Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
5 Reasons You’re An Easy Target Post-Divorce
If you’re newly divorced, beware of these 5 ways you’re an easy target for users and manipulators.
The prospect of dating after divorce is exciting!
It is also pretty terrifying because women newly back out there are easy targets for players and manipulators.
I felt all the thrill and terror about dating after my divorce and my excitement won – at first.
I married at 19 and didn’t have intercourse until my wedding night. When I divorced (after nearly 18 years of marriage) I was totally unprepared for dating. I assumed it would be like it was in high school. Boy! Was I wrong…
Three months after my divorce was final, I fell in love. He just seemed to know me so well. It seemed like we’d known each other forever and I was eager to express my love for him sexually. I won’t lie – I had a whole lot of fun doing it!
But things changed when my life got complicated and I needed some emotional support. He disappeared. I naively kept reaching out to him thinking he must be going through a tough time too. He had told me he loved me and I couldn’t imagine that he would just vanish.
When I finally understood it was over, I was devastated. I thought I was rebuilding my life, that I was doing well, but I was just being used.
Unfortunately, my story isn’t unique. One woman I know was actually told “Wow, you’re like every guy’s fantasy. Like a little innocent kitten just set down in the jungle. I hope no lions or bears eat you alive.” Another guy even came back to her months after she left him to apologize and admit he had taken advantage of her the whole time they’d been together.
And being used isn’t unique to women. Men get used too. Several women I am familiar with have only gone out with men because they liked the expensive meals and gifts the men showered them with. But as soon as someone willing to spend more money came along (or someone better looking or even someone better in bed), they immediately dumped the men they’d been seeing.
Divorce shakes the foundation of your life and makes you virtually helpless prey for users and manipulators.
Here are the 5 reasons you’re an easy target:
- You’re lonely and naive. When you’re newly divorced you feel a profound lack of love and experience loneliness at a level you’ve never felt before.
The player can use this and you believe them when they say they want to spend time with you or even that they love you. You’ll believe just about anything to keep your loneliness bay. (Reminds me of how I fell for a user.)
- You’re not really sure what you want sexually. The whole world of dating is intoxicating after divorce. You want to get out there and experience it all – to reclaim (or maybe even claim for the first time) your sexual power.
But the truth is that after a long-term marriage (especially if you married the first person you had sex with), you’re inexperienced. You’re naive about what the dating world is really like. You’re unfamiliar with how to fully express your sexual likes and dislikes.
It’s your lack of knowledge and experience that make it way too easy for you to find yourself as the innocent little kitten in the jungle with every lion and bear around salivating to be with you.
- You’ve lost your dreams for the future. Your hopes and dreams for the future change dramatically when you divorce. (Well, that’s after they’re shattered and you realize you need to come up with new ones.)
When you’re newly divorced it’s pretty easy to feel stuck and unsure of what your future holds. So when someone tells you you’re exactly who they’ve been looking for and how you make their dreams come true, it’s super simple to get sucked in.
- You’re hungry for approval. You weren’t fully appreciated, validated or respected in your marriage. You’re anxious to have someone praise you for simply being you.
You believe just about anyone who seems to really see you and show you the appreciation you’ve been missing out on – maybe for years. In fact, you’re drawn to them like a fly to honey and then you’re trapped under their spell.
- You’re desperate for happiness again. Happiness is one of the most important emotions. It’s from a sense of joy that the energy to create, to work, and to love flows.
When someone makes you happy after (or even in the midst of) the profound misery of divorce, it’s easy to believe they’re exactly who you need in your life. They’re like a drug you can’t get enough of and you’ll do just about anything to keep them with you – which is exactly what the users and manipulators out there want.
But before you get too defensive, you need to know that these 5 reasons you’re an easy target also hold the kernel of 5 ways relationships are great!
You feel complete and fully alive when you can comfortably enjoy and trust in someone’s company. Exploring your sexuality with a committed partner is amazing! Chasing your dreams with to the cheers of your spouse make them easier to reach. Being deeply appreciated by your lover for just being you emboldens you to be even more fearlessly you. And sharing the joy of simply being alive with your sweetie is blissful.
The only way to make sure you’re not an easy target and can honestly experience the thrills of a relationship is to make sure you’re ready to be out there again. Wait to date until you’re past the soul-sucking loneliness, until you’ve gotten to know yourself sexually, until you’ve created new dreams for your future, until you appreciate you for being you and until you’ve found happiness on your own.
If you don’t wait and instead run head-first toward the thrill of dating (like I did) you run the risk of being used, manipulated and hurt. The choice is yours.
It’s a choice I wish I had known about when I got divorced. It might have saved me a whole lot of hurt.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
4 Simple Tips For Overcoming The Misery Of Your Divorce
Your misery is the result of 4 different emotions. Deal with them separately to get yourself unstuck.
Divorce is an upheaval of all that was – all that made your life make sense. The misery that comes with all the change is profound, but there is hope.
Staying stuck is optional. You can make it through your divorce. You can experience happiness again and maybe even find love again too.
