you will let the pain exist in your life. You can choose to let it take control and color the rest of your life in hurt. Or you can choose to experience the pain and do the work necessary to heal so the affair doesn’t haunt you for the rest of your life.
Infidelity is mentally, emotionally, and physically painful to the betrayed spouse. Be gentle with yourself as you heal.
~Dr. Karen Finn~
Because infidelity to so difficult and truly exhausting for a betrayed spouse to process, you must take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. This will include allowing yourself to grieve without wallowing, to get enough sleep, to eat healthy meals, to get enough exercise, and maybe even work with a helping professional to process the pain.
Dealing with the aftermath of infidelity is also exhausting for a straying spouse who wants to save their marriage. In addition to taking full responsibility for your choice of being unfaithful, you must also take good care of yourself because your other responsibility is to be there for your spouse.
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
No one is perfect – no matter how you viewed each other on your wedding day. Sometimes, by learning to continually accept and even forgive your spouse’s imperfections you can develop greater compassion and love.
Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.
This is the essence of what putting the past behind you is all about. When you are completely healed from the infidelity, it will just be a part of your history instead of overshadowing every facet of your life.
Forget enough to get over it. Remember enough so it doesn’t happen again.
Surviving infidelity doesn’t mean that you forgive and completely forget. It means that you do forgive, and you remember how you got to the place that the betrayal happened and then work to make sure you’re never in that place again.
Falling down is part of life. Getting back up is living.
You both have a part to play in the infidelity that has occurred. That may be shocking news to you if you’re the spouse who was betrayed, but it’s true.
Infidelity is an indication that there’s something wrong with the marriage. And if there’s a problem with a marriage both spouses are responsible.
The truth of this quote is that everyone makes mistakes. And you need to learn from your mistakes so you can continue living your life instead of getting stuck in feeling the grief, guilt, and shame of them.
Every test in our life makes us bitter or better. Every problem come to break us or make us. The choice is ours whether we become victim or victor.
This beautiful quote is a reminder of the choice you have. The power of choice is the greatest power you possess because it will determine the outcome and quality of your life.
A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings.
When a spouse chooses to be unfaithful, they rock their marriage to the core if not break it entirely.
Whether you were unfaithful, or your spouse was, the infidelity will offer you each the opportunity to become stronger individually and maybe heal your relationship.
The best apology is changed behavior.
You might assume that this quote only applies to the straying spouse. It absolutely does apply to them, but it also applies to the betrayed (unless abuse was/is part of the betrayal dynamic).
You see, your marriage was broken and you both have a part to play in it breaking. Changed behavior is the only way each of you will truly be able to apologize to each other and to yourselves for what has happened.
These 15 surviving infidelity quotes are just a springboard for your healing and finding your way back from the fog of confusion and pain. Hopefully, you’ve found a quote or two that really speaks to you and gives you a sense of comfort, a renewed sense of determination, or simply hope that you will get through this and feel better.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach who helps people just like you who want support in dealing with the pain of infidelity. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about dealing with unfaithfulness? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Surviving Infidelity.
How To Get Through Grief After A Divorce
Healing from your divorce will teach you a lot about yourself – if you’re willing to learn.
It doesn’t matter which side of the divorce decision you’re on or the reason for the decision. The end of a marriage that began with dreams of happily ever after is heartbreaking.
It’s OK to experience grief after a divorce.
Grief after a divorce is profound because the end of your marriage means your entire life must change – whether you want it to or not.
Grief is also incredibly confusing. One minute you’re feeling hopeful about making a new life for yourself. And the next you’re crushed by the fact that your old way of living is over for good.
Of course, you’re also faced with uncertainty about how you’ll cope with creating new rituals and routines, so your life (and the lives of your children) can run smoothly.
You’re shouldering expanded responsibilities now that you’re on your own. And even having to learn how to do new things so your life can move forward in some fashion instead of simply falling apart.
Divorce means that your relationships change too – all of them. Obviously, your relationship with your former spouse changes. But so do your relationships with your children, your former in-laws, your extended family and even your friends.
All of this forced change is exhausting, overwhelming and extremely depressing.
Yet all of this confusion and upset is a normal part of grief after a divorce.
What is grief after a divorce really like?
At its core, grief is a process of transformation. It’s about accepting the full depth and breadth of all that comes with getting divorced. As you come to terms with what’s happened, you can work through the pain to make space for healing. This sets the stage for you to be able to create a new life for yourself.
And the strange thing is that you must want to create a new future for yourself in order to heal.
This seeming back and forth of the transformation brought about by grief is pretty typical. That’s because grief is a nonlinear process.
To make things a bit more complicated, grief is also unique for everyone and every situation. Even if you’ve grieved before or been divorced before, the grief you experience this time will be different. So, no one can tell you how long it will take you to heal from your divorce.
However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t signs you can watch for to know you’re making progress in your transformation.
It’s fairly common to experience six different types of emotions as you heal from grief after divorce.
