Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
4 Ways to Give Kids of Divorce The Gift of a Guilt-Free Holiday
Why you need to put YOUR issues aside and let your kids be kids!
For way too many children of divorce, the holidays aren’t very merry at all. Instead, of being a season of fun and magic, it becomes a season filled with confusion, guilt and worry.
Kids of divorce experience confusion because they have a hard time keeping track of schedules of when they’re going to be with Mom, when they’re going to be with Dad, and when they’re going to be with their friends. I witnessed this confusion and guilt first-hand with my “bonus sons” (a.k.a. stepsons) the first time we all spent a holiday together. Not only did our youngest, Cameron (who was only 13 at the time) need to fly across the country during the hectic holiday season (changing planes along the way); his adult brother, Anthony, had to come with him to make sure Cam arrived safe and sound. Though both boys were extremely happy to spend time with their dad, they went through a lot of stress while the adults in their lives got to remain right where we were.
During their visit, I innocently asked the boys about their Christmas. And wow, it was as if I’d hit a switch. Both of them became very quiet, their faces went blank and they gave me an obligatory “It was fine.” I was genuinely interested in hearing about how wonderful their Christmas had been, but they just weren’t comfortable talking about it—especially with their dad within earshot. They also kept asking when they were supposed to leave, not clear on what the schedule was at which house (making it impossible for them to relax and just “be” where they were). As a new (and admittedly nervous) stepmom, I empathized with how complex it was for them, as children of divorce, to just have a simple, light-hearted holiday when they were saddled with so much to navigate (emotionally and logistically).
Here is what I came to realize about what children of divorce go through during the holidays:
Kids with divorced parents often feel the need to be actors
They don’t want to upset Mom by talking about Dad in front of her, and they don’t want to upset Dad by talking about Mom in front of him. So instead, they learn to act like their other parent isn’t as important as the parent they’re with right now. The pressure to continue the charade amps up around the holidays, and then the guilt creeps in. They don’t feel they can share happily and unapologetically about the fun and good memories they’ve experienced with the other parent.
Kids feel guilty about leaving one parent alone
Many children feel more responsible for their parents after divorce than they ever did before. Many of these kids feel bad (like they’re betraying one parent) if they look forward to celebrating with the other parent. And when a parent adds on: “Oh, I’ll miss you terribly. It won’t be the same without you”, kids end up toting around mounds of guilt about that parent being “all alone” for the holidays.
Kids feel guilty asking for gifts they think their divorced parents can’t afford
Kids quickly become aware post-divorce that money is tight (which is often the case for at least one parent). Children are subjected to all kinds of messaging on TV and by their friends throughout the holiday season touting fabulous vacations and the hottest toys. But many kids of divorced couples worry that if they ask for what they really want, either mom or dad won’t be able to afford it. They worry there won’t be enough money left over to cover other necessities or that their gift requests make them seem greedy, or that their parent who can’t provide will feel bad. That’s certainly a lot of worry for a kid to carry around … especially over the holidays (a time of year that is supposed to be magical for children).
Kids of divorce need OUR help to make their holidays stress-free and wonderful.
It’s up to us, their parents (biological and “bonus”) to help make the holidays what they are meant to be—fun, relaxing and special. We need to be okay—really, genuinely okay—with knowing our kids love their other parent (and even their other “bonus parent”) and that it’s okay for our children to have fun with them.
Here are 4 ways to take away guilt and worry for your children this holiday:
1. Stop focusing on lack
While a tight budget is a very, very real thing for many divorced parents, there is no reason to focus on what you don’t have. Instead, have fun figuring out how to create wonderful memories with your kids by making the most of what you do have. You might want to create new holiday traditions and memories by watching movies snuggled up on the couch together, having a snowball fight indoors with stale marshmallows, baking and decorating cookies together and even reading stories together while sipping hot chocolate. What kids actually remember (after the pricey gifts are opened and are quickly forgotten) is the time you spent together and how that time with you made them feel. So, make that time feel merry!