How? First, you need to understand what misery is. Then, you do something about it.
Misery is “a SOS” from your soul. It’s a result of feeling alone, stifled, overwhelmed and scared. Taken on their own, each of these emotions is challenging. When you experience them all at once, the result is often soul-crushing despair.
However, your situation isn’t as hopeless as it might seem to you right now. The secret to getting out of being stuck in the muck of misery is to recognize that you can deal with each of these four emotions separately. By doing so, you loosen the bonds of your despair and move forward toward being genuinely happy again.
The following simple tips will help you deal with each of the four emotions of misery so you can get unstuck and feel better:
- Alone – You may have been alone during your marriage when one or the other of you had a business trip, took a quick trip to visit family, or even relaxed on a solo vacation with friends. But being alone is entirely different when you’re divorced. Before there was the knowledge that you would be together again. Now it’s a fact that you won’t. There won’t be a homecoming or an end to you being on your own without your ex this time.However uncomfortable alone might feel to you right now, it is just the result of you coming to terms with the new order of things in your life. Alone means more than being without your ex. Alone also means freedom – freedom to do things your way, to make your own decisions, even to parent as you see fit.By focusing on your independence and how it supports you in creating your new life, you’ll discover that you can shift from feeling alone and lonely to self-confident. You’ll likely even begin to enjoy being by yourself so you can do things that nourish your mind, body and soul.
- Stifled – You’re probably going through a huge change in how you live your life. Now you’ve got less money available, rules about when you parent, and maybe even a change of residence. Even without the divorce, these are big changes you’re facing.On the surface you might consider your life as less than it was. But it’s this superficial view that is making you feel stifled and trapped.Look deeper at your situation and you can see you’ve still got some choices – even if they’re decisions between alternatives you don’t especially like. When you have the freedom of choice, you can never be truly trapped. (Don’t believe me? Check out Viktor Frankl’s classic Man’s Search For Meaning.)
- Overwhelmed – During your marriage, chances are you and your ex chose the divide and conquer tactic for getting chores done, taking care of your family, and earning enough income. Now you get to do it all. And that’s a lot to have suddenly dropped squarely on your shoulders.Then, on top of that is doing what you must to complete the legal process of divorce. This is probably unfamiliar territory for you and figuring out how to meet the demands of the legal process on top of trying to keep your life together is understandably overwhelming.However, it just takes a bit of self-care, organization and a willingness to ask for and receive help to feel more in control.
Take at least 5 minutes (20 minutes two times a day would be ideal) every day to do something that re-energizes you and helps you to feel more connected to life. You might try yoga, meditation, running, or even walking outside to hug a tree. By grounding yourself daily during your me-time, you’ll discover you have more energy and brain power to more easily tackle all that you face.
Do what MUST be done first and be willing to let your definition of MUST change. During your marriage, there were two of you to get everything done and so the things on the must-do list could be a bit broader. But now that you’re on your own, you must become ruthless about what must-do means now if you’re going to stop feeling overwhelmed.
However, sometimes there truly are more must-do’s than you can ever hope to accomplish on your own and this is when you ask for help – very specific help. The reason your requests must be specific is that it allows you to remain in control of your situation. If you simply ask for help in general, you run the risk of setting yourself up as a victim and undermining your ability to step powerfully into your new life.
- Scared – Change is scary. You might be feeling anxious because of all the losses you’ve suffered. You might be fearful because of what you’re having to do to get your life back on track. You might be scared because you don’t know what the future holds for you. And you might simply be terrified by all of it!The thing is that at the root of all these fears is negative thinking that changes your situation into a terrifying horror story.When you’re scared, the best thing for you to do is take 10 deep breaths and ask yourself some positive “what if” questions. These questions will redirect your thoughts to the positive possibilities and aim you toward taking the necessary actions to make your life better and get you unstuck.
By putting these tips into daily practice, you’ll soon find yourself moving toward what you want in your life instead of feeling miserable about what isn’t there anymore. You’ll gradually recognize that although you still feel some pain and grief about your divorce, you aren’t consumed by it.
And, don’t worry if you do feel miserable from time to time after you start feeling better. It’s normal to feel like you’re going backwards every now and again.
You’ve developed a bit of a habit of feeling alone, stifled, overwhelmed and scared. So it will be a bit unfamiliar at first to shift your thinking and actions to one of responding positively to “a SOS” from your soul. But the more you practice taking care of yourself, looking for solutions and changing your thoughts to positive “what if’s” the less miserable you’ll feel.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on DigitalRomance.
Divorce Recovery: Why You Need To Stop Listening To Your BFF
Coping with a divorce is difficult – make sure you are talking to the right people for support.
I cringe whenever someone tries to comfort their friend who is going through a heart-wrenching divorce by lying to them. Even though the lie is told with love and without malice, it’s still destructive. Without meaning to, these people are undermining their friend’s chances of quickly healing from their divorce.
