Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
Divorced And Wondering When Your Happy Life Will Begin? Here’s What You Need To Know
Could you really have control over when your happy life will begin?
If you’re in the throes of a divorce or have recently divorced, your world is understandably topsy-turvy. Up is down, and down is what you are all the time. And you’re probably wondering when your happy life will begin (assuming it ever will).
Confusion and worry are your familiar (and constant) companions. What do I do? What do I not do? Should I…? What if I…? Am I going to make it financially? Will the kids be OK? Am I ever going to feel better? Will I ever have love in my life again?
Validating the normalcy of this emotional chaos is an important part of accepting your new reality. It’s not a license to stay in this state forever. But it is an essential step toward letting go and not clinging to a reality that simply no longer is.
Validating these uncomfortable, even unfamiliar feelings is also a way of standing in faith that your happy life will begin. Your life is in transition, so a lot of feelings are going to come up as you’re forced out of your comfort zone.
You can either fight the process or embrace it. In the end, your happiness will come down to this choice.
Your time of struggle and wondering when your happy life will begin is also a good time to reflect on what happiness means to you.
Whether or not you chose your divorce or even participated in the decision, “happiness” was obviously an issue.
When you walked down the aisle, you and your now-ex had a concept of what happiness looked like. But somehow, for whatever reason, that changed.
Perhaps you expected life to “go as planned,” and it didn’t. Perhaps you and your spouse expected the other to stay the same, and at least one of you didn’t.
So now, in the early post-divorce days, you’re craving happiness. You hunger for contentment — to simply smile and laugh again, to feel connected, to have a sense of normalcy.
The critical thing to remember about happiness, especially after a divorce, is that you are responsible for defining it…and creating it.
It’s not something that everyone else gets while it eludes you. Those periods of feeling out-of-touch with your happiness are really times of growth. Lonely, awkward, painful, out-of-your-comfort-zone times of growth. And growing pains come with the territory.
One of the light-bulb moments in healing from divorce comes when you assign meaning to your (chosen or unchosen) aloneness.
Marriage requires that you create a “third party” – the marriage itself. You have your individual thoughts, feelings, needs, yearnings, and dreams. But you contribute them to the definition of who you are as a couple.
The risk is that it becomes easy to lean into the marriage and one another so much that individuals forget how to stand alone. And if you recognize yourself in that scenario, you know how quietly and unknowingly you can lose your own sense of happiness.
And now, thanks to a divorce, you can’t remember if you left your happiness with your spouse or buried on page 20 of your divorce decree.
This is the danger of leaning so much into the union. You can forget to stand alone so that, when your world is pulled away from you by divorce, you are still standing.
It may sound too simple to say, but it’s true….
Your happy life will begin when you decide it will begin. How your life changes is entirely up to you.
There are ways to know if you are moving forward or staying stuck. You will feel the movement or the resistance. But having the awareness beforehand can ensure you are able to choose progress.
For example, if you are obsessed with your ex and his/her life, you are choosing to stay stuck. It’s natural to be curious — even angry and jealous. But it’s a sign of great self-discipline and self-love to shift your focus away from your ex and onto yourself.
Resist the urge to scour your ex’s Facebook page for signs of his/her happiness. Don’t stalk your ex’s home, work, and favorite places.
Intentionally resisting the urge and replacing it with something proactively self-fulfilling will propel you forward into your own happiness.
You’ll literally feel the “tugging of wills” as you choose the right thing. But you’ll also feel the growth, release, and personal satisfaction when you choose what can be over what was.
It’s very easy to get stuck in a pattern of waiting to feel better before taking action. You can conquer the world when you’re happy/healthy/rich/popular/loved, etc. Anyone can.
Unfortunately, that habit wouldn’t make the list of Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
The truth is that action precedes emotions – at least when it comes to the emotions you seek. So if you’re wondering when your happy life will begin, your answer lies in the actions you choose to take to be happy.
Two principles from Covey’s list that surely must have been written just for you are the following:
- Be proactive.
- Begin with the end in mind.
Perhaps you forgot your dreams in your marriage. Or perhaps you just cast them to the wind when life took its own course. But now it’s time to dream again – to have an end in mind, a vision to inspire your choices.
And being proactive can be as simple as starting. Simply start. Today. Now. This moment.
Today you forced yourself to try a new coffee shop so you wouldn’t risk running into your ex? Awesome! Stepping away from the past allowed you to step into new possibilities.
Tonight before bed you’re going to research local classes in a subject you have always loved? Now you’re on a roll!
Tomorrow you’re meeting with someone you met at your new coffee shop who said he has some connections for your business? Life is already looking up!
And next week you’re joining a Meetup group for a volunteer project in your community? Now you’re stepping outside yourself to help someone else have a happy life.
By taking action – moment by moment, one foot in front of the other – you tell your Higher Power that you are ready to receive. You’re done asking when your happy life will begin…because you’re in the process of living it.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn and I’m a divorce and life coach. Schedule a 30-minute private consultation for support in putting together the pieces so you can begin living your happy life.
Looking for more information about how you can have a happier life? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Building A Happy Life.
Yes, You Can Live A Happy Life After An Unexpected Divorce & Here’s How
These 7 tips can help you find your new happy life.
When you’re the victim of an unexpected divorce, you feel lost at best and destroyed at worst. Just about everything you thought was true about your life is suddenly a lie. You weren’t happily (or happily enough) married. And now, as the dust on the bomb that wrecked your world is starting to settle, you wonder if you can live a happy life ever again – or if you are doomed to wandering around living the miserable shell of a life you’re started to accept as the new norm.
And the truth is that you can live a happy life after divorce – even an unexpected one.
However, to be happy again, you will have to do a few things to help happiness along.
Grieve
You’ve lost a lot. Divorce is about losing your lifestyle, your security, your kids, your status as a spouse, your dreams for a shared future, and, of course, your spouse. But those are only the obvious losses. There is a myriad of losses that are less obvious, but no less painful.
Suggested Reading: The Secret Grief Of Divorce You Never Talk About
And each of these losses needs to be grieved. Some will require more grief work than others, but they will all require your attention.
The challenge is that grieving after divorce – especially an unexpected one – can become a habit. You can actually get stuck in the grief and/or get stuck feeling sorry for yourself – neither of which are conducive to knowing you can live a happy life again.
You also don’t want to attempt to numb the pain away. Some unhelpful coping strategies to be on the lookout for include: drinking too much, shopping too much, inappropriate sex, eating too much, eating too little (aka the divorce diet), and taking drugs inappropriately.
