Archive for July 2020
What’s The Deal With Gray Divorce?
Imagine your grandparents getting divorced after decades of marriage. Weird, huh? Well, more and more grandparents are divorcing these days. In fact, so many are divorcing that it’s a phenomenon known as gray divorce.
Karen and her guest Karen Covy, a divorce lawyer, mediator, and educator discuss some of the big questions surrounding gray divorce: Why are so many older Americans divorcing? Why does it shake our worlds when grandparents divorce? What are the biggest challenges of gray divorce? and many others.
You can learn more about Karen Covy and her work at www.karencovy.com
6 Reasons Happiness Is NOT A Destination
Is it possible to find happiness right here, right now?
“Happiness is not a destination,” they say. “It’s a journey.” It’s a mindset, a perspective, a choice. And it has nothing to do with finally reaching the Holy Grail of anticipated, sought-after bliss.
If happiness runs in your veins, this may be preaching to the choir.
But for some, the elixir seems a little more elusive. And hearing that happiness is not a destination isn’t enough to change that. They need to understand why it isn’t an endpoint.
If you’re among those who need a little more convincing that happiness is not a destination, here are 6 reasons to shift your thinking.
- Set-point theory.
The set-point theory of happiness says that your level of subjective well-being is determined primarily by heredity and ingrained personality traits. You’ll naturally experience highs and lows through life experiences, but your happiness level will remain relatively constant.
In other words, based on this theory, your self-perception of happiness will always oscillate around a baseline level. Whether you lose a job or win the lottery, your attitude and emotional state will habituate to the change and return to your “normal.”
The set-point theory has its challenges, but it corroborates one big truth about happiness: it’s not an endpoint. And your set-point can actually be elevated, as you will discover below. - Happiness as a goal.
“I’ll be happy when this year is over.” “I’ll be happy when I’m out of debt.” “I’ll be happy when it’s spring/summer/fall/winter/football season/vacation time.” “I’ll be happy when I lose this weight/get married/buy a house.”
(You get the point. It probably sounds silly to contemplate the criteria we so commonly place on our happiness.)
The danger with making happiness a goal is that you forfeit your joyful experience of the present. You don’t enjoy springtime because you’re thinking about summer. You miss the beauty of nature on your walk because you are so focused on losing weight. You forget to be grateful for the roof over your head because it’s not a house you own.
Goals are wonderful to have and achieve, but happiness shouldn’t be one of them. - The misery of failure.
If you attach happiness to a goal – a job promotion, an athletic accomplishment, a romance – and don’t achieve that goal, what happens to the happiness?
This perspective of happiness as a trophy awarded upon achievement of a goal will set you up for misery. Not only will you miss the beauty and magic of the present. You will also feel tremendous defeat if you don’t get that promotion, win the gold medal, or marry your love interest. Suddenly you’re not just living “without happiness,” you’re living with misery. - The victory lap is short compared to the race.
OK, let’s say you got that promotion. Let’s say you won the gold medal or got to give your acceptance speech at the Oscars. Pretty euphoric moments, wouldn’t you say? But how long did the euphoria last? A week? A month?
Now think back to your anticipation, your training, your envisioning of that glorious moment. Which lasted longer – the journey or the reward?
An important reason that happiness is not a destination is something called active anticipation. This is about your enjoyment of the process. This is why athletes push through the pain and live to smile about it. This is why vacations and weddings are so much fun (despite the stress) to plan.
That moment you dreamed about and planned for may last a few minutes, maybe a few days. But the dopamine hit you get every time you immerse yourself in the planning and envisioning is what keeps you happily in the game. - Frequency of happy events.
If happiness were a destination, a prize to be grabbed, then that one big dose would have to have a long shelf life. After all, if you’re going to call yourself a happy person, you have to have enough fuel in the tank to last until the next fill-up, right?
But that’s a pretty risky approach to life. And it certainly doesn’t afford any guarantees that you’ll always get what you’re hoping for.
While certain life events can have huge emotional impact, both good and bad, intensity is short-lived. It’s simply not sustainable.
Think about the intensity of falling in love. You don’t eat or sleep, you can’t concentrate, and you don’t always make wise decisions. It’s wonderful and maddening at the same time.
But the true test of that love comes when the hormonal brain-bath drains and you both return to planet Earth. Happiness now comes in the little things. The constant things. The unadorned, unexpected, self-created, mutually enjoyed, day-to-day experiential things.
It’s not the intensity of an event that drives happiness. It’s the frequency of happy events that drives (and sustains) it. - Raising your happiness set-point.
Whether or not the set-point theory holds up across the board, there is one proven way to raise your happiness level. Helping others.
A German study found that altruism not only correlates with happiness, but causes it. And should we be surprised?
If you want to help yourself, help someone else. Turns out it’s true. And there is research to back it up. There is something inherently elevating about creating value for others. Not only does your own self-esteem get a collateral boost, but your sense of purpose – your perceived value of your own life – does, as well.
There are countless inspirational stories of people who have been happy despite their circumstances. We are humbled and inspired by them because, not only do they live their happiness, they exude it.
They give us pause to examine what we have right here, right now – and what can never be taken from us. Think of Anne Frank (Diary of a Young Girl) or Chris Gardner (The Pursuit of Happyness).
Of all the things that happy people know about being genuinely happy, the most important, without question, is this: Happiness is not a destination. It is right here, right now, in every step of the journey.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn and I’m a life coach. Schedule a 30-minute private consultation for support in putting together the pieces so you can begin living your happy life.