- Shock and denial are powerful emotions that keep you from experiencing too much pain at once. Most associate them with the initial phases of divorce. However, it’s common to experience both shock and denial when you face any unpleasant or unwanted task or realization throughout your healing journey.
- Pain and fear are other feelings associated with a desire to cling to the past and a reluctance to move forward into the new and unknown life waiting for you.The interesting thing about these feelings is that you can use them as motivation. You can use your pain to motivate you toward healthy ways of feeling better. And you can use your fear to help you make plans and take steps that reduce the risk of your fears becoming reality.
- In all likelihood, you’ll experience some type of anger as you heal from your divorce. You may find yourself filled with rage about the situation you’re in. You may be frustrated with yourself for the part you played in the end of your marriage. You may be flat out angry at your ex for not being the person you want them to be.The great thing about anger is that it’s an energizing emotion. You can use your increased vigor to productively move your life forward. You might even use your anger energy to begin a new exercise routine or go back to school. The possibilities are endless.
- Guilt is another highly uncomfortable emotion you may experience during your divorce journey. It’s common to feel guilty for what you did or didn’t do as a way of attempting to make sense of your divorce.On the one hand having some guilt about your part in the end of your marriage is good. It means that you’re starting to take responsibility for what has happened instead of feeling like a victim.Taking responsibility for your own actions is empowering. However, taking responsibility for your ex’s actions is detrimental. This is the challenge of experiencing guilt. You must maintain awareness of what is your stuff and what isn’t.For the stuff that’s yours, you must forgive yourself and, if appropriate, make amends before absorbing the lesson from your poor behavior and moving on with your life.
- Experiencing situational depression is also common when you’re grieving the end of your marriage. This just means that the funk you’re in isn’t chronic. It’s due to your divorce. As you continue your journey toward healing, you’ll feel less sad and listless and more like yourself again.However, if your depression feels too intense or uncomfortable, immediately consult with your doctor.
- Throughout your journey, you’ll begin noticing moments when your divorce and the changes you’re dealing with aren’t such a big deal. Things will feel alright. Definitely different, but alright. This is how you know you’re putting bits of your grief behind you.
This list of six common emotions of grief after a divorce can be misleading.
It can seem like you’ll move from one emotion to the next and be done with your grief.
The truth is grief after divorce is tumultuous. Your emotions will twist and turn. Many people describe the experience as an emotional rollercoaster.
You won’t feel like yourself. You will yearn to feel “normal” again. You may even wonder if you’re still sane because of all the unfamiliar emotions and thoughts you’re having.
And all of this is the grief experience. It’s a lot to go through. And unfortunately, some people do get stuck in grief after a divorce.
However, that’s not how it has to be for you. You can fully complete your journey through grief and on to living a good life again.
Prepare for your grief work.
The first thing you must do is search for the best resources for you to help get through everything you’re facing.
You might consider reading books and blog posts, checking out quotes, movies and music to help you not only grapple with your grief, but inspire you to move forward.
You’ll also want to build a strong support network. One that’s filled with people who love you, can tell you the truth, and be there for you however long it takes for you to reclaim your life. Often the best people to do this are those who have themselves successfully healed from grief after a divorce.
Joining a divorce support group is a great way to find the support and community you need. The people in these groups are all on the same journey of wanting to heal from grief after a divorce. The camaraderie in these groups can help ease the intense feelings of loneliness and isolation that commonly accompany divorce.
Journaling is another great tool you can use to process your thoughts and feelings as you find your way back to feeling “normal” again. Scientific evidence shows that journaling provides benefits like helping you clarify your thoughts and feelings, reducing stress, solving problems more efficiently, and resolving disagreements.
How to process your grief.
After you have identified the first of your supportive resources, you’re prepared to begin working through your grief.
Knowing what grief is doesn’t really prep you for the up close and personal experience you’re having with it now. So, it’s important that you allow yourself to grieve without judgment. Judging your experience will just prolong your grief.
Instead, take the time to identify and acknowledge how you’re feeling even if your emotions and thoughts are rapidly changing. It’s by acknowledging what you’re going through that allows you to process it.
If you choose to instead ignore your thoughts and feelings, they’ll fester. They’ll also continue appearing – sometimes at inopportune or inappropriate times – until you deal with them.
As uncomfortable and unfamiliar as your thoughts and feelings are, it’s OK to have them.
Your brain is a problem-solving machine. And it’s trying to solve one of the biggest problems you’ve ever faced – grief after a divorce.
Because it’s trying so hard (and you’re probably not sleeping as well as you’d like), it’s throwing out every possible idea to help you feel better. And, frankly, some of the ideas are just horrible.
Then there’s an interesting connection between emotions and thoughts. It’s often a question of which came first an emotion or a thought.
So, as you’re going through your grief and not feeling like yourself, you’ll have strange thoughts. And as you have strange thoughts, you’ll have strange emotions.
With all of this going on, you’ll find that you may not be able to do things that used to come easily to you. It’s exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally to grieve. Judging your diminished capacity as you grieve will only trap you deeper in your pain.