So how do you appropriately deal with grief after a divorce?
- Learn more about what to expect from grief. A good place to start is with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s seminal work on grief.
- Accept that your marriage is over. Much easier said than done when your divorce was unexpected, but it is possible.
- Consider professional, expert help.
- Create a support system of friends and family members who are supportive and have your best interest at heart.
- Avoid trying to think your way through the pain. You’ve got to feel it to release it even if it is incredibly uncomfortable.
- Look for the lessons in your pain. You can view emotions as guides. They guide us toward things we like and away from things that hurt if we pay attention to why we’re feeling what we feel. They can actually help us to become better versions of ourselves. (And isn’t that exactly what you need when you’re wondering if you can live a happy life again?)
Forgive
The opposite of forgiving is blaming. And it’s oh so easy to blame your ex for the destruction s/he has perpetrated in your life. After all it is because of his/her decision that you’re divorced and that your life has been destroyed.
Yet, blaming, no matter how much you can justify it, keeps you stuck. It keeps you tethered to your ex and to the past. It prevents you from being happy now.
So, forgiveness is necessary – not because you agree with what your ex did, but because you want to be happy again.
Then there’s the little voice inside your head that blames you for the divorce. The one that says if you’d only said or done this or that, then you wouldn’t be in the situation you’re in now.
You need to forgive yourself too. By doing so you’ll free yourself from the past. You’ll give yourself the opportunity to discover the lessons in the past, so you can do differently going forward.
Dream
Allow yourself to start imagining what being happy again would be like. What would you do? What types of people would you spend time with? Where would you live? How would you spend your free time?
When you first start dreaming, you probably won’t know what being happy again would be like. And that’s completely OK.
Just begin by imagining what happy feels like. Then, as you take time again and again to dream about being happy, you’ll slowly start discovering your answers. With them, you’ll be able to begin building your plan for creating a happy life for yourself.
Be present
Right now is the best time and place to be living your life – even if it isn’t ideal.
You can’t change the past. The more you try to do that, the more at risk for depression you become.
You can’t fast-forward to the future. The more you try to do that, the more impatient and stressed you become.
Now, right now is all that any of us have. The more present you can become to what’s real for you in this moment, the more ability you’ll have to change your circumstances and to have a happier life.
Love
Love isn’t necessarily about finding another partner. When it comes to creating and living a happy life after an unexpected divorce, love is first about appreciating and valuing yourself. It’s about self-care and being kind to yourself.
Love is also about enjoying what is. That doesn’t mean you have to pretend that everything is great. It just means you can cultivate the ability to find joy and/or beauty in what is.
Be brave
The only way to grieve, forgive, dream, be present and love is by being courageous. Moving forward into the unknown is scary. Yet, divorce gives each of us who faces it the opportunity to be more than we were before and bravely create a new vision for our lives.
Choose to be happy
Implicit in each of these suggestions is the desire to be happy and at least a small belief or hope that you can live a happy life again. (You definitely have this desire, belief and/or hope or you wouldn’t have chosen to read this article.)
Choosing to be happy will make each step of your journey easier. It will help you to remember what’s truly important to you.
Within each of these suggestions for creating a happy life for yourself is effort. It won’t necessarily be easy to forgive or choose to be happy. But the effort and struggle are worth it.
By putting in the necessary work, you will stop being the victim of an unexpected divorce. Instead, your divorce can become something that happened. And, it can even become the event that gave you the opportunity to create a different vision for yourself and a new happier life.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn and I’m a life coach. Schedule a 30-minute private consultation for support in discovering how you can live a happy life.
Looking for more information about how you can have a happier life? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Building A Happy Life.
How To Help Someone Dealing With Grief After Divorce
Simple and meaningful ideas to help you help them.
When you see someone you love struggling with the pain of divorce, it’s natural to want to help them get over their pain. Yet knowing how to help someone dealing with grief after divorce isn’t something that anyone naturally knows how to do. That’s because, unlike when someone is grieving the death of a loved one, we are without cultural norms for how we grieve the death of a marriage.
However, there are some clues to knowing how to help someone dealing with grief over divorce in our understanding of grieving a death.
You can expect anyone who is divorced or divorcing to be operating at less than their best – just as if they had suffered the loss of a loved one. Knowing that they may not have the energy or presence of mind to take care of some of the basic necessities, this is one area in which you can offer to help them.
They may need help with meals. They may need help with getting their children to and from school. They may need help doing yard work or housework. These are all little services we automatically think of doing or offering to help with when a friend loses a loved one to death. These are also the little services we can offer to help our friends and family who are grieving the death of their marriage.
Just as we can sit and listen to our friends and family talk about their sadness in losing a loved one as a way of showing we care. You can support your friend or family member dealing with grief after divorce by listening to them talk about their sadness and confusion about losing everything they thought their life was and all the dreams they had for the future with their ex.
Think about the rituals you and your family have for supporting someone who is grieving a death. How can you translate those rituals to support your friend or family member as they grieve the end of their marriage?
Another way to discover how to help someone dealing with grief after divorce is to think about what they will have to do to truly move on with their life.
Some of the strategies that people dealing with grief after a divorce are encouraged to employ include:
- Accept that your marriage is over.
- Consider professional, expert help.
- Create a support system.
- Don’t intellectualize your divorce.
- Let the grieving begin.
- Look for the lessons in your feelings.
- Let go of negative emotions.
- Rise above blame.
- Take great care of yourself.
- Don’t fill the void with another relationship.
- Envision a new future.
When you look at this list of strategies, what comes to mind? How might you support your friend or family member as they work through these strategies?
Perhaps you can let them know that you’re there for them. By doing so, you are helping them create a support system by volunteering to be part of it.
Perhaps you could let them know that you’re OK with them feeling however they feel. That they don’t need to pretend everything is OK when they’re around you.
Perhaps you could, when they are ready, encourage them to begin dreaming of how they would like their life to be in the future. And then that might allow you to encourage them as they begin reaching for their new dreams.
When you first think about how to help someone dealing with grief after divorce, it can be confusing because it’s natural to initially assume that grief after divorce is completely different from grief after a death. However, grief is grief.
And when you know that your friend or family member is hurting and needs your support to work through their pain and create a new version of their life, you can use the ideas above as a guide to offer your help and show your love.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach, who works with people who are searching for support dealing with grief after divorce. You can register to download my free e-book “What You Need To Know To FINALLY Start Healing From Your Divorce” and free weekly newsletter. To explore working with me, schedule an introductory 30-minute consultation.
