Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
What To Do If You Find Yourself Saying, “I Hate My Life After Divorce”
It’s possible to have a great tomorrow even if today your life after divorce sucks.
Perhaps you wanted your divorce. Perhaps not. Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps not. But if you are thinking, “I hate my life after divorce,” something has to change. Divorce may be an unexpected reality in your life, but it doesn’t have to be your life’s demise.
Let’s start with some validation — because if you’re reading this, you are probably in some pain and looking for answers.
Divorce is gut-wrenching. It’s the consummate reversal of things hoped for, things dreamed of, things promised. It rearranges every corner of your life.
It can add therapy bills to your expenses and divide your personal and material assets in ways you couldn’t have imagined. You see your children half as much, your self-esteem takes a hit, and the future can seem non-existent.
Quite frankly, it sucks. And it’s no wonder you’re saying, “I hate my life after divorce.”
But it doesn’t have to stay that way. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not that train you’re feeling chased by at the moment.
If you find yourself stuck in the pain of your divorce, two reasons may be to blame. You may be having difficulty accepting your “new normal,” and you may still be reeling from the acute pain.
Either way, your ability to triumph and transform relies on your imminent ability to accept. You will never be able to work with something that you’re still fighting.
Shifting from “I hate my life after divorce” to “my life is better than ever” will happen through a progression of your own efforts. And those efforts will have to be made both in your thinking and in your actions.
Here are several ways to shift your post-divorce life and thinking from negative to positive. If it feels like too much to embrace all at once, start with a few that you know you can work on. The idea is to keep your life moving forward, not to lament where you’re currently stuck.
- Don’t let the grief scare you. And don’t let it define you.
The chaotic toss-up of grief-based emotions is inevitable. Feel free to give them all a proper name – anger, sadness, despair, hurt, etc. Doing so might help you recognize them when they show up…and lead them to the door when their welcome is over.The important thing is that you recognize grief as an experiential journey that is essential to closure, forgiveness and healing. Pretending that you are “above” the sadness, anger and bargaining-with-God will only delay the acceptance that is your life’s turning point - Focus on today.And yes, that can feel impossible. Life as you know it has been put on a high-agitation, extra-spin cycle. And you’re expected to “focus on today?” As much as possible, yes.
Every time you say to yourself, “I hate my life after divorce,” you give energy to a relationship and life that no longer exist.Does that mean you’re never supposed to think about your marriage and your ex again? Of course not. It does mean that you have to be your own advocate and cheerleader.
You don’t have to have all the answers for tomorrow. But you can’t languish in yesterday, either. At the very least, put a time limit on your trips to the land of “what was.” Your goal is to start building in the land of “what is.”
- Shift your attention away from your ex. Every time you start ruminating, blaming and litigating in your mind or conversations, you give away your power. “Yeah, but he’s the one who…” “She never…” “S/he always…”Not only does this displacement of energy keep you from focusing on today, it keeps you from focusing on you. And like it or not, you are the one who is now lead designer of your life.
You are not a victim. You are a leader. And that’s the posture you need to assume. Save your energy for the journey ahead, and stop giving it away to the person who has his/her own work to do.
- Choose healing over hanging on. If you were going to save your marriage, you and your ex would have made the effort before divorcing. Fantasizing about a reconciliation as an escape from I-hate-my-life-after-divorce thinking takes you out of reality and prolongs the agony.Sure, there are cases in which divorced couples reunite. But even in those super-rare cases, a lot of healing has to happen first. Focus on healing, growing, evolving. And give your ex space to do the same.
- Take really good care of yourself. How would you treat your best friend if s/he were going through something awful? Wouldn’t you put loving thought and intention into helping this person you care so much about?Perhaps one of the negatives of your marriage was that it made you forget your friendship with yourself. Perhaps you were always consumed with caring for others, and quietly came to forget your own value and need for care.
The beauty of this time — yes, there is beauty in the midst of this pain — is that you get to focus on you. Think that sounds silly? Difficult? Self-centered? Impossible? Think again.
Not only is self-care possible and legitimate, it’ also essential. Think of yourself in the third-person until the idea of self-priority feels second-nature.
And if you still struggle to be self-nurturing, do it for your children…or faithful pets…or whoever relies on you for their own well-being.
- Stop lying to yourself. It’s only natural to self-soothe with verbal strokes and little lies. Allow yourself a freebie every now and then, but be careful not to slip into a mindset of feel-good falsehoods.You don’t hate your ex and hope bad things happen to him/her. The divorce wasn’t all his/her fault — you played your own role in the dynamics of your marriage. Your life isn’t permanently messed up because of your ex.
And meeting someone new while you’re still smoldering is not going to put your life back together. (And it certainly won’t “show” your ex.)
- Try all kinds of stuff…that has nothing to do with dating. Try new foods, new exercise routines, new hiking paths. Take an ethnic cooking class. Learn a new language. Turn your empty dining room into an art studio and get crafty. Volunteer. Join some Meetup groups. Just stretch out of your current very uncomfortable comfort zone.
- Earn your degree.
In “Life,” that is. Get busy reading, listening to TED Talks, attending free seminars and workshops.Your divorce is now a “fact” of your life. But it doesn’t have to mark the end of your learning. To the contrary, this can be the most vital time of self-growth and transformation.Finding a counselor or life coach to help keep you on-track and share the enthusiasm for your progress can be an indispensable gift to yourself.
Just make it your commitment to learn…about yourself, about communication, about relationships.
The fact that you take proactive steps to get out of an I-hate-my-life-after-divorce funk in no way invalidates your pain. It simply means that you “know” what you don’t “believe” right now: that your life is going to get better.
And the choices you make today — choices against the grain and in spite of the pain — will determine how great tomorrow will be. Focus on one positive step. And when you feel a little stronger, focus on two. Or three.
And no matter what, remember to focus on you.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people figure out how to have a better life after divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you want to learn more about working with me, you can schedule a 30-minute private consultation with me.
Looking for more information about having a great life after divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Life After Divorce.
7 Tips For Changing An Unhappy Marriage For The Better
These tips for changing an unhappy marriage will help you begin changing yours.
To begin changing an unhappy marriage is to welcome an avalanche of feelings, questions, disappointments, even fears. The admission is like the last finger sliding from your death-grip on a steep cliff, with nothing below to catch you.
OK, so that’s a bit dramatic. But to the person finally mouthing the words, “I’m in an unhappy marriage,” that scenario may not be too far from the truth. After all, marriages don’t just rocket out of the “happiness atmosphere” and into the black hole of despair overnight. They inch their way along with a little neglect here, some acrimony there, a veneer of denial everywhere….
If you’ve reached the point where denial is no longer an option, you may wonder if changing an unhappy marriage is possible. And if you have come to this conclusion of unhappiness alone, you may feel you are the keeper of a deep, dark secret.