2. Spare them the “I’ll be all alone” guilt trip
Make sure your kids know that you have exciting plans (that you’re actually looking forward to) while they’re gone. Whether that’s an invitation to hang out with other friends or family … or you simply savoring your alone time with indulgences like reading a great book, relaxing in a long bubble bath, or enjoying your favorite foods. Whatever you put on your itinerary, sharing it excitedly with your kids gives them permission to be excited about their holiday plans, too.
3. Eliminate confusion about where the kids will be and when
This one is fairly easy to remedy with a calendar (that travels with the children) mapping out the time they’ll spend at each of their homes. That’s one thing that I wish I’d known about when my stepson was still a kid. It goes a long way toward helping kids be able to plan what they want to do, too.
4. Your child loves their other parent—deal with it!
Another part of our job as parents, especially during the holiday season, is to get really comfortable and okay with the fact that your child can love their other parent and still love you. Your kids might even love their “bonus parents”. Your acceptance of this is the first essential step in your kids feeling free to enjoy healthy relationships with all the adults in their lives.
Your kids are counting on YOU to make their holidays magical
After the first awkward holiday spent with my stepsons, we rarely had another holiday moment spoiled by any of the kids feeling confusion or guilt (because we worked hard to create an environment that freed them from those feelings). Of course, they’re both adults now, but we’ve all made an effort over the years to encourage the boys to enjoy the holidays and look at them as opportunities for double the presents, double the fun, and double the love … but never double the guilt or worry. This is what I wish all kids with divorced parents received during the holidays—double the presents, double the fun, and double the LOVE.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Divorce Made You Angry? How To Move On
Three steps for leaving your divorce anger behind you.
When my ex-husband and I decided to divorce in 2002, we came to the decision rationally just like we’d come to most decisions in our marriage. Being two rational human beings who had never fought, we thought it would be in our best interest to save money and effort by continuing to live together until we were able to sell our home.
Sounds reasonable, right? Well, it wasn’t reasonable at all.
Neither of us had been through divorce before, and we had no idea of the changes we would be going through or the intense anger we would feel toward each other. I remember one instance when we were talking about something that made my husband angry. So angry that he punched the wall in front of my face. I had never seen him do anything of the sort before and it made me angry in return. Instead of punching the wall, though, I took it out on myself. I remained outwardly calm, but internally I blamed myself for the divorce and generally made myself miserable.
Now I realize that the intense anger we were experiencing during divorce was actually the accumulation of all the little angers that we had never addressed during our nearly 18 years of marriage. For years, we had been sweeping our angers and irritations under the rug because they just didn’t seem to be worth dealing with in the moment. Unfortunately, we didn’t forget them; we hid them and they grew. They grew so much that by the time we decided to divorce they had turned into a mountain of frustration and anger. There was no longer a reason to try to make our marriage work and so the slightest insult or frustration could set us off. Our anger was like Mt. Vesuvius erupting; it threatened to explode and erase all evidence that our marriage had even existed.
We all have similar experiences when we divorce. Some of us experience the eruptions during the marriage. Some of us experience the eruptions once the decision to divorce is made. Some of us even experience the eruptions long after the divorce is final.
Believe it or not, divorce anger can serve an important purpose and it’s not all bad. Divorce anger can help you to separate and sever your marriage bonds. However, you don’t need to experience the anger for prolonged periods. In fact, if you do, then you’ve probably gotten into the habit of being angry and are stuck.
If you’re stuck in the anger, don’t worry; you can get past your divorce anger. Here are some steps to help you get unstuck and defuse your divorce anger.
- Accept that everyone (including your ex and his or her attorney) is doing the best they can with what they have at every moment. You’re just not going to be able to make your ex be someone they’re not. Lisa Nichols has a great way of teaching this. She says you can’t supersize people. Some people just have a 24-ounce capacity and when you expect them to give you 64-ounces, they just can’t do it. So if you’re expecting your ex to be kinder, smarter or more responsible than they’re capable of, you’re going to be disappointed. When I teach this concept to my clients, I suggest they take a picture of a shot glass and use it as the screen saver on their phone. That way the next time they get angry at their spouse, they can look at the shot glass and remember that their ex just isn’t capable of giving or doing any more than they are.
