Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
Who Does Infidelity Affect?
It’s not just the betrayed spouse who suffers.
Few things are as rending to love, let alone marriage, than the scourge of infidelity. But besides the jilted spouse, who does infidelity affect?
There is no question that infidelity undermines the very foundation of committed love. It wipes out trust and replaces it with shame, embarrassment, anger, depression, and often irrevocable loss of intimacy.
When a spouse cheats, the question of “Who does infidelity affect?” is rarely the frame of reference for the choice to stray.
Being self-consumed with one’s own needs and/or lack of fulfillment in the marriage can blind one to the harm done to others. It can even blind one to the long-term harm to oneself.
Who does infidelity affect? It affects far more than you would think, including family and friends close to the marriage.
But the most sensitive barometers of change, especially change that “doesn’t feel right,” are children.
They may not have finely honed communication skills or the authority to make life decisions, but children are incredibly perceptive. And what they perceive becomes formative in their neurological and emotional development.
The emotional reaction to parental infidelity is similar to the reaction to parental divorce…except deeper, and with potentially more enduring scars.
Infidelity affects the entire family. For children, it undermines their entire construct of who their parents are as people.
While divorce is devastating for children, it doesn’t necessarily carry with it the loss of trust that parental infidelity does.
Infidelity creates a feeling of betrayal in children, even when they don’t know what’s happening. They are acutely intuitive, and can tell when a parent’s emotional energy is being directed outside the family.
The question “Who does infidelity affect?” is incomplete without considering how it affects those in its wake.
For children, subtle changes are unsettling, and can leave them feeling anxious, frightened and rejected, and even blaming themselves. “Did I do something wrong?” “Doesn’t Daddy love us anymore?” “Is Mommy mad at me?”
The child who suddenly doesn’t have a parent’s attention, or is privy to hushed phone calls and other unusual behaviors, can develop an array of anxious behaviors.
Clinging, thumb-sucking, temper-tantrums and night terrors can all signal the child’s deep-rooted fear of losing his or her family according to family therapist Dr. Pittman.
Older children, beset by anger and/or a sense of betrayal, may react by acting out. Angry outbursts, underperforming at school, disregard for rules, disrespect when communicating with adults – even if they are not “in” on the truth, they will respond to their own perception of it.
Perhaps the most telling longitudinal effects of infidelity on children have to do with how they come to view future relationships.
Despite believing infidelity to be wrong, children of unfaithful marriages will tend to be unfaithful themselves. It’s as if the behavior is “handed down.”
Interestingly, the responses of children tend to be unique to the gender of the cheating parent.
When the father cheats, sons seem to “inherit” the behavior, and are more prone to cheat themselves. Daughters tend to grow up unsure of themselves and relationships, with an undercurrent of anger toward men.
When it is the mother who cheats, children are in danger of losing their confidence in the entire concept of marriage and family. (A reflection, no doubt, of the long-held perception of mother as foundational to “home.”)
Some of the consequences of infidelity for adults on both sides of the wound include guilt, shame and embarrassment. Even the person cheated on may feel displaced guilt, wondering if s/he somehow “caused” the cheating spouse to stray.
Both parties are likely to feel shame and embarrassment — albeit for different reasons — that this is happening to their marriage and family.
Infidelity is a lonely and isolating existence. The hiding, secrecy and looking-over-one’s shoulder are exhausting, to say the least.
And for both the offending and offended parties, the inevitable separation from friends and family in order to maintain the dark secret can breed depression and diminished self-esteem.
Even if a couple decides to stay together through and after the infidelity, there is inevitable loss of trust and intimacy. Something sacred to the marriage has been shared elsewhere, and that violation can impart irrevocable damage to a couple’s ability to restore intimacy.
This doesn’t mean that healing isn’t possible, or that building a stronger-than-before relationship is out of the question. But that outcome is the result of both parties being willing, determined and committed to save their marriage at all costs.
When the depth of betrayal and emotional pain are just too much, divorce is often the end result. And when that happens, the question of “Who does infidelity affect?” morphs into the question of “What are the effects of divorce after infidelity?”
When considering the effects of infidelity, there is one person who is often disregarded: the person outside the marriage who participated in the infidelity. It can be easy to dump the blame and ensuing disdain onto this “intruder,” as if s/he accomplished the affair single-handedly.
Whether “the other person” is single or married, s/he is just as affected by the infidelity. And at no time is that more starkly evident than if and when the partner in the affair decides to end it and return to his/her marriage.
Even if the partner ends the marriage, ending the affair leaves “the other person” to recover from an unconventional break-up. And if that person is married, as well, but was placing future hopes on the “other” relationship, there will be another family struggling to heal for reasons that are the same but different.
Infidelity doesn’t “just happen” any more than marriages “just end.”
There are always underlying signals and contributors, even if rooted in family-of-origin issues. And it certainly doesn’t exist in a fantasy-filled vacuum. Its most dramatic effects may be experienced in the gut-wrenching present; but its unpredicted, unseen effects may be most telling years ahead…when a child is left to make choices out of life lessons.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people navigate the repercussions of infidelity and make the best decision about the future of their marriage. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about the repercussions of cheating? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Surviving Infidelity.
How To Handle An Unhappy Marriage And Find Happiness Again
Living in an unhappy marriage hurts your entire family. Follow these steps to find happiness again.
Every marriage has its ups and downs. It’s just that when things are down and have been so for an extended period that it’s time to start considering how to handle an unhappy marriage so you can start feeling better.
After all, you deserve happiness. Your spouse deserves happiness and so do your children. Yet when you’re stuck in a miserable marriage it’s hard for anyone in the family to feel happy.