It’s unlikely that one spouse is miserable while the other is basking in bliss. But it’s not unrealistic to expect that the two come to their recognition of an unhappy marriage in different ways, at different times.
The things that accumulate to damage a marriage can be the very things that delay changing an unhappy marriage. Tension, miscommunication, betrayal, disappointment, exhaustion, illness, financial stress — it can all sink its teeth into what once seemed invincible.
Sadly, not dealing with issues as they arise — and not having healthy skills for how to deal with them — can slowly erode your marriage.
So where does that leave you once you have come clean and acknowledged that you are, in fact, in an unhappy marriage? What are your choices? And where do you even begin?
Let’s start on a hopeful note and finish on a positive one. Being in an unhappy marriage does not mean you have written the final chapter and are left only with “The End.” There are steps you can take toward your own happiness and the betterment of your marriage.
If your marriage is important to you — even if it isn’t fulfilling any of your original dreams — stay positive. Assuming you are not involved in an abusive marriage, your spouse is probably quietly lamenting the evaporation of happiness in your marriage, too.
The irony of that mutual loss is that there is a mutual space in which to work on your marriage.
Here are 7 tips for changing an unhappy marriage for the better.
- Figure out the cause of your unhappiness.
The fact that you are married and unhappy doesn’t automatically convict your marriage. Take the time to really evaluate the cause of your unhappiness.Are there perhaps internal factors joining forces with external factors? Can you pinpoint a time of onset? What was going on at that time? What has happened since? What kinds of stressors have been in your life since that point? When were you happy? And what differences can you point to between that time and now?
Being specific is important not only for knowing how to solve a problem, but for communicating without globalizing or blaming. If your goal is to revitalize your marriage, knowing exactly what you are dealing with will be a veritable compass for mapping solutions.
- Stop causing further damage to your marriage.
Now. Just. Stop. Any behavior that contributes to an already large pool of negativity — just take your foot off the pedal and stop. Picking fights, emotional blackmail, sarcasm, blaming, victimizing, bad-mouthing — you can’t throw that train into reverse if you don’t stop it first.This also means eliminating the urge to “act out” on your negative feelings, regardless of what your spouse does. You may want to save your marriage, but you first have to take responsibility for your role in it.
- Talk with your spouse about your feelings.
“But that’s the problem! We don’t talk! And s/he won’t talk about feelings!”As you read through these helpful tips, you will likely run up against several that sound like a complete disavowing of your experience. How can you talk about feelings when communication is your problem?
It’s important to remember that you are the one reading this. You are the one who has decided that changing an unhappy marriage is a priority. It is therefore within your power to initiate that change.
You may come away feeling as though you have just poured your heart out to a brick wall. But you will have taken the first step. And by doing so, you will have given your spouse vital information that calls for his/her response in some form.
You can do only your part in the best way you can. And opening up the lines of vulnerable, honest conversation is essential.
Be careful not to blame, but to focus on your feelings. “I feel sad. I miss us. I’m afraid. I’m lonely. I feel angry when I am left doing all the housework alone. I feel unimportant. I feel unappreciated.” These are all ways of expressing unhappiness without assigning blame.
- Express your needs clearly — both of you.
Be clear about your needs — without blaming or demanding. Express the seriousness of the issues and the potential consequences if those needs aren’t met.A word of caution: This is not a green light to march in with a list of “If you don’t…I will….” No one should feel threatened. Rather, you should both come away with a reality check on the importance of your relationship and the individuals who hold it together.
Changing an unhappy marriage is about both of you having your needs acknowledged, valued, and met as much as possible. It’s also about meeting the needs of the relationship itself.
“This is important to me because….I need to feel valued….I need to have some time for my hobbies….” You will set the tone for communication by how you express your needs…and then ask for your partner’s needs.
- Let go of the need to always be right.
Having to be right all the time turns your marriage into a war zone. Someone always has to win, which means someone also has to lose. And that means one spouse is “up” while the other is “down.” And before you know it, your marriage is a “vertical” power struggle instead of a “horizontal” powerhouse.Issues like power and control-submission are at the heart of depression in relationships. No marriage can be healthy when one spouse is lording over the other.
- Be compassionate.
It can be so difficult to bite your tongue, let alone accept responsibility, when you’ve been stewing in anger and disappointment. But changing an unhappy marriage means stepping outside what has become your comfort zone. And that comfort zone may involve not being sensitive and compassionate toward the person you vowed to love and cherish.Having compassion isn’t about capitulation. You are working to get your feelings out into the common ground of your marriage. And it has to be safe for both of you to do that.
Compassion says, “I am here to learn about you more deeply and lovingly than I ever have. I am here to grow. I am here to learn more about myself, even as I learn more about you. I love you, and I want to understand you, me and us better so that we can have a great marriage.”
- Get a pro involved.
Why not? What do you have to lose by asking someone who deals with struggling marriages every day to help guide you? Finding an expert to help you learn how to communicate with one another in an elevated, mature way can be a huge asset.Assuming you are both committed to changing an unhappy marriage to a thriving marriage, the “education” will be available where you seek it.
If you are in an unhappy marriage, there is no need to throw up your hands or throw in the towel.
Relationships are organic — always changing, always presenting new opportunities for growth. That’s what makes them exciting…and the optimal place in which to struggle out of the cocoon that keeps you stuck.
Whether or not you are successful in changing an unhappy marriage for the better is ultimately up to you. You are the one acknowledging your awareness of an unhappy marriage. You are the one wondering what you can do.
No one can make a marriage work alone, of course. But you are the one poised to take the first step.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach helping people just like you who are looking for advice and support about changing an unhappy marriage. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in working with me personally, you can book an introductory 30-minute private coaching session with me.
Looking for more ideas for what to do about your unhappy marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
What To Do When Co-Parenting Doesn’t Work
When co-parenting doesn’t work, you can still raise happy, healthy children post-divorce.
When a divorce involves children, the most important considerations necessarily revolve around them. When co-parenting doesn’t work as a custodial solution, the priority of the children must still be maintained.
Given that children need and deserve to have a relationship with both parents, it makes sense that co-parenting would be the ideal arrangement. In a healthy co-parenting arrangement, the children, not the parents, are the focus.
Co-parenting expects parents to essentially “be on their best behavior” and practice healthy co-parenting. They have to communicate regularly, agree on fundamental child-rearing strategies and rules, and put the needs of the kids above their own.
As idyllic an arrangement as that sounds — short of being happily married — it’s not always possible.
Some couples simply aren’t ready or able to rise above their lingering negative emotions like anger, resentment and jealousy. Sometimes parenting philosophies and behaviors are starkly different. (Perhaps those differences even played a role in the divorce.) And sometimes two people are just flat-out incapable of collaboration.
Research shows that it’s not divorce itself that causes lasting harm to children. It’s being an audience to their parents’ destructive fighting that harms them. And that’s true whether their parents are married or divorced.