- Acknowledge that you and your ex have different priorities, capabilities and motivations. When you and your ex were married, your priorities and motivations probably were the same, but that is no longer the case. Only you can decide what’s right for you. Only your ex can decide what’s right for him or her. And if your ex didn’t have the capabilities you wanted them to have in the marriage, there’s no way they’re going to magically develop the capabilities now that you’re divorced.
- Check for residual anger and express it — appropriately. Anger is an energizing emotion. I’ve never heard of someone who was so angry they fell asleep, have you? So, even though you’ve defused the anger intellectually, chances are that you’ve still got some adrenaline flowing around your system that needs to get used up. To check this out, take a couple deep breaths. Is there still a part of you that wants to do something active like taking your ex to task, cleaning out the junk drawer or punching a pillow? If so, you need to burn up the adrenaline. Some of my favorite ways to do this are exercise, punching a pillow, screaming into a pillow and dancing to some really loud music. Find an activity that allows you to safely and appropriately work your frustration out while you adjust to your new thoughts of acceptance and acknowledgment.
Taking a deep breath and following these steps the next time you start to feel furious with your ex will allow you to defuse your divorce anger and get on with living your own life instead of continuing to be entangled with theirs.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment
Think of one recent situation that you’re angry with your ex about. Sometimes the easiest way to learn something new is to practice, so let’s take this situation through the three steps above.
- How can you change your thoughts about your ex so that you can accept they were doing the best they could in this situation? Remember that accepting that someone is doing the best they can doesn’t mean you have to like what they did. It also means that you’re never going to be able to make them into someone they’re not.
- How can you acknowledge that your ex now has different priorities than you do? Even if the only priority you can think of that your ex has is that they want to live their life without you, it’s still different from your priorities.
- Take a deep breath and check your body for signs of residual anger. Can you feel that your blood pressure is elevated? Are you clenching your jaw or your fists? Are you feeling energized to just take action? If you answered yes to any of these, then it’s time to get active and burn off that residual anger.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Fixing What Causes the Most Divorce Pain
I have a habit of jumping in and coming up with options to resolve problems. This habit really works well for me in my work. It allows me to see solutions others don’t necessarily see and to figure out how to quickly make the solution into a workable plan.
Like any habit, I take this one with me everywhere I go.
It came with me to the hardware store last week. I had my list with me and as I walked down the cleaning aisle I saw a grandma and her high-energy 4 year-old grandson. The little boy was BUSY as only little boys can be. He was trying to get into all kinds of things and coming up with fun uses for the fly swatter he found. It was obvious that Grandma was tired and just didn’t have the energy to keep up with her grandson while she was trying to get the things she needed. Well, my habit kicked in and I asked both of them if they saw Rain-X, the last item on my list, on the shelf. Grandma started looking. I wrote R A I N – X on a piece of paper and asked the little boy if he could find those letters for me. Luckily, after spending 5 minutes chatting over a shared task, we all left with smiles even if we didn’t find any Rain-X.
My habit also comes home with me and not always in the best way. Two weeks ago, I found my husband busy in the garage cleaning things up. Instead of telling him how great it was that he was tackling this project, I actually told him how he could do it better. Talk about a motivation killer! And, yes, after we finished our “discussion” during which I realized my error and apologized, I got to help with the garage.
Everyone has habits they bring everywhere with them. And it’s these very habits that can cause the greatest pain during divorce.
I often work with other take-charge people who experienced deep pain when their ex just won’t do what needs to be done for the divorce to be completed. These same people feel as if they’re betraying themselves when they wind up doing all of the work to move their divorce forward because they’re tired of waiting for their ex to take action.