These people are telling their BFFs that it just takes time to heal from divorce. It doesn’t sound all that bad, but it’s the same as telling someone with an appendix ready to burst that it will just take time before the pain in their abdomen stops—completely inappropriate and potentially life-threatening.
Divorce is one of the most disruptive life events anyone can go through. It takes effort to get your life back in order. Although many choose to go it alone as they heal from a failed marriage, working with a divorce professional who is skilled at identifying and resolving divorce wounds can help you heal more completely.
Helping professionals who specialize in divorce can guide the complete healing of your divorce wounds because there’s usually more to a divorce wound than at first appears.
One of the divorce wounds that appears rather quickly are relationship habits. Maybe you had the habit of taking care of your ex-spouse so they didn’t have to do things like pay the bills or care for the kids in the middle of the night when they got sick. You might have even cared for your ex-spouse to the point where you scheduled all of their medical appointments and you ran all the family errands.
This über-caretaker relationship habit is one of the easiest to spot when a couple separates. The initial symptoms of this divorce wound are that the spouse who was taken care of will either feel completely lost or be asking their ex for help to accomplish the tasks they’re not used to doing. The tricky part of healing this divorce wound is preventing the hidden wounds appearing later sometimes years later.
One of my former clients was an über-caretaker. When she and her ex separated, her relationship habit was brought to light because he kept asking her about financial details he had not had to deal with during their marriage. She told me her initial reaction was to help him understand what was going on financially without giving it a second thought. Then she got mad. First, she got mad at him for asking for her help instead of figuring it out for himself. Then, she got mad at herself for helping him!
Rather than seek help to heal her divorce wound, she chose to go it alone. She worked on developing boundaries with her ex and successfully dealt with the initial symptoms of her divorce wound.
After their divorce was final, she started dating. It wasn’t too long before she was in a new relationship. At first everything was wonderful, as it usually is with a new relationship. But before too long her relationship-habit divorce wound started appearing. She found herself automatically doing things for her new partner that she used to do for her ex. In fact, her new relationship started to feel a lot like her failed marriage. It was when these hidden symptoms started appearing that she chose to work with me.
With our work together, she came face-to-face with her relationship habit and changed it. She was willing to put in the work and listen to the guidance of a divorce professional. The result for her is that she no longer feels the need to be the über-caretaker in any of her relationships. Her divorce wound is completely healed.
The need for concerted effort to heal even the initial symptoms of a divorce wound are exactly why your BFFs attempts to comfort you with the lie that time heals all wounds is so destructive. If all you did was wait for things to be better, at best you’ll feel exactly the same a year from now. The more realistic result would be that you would wind up a bitter, resentful person. Using time to heal your divorce wounds is the only way you’ll truly be able to move on.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Which of your divorce wounds have you been waiting on time to heal for you?
Believe it or not, denial is actually a helpful state — in the beginning. It keeps you from feeling or experiencing too much at once, but over time denial can become a way of waiting for time to heal you instead of putting in the effort it really takes. If you recognize that you have a divorce wound that you’ve not dealt with yet, chances are you’re ready to deal with it now.
Is self-treating your best option?
Once you know you’re ready to tackle one of your divorce wounds, seriously consider whether you want to go it alone. Many divorce wounds have initial and hidden symptoms. It’s the hidden ones that no one can identify without the help of someone else.
Uncertain whether self-treating is your best option?
Then schedule some time to talk with a divorce professional—someone who can help you identify whether or not your divorce wounds have hidden symptoms that you’re not yet aware of.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
4 Reasons You MUST Tell Your Spouse You Cheated
Even if you’re scared, coming clean with your spouse is the best thing for both of you if you want to save your marriage.
Not everyone who has an affair set out with the intention to cheat. Most affairs just sort of happen. That’s probably how you wound up in this situation – by accident.
Part of you thinks it was a very happy accident because you’ve not felt this alive in years. Then there’s the other part – the part that’s guilt-ridden about betraying the trust of your spouse.
It’s the guilty part that’s got you wondering if you should come clean with your spouse and admit your infidelity. But it’s also got you fearful of the additional guilt you’d feel if you saw (and had to deal with) your mate’s reaction.
Most people in your shoes feel trapped and that just sucks.
My guess is that if your spouse made you feel as good as you do with this other person you never would have cheated in the first place. Heck, I’ll even bet that your spouse used to make you feel this good, but somehow life got in the way and your relationship changed. And this just adds to the misery you’re feeling.
There is a way out of the trap you’ve caught yourself in. You MUST tell your spouse you cheated.
It won’t be easy. I know it’s probably one of the most horrible things you can think of doing right now and, frankly, you’re terrified of the repercussions…of what they’ll think of you and how they’ll react.
But here are the 4 most important reasons why you MUST tell:
- You had sex without a condom and your spouse has a right to know their health has been compromised. It doesn’t matter whether you see a future for your marriage or not, this is one time where you have to tell your spouse as soon as possible.