The damage affects the emotional, physical and social dimensions of the kids’ lives. And it follows them into adulthood, often thwarting their ability to have healthy relationships of their own.
What are your choices, then, when co-parenting doesn’t work and sole custody is out of the question? Is equal parenting still possible, but in a different way? And is it possible for your children to have an equal relationship with both parents without you and your ex having to interact?
When co-parenting doesn’t work because the risk of conflict is just too great, parenting has to be done without engaging. And, while that may not be the ideal parenting method, it is possible.
In parallel parenting, exes parent by disengaging. The goal is to reduce conflict and move forward with their lives while supporting their children’s right to relationships with both parents.
Children do better emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally and academically when they have positive bonds with both parents. When co-parenting doesn’t work because parents can’t communicate healthily, parallel parenting offers a way for kids to still have those essential bonds.
An often overlooked influence on the quality of parent-child attachments is the well-being of the parents. When a parent is threatened with the loss of his/her children, the risk of depression skyrockets for him/her. Finding a way to facilitate equal parenting benefits the well-being of both parents, which in turn benefits their relationships with their children.
Although parents in a parallel-parenting arrangement disengage from one another, they remain fully engaged with their children. They usually agree on major decisions regarding the upbringing of the children, but that’s it. They separately decide the day-to-day logistics, decisions and rules for the kids.
Because parallel parenting is predicated on disengagement, all communication between the parents is kept non-personal and business-like. All information shared is related to the kids, though the kids are never to be used as messengers.
In co-parenting, exes communicate openly and regularly — by phone, text, email and even face-to-face. In parallel parenting, the non-personal nature of the arrangement mandates a more contractual approach. Changes require a written agreement, and schedules are shared via a calendar or in writing.
The key to successful parallel parenting is letting go of trying to control the other parent.
That means not imposing your own expectations for rules and behaviors. If your ex allows playtime before homework, it’s essentially none of your business. You run your home your way, your ex runs his/her home his/her way.
The whole purpose of non-interference is fostering your children’s unrestricted ability to have a relationship with both parents. Even if you can’t prioritize your children by co-parenting, you can still prioritize them by not interfering when they are with your ex.
If you are more familiar with other custodial arrangements like co-parenting or primary guardianship, parallel parenting may sound cold. But remember that the motivation is to reduce stress, especially for the children. And equal-parenting arrangements lead to less stress and conflict than sole- or primary-custody arrangements.
This arrangement isn’t without its challenges, however. One of the downfalls is that frequent shifts between homes is tough on small kids. And older kids want more flexibility and independence, which can make a rigid, contractual arrangement difficult.
Logistically, a high degree of specificity is necessary in the initial plan. And the higher the conflict level between parents, the greater the need for structure and specificity.
A word of caution regarding parallel parenting when co-parenting doesn’t work: Couples exhibiting family violence are not good candidates for this arrangement. The very nature of this form of equal parenting makes it conducive to the secrecy and lack of personal accountability necessary for violence to occur.
The upside to parallel parenting is that, in time, two people formerly incapable of interacting may begin to restore trust. Assuming that both keep their end of the deal, there is hope that healing from the intense animosity and conflict can welcome in more collaborative parenting.
Until that time, however, parallel parenting facilitates co-parenting in high conflict situations. It allows children to feel a sense of security in an otherwise high-conflict family dynamic. That immunity to chronic, destructive fighting affords children of divorce better psychological adjustment going into adulthood.
Equal parenting reinforces the importance of both parents to the children’s lives. When co-parenting isn’t an option (at least in the present), parallel parenting can be a viable alternative that benefits both children and their parents.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people navigate parenting post-divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step to working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule a private introductory session.
Looking for more information about dealing with parenting after divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Co-Parenting.
How To Get Over An Affair Your Husband Had And Make Your Marriage Work
It won’t be easy, but you can get past this and create a better marriage together.
How do you get past this? Knowing how to get over an affair your husband had when you can’t even breathe — it feels impossible. How can you even want to stay with him? And how do you imagine life without him?
Affairs aren’t the exclusive scarlet letter of the immoral and heartless. They happen with and to all kinds of people…and to all kinds of marriages. They may be thoughtless, selfish and seemingly heartless in terms of damage done. But they are not necessarily the choice of those incapable of love and commitment.
And that can make your decision of whether and how to get over an affair your husband had and make your marriage work all the more difficult.
It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that, if your husband has an affair, he is choosing the “other woman” over you. It’s only natural to assume that he wants her more than he wants you. And therein lies the sting that causes your self-esteem, self-worth and dreams to implode.
People may think they know how they would act in response to learning of a spouse’s affair. But the truth is, every affair is as unique as the marriage it has quaked and all the individuals involved. Often there is a long history together. There may be young children. Your professional lives may be intertwined. And damn it, against every angry fiber in your being, you may still love him.
Interestingly, the person who has an affair often isn’t motivated by a desire for a relationship with someone different. If your husband has done the unconscionable, he may very well be saying that he really just wants his relationship with you to be different.
And that — despite the ugliness and irresponsibility of his irreversible choice — is a message of hope.
Learning how to get over an affair your husband had in order to make your marriage work is an enormous commitment.
And when he’s the one who broke what you thought was an ironclad commitment, you may feel some resentment about the workload. Anyone in your shoes would.
It’s important to understand that all affairs happen for a reason. Those reasons are in no way excuses, but they are valuable pieces of information. And when your life feels like Dorothy uprooted in a Kansas tornado and dumped into a war zone, information like that can help lead you home. It can at least give you perspective, however gut-punching, into the daily “micro-infidelities” and unmet needs that led your husband to stray.
You may also come to discover your own unmet needs and discontents. And that means the two of you have a lot that has gone unsaid. And a lot that needs to be communicated if you are going to figure out how to get over an affair your husband had.
Both you and your husband will have to commit to a long journey of hard work in order to heal. And you will each and both have high-level tasks to tend to on a consistent basis.
Your husband will have to cut off all contact with the other person immediately and commit to consistent, painstaking transparency on your behalf. He will have to be completely honest in answering your questions, and will have to take full responsibility for the choice he made.
That doesn’t mean that he has to take responsibility for everything that has ever gone wrong (or ever will) in your marriage. He does, however, have to take responsibility for how he chose to deal with his uncommunicated thoughts, feelings and needs. And he will have to be sympathetic, loving and patient while you inch your way back to trusting him.
Your high-level tasks fall under the umbrella of being willing to put in the effort and energy…without wielding the sword of victimhood.
You, too, will have to be transparent — but about your thoughts and feelings. No matter how badly the fire of hurt and anger burn within you, your goal cannot be blame and punishment. Seeking revenge in your words and actions will only keep you in a state of anger (and eventual guilt). Your focus must be on mutual problem-solving if you truly want to heal.
