Posts Tagged ‘getting over divorce’

The longer you blame them, the more you’re hurting yourself.

There are tons of reasons why people blame their ex for their divorce. Among the more common reasons are giving up, unwilling to work on saving the marriage, too argumentative, and unrealistic expectations.

And these are wholly justifiable reasons for feeling angry and hurt about your ex taking your dreams of celebrating your 50^th anniversary together and grinding them to dust without an ounce of remorse.

However, if you continue to focus on blaming your ex you’re only hurting yourself (and your kids).

Getting over divorce requires a lot of things including that you get over blaming your ex.

By continuing to blame your ex for the end of your marriage, you’re making your divorce more contentious. The increased friction has three main effects. First, all the arguing makes coming to a settlement take a whole lot longer. Second, you’ll wind up paying more for your divorce. Finally, getting over divorce is pretty difficult if your divorce is still going on.

All the blame you’re heaping on your ex-spouse for breaking up your family negatively impacts your kids. Sure, breaking the family up in the first place hurts your children, but by continuing to find fault with their other parent isn’t making things any better.

In fact, it’s keeping you from figuring out how to co-parent well. And the longer it takes the two of you to figure out the whole co-parenting thing the more damage you’re both doing to your kids.

It takes a lot of energy to continue blaming your ex for shattering your dreams of happily ever after. You could say that it’s providing you the fuel to get through the divorce. But that wouldn’t be true.

The truth is that the longer you continue placing all the blame for the end of your marriage squarely on their shoulders, the longer you’re allowing them to hold you as an emotional hostage. You’re abdicating responsibility for yourself and making it impossible to get over your divorce.

In order to get over your divorce you have to do x things. You have to accept what’s happened and that your marriage has ended. You have to acknowledge the torrent of emotions you’re experiencing. And you have to take responsibility for you and work on getting over your divorce.

No one can do any of this for you – no matter how much you blame them; the blame will never make you feel better or allow you to create a new chapter of your life.

The longer you choose to focus on the blame the more you’re focusing on the past and it’s damn hard to move forward when you’re looking backward. You have to focus on what you can do to move yourself forward (as scary as that is).

And that’s the secret of getting over divorce: focus on what you can do now to truly change your situation for the better regardless of what your ex did or didn’t do.

I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are struggling with getting over divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session. 

Looking for more support and ideas for getting over divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Dealing With Grief.