Looking for more help coping with the heartbreak of divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Dealing With Grief.
How To Know If You Need To Stay In Your Miserable Marriage Or Divorce
Here are some ideas that can help you make the right decision for you.
Deciding whether to stay in your miserable marriage or divorce isn’t the no-brainer you might think. There are so many factors to consider, not the least of which is the nature and degree of your “misery” itself. Throw in children, finances, length of marriage, religion and other influencers, and your decision just got tougher.
When you feel paralyzed by a seemingly impossible decision, it’s only natural to want a superpower force to swoop in with the answer. But we all know that rarely happens. And when faced with the decision to stay in your miserable marriage or divorce, you are likely to get more questions than answers. Even Glenda the Good Witch would point her starred wand at your feet and remind you that the answer lies within you.
In other words, you got yourself into this marriage. >You have to do the painful work of deciding whether and how to stay in it. Help is always available for those who seek it. But only you can decide to accept it.
(However, there are certain circumstances that demand you divorce. Find out what those are in this article: How To Know When You MUST Get A Divorce.)
Every marriage is as unique as the partners entering into it. Each spouse comes to the altar with a life history full of experiences that either strengthen or weaken a marriage. And the marriage becomes the stage on which those strengths prove their worth and those weaknesses rear their ugly heads. It is both sanctuary and healing ground. But it is always a place to learn and grow.
As you take stock of your unhappiness, it’s important to remember that all love relationships navigate through predictable stages. John Gottman consolidates the journey through love to three stages. Other sources expand to five, seven, or even twelve stages of love.
The “aha” moment in all of these explanations of love’s course is that too many people give up too early. They stop at the disillusionment stage> – right when reality sets in. This is the time in a marriage when the hormonal veil of “he’s so perfect…she’s an angel” evaporates. And now the real fun begins.
Or at least the work.
There are many signs of an unhappy marriage. You may have a few or you may have many. But chances are you have at least one. No relationship survives unscathed. Stretch marks, after all, are a sign of growth.
So, when deciding whether to stay in your miserable marriage or divorce, try to filter the signs of discontent through that reality check.
Here are some of the biggies when it comes to signs of an unhappy marriage:
- Sex has all but disappeared.
This is important because intimacy is what distinguishes romantic love from all other relationships. Even the lack of visible affection – hugs, kisses, hand-holding – can be a sign that something is very wrong.
- You fantasize about a happy life with someone else.
The mental escape into a fantasy of happiness that doesn’t include your spouse is the start of emotional detachment. Even if you don’t have a specific person in mind, the fact that you have excluded your spouse is telling. It’s a way of starting the numbing process so that the pain of possible separation in the future won’t be as great.
- You don’t feel heard and/or you don’t listen.
We all hunger to be heard at a deep, soulful level. Feeling heard is equivalent to feeling validated. Feeling validated is equivalent to feeling valued. And feeling valued is equivalent to feeling loved. Indifference or disregard is like a stripping away of that value…and ultimately of love.
- There is abuse.
This sign of marital unhappiness stands apart from all the others because it requires immediate intervention and separation.If you are being abused – physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually – you need to get help. Even if your abuser refuses to get help, you need to secure safety for yourself, your children, and any pets you may have.
There is no amount of your “being better” that is going to make an abuser a better spouse. Abuse is a cycle with deep psychological roots, and it needs the help of trained professionals.
- There is addiction.
Regardless of the source of addiction – alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling – you run the risk of codependency if you stay. Even if you do stay, you will both need to get help for your individual roles so that you can lead a healthy life without enabling the addict.Because addiction is often interwoven with violence and other forms of abuse, it is a valid ground for separation or divorce.
The majority of reasons for marital unhappiness center around communication and unmet expectations. Couples don’t know how to express their feelings and needs, so they detach or act out.
You have to believe that “if you knew better, you would do better.” That is both logic and wisdom that comes with maturity. But couples rarely invest the time to “know better” before entering into marriage. After all, they are both “perfect” in one another’s eyes, so therefore their marriage will always be perfect. Or so they hope and hold onto believing.
There is no magic formula for helping you to know if you need to stay in your miserable marriage or divorce. But if you haven’t examined the source(s) of your unhappiness and how you reached that point, then you have work to do.
Research has shown that people who report unhappiness at some point in their marriage almost always end up happy if they stick it out. In other words, unhappiness is rarely permanent.
The deciding factor is first deciding that the unhappiness is temporary and approachable. The next step is using the unhappiness as a springboard for growth, however inconvenient that may be at the time.
Did you go into marriage assuming you knew all you needed to know about communication and relationships? If so, go easy on yourself – most of us do. But use the wake-up call as a motivation to get counseling and invest in the dynamics of a healthy marriage.
Think about how different your marriage would look if you both knew effective ways to express your concerns, needs, wants…and love. Think about what your parenting skills would look like if your marital skills were better. What kind of relationship modeling and stability would you provide your children if you were first better spouses?
Ultimately, the only way to know if you need to stay in your miserable marriage or divorce is to examine what you have done to save it. No one said that would be easy. But the real reason you married in the first place is that, deep down, you knew it would be worth it.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach who helps people, just like you, who question whether to stay in a miserable marriage or divorce. You can download your FREE copy of “Contemplating Divorce? Here’s What You Need To Know”. And if you’re interested in working with me personally, you can book an introductory 30-minute private coaching session with me.
Looking for more ideas for what to do about your unhappy marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
The 6 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Healing After A Divorce Or Breakup
Commit to avoiding the mistakes that only make things worse.
It sucks. It just does. The hurt, the anger, the loss (of seemingly everything — companionship, security, self-esteem). The process of healing after a divorce or breakup can feel like insult on injury. It’s tough enough trying to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. But now you have to fight against being your own worst enemy.
The inherent challenge of moving on from a breakup is fighting the urge to connect. You build a relationship by striving in all you do to connect more genuinely, more intimately. To suddenly have that call-to-action ripped out from under you is a real blow. It’s like expecting a moving train to stop on a dime and go back to where it came from.
But whether or not it is apparent to you now, this time of healing after a divorce or breakup is a time of great potential. Sure, you didn’t want or plan to be here. But the beauty of life is that it is an equal-opportunity benefactor, and it imbues every situation with opportunities for exponential growth.
If you’re in the process of healing after a divorce or breakup and feel maddened by the frustrations and temptations, read on. Sometimes the message of “what to do” is more impactful if written as “what not to do.”