While you’re working toward reconciliation with your husband, it’s especially important that you take good care of yourself. Emotions like shock, anger, devastation and grief can create a whole complex of physical reactions. You may have problems sleeping, problems with eating and digestion, and problems concentrating. And at no other time will the nourishment of your self-esteem be more important.
Both of you will have to commit to keeping the kids out of this very adult matter. That can be a tough promise for you to make, especially when they are so perceptive and you are so wounded.
Putting your marriage back together after an affair your husband had is tough enough without trying to wing it on your own. Seeking the help of a marriage/couples counselor can be an enormous help. You will be exploring some very challenging questions with painful answers, and the objective guidance of a therapist can help you both stay contained and focused on the “we.”
Some of the questions you will need answers to in order to go forward might include:
- Is the affair over, or just “on hold”?
- Is he genuinely regretful and remorseful?
- Do you both genuinely want the relationship for compatible reasons?
- Do you both want one another?
And finally, you are going to have to mutually explore the deep, perhaps long-rooted reasons that the affair became possible in the first place. Your inclination may be to fall back into the victim role and blame everything on your husband. But this is one of the most important efforts you will make to get past the betrayal.
Identifying the intensity and duration of unmet needs — for both of you — is your window of opportunity for growth. If you shrink from facing these truths, you will forfeit the opportunity to have what it is you have always wanted but never got.
Your task is to make this exploration safe. In your mind, you may be getting answers to why your husband shattered your marriage and family. But if you enter the process with a genuine desire to know one another, you will, without realizing it, build authentic intimacy.
And through this hard-won intimacy, you just may come to know one another for the first time. And that will be the starting point for creating a wonderful new marriage.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. If you have questions about how to get over an affair your husband had, I can help. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about the repercussions of cheating? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Surviving Infidelity.
How Infidelity Changes You Whether You’re The Betrayer Or Betrayed
Infidelity impacts you in profound ways regardless of which side of the betrayal you’re on.
Infidelity changes everything about a relationship. How could it not? But how infidelity changes you isn’t necessarily so sweeping and general, regardless of your role in the mess.
Dr. Jay Kent-Ferraro attempts to dispel the cliché myth that “once a cheater always a cheater.” Because of his experience — as a clinician and an unfaithful spouse — he makes the point that affairs are complex and always have a purpose to them.
By seeking to understand the reason and purpose behind an affair, both the betrayed and the betrayer can approach healing — and even redemption — with insight and wisdom.
And that’s true regardless of whether or not they stay together.
How infidelity changes you depends not only on who you and your spouse are heading into the affair, but who you are committed to becoming once the affair is exposed.
No matter what circumstances led to the affair, no one in its wake will be left unscathed. Yes, that goes for the cheater, too.
Again, there are always reasons — not excuses — and a purpose behind the unfaithful spouse’s choice to stray. But “once a cheater always a cheater” doesn’t have to be part of the aftermath.
If you have been betrayed by your spouse, you can probably imagine how infidelity changes you. You may already be living it.
If you are the betrayer, you may not have thought about the impact on your spouse and family. And you may not have even considered the lasting effects on your own life.
The effects of infidelity run the gamut from emotional to physical to neurological. The agony isn’t just in your head; it’s in your body.
Let’s first look at how infidelity changes you if you were betrayed.
- Your self-esteem and self-worth are shattered.
You wonder why you weren’t “good enough”…and why someone else was “better.” Because your self-esteem is destroyed, you start looking for ways that you caused your spouse to stray. Surely it must have been something you did (or didn’t do). - You feel stupid…and wonder how you didn’t see the affair.
- Trust is never quite the same again.
The affair is always in the back of your mind. And even if you stay together, trust isn’t as unencumbered and naturally given as it once was. - You’re afraid to love again.
The prospect of either falling in love again with someone else or staying with your spouse is frightening. You never want to give your power to someone again.Because you become afraid to let your guard down, the world becomes a less happy and promising place in which to live. Holding onto the notion of love is a challenge because you now associate it with unbearable pain.
- Your brain takes a beating.
Neuroscience has shown that the rejection from infidelity has both short- and long-term consequences to brain chemistry. Because love is actually as addictive to the brain as cocaine, being cut off by the dagger of infidelity impacts the addictive neural pathways in similar ways. - You physically hurt.
Referring to the same neuroscience, breakups and betrayals activate parts of the brain that respond to physical discomfort. The emotional experience becomes integrated into the physical experience, and you hurt…everywhere. - You can’t stop obsessing.
Women are especially prone to rumination, constantly replaying all the possible causes, scenarios and consequences of the affair. They are also more inclined than men to feel somehow responsible for a spouse’s infidelity. - Your eyes are opened.
Despite how infidelity changes you negatively, it also affords you clarity after the shock and anger are mitigated. You begin to see what you may have ignored, and learn how you make choices in mates. This allows you to make better choices if and when the time comes to trust again.
Now let’s look at effects of infidelity on the spouse who is the betrayer.
- Humiliation.At some point, most, if not all of the people in your life catch on to what is happening. You have failed to protect and defend the very values you swore to honor, and everyone knows. Even people who don’t know you seem to know. And God forbid the news hits social media.
- Your spouse has permanent ammunition against you.No matter your reasons for straying or your efforts toward penance, you will always be “the one who cheated.” Your spouse may use that sin as a dumping ground for everything involving blame, anger, judgment and abuse.
- Your children may blame you.
Children will not know how to properly process their fears and sense of loss without professional help, especially if they know something damning about one or both parents. Even as adults, they may reach back and blame you for their own choices or unfulfilled lives. - You can’t trust others to be loyal to you.
As you try to balance your ability to cheat on your spouse against what you know to be a personal core of goodness, you have to face the irony. If you are capable of doing something so unthinkable, what’s to keep someone else from doing the same to you? - Everything you do is questioned.
You know you can’t blame your spouse for not trusting you, but you also can’t live forever under a microscope. Short of having a spouse-appointed chaperone, you will always have the company of “who, what, where, when and why.”If you and your spouse decide to work on your marriage, you will have to be painfully, humbly transparent while your spouse inches toward a new kind of trust. And that means answering a lot of questions.
- You lose credibility.
You may do a lot of soul-searching to answer for your infidelity and take responsibility for it; but there will always be those who resort to the “once a cheater always a cheater” conclusion. - Your confidence may get a boost.
During the affair, that is. After all, neuroscience reminds us that people who are addicted are seeking a dopamine rush. And settling into a long marriage isn’t known for those feel-good jolts.An affair, on the other hand, can reawaken the confidence that comes from a dopamine rush. As with an addiction, however, that confidence can easily come crashing down in a pile of guilt. And that guilt can play a huge role in your attitudes and behaviors going forward.
The ultimate decision about how infidelity changes you is, of course, up to you. There are plenty of individuals and marriages that heal to be stronger and more vital than they were before an infidelity.
That’s not to say, obviously, that infidelity is a viable consideration for marital improvement and personal growth. But recognizing the many ways that infidelity can change you can help both spouses in the painful aftermath of an affair.