STDs are a real threat and, according to the CDC (http://www.cdc.gov/std/life-stages-populations/stdfact-teens.htm), can be passed through having unprotected sex (vaginal, anal or oral). Yup, if you’ve even only had oral sex without a condom, you’ve put yourself and your spouse at risk.
Many STDs don’t cause any symptoms that you would notice, so you can only know whether or not you have one by being tested. Both you and your spouse need to be tested.
- Your spouse already “knows”. One of the amazing things about being married is that you can read each other. Most spouses can tell when there’s something up with their mate before anything is said. They can just feel it.
Your spouse probably already knows there’s something going on. They might have even asked you about it. (And you’ve probably denied it at least once.)
Their “knowing” isn’t going to go away whether or not you tell them. Telling them will allow you to take their worry away, begin alleviating some of your guilt, and allow the two of you to start the process of figuring out what’s next. It’s the kindest thing you can do for both of you.
- You promised your spouse you’d be honest. You cheated! That’s about as dishonest as you can get in an intimate relationship.
Your guilt stems from your dishonesty with your husband or wife. You know that relationships can only work when both partners are respectfully honest with each other. You will continue to live with the nagging guilt of your actions until you come clean with your spouse.
- You can’t rebuild your marriage on a lie. If you want to recreate your marriage into what it can be and frankly must become for it to be worth saving, you both need to get real about what is and isn’t working.
There must be some pretty significant stuff that isn’t working for you to find yourself in this situation. Talking about the fact that you cheated and what the affair gave to you that’s missing from your marriage in a way that your spouse can hear will go a long way toward allowing you both to know if things can be better and how to make them that way.
But it’s no guarantee that you will be able to save your marriage. Telling them about your mistake is just the starting point.
Just because I believe that honesty is the best policy when it comes to cheating, no one can tell you exactly what the best course of action is for you (unless you’ve had unprotected sex). No one else has to live with the emotional toll of betraying your mate. That’s your burden.
But, you can free yourself from the trap by having a real and respectful conversation with your spouse.
If you continue to avoid the facts, you’ll continue to feel the guilt and the regret for the rest of your life. Yes, you’ll get used to the misery over time, but it will still be there sucking away at your soul even if you choose to end your marriage until you can be honest about your behavior and admit that you’ve made a mistake – even if it was by accident.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Take More Responsibility For Your Breakup
It might seem counter-intuitive, but taking responsibility is the best way to get over it and move on.
Breakups and divorces hurt – a lot. About all you can think about doing is making the pain stop. You might try drinking, going out with whomever you can and blaming your ex to make you feel better.
There is a certain logic to all this. The distractions of self-medicating and attention from the opposite sex will certainly take your mind off of your immediate pain, but no distraction will ever eliminate it. Also, blaming your ex for what you’re feeling can make it seem easier to deal with because it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do. (Besides maybe get even with them or make them hurt as much as you do. But these are bad ideas no matter how appealing they might be right now.)
However, distracting yourself and placing blame are the fast track to more misery – not the relief you really want.
The only way to quickly and completely move on from a failed relationship is to take responsibility for it. Yup, you read that correctly. You need take responsibility for the breakup or divorce.
Now before you start down the trail of “Yeah, but…” or “No way in H#LL!”, hear me out.
I get that your ex cheated on you or that they were crazy clingy and insecure or that they just didn’t appreciate you anymore or that they just suddenly changed and became someone you hardly recognized. But that isn’t the whole story. Is it?
This is important.
The whole story must include you regardless of what their actions were or are. Because if it doesn’t, then you’re just a powerless victim. A victim who has no control over his life. A victim blown about by the whims of her ex. A victim who lacks all hope that a better relationship is out there.
I seriously doubt you really want to be a victim hoping that someone else will do something to make you feel better.
So what if the real story of your breakup is that you played an active role in it? As uncomfortable as that might be, it’s probably a whole lot closer to what really happened.
What if you took the time to take stock of what you did that helped your relationship and what you did that helped your breakup? If you do, you’ll be taking your first step to REALLY getting over it.
Before you start thinking that they decided to end things out of the blue and you can’t think of anything at all that you could have done differently to make your relationship better, STOP! If that’s truly your situation, your responsibility for the breakup was getting into a relationship with them in the first place. Even accepting this bit of accountability will give you back some control over the situation.
Assessing your part in the death of your relationship is the only way you’ll be able to completely get over it. And believe me you want to get completely over it. You don’t want to be one of those people that others think are great until you tell them about your breakup. Then, all they hear as you tell your story is how bitter you are.
(I can tell you that every time I went out with a man who was bitter, I couldn’t get away fast enough and I certainly wouldn’t give him a second chance. I know I’m not the only one who quickly steers clear of victims who keep throwing themselves a pity party.)
Once you know the part you played in getting you where you are today you can start doing something about it.
Let’s say the only thing you can think of right now that made you culpable for the breakup is that you fell in love with her/him. Obviously that doesn’t mean that you need to never fall in love again – although that might seem like the best short-term answer. What it does mean is that you have a bit of detective work to do to figure out what you can learn from this relationship to choose your next partner more carefully.