You may recognize your own behavior in the following mistakes people make in the aftermath of a breakup. But don’t stress. Absorb the recognition and the lessons as to why those mistakes don’t serve your effort to move on. And trust that everything is falling into place to facilitate your highest good and happiness.
Here are the 6 biggest mistakes people make when healing after a divorce or breakup.
- Contacting your ex right after the breakup.
Yes, it’s natural. You’ve been calling and texting your ex all day every day for so long you almost don’t know how not to. But now you want to know what your ex is thinking, doing, feeling. You instinctively want to keep tabs, vent your anger, and hear those three-word phrases, “I miss you,” “I love you.”Rushing to contact your ex only delays your healing after a breakup or divorce. It’s like pushing the hold button and keeping the relationship — even in an unhealthy state — alive. One more day on life support, with no promise of a future.
When you resist the natural urge to contact your ex for anything other than essential business (e.g. kids), you start healing. You may not feel the healing, but you will be growing stronger from your self-control.
- Obsessing over your ex’s social media presence.
Okay, so, if you can’t make contact directly, why not do it indirectly? Sit in bed with nothing but your smartphone to light up your tear-stained face, and stalk your ex in private.Head straight to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Look for any sign of happiness or despair in your ex’s life. Expand photos and evaluate facial expressions and anyone who might be hiding in the background. Read all the comment streams to see what your mutual friends know and say. Check to make sure you are still on your ex’s friends list and in his or her old posts and photos. Just. Keep. Hanging. On.
Surely this isn’t how you see yourself five years from now, so why start now? You have a thousand other social media friends who are cheering you on.
Take the plunge and unfollow/unfriend the one who is no longer central to your life. Set some boundaries and protect yourself from seeing things that will upset you during this vulnerable time.
- Showing up in all those old, familiar places.
Remember that, just as you weren’t the only person in your relationship, you aren’t the only one in your breakup. Both of you are drowning in emotions and lifestyle adjustments. Both of you need to find a way to move on. And neither of you will ever achieve that vision of love and happiness by lurking in the shadows of something that will never be.Granted, you may legitimately bump into one another at some point. But take your ex’s favorite haunts off autopilot and fight the urge to see if s/he is home by curfew. You both need space and time for healing after a divorce or breakup.
- “Casually” asking mutual friends about your ex.
You want to know. I get it. But chances are you don’t even know what you want to know. Do you want to hear that your ex’s world has fallen apart? That s/he is miserable without you?Your curiosity in these early stages of a breakup are usually about putting bandaids on some of your own emotions.
Someday, when you’ve come through all the hurt and you look back on this relationship as a mere stepping stone to happiness, you will understand. And your curiosity will be genuine and grounded in a desire for your ex’s happiness, too.
In the meantime, don’t put your friends on the spot. Your breakup was (and probably still is) hard on them, too.
- Wallowing in your misery and isolating from the world. You may feel on the outside of all your friendships now that you are single. And if you’d made your ex your whole world, it may have been some time since you were really part of “the group.” But this is no time to waste away in the corner of your shattered life. Remember, when you’re healing after a divorce or breakup, life sends you nurses in the form of friends. And just as your friends want to be there for you, you need to allow their love to do its work.
Trust that goodness will bring about more goodness. And allow yourself to feel the love.
- Rushing to get into a new relationship.
You may know it with your head, but your heart may not want to hear it. You’re not ready to get into a new relationship when you’re still healing from a divorce or breakup.Feeling lonely isn’t a good enough reason to take the plunge. And no amount of blaming your ex for your problems and breakup is going to give you good reason, either.
You need this time to grieve your loss and learn from this relationship, not seek to replace it.
It’s also essential that you spend time examining your own role in your relationship. How did you nurture it, and how did you contribute to its erosion? Rushing to fill the void of love in your life is usually an indication that you don’t want to look at your own responsibility.
Besides, the last thing you need is to get on a dating app and see your ex on there. Trust that you have love all around you in just the ways that are necessary for your healing and future happiness.
Healing after a divorce or breakup can be messy. And, as with a bad cold that gets passed around a home, you may wonder when you will ever feel better.
Sometimes the best step forward is simply not taking a step backwards. If all you do in the early stages is to commit to avoiding the mistakes that only make things worse, you will be making progress. And you can give yourself a boost of confidence with these 7 signs that you are healing.
Trust life to show up for your greater good. And most importantly, trust yourself to recognize when it does. You’ve got this.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people just like you with healing after a divorce or breakup. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about getting over the end of your marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Healing After Divorce.
How To Take Charge Of Your Quality Of Life After Divorce
You can beat divorce – if you’re willing to do the work.
The aftermath of divorce can wreak havoc with your heart and play all kinds of tricks with your mind. As if the shock, grief, and change in everything aren’t enough, you also have to worry about your quality of life after divorce. Where will I live? How will I make it financially? Will I spend the rest of my life alone?
The truth can be of little consolation when your life has come unhinged. And yet, there is consolation in the fact that the truth is just that — the truth. When you feel no stability and no familiarity, you can at least look to that beacon of hope that is steadfast.
And the truth is this: You have more control over your quality of life after divorce than you think you do.
You will have choices to make, however. And you will have to take accountability — for the past, for the future, and especially for the present. You may not be able to undo your divorce, but you can take charge of your quality of life after divorce.
The biggest choice you will have to make is who is going to win — your divorce or you. You alone get to choose whether you go down with your failed marriage or learn powerful lessons from it and rise to a better life.
How do you know if you aren’t taking control over your quality of life after divorce? These are some of the easy-to-do but not-good-for-moving-on behaviors you might catch yourself in.
- Stalking your ex on social media.It’s so difficult not to do this. Even those who don’t like social media can’t escape it. And you and your ex probably have a lot of common friends, not to mention a forever-documented history of your life together.But if your Facebook check-in involves rushing to your ex’s page to see what he or she is up to, you are allowing your divorce to control you. Is your ex going out without you? Dating again? Smiling without you? Taking that trip you were always going to take together?
If you are going to take charge of your quality of life after divorce, you will have to consciously fight the urge to “go there.” If you have to unfollow or unfriend your ex to remove the temptation to keep tabs, then do so.
How does this help you determine the quality of your own life? First, there is nothing to be gained from constantly immersing yourself in the energy of your ex’s life. You both have to move on.
Second, each time you resist the temptation, you take a positive step forward. It may not feel like it at the time, but it’s one small step for today, one giant leap for your life tomorrow.
- Following your ex or showing up accidentally.