And, hopefully, having the awareness up front will take the consideration of infidelity off the table altogether.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I can help you understand more about how infidelity changes you so you can move forward with your life. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about the repercussions of cheating? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Surviving Infidelity.
7 Things You Must Know About Healing After A Divorce Or Breakup
By keeping these truths about healing after a divorce or breakup in mind, you can heal more quickly.
It may sound trite to say that “no two relationships are alike,” but it’s true. And in the context of healing after a divorce or breakup, the maxim is just as germane.
Give a canvas, paints and brushes to all the students in an art class and tell them to render the same model. Even with the same instruction, the visual interpretations will be as unique as the artists themselves.
And so it is with giving relationship advice. The “experts” can give insight, objective observations, suggestions — even relevant scientific data. But how you absorb and apply the counsel will be as unique as you are – especially if you’re struggling with feeling unlovable, lost and discouraged.
When healing after a divorce or breakup, it’s important to remember the unique, non-duplicatable nature of yourself and the relationship you’ve just left.
What may work seamlessly for helping one person heal may create a tangled mess for another. And one person may have a remarkable ability to move on and into a new relationship while another may embark on an unforeseen journey as a happy single.
One piece of sound advice is not to allow yourself to get swept up into myths and formulas about healing after a divorce or breakup. Rocket science couldn’t possibly control for all the variables that influence a human life, let alone a relationship. And it certainly couldn’t create a fail-proof formula for healing in its aftermath. Neither can the “experts.”
So give yourself a break, and know that the information provided here is intended to inspire your healing process as much as guide it. Only you can decide how much you reflect upon it, return to it and implement it.
Your relationship, in both its positive and negative qualities, existed to teach you and your partner essential lessons for your lives on earth.
It was the forum for wrestling with unresolved issues and restless demons, while pioneering a future as a blended endeavor.
Your break-up and healing exist to teach you essential lessons, as well. And those lessons will continue to help you pioneer a life as unique as you.
At any and every point in your healing process, you have the choice to search for and hopefully find peace and growth within your loss. These tips can help you do that.
Below are 7 important things to know about healing after a divorce or breakup:
- Healing takes time and patience.
Take the formulas for how long it takes to heal from a divorce or breakup with a grain of salt. At best, consider them with relativity.The important thing to remember is that grief work is not It simply isn’t. While there are several identifiable stages of grief, they are rarely if ever navigated in order, in isolation, or in a fixed amount of time.
Be kind to yourself, and be as patient with the questions and misgivings that come up during your healing journey as you are with the moments of clarity.
- Relationships have a profound impact on your self-concept.
By the time you enter a relationship, you already have a lifetime of relationships that have shaped your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. When you enter into a committed love relationship, you essentially carry all those relationships to the altar with you, as does your partner with his/her relationships.Think about all the influences on who you are! And now you are committing all of that to one lifetime relationship that will not only shape who you are, but influence the direction of your life.
So it makes sense that as you heal from your divorce or breakup that you may feel like you’re losing a part of yourself. Yet working through this loss is actually how you’ll be able to find yourself again.
- Breakups involve unraveling.
Because you committed yourselves to a unified life, you were naturally “woven together” in your marriage or committed relationship. A breakup, therefore, involves an unraveling of your lives so that you can go forward independently.Cognitively that makes sense. But emotionally it can be devastating and fraught with confusion and disorientation. You’ll probably ask yourself questions like:
Who am I without her/him?
Who was I before?
Who would I be today if I hadn’t met my ex?
How do I define myself?
How much of my ex’s influence on my life should I hold onto?
- Relationships don’t fully end; they just change.
Your ex may be physically out of your life — perhaps partially, perhaps totally — but you will never be the same ‘you’ had s/he not been in your life. You will be forever impacted by your relationship — just as you are by your family of origin — because you livedHowever, you have the power to write your future from the lessons and wisdom gained during your time together.
- Reflection and talking can strengthen your recovery.
Self-concept reorganization is the process of rebuilding and strengthening the sense of self, independent of a relationship. Research into this healing process has shown that those who reflect more on the relationship and its breakup (9 weeks in the study) have a stronger recovery than those who take a more cursory, non-reflective approach.The benefits of talking about the relationship and breakup, even repetitively, include gaining different perspectives and insight with distance. Talking will also help you to construct a story of the relationship that will give meaning to the experience through all its stages. It’s like talking into your own truth.
No, it’s not about blaming. It’s about reframing. And by sharing the talking process with a caring friend or family member, therapist or coach you are more likely to understand your story from a position of empowerment instead of weakness.
- Understanding your relationship fears can help you heal.
Most relationship issues have some kind of fear buried in them. What comes across as being unreasonable, paranoid, aloof, etc. may really be rooted in fears of abandonment and/or rejection.You may not be able to discern those possibilities for your ex, but you certainly can — and should — for yourself. By courageously looking at your own behaviors and reflecting upon their emotional triggers, you can take steps toward allaying those demons before they do more damage in your life.
- Forgiveness is huge.
The practice of forgiveness is ongoing. It’s not an over-and-out mic drop that erases the past in a dramatic moment of reconciliation. It’s a method of meeting its antagonist in the moment and saying, “You no longer have power over me. I am releasing you so that I can move forward in my life.”
Yes, you can speak it to a person who has hurt you. But more often than not, when you’re healing after a divorce or breakup, forgiveness will be practiced within your heart. And it’s as important that you extend it to yourself as toward your ex.
You are the only one who directly knows if and when you choose to forgive. But consider the way energy shifts within a person who has made that choice. There’s a greater ease and peace that occur.And the wonderful thing is that the shift is felt, even unconsciously, by everyone in that person’s life.
Going through a divorce or breakup can feel like a completely loveless time. You lose the love for/from/with your partner, you don’t feel much love for yourself, and you wonder if you will ever be loved again. You may not even want to be around people because you feel so lost, discouraged, and devoid of anything to offer.
By acknowledging the uniqueness of yourself and your relationship, and by not being sworn to any “absolutes” for healing, you can turn this loveless, painful time into intentional growth and eventual peace.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. If you would like additional help healing after a divorce or breakup, I can help. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more information about healing after a divorce or breakup? Check out the other articles in Healing After Divorce.
7 Strategies For Saving An Unhappy Marriage
Saving an unhappy marriage takes tremendous commit & a willingness to work hard on your own issues.
The bliss of “dating/engagement/wedding” is hardly a trustworthy predictor of a marriage’s success post-Honeymoon Phase. Saving an unhappy marriage may not be on a wedding-day radar, but it sometimes becomes the unexpected goal not too far into the marriage.
Anyone who has ever aspired to grow-old-together love has witnessed at least one iconic couple so interwoven at a soul level that the partners are veritably “one.” They speak and move in unison, respond with impeccable timing, and somehow, inexplicably, look alike.