Looking for more information about how you can have a happier life? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Building A Happy Life.
What To Do If Your Life Is A Mess After Divorce
It’s possible for you to love your life again.
It’s a tricky, devious, exhausting struggle, this whole getting-over-a-relationship thing. And if you have been married, you know there is a lot more at stake than just a romantic hit-and-run. Marriage means you were vested in something bigger than just “two people in love.” So, if your life is a mess after divorce, it’s no wonder.
Think about what it’s like to pack up and move from a house you have lived in for 10, 20, 30 years. Now imagine the task as an effort to downsize.
Everything that was once neatly in its place (on cleaning day, anyway) is now…well…everywhere. Essentials, non-essentials, mementos, family heirlooms, favorites-for-no-good-reason. It’s all unearthed, waiting for a decision to be made on its destiny.
Your home is a mess. Your life is a mess. After divorce, this metaphor comes to life in every area of your existence. You don’t feel as if you are “just moving” (or that they are just moving) — you feel as if you have been foreclosed on.
You have to move out of and move into. You have to divide, negotiate, relinquish.
You have to explain to the children and plan for their ability to heal and thrive in a new existence. Suddenly you’re not just parenting anymore, you’re co-parenting. And even that is an education and life-altering adjustment in itself.
You have to grieve, even if you are so angry that grief seems counter-intuitive. And you have to save face when you can’t even see your face because it is so swollen from crying.
The financial consequences of divorce can turn your life inside-out. Depending on your assets, the division may not be as simple as “you take A and I’ll take B.” Tax liabilities, insurance policies, retirement funds, debts, income disparity – the avalanche can wipe you off your feet.
Yes, life is a mess after divorce. And sometimes those going through the stages need to hear those words so they don’t feel crazy or isolated from “the norm.”
If you are in the aftermath of a marriage, it’s important to embrace the naturalness of the chaos. To know that it’s OK that your life is a mess after divorce. Think of it as knowing your surroundings so you can navigate through to a new order in your life.
So what are you to do if your life is a mess after divorce? How do you get beyond believing “I have no life after divorce” to knowing you can create one?
As unfair and impossible as the expectation feels, it’s up to you to decide that you are going to be OK. That doesn’t mean you have the slightest clue how that’s going to happen or what it’s going to look like. It simply means that you are open and determined.
The first determination after “I am going to get through this” needs to be “I am going to learn and grow from this.” And that involves a lot more than daily affirmations taped around your home.
It means doing what you probably dread doing (and may not have thought you needed to). It means going inside and owning your reality. Quieting the urge to blame. Examining what worked and what didn’t. Facing the truth of how you contributed – by action and inaction – to the erosion of your marriage.
Ironically, it means doing the very thing that, if both spouses had done it all along, would have kept the marriage intact.
But the marriage isn’t intact. And it’s not going to be. You, however, are going to be. Remember, that’s your first determination. The steps that get you there simply honor that promise to yourself (and to your children if you are a parent).
By owning your own contributions (both good and bad) to your marriage, you plant seeds for enduring love in the future. Again, an affirmation of your determination that you are going to be OK.
Second, thoughtfully, carefully create your environment. Not just your physical environment, but your social and support environment.
Yes, it’s time to clean house. And that doesn’t have to mean tossing people out of your life. Some relationships may not support your values and direction anymore. In those cases, it may serve you best to let those people go, always with a conscious wish for their highest good.
Some relationships may just need some dusting off. Perhaps there are single friends you have ignored because you were busy hanging with other married couples. You may feel your heartstrings pulled in their direction, with a call to make amends if necessary.
And some of the best relationships are yet to be. They will evolve out of and because of your circumstances. Yes, your life is a mess after divorce. But you don’t have to clean it up alone.
Because you are doing fearless work “on the inside,” you are opening your life to more authentic relationships “on the outside.” Be open. Be ready. Be willing.
And don’t ignore the benefits that can come from bringing a professional along for your journey. You have a ton of unfamiliar weight on your shoulders. Someone like a therapist or divorce coach can show you how to carry it. And others going through the same thing can offer immense (and uplifting) camaraderie through support groups.
Finally, give yourself permission to come out of your role as a married person. Sure, you may want to go back into that role again one day. But this is your time to revisit all the wonderful attitudes and attributes that once made you excited about life.
This is your time to re-engage with your creativity. Believe it or not, a little craft or wood glue, glitter or Glidden, home-decorating or renovation, and museum-tripping can accelerate the healing process. Involve your kids. Enroll in a class. Find your own outlet and watch your creative juices flow into all areas of your life.
What matters is that this is the time to revitalize those aspects of you that may have been sacrificed along the way.
Creativity as a mindset has a way of shifting your perspective on everything. It is, in essence, an attitude of possibility.
Suddenly a mountain hike with your kids to watch hawks swoop overhead is as satisfying as the overseas vacation you can’t afford right now. Your home becomes a perfect canvas to create your own utopian oasis. Your limited finances make you discover and dig into your own resourcefulness.
Your perspective shifts. You lead with gratitude. You remain in the moment because it is rich with possibility.
And, without realizing it, the negativity dissolves and opens up space for all that can be. All that will be.
Today you may be saying, “My life is a mess after divorce.” But tomorrow you will be saying, “I truly love my life after divorce.”
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. If you’d like additional support in moving on from the mess divorce has created in your life, you can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice or you can schedule a 30-minute private consultation with me.