As the saying goes, there are no accidents. You may have some genuinely accidental run-ins. But if you are intentionally detouring through your ex’s neighborhood on your way home or showing up at his/her favorite spots, you’re stalling your own progress.Ask yourself, “What am I hoping to see? Will I be happy if his car is there? Suspicious if there is another car in the driveway? Will I swell up with jealousy if I see her having coffee with another guy? What do I want my ex to think or feel if we bump into one another? What are my true intentions — that I should be the first one to be happy? That my ex isn’t allowed to be happy without me?”
How does controlling this urge help you take charge of your quality of life after divorce? Again, it is one small urge resistance that pushes you out of the familiar pull of a relationship to which you can’t return.Your life on earth is finite. Why would you want to spend it on a dead-end street hoping to see that someone you once loved is also miserable? The world is a lot bigger than that. And so are you.
- Trying to skip the grief by finding a replacement.
Surely it feels unfair that something you didn’t bargain for on your wedding day is now putting your life on hold. Maybe you didn’t want the divorce. But now you are expected to grieve it before you can move on with your life?Grief is inevitable. And yet, it also carries an element of choice. You alone decide whether you will embrace the process and its lessons or stay in denial and reject it. No amount of “getting back out there” into the dating world is going to send grief packing.
When you accept that grief is a natural journey, you have the support of the universe to get you through it. You also have the assurance that on the other end of grief’s dark beginning is acceptance and liberation.
Believe it or not, hope is the companion of grief. And it is the greatest friend you can ask for when taking charge of your quality of life after divorce.
In addition to consciously avoiding behaviors that keep you stuck, there are proactive behaviors that will propel forward your quality of life after divorce.
- Let go of blame, regret, and guilt.
This is a process that takes time. It also takes a lot of introspection, even working-through with a therapist or other support system.Think of these negative players as pawns on a chess board. They take up space and you have to work around them or get rid of them. When you clear them out, you open up the playing space of your life to make bigger and better things happen.
And when you accept responsibility for your own contributions to your divorce, you grow up a little more. All of a sudden you realize that, just like you, everyone else (including your ex) is on a journey of “growing up.”
There is enough blame to go around. There is also enough love to go around. Choose the latter, and life will unfold beautifully before your eyes.
- Choose forgiveness.
Of yourself. Of your ex. Hand everything and everyone that is a challenge to you over to your Higher Power. Forgive so that you can be forgiven. Forgive so the negativity doesn’t take up any more space on your chess board. Forgive so love can do its work.
- Learn, learn, learn!
Choose to see your challenges as opportunities to see what you might otherwise not have seen. Allow the light to reveal those areas that need correction, and make them.Life is all about lessons. Learn them and move on, or ignore them and stay stuck. One way or another, life is always blessing you with the opportunity to be happy.
- Ask for help.
You are only as alone as you choose to be. Divorce can leave you feeling vulnerable, afraid, lonely, and even unsociable. But it also gives you the opportunity to welcome new people and resources into your life.Your new financial situation may push you to learn about areas formerly handled by your spouse. And so you stretch, grow, and become more self-sufficient.
Perhaps you need help with your children so you can work, and suddenly you have a “village” that becomes your lifeline. “Ask, and it will be given to you.”
- Practice gratitude.
Be grateful for all you have and all you can do. And as you work on letting go and forgiving, allow gratitude to remind you of all the gifts and lessons you received during your marriage.Gratitude keeps you grounded in the present, even as it reminds you of the gifts of the past. It keeps you from wanting what you don’t or shouldn’t have. It is the most beautiful, natural way to recognize that your quality of life after divorce is as extraordinary and simple as “thank you.”
Taking charge of your quality of life after divorce isn’t all about financial and materialistic quality. If it were, you could stay clinging and stuck for the rest of your life.
Your quality of life is a reflection of your own way of seeing your life. What is important to you? What truly matters to you?
And, most importantly, do you trust yourself…and do you trust life…to manifest it?
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. If you’d like additional support in creating a good life after divorce, you can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice or you can schedule a 30-minute private consultation with me.
Looking for more information about how to start over after divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Life After Divorce.
The Pros & Cons Of Co-Parenting Without Talking
It’s possible, but is it in the best interest of your kids?
If divorce were only about you and your ex, you could go your silent, separate ways. No more having to compromise, negotiate, or listen to stories that have bored you for years. No more arguing, fuming, or fighting to be heard. No more “talking about it” when you just want to go ahead and do things your own way. But if you have children, co-parenting without talking won’t be so convenient.
Compared to custody and parenting arrangements from only a few decades ago, co-parenting is like a ‘180.’ No single parent is in charge, and focus is on the highest good of the children.
The key component to co-parenting is healthy communication. And, considering you may have divorced because of unhealthy communication, it may sound crazy to expect the two of you rise to the occasion now.
There can be a number of reasons that parents stop talking after a divorce. Jobs, personal schedules, new partners, shame, jealousy, incompatible communication styles, and even outright dislike for one another can cut the communication lines.
There are additional parenting options to co-parenting. Without talking to one another, you and your ex will have extra challenges if you choose to go the co-parenting route. And no matter which model you choose, you will both have to rise to the task of putting your children first.
Why is co-parenting without talking such an oxymoron? Because co-parenting is built around the assumption of healthy communication. In fact, the twelve characteristics of healthy co-parenting all tie back to this essential.
Here are a few key components to healthy co-parenting.
- Open dialogue between parents.
Schedule and rule changes don’t go through the kids. They are handled between the parents first. (Sounds like being married, doesn’t it?) - No bad-mouthing of the other parent.
That goes for the kids as well as for you. Your kids are still evolving into their identities, and both of their parents contribute to that lasting sense of self. Remind them of what’s good in the other parent, and save your personal issues for your support group. - Consistency with rules in both households.
This is one of the most distinguishing characteristics of co-parenting compared to parallel parenting.You are trying to make your kids’ lives consistent, dependable, and at least somewhat predictable. Your goal isn’t to trump your ex’s rules on homework, but to give your kids a sense of a unified homefront, despite two households.
- Amicable interactions at school and in public.
Don’t embarrass your kids. Don’t make them dread having both parents present at their sporting events and birthday parties. Be the adult you are trying to raise your kids to be.
So, if raising kids demands so much communication from parents who have no interest in speaking with one another, is co-parenting without talking possible? And if it is, what can you expect in the way of pros and cons?
The key to healthy co-parenting may be communication. But communication can be packaged in a variety of ways.
If you and your ex are truly committed to co-parenting vs. sole guardianship or parallel parenting, then you have to rise to the occasion. You may not feel warm and fuzzy about chatting on the phone or making nice in person. But you do have to choose how you will communicate – text, email, online schedulers – and commit to doing so in a healthy way.