So how do you handle an unhappy marriage?
The first step is to realize that whatever you choose to do is a result of a choice you’re making (or not making).
You’ll read this article and probably lots more, but not one of them will tell you unequivocally that you need to divorce (unless you’re struggling with one of the marriage deal breakers). And not one of them will tell you that you MUST stay in your unhappy marriage.
Next, you’ll need to determine if it truly is the marriage that’s at the root of your unhappiness or if it’s something else.
Sometimes people confuse a sense of unhappiness about their life or a portion of it with being unhappy in their marriage. It can often be easier to see the marriage as being a problem instead of looking inside to discover what else might be going on.
However, before you start blaming your marriage for your unhappiness, it’s worth spending some time thinking about what else might be going on that could be at the root of your discontent.
If you discover that the cause of your unhappiness is something other than your marriage, then now’s the time to start remedying whatever it is that’s causing you pain.
If you instead discover that it truly is your marriage that’s making you sad, then it’s time for the next step.
Find ways to be happy regardless of what’s going on in your marriage.
We’ve all heard the phrase “and they lived happily ever after.” And most of us believe deep down that’s what we should have when we get married – a life of happiness and joy with our beloved.
However, the truth is that every marriage has its ups and downs, and no one can live happily ever after without putting some serious work into doing so.
To help build your endurance for however you choose to handle your unhappy marriage, you’ll want to make sure that you’re doing things that help you feel better. Maybe you spend time reading or visiting with friends or getting a massage.
The point is to take some of the pressure off of the expectation that your marriage (or your spouse) be the source of your happiness. When you can find some pleasure on your own, you’ll have the endurance and enhanced self-esteem to make it through handling your unhappy marriage.
Now you’re ready to start dealing with your unhappy marriage directly.
Once you’ve made it to this point, you should have the clarity and strength to decide how you want to handle your unhappy marriage.
Maybe you’re ready to have a conversation with your spouse about what is and isn’t working for each of you. Then you can put together a plan for how to begin addressing the issues that you each have.
Maybe you’re ready to have a conversation about ending your relationship instead.
And maybe you’ve realized that the unhappiness you’ve been dealing with is just a temporary situation to be weathered.
However you decided to resolve the issues in your marriage after following these suggestions, you’ll know that you’re making the best decision you can so that you, your spouse and your children can find the happiness you each deserve.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach helping people just like you who are looking for advice and support about how best to handle an unhappy marriage. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more ideas for what to do about your unhappy marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
7 Helpful Things To Do When Dealing With Grief After Divorce
Despite how overwhelming your grief is now, you can make your way through it and feel better again.
Dealing with the difficult process of grieving a failed marriage is one of the most traumatic life experiences you’ll ever undertake. Your grieving will begin long before you ever get to the divorce decree and will probably last well beyond it too.
Yet the difficult process doesn’t mean there aren’t things to do when dealing with grief before, during and after divorce.
You don’t have to remain mired in your misery over the end of your marriage and the life you knew. There are things you can do to help you heal and move through your heartache, so you can feel better.
In fact, here are seven things to do when dealing with grief to help you heal:
- Research the stages of grief
Learning about the different stages of grief will help you heal from divorce because you’ll have an idea of what to expect.You won’t necessarily go through all of the stages in the same order as someone else. However, the knowledge you gain by this research will help you know that what you’re experiencing is normal and allow you to focus less on fear and more on feeling better.
- Learn from the experience of others
There will be times when the heartache you’re experiencing is overwhelming. And one of the most soothing things to do when dealing with grief is to remember that although everyone’s divorce experience is different, the pain that it causes is similar. Hearing other people’s experience of divorce is incredibly comforting because you’ll immediately know you’re not alone in your pain.The easiest ways to learn about other people’s divorce stories is by reading about them online, joining a divorce support group and/or making an appointment with a therapist or divorce coach who has personally experienced divorce.
- Keep a journal
People experience the stages of grief in different orders, and some people skip a step or two altogether. Keeping track of your journey through the stages of grief is another thing to do when dealing with grief from divorce. This practice can help you understand how far you’ve come and mentally prepare you for what lies ahead. - Speak to friends and family who love you
Have honest and open discussions about what you’re experiencing as you heal from your divorce with the people close to you. Talking about your feelings can help them understand not only what you’re going through, but also how they can best support you. - Be kind to yourself
Divorce is traumatic and recovering from your heartbreak won’t be cut and dried. Before you come out on the other side of your divorce grief you’ll do an awkward dance of “one step forward and ten steps back.” So, know that when you do take a step or two back every once in a while, it is a normal part of the healing process.Giving yourself some slack is one of the most important things to do when dealing with grief about divorce.
- Exercise, fuel your body, and rest
Your physical well-being is largely influenced by your emotional state. Eating enough healthy food, getting enough rest and exercising regularly are basic requirements for dealing with any kind of grief.However, it’s important that strike the right balance for you. It is possible to overdo and underdo caring for your physical well-being when you’re dealing with the heartbreak of divorce. Pay attention to what your body needs in addition to how you feel emotionally and you’ll find your way to best caring for yourself.
- Run with the lessons you have learned
Another useful thing to do while dealing with the grief of divorce is pausing to assess what you’re learning about yourself. When you do, you’re likely to realize that you have emotional strengths you couldn’t have imagined at the beginning of your divorce journey – before you had to survive the hurt, anger, despair and fear.It does get better! I’ve done it and every one of my clients has done it too.
Doing everything you can to deal with the excruciating pain of divorce may not be glamorous and may involve a lot of ugly crying, but there is a reward for all your efforts.