The deeply-entrenched love of elderly couples who have been together almost their entire lives can be so inextricable that the spouses can’t live without one another. Literally. The stories of spouses dying within months, weeks, even hours of one another are so poignantly common that they have their own name: the widowhood effect.
Whether these beacons of hope are grandparents, friends or movie characters, their mastery of commitment gives witnesses pause to consider their “tricks.”
Were they always this happy? Did they ever fall on tough times? Did they ever get bored or angry with one another? And did they ever have to worry about saving an unhappy marriage?
Relationships are organic in the sense that they are always in motion. Even stagnancy bears an undertow of change. Love relationships course through different forms of love. Many are to be expected – the giddy stage of romance, the power-struggle stage, the sunset years.
Most couples, however, commit during the romantic stage of love when they are marinating in matchmaking brain chemicals and hormones. They see all that is perfect and possible, and brush off the negatives like dandruff off a shoulder.
Give them a couple years, however, and that chemistry starts to wane. Suddenly reality sets in, and, even if the spouses aren’t incompatible, they don’t “recognize” their relationship. It doesn’t look or feel as it did early in their relationship.
They have power struggles, and the discomfort is often mistaken for unhappiness and/or boredom. They fight to “get back to where they once were” instead of embracing the course of love and working together to keep it vital.
Suddenly they are second-guessing their decision to marry and wondering if it is worth saving an unhappy marriage. Because they don’t recognize where they are in their relationship, they may be convinced there is nothing to do to save the marriage. And not having the “feeling of being in love” can cast a dread on the prospect of working on their commitment.
Some couples, of course, allow years to go by while negative emotions fester and morph into contempt, criticism and defensiveness. According to marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years before seeking help for their issues. Perhaps one or both partners believes they shouldn’t (or don’t) need help at all.
So the big question is: Is saving an unhappy marriage possible? And if so, how?
The answer is a cautious “yes.” The caution is because the success of saving a marriage is contingent on the commitment of the partners to…well…save their commitment. Surprisingly, if even one person in the relationship is committed to growth, change and working together, there can be great hope for the marriage.
Here are 7 strategies for saving an unhappy marriage:
- Seek help early.
Don’t wait for those negative emotions and behaviors to take root. It is far easier to guide couples in developing compassionate communication skills than it is to untangle resentment that has had plenty of time to deepen. - Learn to listen.
This is so important no matter how silly it sounds. It is so easy when falling in love to hear what you want to hear, and to move forward in the spirit of everything being rosy.But too often people don’t know how to truly listen – to themselves or to their spouses. They get lost in blame and a need to be right, and fail to hear with their hearts.
Everyone has triggers, fears, and painful memories. By learning to communicate those deeper realities with responsible expression and compassionate reception, intimacy and love grow. Too many relationships are lost simply because people don’t feel heard.
- Prioritize your marriage.Saving an unhappy marriage takes work. And making that investment can seem like a contradiction in terms if one or both of you is really. But if you are committed to making your marriage work, you will need to infuse it with dedicated time and energy. Even ten minutes a day that are completely devoted to emotionally connecting with your spouse can work wonders. Remember the power of listening discussed above.
- Replace the “divorce” mindset with a “marriage” mindset.
This is a decision that you are going to choose your thoughts.Remember that you didn’t get to this place overnight, and you’re not going to get out of it overnight, either. Take the time to rediscover the reasons you got married in the first place. And repeat them and expand on them…over and over. As you work from this commitment mindset, you will likely discover new reasons to add to the list.
- Work on yourself with no expectations of your spouse.
Yes, the objective here is for both spouses to be committed to the recovery of the marriage. But your work can’t be contingent on your spouse’s. That may seem like a big risk – and it is. “What if I do xyz, and s/he doesn’t do her/his part?” Yep. Could happen. Or maybe you won’t both evolve or “get it” at the same time.But if the character and behavior traits you are working on are all positive traits, how can you lose? And if you start growing and demonstrating the results, your spouse may take notice and begin to change, as well. Either way…do your own work.
- Take responsibility.
This can be so difficult, especially if your spouse has done something that you believe is more egregious than anything you have done. But relationships are always a common ground where two people come to work out their lives by learning, struggling and growing.There is always responsibility on both sides. Owning up to yours will help to diffuse defensiveness on the other side while sharpening your self-awareness and -accountability. That goes for the little things as well as the big things.
- Be transparent and accountable.
Leave your pride at the door. Transparency and accountability require self-reflection and an examination of your thoughts, behaviors and intentions. There is no room for convenient omissions of details and information.Your goal needs to be bringing you and your spouse onto the same page. Your intentions, therefore, need to be pure and for the good of the relationship. Your personal commitment to this – especially if you have violated your spouse’s trust – will speak volumes about your commitment to the good of your relationship going forward.
Saving an unhappy marriage is a commitment to a lot of hard work. But assuming that the marriage is not abusive and you can still see through the clouds of misery to the memory of loving light coming through, there is hope.
Seeking help for saving an unhappy marriage can help define areas that need work, while giving you tools for working on them. It’s amazing how the “impossible” becomes “possible” when problems are identified and a plan of action is made to overcome them.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach helping people just like you who are looking for advice and support about how best to handle an unhappy marriage. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more ideas for what to do about your unhappy marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
How To Get Over A Divorce After A Long Marriage
These 8 suggestions will help you discover how to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
After being married for a while, it’s natural to begin identifying yourself in the context of marriage and family. So, knowing how to get over a divorce after a long marriage would therefore be as unnatural as forgetting your role as wife, mother, husband, father.
If you have been married long enough to start celebrating your precious-metal anniversaries, you may be part of the “gray divorce revolution.” Even if you are still on the road to 25, being married long enough to raise children to adulthood will make a divorce feel much the same as a gray divorce.
According to Pew Research Center, divorce rates from 1990-2015 showed a surprising age-dependent trend. While the divorce rates declined among those 25-39 (-21%), and slightly increased (+14%) for those 40-49, it more than doubled (109%) for those over 50, and tripled for those over 65.
Even though the rate of divorce is still almost twice as high for those under 50 as for those 50 and over, the trend is alarming, if not interestingly revealing.
Sometimes gray divorce is the result of empty nest syndrome. Sometimes it falls to indiscretion by one or both partners. Sometimes it is just a reflection of the easy access to and social acceptance of divorce.
Whatever impetus pulls the plug, knowing how to get over a divorce after a long marriage is rarely as easy as signing away the union.
Especially for those who are shell-shocked by a partner’s decision to divorce late in the marriage, the loss can feel like a death. And the depth of pain, anger and bitterness can both come as a surprise and stunt the healing process.
If you find yourself in this growing population of those divorcing later in life, you may feel empty, confused, and even needy. It’s only natural to hunger to feel loved and wanted again.
It’s also natural to feel overwhelmed by the new pragmatics of your life — financial, professional, custodial, residential.