What are some pros to co-parenting without talking?
- You can focus only on your kids.
As long as you are committed to the happiness and welfare of your kids, you can make co-parenting work with some detachment.If you are still stewing over marital hurts, you may not be ready to enter into conversation with your ex. But make sure your interactions are respectful, non-sarcastic, and completely focused on what’s best for the kids.
- You don’t risk provoking or being provoked.
It can take years to process a divorce, even with the greatest intention to do so. And during that time, the mere sound of an ex’s voice – his/her, word choice, innuendos – can be a trigger. It doesn’t take much to “go back there” when talking with an ex you still resent or don’t fully trust, let alone like.If you choose co-parenting without talking, you can keep matters businesslike and child-focused. No emotion. No squabbling. No escalations.
- You have greater distance and emotional detachment from your ex.
Talking connects people. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t be so integral to creating intimacy.Even negative talking is a connector in that it attaches you to the energy of what is said and how it is said. Verbal abuse wouldn’t be so damaging if that weren’t the case.
By not having to talk with your ex by phone or in person, you can detach from that verbal energy. And hopefully, with time and self-examination, you can both heal from the negative emotions connected to your relationship.
- You have a plan to live by…in writing.
If you aren’t going to talk, you’re going to have to write. And that means documentation. Texts, emails, written notes, online schedulers, shared correspondence with teachers and doctors – you have information in black-and-white.“I will be picking Lucy up from school at 2:00 to go to Dr. Caldwell’s.” “Today’s soccer practice has been cancelled due to rain.” “I will be overseas on business Tuesday. Will you send notes from the PTA meeting?” It’s all about the kids.
Obviously there are also cons to co-parenting without talking. After all, the ideal arrangement involves open communication between both parents.
Even with the above positives, there are going to be some negatives. Here are a few.
- You risk not presenting a unified front.
The benefit of a text is that it tends to be to-the-point and lacking in emotion (excluding multiple exclamation points and orange-faced emojis).The drawback of a text is that it tends to be to-the-point and lacking in emotion. It also lacks details that are more easily expressed in verbal communication.
A key element of co-parenting is consistency between households. And that means that, even without being married, parents have to present a unified front.
This is especially important as kids enter their teens and become more independent. They will inevitably test and push boundaries. And both parents will have to stand together as one in establishing rules and doling out discipline. Again, focus on the kids.
- You risk using your kids as a channel for communication.
You are still responsible for communicating with your ex first on all matters regarding rules and schedules for your kids.Talking takes less time than sending emails or logging into an online account. And it can be tempting to tell your kid, “Tell your dad we need to rearrange our weeks because of the upcoming trip to Grandma’s.”
This becomes a slippery slope into using your children as a go-between in your relationship with your ex.
- It’s more difficult to maintain consistency between homes.
If you were still married, you would most likely verbalize the little things that make a big difference. Now that you need to uphold rules and make consistent changes across two households, not talking can pose a big challenge. - It’s more difficult to resolve issues involving your kids’ behavior.
Your pre-pubescent 12-year-old isn’t a toddler anymore. And, while his behavior as a pre-teen may make you wonder, he needs different parenting now than he did then. And that includes (especially) direction and discipline regarding behavior and choices.If you were still married, do you think you would be able to accomplish this effectively by leaving Post-It notes for your spouse? Co-parenting without talking doesn’t make it any easier.
- Your kids don’t get to watch their parents model healthy conflict resolution and civil behavior.
Ideally, co-parented children get to observe their divorced parents resolving differences in a healthy, effective way. They get to experience a sense of family in public without being embarrassed, ashamed, or afraid.They grow up knowing that their parents love, support, and prioritize them. And they learn how to become healthy, communicative adults themselves in the process of growing up.
When you are co-parenting without talking, your children lose this experiential learning. They see little to no communication between their parents, and therefore have to learn those essential relationship and parenting skills elsewhere.
Parenting is the most demanding, important job in the world. And those demands and importance don’t dwindle after a divorce.
While co-parenting may be the ideal arrangement for children, the parents have to be prepared and committed to what is required of it. Co-parenting without talking, while not ideal, is definitely possible. But it does require mutual commitment, diligence, and respect.
For parents who can’t get past their mutual animosity and can’t make co-parenting work, alternatives like parallel parenting may be worth considering.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people figure out how they can best co-parent post-divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule a private first session.
Looking for more information about how to handle co-parenting? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Co-Parenting.
How To Get Over Resentment After An Affair And Start Living Your Life Again
Three steps to help you put the past behind you.
There are no words to adequately describe the shock and pain of betrayal. It shakes the foundation of not only your relationship, but of your reality – all of it. And you resent it. You resent the action that your spouse or partner took to destroy everything you thought your life was. Yet you also know that you can’t continue living this way and you start wondering how to get over resentment after an affair.
Luckily getting over it is possible. And it all starts with understanding what resentment is.
What is resentment?
According to dictionary.com, resentment is the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. And, of course, this is technically correct. However, it pales when you consider resentment that is due to infidelity.
When you feel resentment because your spouse has cheated on you, describing it as simply displeasure or indignation seems trite. Resentment after an affair is crushing. It lays you bare and exposes insecurities and fears you never imagined were possible.
It’s also overwhelming. It can consume you every time you see the person who betrayed you, the one who was supposed to love and care for you above all others and yet didn’t. It can make you feel trapped. On the one hand you can’t imagine ever getting past the pain and on the other you can’t imagine going on without him/her.
(Believe it or not, your spouse/partner can also feel resentment too. But that’s a topic for another article.)
Feeling resentment is normal
Being betrayed feels extremely unfair and undeserved. It’s this feeling of the affair being a selfish act that leads to resentment. Why should s/he be able to get away with destroying your relationship, marriage, and/or life – not to mention what it’s done to your children?
According to Dr. Steven Stosny, resentment is a defensive way of devaluing and mentally retaliating against those whom you perceive to be treating you unfairly.
It’s natural to want to get even for the hurt your betrayer has caused. And resentment is a less outwardly aggressive way of trying to get even. It’s also a way to keep yourself stuck in the hurt – so you don’t forget it and take a chance of being hurt like this again and so s/he doesn’t get a chance to forget it either.
To truly heal after an affair, you need to release the resentment.
How to get over resentment after an affair
For most, releasing resentment takes effort and focus. It’s not something that typically happens like flipping a switch, but the more you focus on the following three steps the more completely you’ll be able to let it go.