For surviving one of the most brutal processes possible, you’ll be awarded the qualities of acceptance and hope. You’ll slowly regain interest in your life and accept that the one you’ve been grieving will make way for a different life that is at least as fulfilling as the one you’ve said goodbye to.
Every experience in our lives leaves its mark. You can utilize the negative experience of your divorce to leave a positive mark on the rest of your life.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach, who works with people just like you who are in search of support discovering things to do when dealing with grief from divorce. For free weekly advice, register for my newsletter. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more help coping with divorce heartbreak? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Dealing With Grief.
How To Help Friends Dealing With Grief Over Divorce
These 8 suggestions will help you know how to help your friends dealing with grief about divorce.
Many of us struggle to know how to help friends dealing with grief over death. Knowing how to help friends dealing with grief over divorce can be even more challenging. And yet, while the circumstances of the loss may be different, the compassion called for is the same.
Advice on going through the grief process of divorce usually starts with defining the grief process itself. And whether the griever is mourning the loss of a life or the loss of a love, the stages are still basically the same.
Divorce, like death, has effects that ripple outward like a pebble thrown into still water. You expect the disruption to the immediate family, but there is always a broader circle that feels the effects. Those on the outskirts of the divorce experience their own loss and shift in normalcy, and these can affect their responses to those divorcing.
Knowing how to help friends dealing with grief over divorce can be tricky if you let your own feelings or judgments get in the way. It is common to intellectualize a divorcing friend’s emotions, or to try to make the friend happy or distracted from them.
It is only natural to want those we care about to be happy. But, as the saying goes, there is a time and place for everything. And that includes emotions.
In the early stages of a divorce, it’s important — even necessary — for a person to feel his or her emotions. The pain may be guttural, the talking may be erratic, the strength of emotions may seem alarming. But the emotions need to be felt if there is going to be healing and progress.
And that means you may have to do some introspection if you are going to know how to help friends dealing with grief over divorce. If you are uncomfortable with their emotional state, you are likely connecting their emotional state to your own. And doing so will only lead to more resistance, distraction, and ultimately the persistence of the emotions.
Your job as a friend is to provide a place for your grieving friend to simply, safely be. Chances are your grieving friend is already questioning his or her own worth, feelings, behaviors and choices. Having a no-judgment zone is a remarkable gift that can be a saving grace during a deeply painful time.
Here are suggestions – both do’s and don’t’s – for how to help friends dealing with grief over divorce:
- Listen, listen, listen. People who are grieving are winding through multiple emotional stages all at once. And they often can’t make heads or tails of what is going on inside their hearts and minds at any given moment.Being able to tell their stories, albeit over and over, helps them to process their experiences in the context of their feelings. And being able to hear themselves while a trusted friend hears them as well is incredibly validating and clarifying.
As a listener, your job is to offer a sympathetic, empathetic, non-judgmental ear. You are not there to fix things. You are there to be a safe place for your friend to be heard at a time when the rest of his or her world seems to be vanishing.
- Hold off on the pep talks.
It takes a lot of self-control to pull back on the desire to lift a friend’s spirits with laughter and hopeful “-isms.” It also takes very clear and intact boundaries.Remember that it is not your job to ensure your friend’s happiness. It is an incredible act of friendship to remain undaunted in the presence of someone who is emoting from a place of suffering.
And it is an even greater expression of selflessness to allow that person the dignity of arriving at and owning conclusions on his or her own.
- Be patient and supportive. Avoid placing timelines on your friend’s emotions or conditions on his or her decisions. Separations and divorces can be complicated and full of surprises, including changes of heart.Instead of shaking your head or rolling your eyes behind your friend’s back when the process isn’t linear, look into his or her eyes and say, “I am here for you, and I will continue to be here for you, no matter what, no matter when.”
People going through break-ups need to have the freedom to explore their options without worrying that their support systems come with a list of conditions.
- Learn about the divorce process. What an amazing expression of support and solidarity it is to learn, on your own time, about what a friend is going through! Imagine what it would be like to receive a terrible medical diagnosis and realize that your friends were busy researching it and exploring options on your behalf.Learn enough so that you can be helpful and insightful when warranted, and enlightened and supportive throughout.
- Reassure them of your love. You may think the “love you” that closed your phone call the night before would be enough to hold someone over for a while. But there are times when “more is more.”Those grieving over divorce are often starved for love, and often question their own lovability. The simple reassurance that you love them as they are is a gift that is never forgotten. And what more impactful time to bestow that gift than when your friend has just done an “ugly cry” or spewed a litany of anger over his or her ex?
- Anticipate the pain to come…and be there. Divorces that involve children have another level of agony to them. And once the exhaustive proceedings have come to a close and the “new normal” has been decided upon, there is that first feared day when it has to go into effect.Children can’t be two places at once, so each parent is going to feel a sinking loss the day the children walk out the door to go with the other parent.
One of the most compassionate gestures you can make is to anticipate that pain…and be there to help your friend through it. Plan something to do together for the first several times the children are with the other parent. Watch a game together, have a grown-up slumber party, cook dinner together, go to a support group together. Just. Be. There.
- Help with the chores. Few people will have the courage to ask their friends for help around the house. And yet, for a newly divorced parent — especially one re-entering the job market for the first time in years — the day-to-day list of things to do can be exhaustive.It’s always a telling sign of empathy and true friendship when someone is willing to do the behind-the-scenes grunt work that ultimately helps the most during times of illness, change or grief.
You can even choose to make a fun event of it. “Hey! While the kids are away this weekend, how about we order in, watch movies, then put on some 80’s music while we knock out that honey-do list of chores? I’ll bring my laundry with me, if that will make you feel better!”