If you are wondering how to get over a divorce after a long marriage, consider the following practical and emotionally-targeted suggestions:
- Don’t spend your energy on blame.
Not toward yourself, and not even toward your ex. There can be a fine line between “responsibility” and “blame,” but only one of them carries the potential for growth. Think about what led to the divorce, including your role in it. But don’t allow blame to consume you. - Remember that you are not alone.
Boy, at times you’ll be convinced you’re nothing but alone! The better part of your life has been spent melding into a oneness with someone who is no longer there. You may wonder if your friends and acquaintances love you as “you,” or you as “married you.”But pause and consider that your ex is not the only one who has claimed love for you. And some of those people carry the unconditional, “forever” kind of love.
Some may also even cherish the opportunity to reconnect with you on terms not dependent on your ex’s limitations. Seek them out. Let them in. “Alone time” doesn’t have to equal “being alone.”
- Build a loving circle around your heart.
If your social life doesn’t embrace and support your new life with compassion and sensitivity, step away from it.Facebook and other social media can be more damning than kind, so don’t be afraid to hit “delete” or at least “pause.” The last thing you need is to have your face rubbed in all the anniversary and Valentine’s Day wish-wash of your seemingly no-problems Facebook friends.
- Let the real you shine through.
Remember who you are. You, not “you-+-one.”You may be long past being the kid you were in college or when you first married, but there are indelible treasures that have always defined you. Reconnecting with that constancy can be a great emotional security. It can also help teach you how to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
Knowing that the best of who you have always been is still there is like having an automatic best friend in your corner.
- Minimize.While divorce is, by its very nature, a sort of minimizing, clinging to everything you can may work against you. One of the bravest actions you can take is to let go of things that keep you steeped in painful memories and old habits.Leaving a home that you bought or built together can feel like leaving your heart on the curb. But remaining in it will likely prevent you from fully moving on.
Physically downsizing is one of the best tangible exercises in clearing room for your life and heart to be filled again…in ways you choose to fill them. Dare to go small for a while. More “stuff” just means more clutter. More space just means more cleaning. Your focus needs to be on healing. You’ll thank yourself, trust me.
- Get real about your finances.
Even before the divorce, it is imperative that you have a thorough and detailed grip on your assets and debts. What used to fund one household now has to fund two, and that may mean a return to the workforce. If you and your ex are already retired, you may be on a fixed income or living off investments.Frighteningly, gray-divorced women are disproportionately at risk of living in poverty. A financial advisor is a worthwhile investment prior to finalizing your divorce. A clear perspective, even with a tough swallow, will take one more potential surprise out of the picture and help you to move forward with clarity and direction.
- Consider a bold, new living arrangement.
An increasing percentage of baby boomers (those born between 1946 and 1964) are living as singles. Many chose not to marry, and many have divorced and chosen not to remarry. That means an evolving approach to living arrangements for the aging population.We all remember The Golden Girls, and women across their viewing audience have long held their progressive arrangement close to heart for future reference. And now there is a company that will actually help you create your own house-of-friendship. No surprise here, it is aptly called Golden Girls Network.
- Find your peeps.Join a group or two that draws you into your interests and out of your shell. It’s an ideal, invigorating way to feel loved and wanted without needing to re-enter the dating arena sooner than you are ready to.
Just as with grief, there is no two-point way to get over a divorce after a long marriage. You will likely feel “unidentified” for a while, and wonder how you ended up here and what is left to look forward to.
Adverse situations always call upon our choice of perspective to be our compass. Stepping out of a long marriage into a life of singlehood, a young workforce and an underfunded retirement account can sound terrifying. But it can also open countless doors to new adventures and a happier sense of self.
Step forward with faith and hope, and embrace the grace of the present. Today always holds more promise than yesterday.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. If you would like additional help in getting over your divorce, I can help. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more information about getting over your divorce after a long marriage? Check out the other articles in Healing After Divorce.
The 6 Challenges Of Co-Parenting vs Parallel Parenting
How you parent after divorce has a lot to do with how well you’ve healed from your divorce.
Even divorce can’t excise an unwanted ex from your life if there are children left to be raised. Sole custody vs co-parenting vs parallel parenting — the child-rearing component can be the most harrowing aspect of a marital split.
Ideally the parting adults would be just that: adults. They would recognize that their personal inability to co-exist in a marriage should not preclude their ability to be good parents. And they would be up for the task of behaving and communicating accordingly.
They would be unequivocally committed to the welfare and happiness of their children, even at the cost of their own comfort and convenience. They would never fight in front of, let alone through their children. And their children would have strong, healthy relationships with both parents
But alas, we know that is far from the norm. Children of divorce grow up steeped in the influences and effects of their parents’ actions. And their parents often don’t recognize their own influence until the damage has been done.
While sole custody is relatively rare, there are reasons that it is in the best interest of a child. More often than not, some form of joint custody is established, with a variety of possible physical and decision-making arrangements.
The decision of the court when establishing a joint custody arrangement is based, in large part, on the expressed willingness and ability of the divorcing parents to co-parent. And therein lies the motivation for co-parenting vs parallel parenting.
There is no question that children of divorce do better — as both youths and adults — when they have positive and mutually respected relationships with both parents. That is perhaps the greatest reason that sole custody isn’t the first choice of custodial arrangements.
Co-parenting, however, relies on healthy communication between parents. It also relies on respect from each parent for the child’s relationship with the other parent. Those who co-parent well are able to rise above their personal anger and bitterness that may be left unresolved from the marriage. Their focus is on their children, and that focus dictates their communication and behavior.
Co-parenting vs parallel parenting comes down to the ability of divorced or estranged parents to put the kids first.
Parallel parenting is a means of co-parenting for parents who don’t have what it takes to co-parent well. Quite a mouthful! But the gist of it is that divorced parents co-parent by disengaging. Call it a version of “agree to disagree.” They both want a relationship with their children, and they agree to let those relationships play out without interference from one another.
In parallel parenting, the parents remain fully connected to the children, though disengaged from one another. They usually agree on major decisions regarding the upbringing of the children (religion, education, medical), but separately decide the day-to-day logistics. The overriding reason for this arrangement is to decrease conflict and move forward.
Below are the 6 primary challenges of co-parenting vs parallel parenting:
- The role of conflict.
Obviously an everybody-happy co-parenting arrangement is ideal. Even Mrs. Doubtfire prevailed in the long run, to the benefit and happiness of everyone involved.But some exes simply can’t get past their animosity, their hurt, and even their stark differences in parenting styles. They couldn’t communicate while married, and they can’t communicate now.
The danger to their children isn’t that they don’t get along; it’s the children’s exposure to the fighting that is so damaging. Conflict is the greatest source of post-divorce anguish for children, and witnessing it has lasting effects.
- Making a plan.
Because the underlying premise of parallel parenting is that parents will not be communicating directly, the initial plan needs to be tediously laid out. Both parties need to know exactly how they are going to “communicate without communicating,” and what the rules are going to be.The higher the level of conflict, the greater the degree of structure and specificity required.