- Recognize it for what it is Resentment is a tie to the past. It keeps you stuck and prevents you from fully moving forward with your life.So every day you feel resentful because of the affair s/he had, you’re stealing the joy you could be experiencing that day from yourself.
- Choose how you want to live your life going forward
If resentment is anchoring you to the past, the best way to help you live more in the present is to choose how you want to be living now and in the future. As the old saying goes, you can’t drive a car by looking in the rearview mirror. You’ve got to look forward and know where you want to take your life. - Do what you must to move forward
Sometimes it’s easy to know what you need to do to move toward the life you want and sometimes it’s not. The real secret here is to just keep doing what you believe you need to do to get closer to the life you want to live now.That might mean rebuilding your marriage. It might mean ending your marriage. When you know what you want in your life and continually choose to release the ties to the past that are keeping you stuck, you’ll be able to do what you must to move forward.
Feeling resentment after your spouse/partner has cheated is natural. His/her actions were selfish and unfair to you and your life together. You have a right to be upset
However, getting stuck in resentment means that you’re continuing to use the hurt they inflicted to hurt yourself. Instead of being caught up in the cycle of pain, you can use the three steps outlined above to begin the process of getting over resentment after an affair your spouse had and start truly living your life again.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I work with individuals struggling with how to get over resentment after an affair. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more information about dealing with marital infidelity? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Surviving Infidelity.
12 Strategies For Dealing With Grief After A Divorce
You’re not destined to be stuck in the misery grief. You can move through it and be happy again.
Say the word ‘grief,’ and chances are those listening will wonder who died. We expect the dark, flooding overwhelm of emotions after a loved one dies. And we tend to be compassionate and patient with a process born out of loss that no one could control. But when you or someone else is dealing with grief after a divorce, the expectations are often less compassionate, patient…and understood.
There are several types of grief, and only bereavement is a specific response to death. That means that loss in a myriad of forms can start the clock on the grieving process. It’s a natural process, despite how foreign, complicated, and oppressive its emotional grasp can feel.
Since grief is such a natural process, and everyone experiences it at different times, in different forms, it’s worth talking about how to get through it.
Dealing with grief after a divorce is no different. Nearly 50% of marriages (and 41% of first marriages) in the United States will end in divorce or separation. Divorce grief is therefore a high-odds reality.
Depending on your source of information, grief will be outlined in five or seven stages. They are not absolutes, nor do they map out a linear journey. They are a framework for responding to loss, no matter the nature of that loss.
The five stages of grief originally outlined by grief-research Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
(Subsequent publications of longer lists add pain and fear after denial, and guilt after bargaining.)
When dealing with grief after a divorce, a lot of the things you might think matter actually don’t. Who initiated the divorce doesn’t matter. Why the divorce happened doesn’t matter. Sure, you will have specific feelings in response to these topics. But they won’t change the fact that there is going to be a grieving process.
So, it makes sense that the first step in dealing with grief after a divorce is accepting that there is going to be grief. You may even (think you) hate your ex and want nothing to do with him/her. And yet, you will still find yourself trying to claw your way out of all those painful feelings like anger and depression.
You have, after all, lost more than just ‘a marriage.’ You have lost your right to access and believe in all the little pieces that made it up. You have lost your long-held dream and vision for the future as a couple or family. You have lost your routine, your unregulated time with your children, and perhaps your home, financial security, and self-confidence.
Strategies for dealing with grief after a divorce rely on one constant from you: that you allow yourself to feel. You will be tempted to avoid, distract from, and even deny your feelings as they come out of nowhere, screaming for attention. You will be tempted to simply move on, find someone new, forget your ex exists.
But your feelings are your reminder that you are alive, that you lost something important, and that you are capable of loving again.
Here are 12 strategies for dealing with grief after a divorce:
- Accept that your marriage is over. This acceptance isn’t comparable to the final stage of grief that allows you to move forward with your life without lamenting the past. This is simply an acceptance of a new reality and a willingness to step up and embrace the process ahead.Usually it is just a cognitive acceptance until your heart gets around to fully accepting the divorce, too. “My marriage is over. I’m still shocked, confused, and numb. I don’t have a clue what’s going to happen or what my life is going to look like. But I’m now divorced, and I have to face the painful process of grieving and healing.”
- Consider professional, expert help.
There is no better time to reach out to a therapist, divorce or life coach than when your own life feels completely unfamiliar. The road ahead is going to be long and twisted, and having the objective help of an expert can keep you on course.
- Create a support system.
In addition to having a trusted professional on your divorce journey, surround yourself with supportive friends and family. It’s not uncommon for friendships to divide when a marriage divides. But that loss will only serve to make your true friends and allies stand out. Keep them close, and allow them to help rebuild your self-confidence and self-worth. - Don’t intellectualize your divorce.
We all know what it’s like to escape into our heads where we can analyze a grain of sand to death. Intellectualizing is a convenient way to avoid feeling.
When dealing with grief after a divorce, it’s essential that you embrace your feelings as they present themselves. Trust yourself to handle the discomfort. And remember that you have the back-up of your support system. - Let the grieving begin.
Knowing ahead of time what the grieving process entails can help you get to the starting line. Trust that your feelings are natural. And trust that you are moving through something, not dancing around something that will never end.
- Look for the lessons in your feelings.
Even the most negative, painful feelings come bearing gifts. They all carry messages intended to help you heal and become the best version of yourself.
Trusting your feelings is just another way of trusting yourself. And now is when you need to trust yourself more than ever.
- Let go of negative emotions.
This doesn’t mean “don’t feel them.” It means “don’t let the ugly emotions stick around indefinitely.” Feel them as they arise. Ask them what they have come to teach you. Meditate on and journal about the answer. Then release the emotions.
This will be a repeated process of baby steps, so wash, rinse, repeat. (Emphasis on the rinse.) - Rise above blame.
Every relationship involves two people working out their own stuff in the company of a partner. And everything that happens in that relationship is the result of what both people bring to the issue or event.
You are moving into a phase of your life where you won’t be able to turn and blame your spouse because s/he won’t be there. You can only work on yourself. So start now. Brave the inner examination that will reveal your own responsibility within your marriage — the good and the bad.
This will push you ahead faster than just about any other strategy for dealing with grief after a divorce. - Forgive.
Forgive your ex. Forgive yourself. One disappointment, betrayal, and hurt at a time.
As you work on taking responsibility for your own contributions to your divorce, forgiveness will become easier. - Take great care of yourself.