- Help with the kids. Every parent knows that it takes a village to raise a child, and ideally two adults to make each day’s routine possible.Being tossed into single parenthood at the drop of a gavel turns the lives of everyone involved upside down. Suddenly both parents have no choice but to work, both have households to maintain, and the kids’ demands don’t decrease just because their parents divorced.
Something as simple as babysitting or picking the kids up from school can make all the difference in a single parent’s ability to get back on his or her feet while re-creating a sense of normalcy.
If you are still wondering how to help friends dealing with grief over divorce, take a moment and put yourself in their position. Try to feel what they are feeling. Imagine needing what they are needing. Reach into the recesses of your empathy and ask yourself what you would likely most need and want, but wouldn’t know how to ask for.
And start there.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach. For more than 10 years, I’ve been helping people just like you who are looking for advice and support in healing from divorce. If you’d like free advice, you can join my newsletter list. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more help dealing with the painful realities of divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Dealing With Grief.
What Life After A Divorce At 50 Is REALLY Like
Divorce is difficult at any age but divorcing at 50 or later has unique challenges.
Divorce rates may be highest for people under 50; but divorce rates for those over 50 have practically doubled since 1990. And for those over 50 who are ending a second or third marriage, the statistics are even worse.
Life after a divorce at 50 is unique in both its immediate consequences and future outlook.
The upward trend of divorce after 50, led by the Baby Boomer generation, has been so dramatic that it now has its own epithet: gray divorce.
Obviously, there are characteristics unique to people and marriages in the “50’s+” stage of life.
Those who married in their 20’s or even 30’s have history — and probably children — together. Many spouses have been together for more than half their lives, making life after a divorce at 50 a veritable unraveling of a lifetime.
As life expectancies continue to climb and gender roles continue to equalize, there are more opportunities for individuals to grow. There are also more opportunities for them to grow apart. (A testament, perhaps, to the fragility of relationships and the need to invest in their sustainability.)
By the time people reach middle-age, children are beginning to leave home. And, while the idea of traveling, downsizing or redecorating may appeal to empty-nesters, the idea of life without the glue of “the kids” may not be so appealing. That final drop-off at college orientation can hit home in a stark way if spouses have left their marriage on the back burner for a generation.
Consider, as well, that more women are working outside the home, and there is now less stigma attached to being divorced and remaining single.
Divorce is always a journey of excavation and rebuilding. But life after a divorce at 50 has some characteristics unique to the age of the spouses parting ways. And many of those characteristics come as a surprise.
Any divorce will have the primary foci of children and division of assets. But divorcing late in life will involve unique considerations for both parties going forward, even if the children are grown and gone.
Let’s look at some of the biggest factors (and surprises) to be prepared for if you are considering or going through a late-in-life divorce and/or creating a new life after a divorce at 50:
The Children
Children are not immune to the effects of divorce just because they may have left home by the time their parents split.
In fact, it is often the older children who have a more difficult time compared to their younger siblings still at home. While the younger children adapt to the gradual, daily changes, older children who have left home experience those changes in big chunks. And in their eyes, it may all just be “too weird.”
Moral of the story? Don’t assume that you are sparing the children by waiting to divorce if your marriage really needs to end.
The Divorce Process
Even in the most amicable divorces, the process takes an emotional and financial toll.
When divorcing late in life, there are usually more amassed assets. And the money spent on attorneys hired to fairly divide them can take a big slice out of what both partners walk away with.
The Finances.
Life after a divorce at 50 can be especially challenging financially. By the time two people have spent a couple decades or more together, their finances are fairly complicated.
There is usually increased wealth, but a contrasting decrease in the ability to recover from financial setbacks. There simply isn’t enough time left to make up for what could be lost, both in the divorce and in future investments.
There are also Social Security benefits, pension plans and retirement plans to consider. It’s not just their current value that matters, but their future value and the age, health and future earning potential of both parties.
There are also tax considerations to take into account when dividing and distributing assets, especially retirement funds.
It is imperative that both parties and their attorneys have a full inventory of assets and debts. Living in a community property state can mean a rude awakening to a partner who hasn’t been as involved in the financial details of the marriage as the other partner.
Having both an attorney and financial advisor onboard can help with understanding your options and planning for a future with limited earning years left.
The Job Market
Especially for women who have devoted their marital lives to raising children or supporting husbands in demanding careers, the job market can be bleak.
Starting life after a divorce at 50 can be like starting a race on the final lap. “How am I going to make enough money to survive? I’ll be working the rest of my life!”
The Pain
Even if the marriage wasn’t a happy one, adjusting to life alone can be painful.
By this late stage in life, many couples have been together longer than they have ever been without one another. And some have never been alone.
If there are children involved, having to share custody will mean they are not around all the time. And this just adds to the loneliness.
The Loss Of Friends
You wouldn’t think your friends would bail just when you need them most, but divorce can divide more than just marriages and assets.
It is not unusual for married friends to drift away after your divorce, or for divorced friends to compare your circumstances to theirs.
Being proactive about expanding your networks can help to ensure that you have both a support group and a social group as you go through your divorce and start your new life.
The Financial Fall-Out And Cost Of Living
Of all the “shockers” to starting a life after a divorce at 50, the most hard-hitting tends to be the financial devastation left in the wake of the split.
From basic living expenses to insurance and the IRS, the cost of living per person favors the married.
And women tend to take a harder hit. After a divorce, women recover emotionally more quickly than men, but suffer financially much longer.
Given that women still carry the majority of the responsibility for childcare, they usually don’t have the same career and earning opportunities.