Think back to when you first met and the early days of your relationship. And ask yourself questions like:
- Were there any warning signs that it would end badly?
- What did you find especially attractive about him/her?
- Did any of these qualities contribute to where you are today?
- Did you give it enough time before you jumped into a relationship?
Hopefully, you’re getting the idea. You need to analyze what you can do differently next time.
Thoughtful action away from what didn’t work and toward what does will always help you move on from your breakup.
As you continue your assessments, you’ll probably discover more things you did that contributed to the end of your relationship. That’s a good sign! It means that you’re moving away from the hurt and victimhood and toward healing.
With each new responsibility that comes up, ask yourself what you can and will do differently in the future and then do it. Although all this work won’t guarantee that your next relationship will be perfect, it does guarantee that you won’t be making the same mistakes. And fewer mistakes usually mean fewer problems.
So as counter-intuitive as it may have seemed initially, taking responsibility for your breakup or divorce really is the only way to stop hurting so much.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared in Wingman Magazine.
6 Reasons Happy Couples DO Go To Bed Angry (On Purpose!)
Fighting late into the night is just disaster waiting to happen.
Sometimes what we take as common sense is really just a bunch of pie-in-the-sky crap! I call it crap because it’s too idealistic or just ignorant of how people’s minds and bodies really work.
For example, take the whole idea that a couple should never go to bed angry.
Now, I’ll be honest with you, I used to believe that this was a great rule to live by. But that was back when I was in a relationship that lacked passion – including the passion to argue.
These days I’m in a much more vibrant relationship and know without a doubt that if we didn’t go to bed angry we’d still be arguing about some stupid thing that happened three years ago. (Yeah, we’re both stubborn enough that we just might be.)
Going to bed angry is actually great for our relationship because things usually look completely different in the morning.
When the alternative is a sleepless or nearly sleepless night going to bed angry is best for most relationships. The reason is that sleepiness from staying up to argue can actually make things a whole lot worse.
How does sleepiness make arguments worse?
Here’s what the sleep experts have to say:
- Sleep loss makes you stupid. Stanford sleep expert, Brandon Peters, MD, explains in his Huffington Post piece that difficulty sleeping interferes with higher cognitive functioning of the brain.This means you need sleep to be able to pay attention, concentrate, reason and PROBLEM SOLVE! If you’re so sleepy that you can’t problem solve, then how on Earth are you going to resolve an argument? Yeah, you’re not.
- Sleep deprivation can lead to serious health problems and increase the risk of death, according to WebMD.OK, the data shows that it’s chronic sleep loss that can dramatically impact your health, but if you’re regularly arguing instead of sleeping it will add up. Who knows, the next time one of you says “You’re killing me” during a late night argument, you might actually be right!
- Lack of sleep kills your sex drive. Dr. Robert D. Oexman, Director of the Sleep to Live Institute in Joplin, MO, told Shape that chronic sleep deprivation can lower the sex drive hormone (testosterone) in both men and women.So for those of you who think that your epic arguments at night will lead to amazing make-up sex you are probably going to be disappointed. Sleep specialists have found that both men and women report less interest in sex when they’re sleep-deprived.
- Sleepiness is depressing. There’s a definite link between lack of sleep and depression according to WebMD. And it seems to be a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Insomnia can be a sign of depression and lack of sleep can play a role in causing depression.Let’s face it, even if neither of you have depression, it’s just almost impossible to feel great and excited about the day when you’ve missed a lot of sleep the night before because of some ridiculous argument. In fact, you’re more likely to feel depressed about the argument which could lead to even more discord and yet another sleepless night.
- Sleep deprivation makes you forgetful. In 2013, sleep researchers at UC Berkeley discovered a “dysfunctional pathway that explains the relationship between brain deterioration, sleep disruption and memory loss” (Medical News Today)Now this forgetfulness could really go either way toward helping or hurting your argumentative ways. If you both forget what you’re arguing about because you’re too sleepy to remember, then that’s great! You can catch some zzzzz’s and address the issue (if one of you can remember it) in the morning when you’re both fresh.
Alternatively, you could also forget that word you want to use to really let your partner know you’re right and how wrong they really are. And on the argument goes…
- Sleep loss impairs judgment. WebMD also says, “Lack of sleep can affect our interpretations of events. This hurts our ability to make sound judgments because we may not assess situations accurately and act on them wisely.”So the longer you stay up arguing, the worse the argument will probably get because both of you lose your ability to realize that staying up to fight just isn’t worth it.
Look, just because you now know that going to bed angry won’t end your marriage either, it doesn’t mean that you’re ready to give up all the crappy “common sense” that you’ve adopted as part of your marriage. What is does mean is that you’re ready to start questioning it. Like, what’s the deal with make-up sex being the best?
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are contemplating divorce. Should you stay, or should you go is a powerful question and I’m here to help you make a smart decision that will lead to your greatest happiness… whether you stay OR go. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Healing From Divorce: Overcoming Your Loneliness
No matter how horrible you feel, there is a simple way out of the loneliness of divorce.