I also work with people who have gotten into the habit of letting their ex do all of the finances or home repairs or child care. These individuals feel completely lost when all of a sudden they’re now responsible for making these things happen. They often feel abandoned by their ex not to mention feeling helpless and hopeless in the face of their new responsibilities.
It’s habits like these that make divorce recovery so incredibly painful. Not only is there intense grief about the death of the marriage along with the associated hopes and dreams, but there is also the realization that there are habits that challenge you to change.
Individuals who fully embrace the idea that their divorce is an opportunity for personal growth are the ones who will emerge from their divorce recovery happier and more confident than they were in their marriage. The ones who don’t use their divorce pain to fuel personal growth run the risk of being bitter and miserable for the rest of their lives.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Which habit is your divorce challenging you to change right now? Some of the more common habits that divorce challenges people to change include being a perfectionist, consistently ignoring emotions and being overly logical, consistently ignoring logic and being overly emotional, not asking for help because everything is always OK, being over-responsible, being under-responsible, and being a people pleaser.
What one action can you take this week to start changing this habit in a powerful, positive way? Here are a couple of ideas to get your wheels turning.If you’re a perfectionist, you might want to try leaving something non-critical undone this week. If you consistently ignore your emotions, take stock once a day and ask which emotions you experienced that day. If you’re a people pleaser, try telling someone “No” this week.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
If you’re looking for more help recovering from your divorce, read more articles about Healing After Divorce.
Knowing Your Limits is Critical for Successful Divorce Recovery
Know what behavior you will – and will not – accept.
Life changes a lot when you separate and divorce. Things that used to be a regular part of life just aren’t anymore. And when things change in unexpected ways, everyone can get scared, frustrated and angry.
When my clients and I begin our work together, they’re usually experiencing some combination of fear, frustration and anger. One of the first things we do is dive into what’s behind or at the root of these emotions. What we usually discover on our deep dive are limits or boundaries that have been disregarded in some way. The limits could be behaviors, expectations, thoughts, beliefs or even habits.
The identification of your personal limits is a critical part of restructuring your life during and after divorce. Some people are quite adept at identifying their limits – what they can and can’t do, what they think and why they think it, what they expect and why they expect it, and what their habits of thought, belief, response and action are. Others aren’t as aware of their limits. They aren’t quite sure of what their limits are or even if they want to know. These people tend to do and think what others tell them to. And then there are people everywhere in between these two extremes.
Regardless of your starting point, knowing and understanding your limits is critical for successful divorce recovery. Your limits can help you understand what’s truly important to you as you negotiate your settlement. Knowing your limits can help you take appropriate care of yourself. And knowing your limits will even allow you to ask for help and support when you need it.
It’s probably not a surprise to you, but your limits will be tested, pushed, prodded, and beat against before, during and after your divorce. Who’s doing all of this “exploring”? EVERYONE. Or at least it will probably feel that way. However, the chief explorers are usually your soon-to-be-ex, your kids and you. I’ll bet you already get how your soon-to-be-ex and kids figure in here, but did you expect to also be one of the chief explorers? The thing is that by virtue of going through the divorce process you’re asking yourself to completely redefine what your life is like. And anytime you change, you’re testing and exploring your limits.
All the testing, pushing, prodding and beating against limits was at minimum uncomfortable and at times excruciating for me as I went through my divorce recovery. However, the payoff was always worth it. I learned all kinds of things about my limits during my now successful divorce recovery. I learned that I was tired of putting up with the work schedule I had. I learned that I didn’t know how to date and then I learned how to. I learned that I didn’t know how to tell people “no” and mean it. I learned that despite how miserable I felt, that I was worth loving if only by me. Exploring, changing and affirming my limits helped me to be better able to communicate with myself and others.
I found that what didn’t kill me made me stronger – and happier. What made the whole experience easier for me was when I was able to let go of what I thought I knew for a certainty was true about me. I allowed myself to be flexible and to genuinely explore my limits with no judgment or expectation.