Instead, allow yourself to express what you’re feeling. Cry. Rant. Howl. It’s OK to let it out. In fact, it’s therapeutic.
And if you’re concerned that you might get lost in uncontrollable grief, set yourself a timer. And know that when the timer sounds, you can blow your nose, wipe the remnants of your tears, and pack up what’s left of your grief until the next time you choose to express it.
But as you continue to rely on the resources you’ve gathered, the strangeness of your thoughts and emotions will subside. You’ll begin to feel more like you again.
You must also set the intention of wanting to feel better and move on. Setting an intention like this will help you to stay focused on moving toward acceptance and creating the life you want. It will also make it less likely you’ll get stuck in negative, destructive, or painful emotions.
The intention you set initially might be small, like I just want to get through this afternoon without crying. As you achieve each of your intentions, continue setting them to be a bit more ambitious. And soon you’ll begin hoping and dreaming of all the wonderful things you want to experience and have again.
As long as you’re breathing, there’s still hope.
This is when you can truly begin planning for and creating a new, fulfilling life for yourself.
Because grief is so exhausting, it will leave you physically and psychologically vulnerable.
So, you must take very good care of yourself to most easily weather your journey of healing.
Physically, dealing with grief after a divorce is much like dealing with an illness like walking pneumonia. You’ll want to get plenty of rest, decrease unnecessary stress, drink plenty of water, eat healthy meals, and even decrease your workload if possible.
You’ll also want to nurture yourself daily by doing things that calm and soothe you. Consider spending time outside in nature, listening to music, meditation, getting a massage, watching your favorite movie, or reading your favorite book.
When you feel up to it, you’ll want to start exercising. Exercising, even going for a walk, can help you start dissipating troubling emotions like anger and sadness.
Learning how to truly care for yourself physically is one of the best lessons you can learn from your divorce.
Grieving takes time, so the gentler you are with yourself while you’re recovering, the easier time you’ll have getting through it. However, that doesn’t mean you should cloister yourself. You’re not contagious.
To help yourself recharge, spend as much face-to-face time as you can with those people who will go the distance with you, who support, energize and value you without judgment, criticism or directives. In other words, use your support group and reach out to a therapist or coach for extra help if you need it.
Pay attention to what you need. And speak up to express your needs even if others (including your friends or your ex) want something different. This is important because it’s a way to honor yourself and become more empowered.
Oftentimes, paying attention to what you need means saying “no” to someone else. You might find denying someone what they’re requesting of you an uncomfortable or guilt-ridden experience. But, if doing what they request isn’t in alignment with what you need and you’re not just being difficult, then you must say “no” to honor yourself.
As you heal more and more from your grief, you’ll want to broaden your social circle and begin building new friendships. Some of the ways you can find interesting people are by joining divorce support groups, networking groups, or Meetup groups. Taking a class, getting involved in your community and volunteering are other great opportunities for meeting people with similar interests.
You can also help yourself to psychologically get through your grief by developing a daily routine. The sooner you can develop a sense of structure and normalcy, the more comfortable your life will seem because you’ll have stopped at least some of the turmoil your divorce has created.
With the bolstering effect of the external support, you’ll be more effective at doing the internal work of healing from grief after a divorce. And this internal work is best done by being willing to learn and grow from your experience.
How to learn and grow from your divorce experience.
The hardest part of grief is coming to terms with the part you played in the end of your marriage. But when you do, you’ll have learned from your mistakes and be less likely to repeat them in the future. And it’s through this learning and growth that you’ll be able to confidently move on to the next phase of your life.
HelpGuide.org suggests asking yourself these questions to help you understand how the choices you made impacted your marriage:
- Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of your marriage?
- Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes?
- Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
- Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
- Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in charge of your feelings, or are they in charge of you?
Whatever your answers are to these questions, be willing to forgive yourself for your part in the end of your marriage. You can’t change the past. You can only learn from it.
Don’t get stuck in your grief.
Even though you take care of yourself physically and psychologically as you’re dealing with your grief, you can still get stuck along the way. Some of the most common ways people derail their healing after divorce are:
- Rationalizing their grief away by saying/thinking things like “I wanted it” or “S/he cheated”
- Pretending they’re OK, when they’re not
- Wallowing in self-pity
- Replacing the lost relationship with a new one to avoid the pain
- Making major decisions that aren’t legally required before they are less emotional and can think clearly
- Using alcohol, food, drugs and/or sex to cope
- Believing that the time they were married was wasted
- Going through their grief alone
The truth is healing from grief after a divorce is a process. It can’t be hurried or side-stepped.
Your grief will take as long as you need it to take. No one can tell you how long that will be, but you can certainly help yourself to get through it as thoroughly and completely as possible by following these recommendations.
You owe it to yourself to heal your broken heart and the only way to completely heal it is to work through your grief, and discover a new happily ever after for yourself regardless of whether you ever marry again.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach who helps people just like you who want support in healing from divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.