One of the toughest parts of healing from divorce is the loneliness which can feel like it’s sucking your soul right out of you. You wind up feeling as if you’re just a shriveled husk of who you were.
When you’re in the throes of loneliness, your mind wanders down a treacherous path. You begin by wondering if you’re destined to be alone for the rest of your life. Then you realize that of course you will because of the long list of your “flaws” that you remind yourself of over and over again. It doesn’t matter right now that those imperfections are just part of what makes you wonderfully you. You get stuck on a downward spiral of misery which leaves you feeling horribly trapped.
Yet being stuck isn’t doing you any good when your real goal is to heal from your divorce.
What I want you to know is that no matter how lonely you feel right now, you’re not really alone. I promise. Everyone who gets divorced experiences gut-wrenching loneliness. (Some people even experience it during their marriage before they divorce.) The difference is that not everyone deals with their loneliness in the same way.
Some choose to ignore it and immerse themselves in activities like dating. Some will use their loneliness to fuel their anger at their ex. Others, like you, know that despite how miserable the loneliness feels it’s just part of the process of getting over their divorce.
The loneliness is really just part of the grief – saying goodbye to so much including a sense of belonging (which you also wonder if you’ll ever feel again). Knowing that it’s part of the process doesn’t necessarily make it easy to get through though, does it?
Luckily, there is a simple way to start feeling less lonely. Begin with feeling a sense of belonging to yourself.
Yeah, it might sound a bit strange, but usually a sense of belonging is about feeling complete, whole and cared for. And that’s definitely something you can achieve all on your own.
How? Well, the easiest way is to start logically and then allow your emotions to shift naturally as you begin caring for yourself. It might sound complicated, but it really is simple.
Logically, you know there’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Being alone is a situation. Feeling lonely is an emotion that is crying out for soothing.
And believe it or not, you can soothe yourself by doing simple things that indulge your senses (sight, taste, touch, sound and smell). Here’s a list of some sensory experiences you can experiment with the next time you’re feeling lonely:
- give yourself a hug and feel the warmth of your embrace
- drink a cup of fragrant tea or coffee and enjoy both the aroma and the taste
- listen to uplifting music and be carried away by the sounds
- light some candles and watch how the flickering flames create amazing shadows
- turn on the TV so it sounds like there’s someone at home with you
- snuggle with one or more pillows (I use 4) in bed at night
- treat yourself to your favorite meal savoring every bite
- pet your pet (or someone else’s) and notice how wonderful their fur feels and how beautiful it looks
- hug a tree and notice the texture of the bark against your chest and cheek
There are a million different things you can do to soothe yourself and engage your senses. The key is to focus on the sensations, smells, sounds, tastes and sights. You’ll find that by indulging your senses you’ll experience a catharsis which lightens the heaviness of your loneliness.
The more you can comfort yourself when you’re feeling lonely, the quicker you’ll start to realize that your soul can stay right where it is and that you don’t need to remind yourself of your “flaws”.
Before you know it, you’ll come to appreciate having some alone time. It’s then that you’ll know you’re well on your way to healing from your divorce.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
If you’re looking for more help recovering from your divorce, read more articles about Healing After Divorce.
Unhappy Marriage? Here’s How to Make It Better (Part 2)
After you know what you want, it’s time to start laying the foundation to make your unhappy marriage happy.
As I mentioned in Part 1, if you’re in an unhappy marriage you’re probably feeling trapped and hopeless.
But you can create some hope that things will get better. All you need to do is create your idea of what “happily ever after” means to you now and everyday find one thing that’s good about your marriage.
(If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, you can read it here.)
Now that you know what you want from your marriage, you can start laying the foundation for your new “happily ever after”. Begin by asking yourself what would you have to do to get it if you really want to change your unhappy marriage to a happy one.
My guess is you’ll discover these 5 areas (connection, caring, congruence, competence, and freedom) are the most critical for you to take action in.
- Connection – Of all our relationships, our intimate relationship has the most impact on our happiness. We all have a deep-seated need for connection. It’s one of the things that makes us human. According to Brendon Burchard in The Charge, “Our desire to bond and belong outweighs almost every other desire – often even our desire for survival.”Despite our desire for connection and belonging which often requires conforming to our spouse’s needs and wants, we also want the freedom to do, think and feel as we want without challenge or question. This desire for both belonging and freedom is where conflicts in unhappy marriages come from.And that’s why learning to understand each other and learning to communicate clearly and compassionately with each other fosters the connection you crave from your marriage.
One of the first things you can do to improve your connection is to ask your mate what their vision for your marriage is and then LISTEN to what they have to say. This conversation is all about understanding their point of view – not using it simply as an opportunity to tell them all about yours. (Unless, of course they ask you.)
It takes guts to have this conversation. But by being courageous, you begin making your lives together better.