There’s going to be some struggle and then things will be better. Not exactly new information, right? Well, here’s the trick for making the experience easier on you: be flexible and loving while you’re exploring your limits so you can evaluate them by choice instead of by force.
By allowing yourself to be flexible as you explore your limits you’ll be much more able to understand and choose what to do with your limits and your life as you move toward your successful divorce recovery. Being flexible will also allow you to negotiate from a more confident spot because you’ll be able to more easily see the options available to you. Developing the ability to be flexible will help you now as you’re navigating your divorce and throughout your life – I know because it continues to work for me.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Know your limits. As you’re proceeding through your separation and divorce process take note of your limits. You’ll probably become aware of them most easily when you’re experiencing a strong emotion.
Explore your limits. Once you’ve identified a limit, ask yourself questions like “How did I develop this limit?”, “What’s the benefit of this limit?”, and “What might adjusting this limit be like?” Take note of what you discover about yourself.
Adjust your limits. Exploring limits almost always gives you new ideas of how to be, act and think. Take advantage of your discoveries and adjust your limits in ways that make you feel wonderful!
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
If you’re looking for more help recovering from your divorce, read more articles in Healing After Divorce.
3 Tips for Dealing with Divorce
Overwhelm is common in divorce. Use these 3 ideas to beat it as you’re dealing with divorce.
Do you ever feel all tangled up on the inside and didn’t know which direction to turn?
Or maybe you feel that you’re stuck in quicksand and it’s taking all your effort to just make it through each day?
Or worse, you feel that you’re wearing a choke-chain of all your responsibilities and don’t really know who you are anymore?
Don’t worry. I’ve been there. In fact, everyone I know who has been through divorce has been there too. It’s easy to become overwhelmed when you’re dealing with divorce. Overwhelm can be hard to overcome and yet it’s a common part of divorce. Knowing how to get through it or stop it all together is a critical skill to develop as you’re dealing with divorce. What I’m going to share with you today are some of the techniques I regularly use with myself, my family and my clients when things start to feel overwhelming.
1. Change your story.
When I was finding my way through the aftermath of my divorce, I used to tell myself really scary stories. They were stories of doom and I told them over and over again – like a broken recording. I was feeling overwhelmed and the stories I told myself made things worse. I didn’t see any way that I could ever stop the chaos I was living in much less get on to dealing with my divorce in any real way. I felt like I was performing and not really living. I was really miserable!
But, things slowly changed when I started changing my internal story. Instead of envisioning a life of doom and destruction, my stories became more about experiencing sadness and then more about being tired of the sadness and imagining what changes I could make. And then, I started actually making changes – some really big changes. I started living again instead of feeling like a prisoner of circumstances.
It can be the same for you. Simply by changing the story you’re telling yourself, you can dramatically (even if it takes time like it did for me) change your life for the better, stop feeling overwhelmed and really begin dealing with divorce in a way that allows you to move on.
2. Take care of you first.
For those of us who have a tendency to get burned out, when we feel stressed about divorce it can be especially easy to forget about taking care of ourselves and just focus on what needs to be done for others instead. After all, they’re depending on us, right?
It’s easy for me to identify a new client who isn’t taking care of themselves because they have a difficult time answering questions like
- Are you getting enough sleep?
- Are you exercising?
- Are you eating nutritious meals?
in the affirmative. They’ll squirm a bit before answering or try to deflect the question with a joke or some explanation as to why they can’t sleep or exercise or eat well.
If you can’t honestly say you’re getting enough sleep, adequate exercise and eating well, you would probably benefit from taking better care of yourself. Taking care of yourself isn’t an afterthought – something you do after you take care of the rest of your responsibilities. Taking care of yourself is VITAL to you being able to take care of your responsibilities. Without your physical well-being, you won’t be able to take care of anyone or anything else, so, please, make sure you’re putting you first and treating yourself well. It’s only when you have the energy that you can begin dealing with divorce in a productive way.