Women also live longer than men, which means they may be living longer with less.
Despite the negative consequences to divorcing later in life, there is the unexpected benefit of having a fresh start and getting to create what you want.
By going into your divorce with your eyes wide open and your financial matters, advisors and support system in place, you can push forward into a new comfort zone. You can create a meaningful and fulling life after a divorce at 50 or more.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people adjust to life after a divorce at 50 or any other age. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about adjusting to life post-divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Life After Divorce.
What To Do If You Have An Unhappy Marriage But Are Afraid To Leave
You don’t need to stay stuck in an unhappy marriage. You can choose to be happy again.
Spouses who are in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave will question not only their marriages, but themselves. And, while outsiders may be quick to judge those who linger in misery, the cleaving is rarely simple.
Marriage doesn’t bask forever in wedding day euphoria, though it may be healthy and happy. It has its proverbial ups and downs, and sprinkles even the happiest partners with periodic longings for independence.
When marriages take on the dark cloud of being unhappy or even toxic, however, countless descriptors come up:
- infidelity
- violence
- anger issues
- indifference
- drug/alcohol abuse
- lying
- sexless
- control/dominance
- improper/abusive parenting
And yet, when people are in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave, their reasons for not leaving can almost skirt the gravity of their unhappiness:
- staying together for the kids
- not wanting to part with money
- not wanting a lesser lifestyle or loss of home
- overwhelmed by the divorce process
- fear of loneliness
The underlying resistance to leaving an unhappy marriage, however, almost always comes down to fear.
- The prospect of divorce feels shameful and embarrassing.
- The thought of court, conflict and expenses creates panic.
- The person can’t envision a future.
- There is fear of financial deprivation or loss.
- There is worry about the welfare of children.
- Low self-esteem breeds fear of never being loved again.
What, then, are you to do if you have an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave? What if you know things are not going to get better, and that you are just living out your days? What if, deep inside, you know that you are staying married in name only, and for a list of people that doesn’t include yourself?
Obviously the decision to stay or leave is one that only you can make. And that decision can be made only as a conclusion to an authentic questioning of your own heart.
- Are you happy with the life you are living?
- Years from now, perhaps after your children are grown and gone, will you regret staying or leaving?
- Are you staying because of what others might think?
- Is your partner committed to making your marriage work, or are you both in a marriage alone?
- Is there abuse or any other reason to fear for your safety or that of your children?
- Has your social and support circle diminished?
- Have you made every effort you can to save your marriage from getting to this point?
- Do you feel dead inside?
If you know you are in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave, you will have to come to grips with the ultimate personal sacrifice. For each day that you stay in a toxic environment, you lose a little more of yourself. And your life becomes a slow emotional and spiritual death.
It may sound nonsensical, but embracing your fears is an important step in rising past them.
The process is both as simple and difficult as facing each fear on its own and countering it with facts and action sufficient to release it.
Become a detective on your own behalf. Collect information. Weigh all your options. Consider all your possible losses in light of all you stand to gain. In the final analysis, what carries the greater weight?
Worried about your financial survival? Start looking for ways to increase your income. Even part-time work can forge confidence in your ability to provide and to survive independently.
Need education or training to guarantee the right job for you? Start researching classes, or simply begin exploring topics online. Not only will your financial confidence increase, but your self-confidence will, as well.
If you have children, securing an attorney with a specialty in custody can help you navigate one of your most justified fears — the welfare of your children.
The fear of losing your kids can be paralyzing. But a good family attorney can relieve a lot of that anxiety by looking out for and maximizing your time with them.
The fact that a marriage is unhappy, let alone toxic or dangerous, doesn’t mean it is easy to leave. Quite the contrary, actually.
Such a marriage tends to be more complicated to leave, not less. Relationship patterns become ingrained, and money and children take time and conscientious handling when dividing a home and family.
If your marriage is in any way toxic or abusive, and you know you need to leave, your preparation will be especially important.
First and foremost is safety. Always. Secure in advance safe housing and protection (if necessary). Tell one to several people whom you trust exactly what you are intending to do, and keep them informed as you go through the process.
Begin the process of creating financial independence. Understand your finances, and, if possible, find a financial planner to help you create a plan and a way to manage it.
Seek professional help. When you are in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave, it is especially important to have knowledge, wisdom and objectivity on your side.
By having a divorce coach, therapist and trusted family attorney onboard early in the process, you will add to your circle of those who know your intentions and can support you.
If you are married to someone who is manipulative, threatening or dangerous in any way, stop any direct communication after separating. Communicate through your attorneys, or directly only as is necessary for children involved. You will need clarity and only those influences with your highest good at heart.
Finally, begin doing those things that bring you joy. Come back to the feeling of doing things you love.
Marriage in and of itself will ask the best of you. But an unhappy marriage can rob you if it, then demand it as you try to find your way out. It sounds unfair, if not impossible.
If you are in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave, know that you do have choices, and you can rise to happiness. Take a deep breath and calmly weigh the value of your life against the price you are paying by not living it.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach helping people just like you who are looking for advice and support in deciding what to do about their unhappy marriage. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more ideas for what to do about your unhappy marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
Rebuilding My Life After Divorce Wasn’t Easy, But The Effort Was Worth It
Rebuilding your life isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, but if I can do it so can you.
When I was dealing with my divorce, I never thought I would get to this place — this vantage point of talking about “rebuilding my life after divorce.” When I say I was “stuck,” I was stuck! Add “spiraling” to the mix, and I’m sure you get the ugly picture.