- Caring – You can only build a great marriage with love expressed as caring for each other. It implies generosity and mutual respect. And among the fruits of caring for each other are attention, acceptance, affirmation, adoration, affection, empathy and respect. (A relationship like that sounds absolutely blissful, doesn’t it?)Notice that I’m not talking about just one spouse being caring. These qualities must ultimately exist in both spouses to turn your marriage around.Although I’m not saying there’s no hope if your spouse isn’t currently able to treat you in a caring manner. They may just need to learn how to. If they’re willing to display caring and to accept caring there is definitely hope for your marriage to be happy again.
For that matter, you may need to learn about caring too.
Caring is easiest to do in a caring environment. It doesn’t matter if the caring environment is internal or external. When you’re caring toward yourself (internal), it’s much easier to care for others. When you’re around others who are caring (external), it is more natural to care for yourself.
So, helping your spouse to learn to be caring might be as simple as you caring for them. Yes, it may seem weird, but it’s just a matter of you get what you give.
(Actually, there’s a more brain science-y way of describing this whole thing by talking about mirror neurons, but it boils down to you get what you give and you get what you surround yourself with.)
- Congruence – Congruence in marriage is all about living aligned with who you are, your vision for your life with your spouse and being treated by your spouse in a manner consistent with who they are (which is someone who deeply cares for you).Congruence helps us to feel safe because we know what to expect from each other and ourselves. It’s through lack of congruence that things can get sideways or even completely upside down.So how do you start creating more congruence in your relationship?
You start with your definition of “happily ever after” and boil it down to three words that will remind you of your whole vision. Using the example from Part 1, the three words might be: honor, support and love.
After you have your three words, you need to put them to use. EVERY time you interact with your spouse think the three words and behave that way. Using our example, that means you would treat yourself and your spouse with honor, support and love.
By living into the best you and your best marriage, you and your spouse will begin feeling more engaged and happier together.
- Competence – It may seem odd to say that competence is an important piece a marriage’s foundation, but it really is! You and your partner both need to know that you’re good at being married and that you each appreciate that about the other.Most couples treat their marriages as just a fact in their lives. They have lost sight of how much more rich and vibrant their marriage could become by gaining competence. (Competence means that you understand what marriage is to both of you and that you each work to successfully create the one you both desire.)A natural question is then, “How to you get competent at marriage?”
You do it by paying attention to your spouse, doing things that support your marriage, being adaptable and resilient when things don’t go exactly as you wish they would (like when you argue), and putting in the effort to make your marriage great!
- Freedom – One of the easiest ways to make sure you’re both miserable in your marriage is by trying to control each other. No one likes to feel caged or stifled. And that is exactly how it feels when your spouse tries to control you, isn’t it? (It’s also how they feel when you try to control them.)That’s why freedom is a critical foundation piece of a happy marriage. And I don’t mean freedom without boundaries. I mean a freedom consistent with your marriage vision – ideally your shared vision that you were able to create during your conversation about connection.This freedom can also be described as a deep trust that you each bring your best to your marriage and each other. No, that doesn’t mean you never have a bad day or argue. It simply means that you make a conscious decision to be the best you that you know how to be.
Obviously, it’s going to take time and effort to change your unhappy marriage to one that’s less strained. And it’s also not a straight shot. You’ll have times when things go great and times when they don’t.
The key is to evaluate (at least once a week, but ideally after each interaction with your spouse) what you can do better next time.
It’s by focusing on your shared goals for your marriage that you’ll make the fastest progress. However, if you’re working solo on this you’ll still be able to make progress which will challenge your spouse to start working with you to make your shared lives so much better.
But the important thing is that you work on it. It’s only by working on making your marriage better that you have any chance of making it happy.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are contemplating divorce. Should you stay, or should you go is a powerful question and I’m here to help you make a smart decision that will lead to your greatest happiness… whether you stay OR go. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
I Stopped Sleeping With My Husband To Save My Marriage
Happy couples make their own rules!
The idea that “opposites attract” is cute in the beginning of relationships, but once you’re married or together long-term, those differences soon drive you mad.
My husband and I are certainly a case of opposites attract — especially when it comes to sleeping. He’s a night owl, who loves to steal the covers and roll all over the bed, without regard for whom he’s rolling over. I’m an early bird, who loves to sleep in a neat bed with tight sheets in a dark, quiet room.
When we first moved in together, he installed a ceiling-mounted TV stand in our bedroom. This TV stand seemed a bit extreme to me, but I laughed it off because I loved him AND I thought he’ll only want to watch a movie in bed once in a while.
Years later, I wasn’t laughing so much. It turns out he had a difficult time falling asleep without watching TV. So we would watch until he fell asleep and then I would turn it off. That’s when I could finally get some sleep. I just slept in a little later than I did before he moved in and later than I preferred.
I thought we had things all worked out. And, we did … until life started happening. Each time we moved or one of us changed jobs it seemed like our whole sleeping arrangement called for minor readjustments, as well. Some of the tweaks we made over time included an eye mask for me and a tablet with ear buds for him.