3. See the lighter side and laugh.
Somehow, when things are really miserable and you’re just not sure how you’re going to deal with one more pressure, there comes a moment when you realize just how ridiculous everything is – all the pressure and stress suddenly become laughable. I’ve found the best thing to do when I reach that point is to laugh. I’m not talking about a simple tee-hee-hee or chuckle, I’m talking about a deep-from-the-gut laugh.
Laughter is a great cure for stress and overwhelm. It causes you to loosen some muscles and tighten others. It requires you to breathe differently and it gets some different hormones flowing through your body – the kinds that help you to feel better.
In working with my clients, I often incorporate really bad jokes to get some laughter going. Laughing always lightens the mood and allows my clients to see things from a slightly different angle and break the strangle hold overwhelm had on them.
With overwhelm and stress being such common elements of our daily lives – not to mention divorce, these 3 simple ideas can be a great springboard for you to prevent yourself from succumbing to burn out and begin dealing with your divorce in the most productive manner possible.
Your Dealing With Divorce Assignment:
The next time you’re feeling stressed out, pick one of the 3 suggestions above and try it out. After all what have you got to lose besides your stress? I know that if you consistently take the necessary steps to help you deal with the stress of your divorce, you’ll be better able to manage it.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
If you’re looking for more help recovering from your divorce, read more articles about Healing After Divorce.
Getting Divorced: Are You Still Lovable?
A celebrity break-up can help you discover that you are definitely still lovable.
I recently read an article ridiculing Robin Thick for giving his estranged wife, Paula Patton, gifts and public apologies to woo her back. What I found so interesting is the obvious derision the author had for his attempts.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning cheating. I’m also not ignoring the fact that it takes a lot of hard work by both parties for a relationship to survive an affair. What I am surprised by is how the author of the article assumes that Thicke’s attempts are obviously wrong.
Gary Chapman has done some important work on love languages that is important to consider before an outsider can make any judgments on the validity of Thicke’s or anyone else’s attempts at showing love and apologizing.
Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, identifies five different ways that people give and receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. We each naturally express love in the ways that we prefer to receive love.
Considering Thicke’s attempts to woo Patton back involve public apologies and lavish gifts, I’m guessing that two of his preferred love languages are words of affirmation and receiving gifts. Based upon the reporter’s article and Patton’s reported response to the gifts, I’m guessing that neither one has receiving gifts as their preferred love language.
What does this have to do with you? A lot! Knowing your love language is a critical step in recovering from divorce.
Being clear about how you receive love can help you know how to make sure you still feel loved despite the end of your relationship. You’ll be able to discover ways to show yourself love. You’ll also be able to explicitly ask your family and friends (a.k.a. your support team) for the things you need to feel loved.
For example, if your preferred love language is words of affirmation, you could speak words of affirmation to yourself as you look into your eyes in the mirror.
If your preferred love language is physical touch, you could get a therapeutic massage or ask your support team to give you more hugs.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Discover your primary love language. Take this quick on-line quiz and discover your primary love language.
Think of one way you can show yourself that you’re loved. Once you know one way that you can show yourself that you love you, do it!
My primary love language is acts of service. A couple of ways I let myself know that I love me are having a housekeeper in to clean my home and daily exercise.
Think of one way your can ask you support team to show you love this week. If your primary love language is quality time, you might ask a family member or friend to come over for a conversation over dinner and a bottle of wine.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation with me.
What Are You Bringing to Your Divorce?
Whatever you bring with you to your divorce will color your experience. Make sure you’re bringing what you want to have!
My husband and I are going through the process of selling our home and buying a new one. If you’ve ever gone through the sale and purchase of a home, you know how stressful this process can be.
We’d been talking about moving for a couple of years, but hadn’t done anything else about it because it was easier to just stay put and complain instead of being willing to do what we knew to be right for us and move.