Divorce is traumatizing on just about every level. The shifts in finances, custody and other pragmatic matters can be seismic in their effects. And the emotional upheaval can leave your life shattered when your world comes crashing down.
You would think that the person initiating a divorce would skate through the process less scathed than the other — at least emotionally.
But it really doesn’t matter if one person initiates the split or both partners come to the table with the same mindset. It sucks. It hurts. It turns your life and your sense of self inside out.
Little did I know that rebuilding my life after divorce would be just as difficult as living in an unhappy marriage. The defining difference was that one scenario was a slow, hopeless death of my spirit, and the other was a slow, eye-opening re-emergence into life.
Both were agonizing. Both were my choice. But only one gave me hope.
There is a fine line in marriage between forming a union between two whole people and losing yourself to an enmeshment or subordination. And no matter what the unspoken paradigm of the relationship is, the marriage will always have an identity all its own.
For a person already struggling with his or her self-identity and -esteem, hiding behind the “us” identity can be an easy escape. For a while, anyway.
When I married the first time, I was young. Too young to know myself, let alone stand up for myself. I was, however, old enough to believe in the power — and obligation — of my word. Even though I knew before my wedding day that I shouldn’t be doing what I was doing, I had given my word. And at that point in my life, keeping my word to someone else was a sign of maturity and fidelity.
Sadly, I allowed my faithfulness to someone else override my faithfulness to myself. My promise, in my mind, was my dying obligation. And I was dying to keep it. Literally.
Little by little I gave away pieces of myself — pieces seemingly small enough that I assumed I wouldn’t notice. And yet, I was giving them away in hopes that my husband would notice my commitment and even my compliance.
I couldn’t live and thrive within my marriage. How could I imagine rebuilding my life after divorce? My health suffered. TMJ made it all but impossible to open my mouth, speak or chew. My self-esteem was tanked. I lost several loved ones to death in a two-year period of time. I had a miscarriage. And two severe car accidents left my body broken and in pain.
But sometimes life has to deal a hard blow to get our attention. I hadn’t listened to my inner knowing. I had shut off my hearing and my connection to wisdom. I was miserable because, in essence, “I” didn’t exist. “I” went through the motions of “keeping my word,” but to something that wasn’t authentic because I wasn’t authentic when I said “yes.”
And then September 11, 2001 changed everything. For America. For the world. For me.
Getting a divorce was only the unlocking of the cage, so to speak. Rebuilding my life after divorce was the real test of my promise – this time to myself.
Just because the cage is unlocked doesn’t mean the one inside walks right out. And I didn’t. I hurt so much that I thought I would die. I replayed all the tapes of disapproval and unlovability that I had listened to throughout my marriage, and I manifested them by starving myself and making a new promise: that I would never get married again.
Rebuilding my life after divorce was really about building my authentic life for the first time.
I had to undo a lot of damage; but that damage was nothing more than a stark reflection of a deep and neglected voice to which I had failed to listen. Now I was listening, but didn’t know how to recover, let alone become “lovable” again.
It was a good year after my divorce began before I started my rediscovery process. I had been waiting for someone else to rescue me, to lead me out of the pain and into hope. But the moment came when that sequestered voice within me spoke up loudly and clearly: No one is coming to your rescue. You have to rescue yourself.
One of the first bold moves I made was to bring competent and compassionate professionals into my life. I had neglected myself physically, and needed to hear the raw truth about my anorexia and overall health. Food had been the one thing I could control in my out-of-control world, and I had to make friends with it and stop using it as a weapon. Hiring a personal trainer was a statement of self-worth, even as I was still struggling to feel worthy.
I also hired a stylist to help revitalize my appearance and my self-confidence. I had dumbed down my expectations both of and for myself, and I needed to see all that I could be. Sometimes having another person who can see beneath the veil of despair and resignation can change the way you see your own reflection.
Perhaps the most important person who helped me rebuild my life after divorce was my therapist. I will always be grateful for the compassion and objective guidance I received during a time that felt so desperate and lonely.
Despite the progress I was making in the years after my divorce, I still wasn’t ready to back out on my resolve never to marry again. Even after meeting and dating a man who loved me and whom I loved, I couldn’t push past that one last promise: I will never get married again.
If you have followed my blogs, you know that I did, eventually, push through that block. I realized that I was holding onto a fear created out of an old self. And I had worked so devotedly to give voice to a wisdom and self-knowing that had been stifled since before my first “I do.” I was now a person with something valuable to give to a marriage. I was also now a person capable of expecting and receiving something just as valuable.
Rebuilding my life after divorce wasn’t easy, but the effort was worth it.
And it all started with two little words to myself: I do.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people with rebuilding their lives after divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about adjusting to life post-divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Life After Divorce.
Why Do Married Men Cheat And Stay Married?
Be prepared, these reasons may infuriate you or produce feelings of empathy.
It’s a common question today that seems to go hand-in-hand with the questions about respect between the genders that we’re still struggling with as a society: Why do married men cheat and still stay married?
In my years working as a divorce coach, I’ve met several men who fall into this category. These men have a paramour that their wife doesn’t know about. And these men choose to stay married despite their infidelity and the fact that something must obviously be missing from their marriages.
What I’ve discovered is that there are three main reasons why married men say they cheat and yet remain married:
- Some unfaithful men still love their wives and yet need something more. The something more they crave could be excitement, support, sex or any other need that they believe their wives are just not able to provide. In some cases, they have asked their wives for what they need. And for some reason, these men – either correctly or incorrectly – believe their wives have denied their requests.In other cases, the men have not asked their wives. And the reason they haven’t usually has to do with pre-judging their wives coupled with a fear of being judged and denied their needs in an unpleasant way.