Grief isn’t simply emotional. It has physical effects, too. This is a time when it’s especially important to get enough sleep, eat nutritionally, exercise, and find sources of positivity.
Be kind to yourself. How would you nurture a friend whose world had been ripped out from under him/her? Embrace yourself with the same TLC.
- Don’t fill the void with another relationship.
Grief is a very personal journey, even when you have others to help you through it. And dealing with grief after a divorce can be especially difficult when you want nothing more than to be in a committed relationship.
But the fluctuating emotional context of grief is no foundation for a new relationship. Work through your stuff. Get comfortable being on your own so you can distinguish between wanting and needing a relationship.
Besides, you owe it to any potential partner to be your best self and to have a lot to offer.
- Envision a new future.
Remember that future you lost sight of when you were going through your divorce? It’s time to envision a new one.But now the slate is clean. You can fill it however you want. And you can do it a little at a time and change it as you go. What matters is that you start seeing happy possibilities for your life.
Dealing with grief after a divorce can seem like an unfair burden on top of an already crumbled world. But you have the choice to accompany your grief with gratitude. Be grateful for all that has been and for all the lessons your feelings have to teach you.
Most importantly, trust yourself to get through the grief, even when it circles back around (which it will). When you realize, little by little, that you are the person you can trust to get through anything, you will get through everything.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach, who works with people just like you who are searching for support dealing with grief after a divorce. For free weekly advice, register for my newsletter. To explore working with me, schedule an introductory 30-minute consultation.
Looking for more help coping with the heartbreak of divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Dealing With Grief.
What Healing A Broken Heart After Divorce Requires
When you can truly hear what your pain is trying to tell you, you’ll be able to heal.
Books are written about it. Counselors specialize in it. And yet, there is no magic formula for healing a broken heart after divorce. Just as two people come together to write a unique story as a couple, so each must write a story of healing after divorce.
Perhaps the most unfair, difficult-to-accept reality of healing a broken heart after divorce is that there is going to be pain. Pain beyond what the divorce itself caused. Pain proportional to the love you once gave, the joy you once felt, the investment you once made.
The famous Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran wrote of joy and sorrow as equal influences on the heart:
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
And so it is with healing a broken heart after divorce. The more your marriage meant to you, the greater your sorrow (and pain) will be after it ends. Because it mattered, so too will your path to renewal.
Grieving the loss of your marriage, let alone actually healing and moving forward, can be an emotional rollercoaster.
As if the process isn’t painful enough, divorce is unique in the way it can carry shame, embarrassment, and isolation in its wake. If your supposed support system is urging you to “move on” with your life, you may try to bypass your grief.
The danger in trying to avoid your feelings is that they will always be there until you deal with them. They are as much a part of your experience as your marriage was. And denying them their rightful attention can lead to depression, anxiety, addiction, and/or physical illness. It can also keep you stuck in unhealthy behaviors and relationships.
The first step toward healing a broken heart after divorce, therefore, is accepting that you will have to go through some pain. That means accepting your current reality as just that — a reality. Only then can you address it and change it.
Fighting or resisting your current situation will only keep you stuck in a cycle of pain. Denying your feelings, telling yourself you shouldn’t have them, distracting from experiencing them — all serve to perpetuate the inevitable.
As you go through the stages of grief, you may be surprised by the emotions that come up. You may also be frustrated that ones you thought you had worked through come back up again without warning.
There is an important distinction in dealing with pain, however. It’s natural to be triggered by memories and things that remind you of your marriage. Favorite restaurants, songs, rituals — your mind could go on forever finding reasons to delve back into misery.
Sitting with your emotions is not an excuse to stay stuck by turning your pain into a mental habit. “Every time I hear our song…every time I see a couple holding hands…every time I remember what s/he did to me….”
It’s also, however, not an excuse to disparage your emotions or act as if they are unwarranted. After all, feelings are. Literally, feelings are. They aren’t right or wrong. They are part of your reality and need to be acknowledged for the messages they contain.
Sitting with your emotions is a discipline. It is a commitment to your own healing that says, “I will be a safe place for this pain to tell its story…and then move on.”
Healing a broken heart after divorce is about allowing your pain to move through you. And that requires acceptance and compassion on your part.
Instead of rejecting your anger or your capacity or right to feel it, meditate on it. Journal about it. Ask it to tell you its story. And dare to ask it its story from your ex’s viewpoint.
Whatever painful thoughts and emotions come up, give them your full, undistracted attention. Remember that they have a story to tell, and they want to be heard before they move on. Trust that they are present as necessary agents of your healing. And if you allow them their say, they will eventually go on their way.
Your goal is to find healthy ways to comfort yourself and cope when the pain presents itself.
How you talk to yourself is critical to restoring your self-confidence and strength. And where you choose to place yourself to experience joy and renewal — in nature, with friends, in creativity — is just as critical.
Next, take responsibility for your role in the loss of your marriage. It’s easy to dump all the blame on a spouse who cheated or betrayed the marriage through some other egregious act. But it takes a self-aware person to examine his/her contribution, in all its nuances, and accept responsibility for its effect on the marriage – even if your only contribution was marrying your ex in the first place.
It’s also easy to take credit for “all the little things” you did to show love to your spouse and marriage. It’s very difficult, even humiliating, however, to acknowledge “all the little ways” you withheld love or neglected your spouse and marriage.
But that acknowledgment is an essential key to your healing and growth. In addition to helping you deal with the painful reality of your divorce, it will inspire your personal development into a more evolved person. And that means you will be better prepared for a healthy, deeply intimate relationship in the future.
Perhaps the most liberating — and difficult — step toward healing a broken heart after divorce is forgiveness. And no one is more difficult to forgive than oneself.
You may have a laundry list of offenses for which (you believe) your ex needs to be forgiven. But your willingness and ability to forgive yourself will be the most powerful expression of permission to move on with your life.
Another essential component of healing a broken heart after divorce is gratitude. The mere word may sound counter-intuitive when hurt and resentment are in overdrive. But gratitude, like forgiveness, is incredibly liberating.
Remember that you and your spouse once fell in love. You recognized qualities in one another that were enrichments to your individual and collective lives. And you may have children who will forever reflect back to you the best (and worst) of who you are and were. You have much to be grateful for, and that doesn’t evaporate with a divorce decree.
Finally, plant seeds for your future, both in your mind and in your daily life. Envision. Dream. Learn. Grow. Evolve. Rise.
And, just as you make space for the pain of divorce to tell you its story, make space for hope to write a new one.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. I help people just like you with healing a broken heart after divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.