Luckily, when we were making some minor remodels to our home, we mentioned to our contractor that we were thinking of moving. Well, this woman heard our deep desire for something different and challenged us to put up or shut up.
We rose to the challenge – mostly. We still had some bumps in the road to getting our house ready to put on the market and fully committing to the work necessary on our parts. But, we did get our work done.
And you know what happened? We had a full-price contract on our home within 48 hours of putting it on the market.
Now you might think that’s the end of the story, but it’s not. You see the fellow buying our house didn’t seem to be fully committed to the purchase. Throughout the 10-day option period, he did strange things including, but not limited to, putting an offer in on another house.
Well, all these strange things the buyer did finally got us when just hours before the end of his option period, this fellow asked to change the closing date into the next month. He wanted to change the date because he didn’t want to have to start paying his mortgage this month – at least that’s the story we told ourselves. We were furious! He had originally requested a closing date that was within 4 weeks of his offer and we jumped through hoops to find a new home that could also close very quickly. Of course our plans were contingent upon the sale of our home to him. It seemed like all of our dreams for a new home in the country were crashing down around us.
Jim, my husband, and I talked and yelled and made up more stories about this guy who supposedly wanted to buy our home and we made up stories about his realtor too. We were furious and miserable that someone else seemed to have complete control over whether or not our dreams came true. We were also feeding off of each other’s negative energy which escalated things even more.
Then a funny thing happened. In the midst of all this drama and misery, we both had a memory – a memory of what it was like to get divorced. We realized that what we were experiencing was almost identical to what we felt when we were going through the legal process of divorce.
Luckily, this is when my training kicked in. I realized three important things:
- I was too close to what was going on and making the worst of what was happening. I needed to step out of all of my emotions and look at the sale of the house as the business transaction it was.
- As an adult, no one has control over my life unless I give it to them. I could still choose what I want to be, to do, and to have in my life even if this first attempt at selling our home didn’t work out. I just needed to be willing to work for it and accept the consequences of my decisions.
- My perception of what was going on was creating my reality. As long as I believed the buyer and his realtor were jerking us around, I was being jerked around. As soon as
I changed my belief and the story I was telling myself, I could see that this buyer just might be afraid of the responsibilities of home ownership and I could more easily put my anger and frustration aside.
These three important things are exactly what I work with my clients on to help them identify what they’re bringing to their “divorce party” and then change their experience to one that feels better and more hopeful.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
If your divorce and the legal process have you tied up in knots, here are some ideas for loosening the knots.
Develop the skill of moving between your emotional self and your logical self. There is a time and place for experiencing the rollercoaster of emotions that typically accompany divorce. There’s also a time and place for putting them to the side so you can make the business decisions that need to be made during divorce.
Decide what you want to be true about your life one year from today. For most of us who go through divorce, the divorce can be all consuming. We can get in the habit of just doing the minimum to get by because of all the energy and effort involved in getting divorced. What we tend to forget is that our lives will go on. By developing a sense of hope or desire for something in the future, you’ll be able to get through what needs to happen with the divorce because you know things will be better.
Which of your beliefs are keeping you tied up in knots? The wonderful thing about beliefs are that they are all yours which means you have complete and total control of whether or not you keep them. If you have a belief or two that are contributing to your misery, you might want to consider what you life would be like if you changed or dropped them. If you recognize that your life would be better without these beliefs, you might have just discovered the oomph you need to change them.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Ready To Get Over Your Divorce? Quit Playing This Tricky Game
The faster you move past blame the faster you’ll heal from your divorce.
I was 8 when my family moved from Toledo, OH to San Jose, CA. I loved the adventure of being in a new place, being able to walk to school, the road-side stands selling bing cherries and I really loved cable TV.
Back in the early 70s, cable TV wasn’t a fact of life like it is today. Being able to almost always find something kid-friendly and interesting to watch whenever I wanted was awesome!
Some of the re-runs I’d watch after school were Password, The Dating Game, The Gong Show and The Newlywed Game. Of course being so young, I didn’t understand all of the jokes in these shows but I loved watching them because everyone was laughing so much.