- Other men are afraid to hurt their wives.
Each and every one of the men I’ve met who fall into this category realize that if their wife discovered their infidelity that she would be very hurt. And so, they are reluctant to admit to their affair because they believe it would cause their wife unnecessary pain. - They don’t want to deal with the financial implications of divorce.
These men fear that their wives will divorce them when news of their infidelity is revealed. So, rather than come clean, they choose to continue having a relationship on the side.
Are these good reasons for why married men cheat and stay married? It’s not my job to pass judgement and it’s not the purpose of this article either.
The fact is that the men in this situation consistently give these reasons for why they do what they do instead of coming clean and dealing directly with their spouses about the repercussions of their choices.
What I think these reasons point out is a serious breakdown in communication between the couples. And I believe this reflects the miscommunication and lack of respect between genders (and gender orientation) that is sadly still prevalent in our society.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people make it through their divorce journey and create a happy post-divorce life. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about the repercussions of cheating? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Surviving Infidelity.
How To Get Over An Unexpected Divorce
Tips for getting over the practical and emotional challenges of an unexpected divorce.
No one walks down the aisle wishing there were a rewind button. And no one says “I do” while secretly worrying about how to get over an unexpected divorce in the future.
It can seem absurd, if not surreal, to look at your life in review from the middle of a divorce. How did you go from the assurance of a happy life to the gut punch of having it ripped away?
It was only yesterday that the diamond ring was dangled. Now you’ve been served with divorce papers, leaving you to figure out how to get over an unexpected divorce.
It’s bad enough to be forced into a divorce you don’t want. But there is an extra sting, a piercing shock, when you didn’t see it coming. Wham! You’re thinking it’s time to add to the family or renew your vows, and your spouse has one foot and a suitcase out the door.
No matter how you got here or what role you played in the decision, the process of divorce isn’t easy. You will need the best of yourself in the game — alert, prepared, well-advised.
The question of how to get over an unexpected divorce starts with asking yourself if it is truly over. If you were broadsided by your spouse’s decision and believe that he/she is even slightly unsure, it may not be.
If it’s possible to negotiate a separation, you may both get the needed space to re-evaluate before throwing your marriage away.
If this is not possible, regardless of the torch you may still carry for your spouse, then you have a choice. You can either fight the divorce — at great emotional and financial expense — or you can prepare to move on.
There will be both emotional and pragmatic considerations in a divorce. And for the person still shell-shocked by the decision, it can be challenging to isolate the two. Even if you are both committed to parting with at least a modicum of maturity and amicability, you will still need objectivity.
An essential step in successfully navigating the divorce process is surrounding yourself with a strategic and compassionate support system. And first on that list, harsh as it may sound, should be an attorney.
Figuring out how to get over an unexpected divorce isn’t as simple as one person keeping the house and the other getting a posh new pad across town. In a very real way, divorce is a ripping apart of everything that represented a unified existence. And that goes for children, pets, dreams, expectations and assets.
Even if you do not intend to fight your spouse’s decision, there are long-term and often complicated decisions that need to be made. If you have children, there will be the obvious issue of custody and living arrangements.
That out-of-state move you had hoped you would make as a family may not even be allowed for you if you want to see your kids. And things like tuition and college-expense planning may get a little more burdensome when added to the heap to be divided.
We all know how inadvisable it is to make major decisions during emotional times. Stress hormones, lack of concentration, and the flooding of memories and their accompanying emotions can wreak havoc with decision-making. And a decision made in the moment can change the course of your life.
That’s why the detached counsel of a divorce attorney can be crucial to the divorce process. In a meltdown moment of thinking, “I don’t want anything! He/she can take it all. I can’t handle this!” a divorce attorney can reel you back in with a reality check on reactionary decision-making.
Be prepared to show several years of tax returns, bank statements and investment statements in order to paint a complete picture of your assets. Consider, as well, that one or both of you may lose access to your private health insurance (if provided through a company) and may have to distribute retirement funds.
If one of you was not a major breadwinner, it will be extremely important to have clarity around going forward with financial security. Entering the job market after years away is fraught with learning curves, earning curves and inequality in future earning potential. You will need to take all of these factors into consideration when committing to a fair division of assets.
While trying to keep your wits about you to deal with pragmatic matters, you will obviously have the emotional weight of your divorce to deal with. And when the divorce is both unexpected and unwanted, feelings of isolation, loneliness and a parched self-esteem can run rampant.
Now more than ever it is important to create a circle of loving support around yourself. You may be surprised that some of the family and friends you thought you could count on part ways when you and your spouse part ways. It’s okay. Let them go. Your life is in flux, and that doesn’t have to be all bad. Welcome new friends, immerse yourself in relevant support groups, and make sure you have those sacred few with whom you can talk about anything.
As with any loss, divorce carries a dance card with “grief” written across the top. Give yourself a time limit, but don’t sit out the dance. It’s cathartic. It’s insightful. It’s healing. It’s essential. And it will lead you, so you can follow.
The hopeful side of divorce — let alone one that is unexpected — is that you have the opportunity to do for yourself what someone else can’t do or won’t do. Reacquaint yourself with the small, lost-in-the-shuffle sources of your happiness. Rediscover your passions…and pursue them. Give yourself the gift of time to heal. And let romance sit on the sidelines until the big breaks are nothing more than light-revealing cracks.
Sometimes we are forced by life to look for ourselves in the darkest places. While we have no power to keep someone else’s promises to us, we do have the power to keep our promises to ourselves. And what matters is that we promise not to stop looking until we are found…again.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. If you would like additional help in learning how to get over an unexpected divorce, I can help. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more information about getting over your unexpected divorce? Check out the other articles in Healing After Divorce.