We managed to continue changing things up to accommodate both of us, for several years. But, this last move just about broke us. I don’t just mean that we were arguing about our sleeping differences. I mean that we were both seriously wondering if we’d be better off divorced!
The only things holding us together were a (distant) memory of loving each other and a determination to make it work, because that’s what married people do. Right?
Every once in a while I couldn’t take the arguments and I would go sleep in the guest room. I got a good night’s sleep, but it infuriated my husband because we were in a marriage together and therefore, supposed to sleep together!
One morning after a good night’s sleep, I admitted to him that I slept better when we slept apart. I asked him how he slept. He said he slept better, too. I took a deep breath, fought my fears of starting another argument and asked the million dollar question: “What do you think of us sleeping separately?”
It pissed him off! … at first. But, the more he thought about it, the more sense it made to him. His biggest concern was what people would think, because according to the “rules of marriage” a husband and wife are to sleep together — period! I told him it was no one’s business but ours.
And, you know what? He agreed! We’ve been sleeping separately for nearly a year now. Our home is much more peaceful and it’s so much easier to remember that we love each other. I know it may sound a bit dramatic, but I really think sleeping separately saved my marriage.
(I know you’ve got questions, so let me answer them. Yes, we still have sex and usually in his bed because he doesn’t mind sleeping in rumpled sheets. Yes, we have sleepovers, but only when company needs the guest room. Since we only sleep together occasionally our sleeping differences are a bit cuter again, but only for a few days.)
It took a lot for us to break one of the “rules of marriage.” But, what I’ve learned since then is that we’re not the only ones breaking this rule. Today reported that 60 percent of the 14,000 people who responded to one of their polls actually sleep better alone!
Breaking the rules really works for us. If your opposites-attract differences are driving you mad, maybe a little creative problem-solving is the right approach for you, as well.
“Love” doesn’t mean sucking it up and suffering for the other person. Love means evolving, getting creative, and making room for BOTH people’s needs to get met — even if that requires breaking rules or convention a bit.
After all, just blindly following “the rules” without regard for your truth (or your spouse’s) is just sucking it up and suffering for the sake of your marriage. No one needs to put up with a cookie cutter marriage that feels suffocating. So, go ahead and try breaking some rules together!
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are contemplating divorce. Should you stay, or should you go is a powerful question and I’m here to help you make a smart decision that will lead to your greatest happiness… whether you stay OR go. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Hurt Because Your Spouse Is Dating During Divorce?
Sometimes all it takes is a small shift in perspective to help you hurt a little less.
When your marriage ends and you start working toward getting divorced, it’s not like there’s some switch you can flip to stop feeling married or even to unlove your spouse. It’s more of a process. And all processes take time to complete. That’s why it is so infuriating, humiliating and painful if your spouse starts dating before you’re legally divorced, much less before you feel unmarried.
You do have another option. You can learn to put some distance between what they’re doing and you. It all starts with changing your thoughts (which, believe it or not, will give you the space you need to allow your feelings to change).
To give you an assist with changing your thoughts, here are some facts for you to consider:
- It’s all about them – Yup, their behavior is all about them. It’s a reflection of how they see the world, who they want to be and what they want to experience.As painful as it is to make the shift from thinking about you and your spouse as a couple to being individuals, it’s part of moving on from the end of your marriage. It’s part of the process and you’ll be able to move on too.
- If your spouse decided to end your marriage – Usually the spouse that decided the marriage is over began working through their grief before ever announcing that they want a divorce. Because they’ve been doing their healing for a while, they may be more ready to date than you are right now (at least from an emotional standpoint). Just because they’re dating doesn’t mean that they haven’t hurt over the end of your marriage too. It just means that they’re further along in their process than you are in yours. (And it doesn’t mean that you need to start dating too. Remember their behavior is about them just like yours is about you.
- You’re dating, but you’re not ready for your spouse to date – Yeah, this can seem a bit hypocritical at first, but it’s also pretty normal. Healing from a divorce is a process and it happens in pieces. Even though you might be ready to date, the thought of your spouse being with another person can make your stomach churn because you don’t quite feel like your spouse should unlove you yet. The reality is that your discomfort isn’t going to prevent your spouse from dating. After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander!
- Your marriage ended because your spouse cheated with the person they’re dating now – Cheating to end a marriage is really a chicken’s way out. A spouse will cheat because they don’t believe their needs are being met within the marriage. Instead of being willing and able to discuss what’s wrong with the marriage, they choose to have an affair to make it “obvious” that the marriage is over and can’t be saved. Feeling furious, betrayed and humiliated as you’re watching your spouse date the *@#$&* they cheated with while you’re going through the divorce is pretty natural. The key to getting through it is to remember that their behavior is all about them and that your life WILL be much better without them (even if it doesn’t always feel that way right now).
Getting more understanding about why your spouse is dating now, before your divorce is final probably won’t make you feel immediately better, but it will help you to think a bit differently about the situation and their behavior. Sometimes it’s only a small change in perspective that will enable you to get on with healing from your divorce instead of staying stuck in a dead relationship.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.