- Mutual respect.
Co-parenting works only when both parents support the other and respect the other’s relationship with the children. In this arrangement, children have the right to maintain a stable relationship with both parents. - Communication
Because co-parenting relies on parents putting the children first, communication needs to be plentiful and cooperative.In parallel parenting, however, communication is kept very impersonal and business-like, with all information relating only to the children. Schedules may be shared via calendars or emails, but not directly.
- Giving up control.
In parallel parenting, both parents have to give up trying to control the other side. This can be both challenging and liberating, as each parent is left to parent as s/he sees fit, with collaboration only on major issues. - Kids change.
Schedules that are firmly structured can pose challenges for kids of different ages. Frequent shifts between homes can be tough on small kids, while older kids seek more flexibility and independence.
The challenges of co-parenting vs parallel parenting are not without their pay-off. Both arrangements, despite their differences in execution, have the same purpose at heart. Their goal is to protect a child’s relationship with both parents, while shielding him/her from the parents’ conflict.
And, in the case of parallel parenting, there is often an unexpected upside: Sometimes the passage of time, with separation and non-interference, leads to restored trust and cooperative interaction between once-sworn enemies. And that lays the groundwork for healthy co-parenting.
No matter what custodial arrangement is implemented, the ultimate indication of its success is the sense of security and psychological adjustment of the kids. When they witness their parents “behaving” and cooperating, kids grow up to have better communication and conflict-resolution skills. And that means healthier relationships long after the dust of their parents’ divorce has settled.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people navigate parenting post-divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about dealing with parenting after divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Coparenting.
10 Tips For Co-Parenting Without Power Struggles
Co-parenting without power struggles is more than a nice idea. It’s a must for your kid’s happiness.
Power struggles are often one of the reasons people divorce. But when children are involved, that push-and-pull has to stop.
Co-parenting without power struggles is more than just a nice idea. It’s something that has to happen if your children are going to survive the family break-up with any sort of normalcy and healthy development.
Ideally, co-parents approach the arrangement as an equal partnership in raising their children. Both adults contribute financially, emotionally, and with physical presence. They abide by their divorce and custody decree, communicate openly and civilly, and leave onlookers wondering why they ever divorced in the first place.
But the picture is rarely painted in such bright, unicorns-and-rainbows colors. More often than not, divorced co-parents are hanging onto unresolved marital issues. And insofar as they have to stay connected because of the kids, they battle the remaining issues out on the parenting field.
Common experiences of single co-parents include:
- lack of consistency
- fighting
- resentment
- power struggles and power plays
- disrespecting boundaries
- jealousy over an ex’s new love interest
- time mismanagement
- conditional support
- financial irresponsibility and/or one-sidedness
- differences in parenting values
- disparagement of one parent by the other to the children
Co-parenting without power struggles may seem like a tall order after looking at that list. And in reality, it is — if only in the sense that it calls upon adults to…well…act as adults. No matter what their “adult” issues are, their children have to come first. Unequivocally. Non-negotiably.
And in that regard — assuming that both parents are wholeheartedly committed to the highest good of their children — divorce can actually evoke the best in two people who couldn’t be the best of themselves in their marriage.
But what if only one parent is committed to co-parenting without power struggles? How is it possible to achieve a two-sided effort when only one parent is onboard?
No matter what, children learn from and emulate the behavior of adults, and especially their parents. Even if only one parent is aware and willing to behave as a responsible co-parent, the children can still benefit in their formative and longitudinal development.
The ability to co-parent without power struggles assumes that the situation is not impaired by an unfit parent, parental alienation, or an uncooperative/unreliable/controlling parent.
Even if there are acrimonious feelings left over from your marriage, as parents you can still rise above yourselves and focus on being good parents who cooperate for the welfare of your kids.
Below are 10 tips for co-parenting without power struggles:
- You can’t change your ex.If you could, you probably wouldn’t have divorced. The only person you can control and/or change is yourself. So keep your side of the street clean, be an example of responsible behavior to your ex and kids, and keep your focus where you actually have control.
- Keep the marriage out of parenting.You’re not married to one another anymore, so don’t drag your unresolved issues into what remains: parenting your children.
Find a counselor, talk with friends, do what you have to do to get to a tolerable acceptance of your marital issues. But keep it away from your kids, and commit to providing a united front for their good.
- Focus on your kids’ needs, not your own. Obviously, you have to honor yourself and practice self-care in order to be a healthy parent. But in terms of co-parenting, the litmus test of all decisions, both individual and collective, ultimately comes down to the needs of the children. Not their wants, necessarily, but their needs and highest good.
- Never fight in front of the kids.Period.
- Never speak negatively about the other parent in front of the kids.Period.
- Document.Instead of risking a he-said-she-said fallout when your ex shows up late for the umpteenth time, or skips a child support payment, or conveniently forgets an agreement, keep a record.
This doesn’t have to be something that is spiteful or intended to be held against your ex. It’s just a lot easier to prove your case or resolve an issue with receipts, timestamps of phone calls, etc. If everyone is holding up his/her end of the deal, all that proof can collect dust somewhere. But at least it’s available.
- Choose your battles.Remember that good parenting, like anything else, exists on a continuum. Just because two people do things differently doesn’t mean one is “right” and one is “wrong,” or that one is “good” and one is “bad.”
Embrace those differences that broaden your child’s perspectives and life experiences, and learn to let little things go if they aren’t detrimental and habitual. And most importantly, be aware of whether or not you are involved in a power struggle, and do your part to bring the focus back to the kids.
- Have back-up.It takes a village — it really does — so always be building one. Don’t rely solely on the other parent. Both of you should have a support system that cares about you and your children, and on whom you can rely.
- Establish fair boundaries.It’s only natural that single parents are going to miss their children when they go with the other parent — especially early in the divorce. But remember that a break-up is devastating to children on countless levels, and their closest sense of “family” is having a healthy relationship with both parents.
Both parents need their children, and children need both their parents. Be kind to your ex (and generous with visitation) and you will inevitably be kind to your children.
- Be an example.
It can be so difficult to be responsible and reliable when you feel alone as a do-gooder. But co-parenting without power struggles depends on each and both co-parents being self-aware and self-accountable, even when the task seems more one-sided than fair.In those moments when you want to scream, “Why should I…when you don’t…?” remember who is watching…and learning. That’s who needs to witness the example you set.
Divorce is hard enough, especially when two people part with stewing, unresolved bitterness. Having to co-parent children can feel like a test of your already stomped-on spirit. You may not want to share the same planet with your ex, let alone what you love most — your children.
But by shifting your perspective, you can actually embrace co-parenting — without power struggles — as an opportunity to ensure that your children grow up happy and healthy, reflecting the best qualities of both their parents.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people navigate co-parenting without power struggles. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.