12 Tips For Coping With Grief After Divorce
These practical tips will ease the struggle you face in coping with grief after divorce.
Coping with grief after divorce is not unlike coping with grief after death. Both death and divorce are “loss of life,” whether life in the physical realm or life as you know it.
In terms of coping with grief after divorce, it really matters very little who initiated the split. Even the reasons for the split have little bearing on the journey through grief.
Sure, there are situations and violations that will naturally cause greater pain and more intense feelings than others. But the stepping stones of grief will be the same, as will the recommendations for coping with grief after divorce.
First and foremost, acknowledge that there is going to be a grieving process. By giving yourself permission to experience grief — with all its ins and outs, ups and downs, messiness, and unpredictability — you can come through with a new and hopeful lease on life.
So get ready to feel, and trust that the feelings themselves carry sage insight and benevolent gifts for your future. You are entitled to your feelings — all of them — just as you are entitled to the blessings stored in them.
Let’s review the stages of grief so you know what to look for and how to respond. Note that you may see lists of five to seven stages, depending on the source of your information. Here are the seven signs of grief I outlined in a previous article:
- Denial
- Pain and fear
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance
And here are 12 tips for coping with grief after divorce:
- Accept that your marriage and relationship is over. This level of acceptance is really just a starting point for all the work of grief en route to the final acceptance of a new reality and the ability to live into it.
- Expect the grief process. Allow it. There are a lot of individual losses contained in the one big loss of your marriage. There is the loss of physical companionship, the loss of emotional and financial support, and the loss of your hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. If you have children, there will also be an enormous shift in your family paradigm. You and your ex will likely have to split the time with your children, creating a new sense of ‘home’ and ‘family.’ This, too, will carry its own grief.The stages of grief are necessary and ultimately inevitable. Embrace them and trust that they are there to guide you through the darkness and into a bright future. The pain of grief will help you with the next tip.
- Let go. Even though you will experience a rollercoaster of emotions, make it your goal to release negative emotions like anger, resentment, and vengefulness. When you experience the same feeling coming up again and again, make it your goal to shave off a little more of it each time and release it. The goal here is not to get stuck in the negative emotions. However, if you do find yourself getting stuck in the negative emotions, reach out for help in processing them so you can let them go.
- Skip the blame game. There is nothing to be gained from dwelling on blame, whether for your ex or for yourself. It is important to examine and acknowledge the role you played and the choices you made that contributed to the end of your marriage, but only for the purpose of learning and growing.Having a mindset of blame will find its way into your attitude and language. And it is especially damaging to children who are going through divorce with both parents.
- Forgive. Forgive yourself and — if only in your heart and for your own ability to go on — forgive your ex. Forgiving your ex doesn’t mean you condone anything that has happened. It’s just an acknowledgement of the fact that things happened and that you’re not going to let those things control you any longer.
- Create a support system. Surround yourself with people who value, support, and energize you. You are already living a big downer — you need people who are going to lift you up. And if you have children and/or are having to re-enter the job market, you are going to need the proverbial village to help you. Family, friends, church, support groups, neighbors…. Yes, it is common for connections to fall away as a result of divorce, but you might be amazed by the new and lasting connections that show up.
- Take care of yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a dear friend coping with grief after divorce. Monitor the voice inside your head. Make sure it speaks gently and compassionately to and about you. Eat healthful foods, get plenty of rest, exercise, do things you enjoy, be creative, say “no” when you mean “no.” And look for reasons to smile and laugh every day.
- Establish a routine. Divorce turns your life upside down, inside out and all kaddywampus. At a time when you are likely to feel tossed around blindfolded, every bit of regularity can be a stronghold. And if you have children and/or pets, predictability and routine will provide an anchor for their adaptation and healing too.
- Get it out. Keep a journal…or two…or three. The practice of doing Morning Pages is a wonderful way to “dump” everything waiting for attention when you wake up. Write a minimum of three pages upon waking, without thinking or editing. The idea is to “get it out” — feelings, hopes for the day, dreams you had during the night, reminders. Just. Write. A gratitude journal is one of the loveliest ways to balance the negativity in your life with an awareness of all you have in your midst. It also provides an ongoing, subconscious current of trust in the Universe or God or your Higher Power or whatever supports your beliefs.
- Go pro. Having a therapist or divorce coach you trust can be one of the greatest gifts you give yourself while coping with grief after divorce. Knowing that you can safely talk through your conundrum of feelings can be both liberating and validating. Someone who specializes in divorce will know how to guide you through the emotional stages, while compassionately directing you back to self-love and self-confidence.
- Write good-bye and hello letters to yourself. This ritual will provide both catharsis and hope. Writing a parting letter to all the expectations, dreams, and plans that will never manifest with the person you married will open space for all that now can be. Remember to say good-bye to what didn’t serve you, as well, and use that as inspiration for the qualities you will welcome into your new life.
- Don’t rush romance. Give yourself the powerful, healing gift of time spent regaining your sense of self. There is no rule that says an adult has to be attached to a romantic partner at all times (or ever, for that matter). Over 45% of adults are single, so not only is there no rush, there is no shortage. There has even been a shift toward elective singlehood. And the statistics boast a boost in happiness and health because of it. So allow this time to be about you — and if you are a parent, your children.
Coping with grief after divorce is a commitment to your faith in the promises imbued in loss. You may think for a long time that all grief promises is pain. But if you embrace it as necessary and temporary, you will one day look back at a person only a fraction as strong and wise as s/he is today.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people make it through their divorce journey and create a happy post-divorce life. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.