All of these memories came rushing back last week when a woman reached out to me asking if there wasn’t something she could do to get all that should belong to her in the divorce. Of course I was confused at first because she was calling from Texas and Texas is a no-fault divorce and community property state. When I probed a bit deeper, she let me know that because her husband had cheated and it was his fault they were getting divorced she believed she was entitled to more of the marital assets. After we finished our conversation, all I could think about was that this woman went from playing and winning The Dating Game and The Newlywed Game to wanting to play and win The Blame Game.
She’s not alone. Most of us want to play The Blame Game when we get divorced. It’s somehow easier for it to be one person’s fault that the marriage ended in divorce. Someone has to be the reason why things failed and that person needs to be punished. Right?
RIGHT! At least that’s what I believed when I got divorced in 2002. But I don’t believe that any more. Now I believe that although The Blame Game is a normal part of the divorce process, the longer you play this game the longer it takes before you get over your divorce and maybe even the longer it takes to get through the legal process of divorce.
I’m not alone in my thinking on this. The legislatures of each of the 50 states have come to pretty much the same conclusion and implemented no-fault divorce laws to diminish the intensity of The Blame Game in the courtroom. Before these laws were enacted, it was required that one spouse prove that the other spouse had violated the marriage in some way before a divorce would be granted. I imagine divorce cases were more like criminal cases back then and I can’t even begin to imagine what going through that would do to the children.
Luckily, today the legal process attempts to make divorce a bit easier on the soon-to-be-former spouses, but that doesn’t stop them from playing The Blame Game outside of the courtroom.
The Blame Game allows you to have a target for your anger. So long as that target is your ex and you’re expressing your anger in healthy ways, your anger can serve a good purpose. It can help you disconnect emotionally from your ex. When you’re feeling angry at your ex, you can even feel like you’re winning. But the benefits from being angry diminish the longer you stay angry and you discover you aren’t really winning the game after all.
The only long-term winners of divorce are those who don’t play The Blame Game for long. They’re the ones who realize that it takes two people to make a marriage work and two people for the marriage to fall apart. They’re the ones who are willing to look long and hard at themselves, to dig through the barriers they’ve built and hidden behind and become better at being authentically themselves without a need to point fingers.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Ready to stop playing The Blame Game once and for all? Your Functional Divorce Assignment will help you put an end to the game — or at least help decrease your participation in it so you can heal from your divorce. Ask yourself these four questions below.
1. What specifically are you blaming your spouse for? Are you blaming them for having an affair? Are you blaming them for not loving you? Are you blaming them for squandering the marital assets or getting you into debt? You’re probably blaming them for multiple things. Make a list of everything you’re blaming your spouse for.
2. How do you feel when you look at the list? Most players of The Blame Game don’t feel especially good when they’re playing. They may feel a vindicated anger, but that’s very different from feeling good. My guess is that you’d rather feel good than continue blaming your spouse.
3. How would your life change if you stopped blaming your spouse? Be as specific as you can about what your life would be like and the emotions you might feel. You might feel free or relaxed or happy or confident or…
When I stopped playing The Blame Game, I felt both exhilarated and a bit scared, and these feelings were so much better than the turmoil I had been feeling.
4. What steps can you take to start your life changing in this positive way? You might want to start focusing more on what you want your life to be like instead of how it got to be how it is right now. You might want to simply make a decision that you will now stop all blame. You might take some time to think about how you could have contributed to the situation that you’ve been blaming your spouse for. There are all kinds of things you might choose to do to stop playing The Blame Game; the important thing is that you choose one to start with and then do it.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Special Occasions Can Still Be Special After You’re Divorced
One of my clients recently asked me if it was weird for her to want to be friends with her ex-husband’s sister. I asked her for a few more details about the relationship to see if I could figure out why she was asking this question. She started squirming in her chair as she gave me the details. It turns out she was feeling weird about wanting to remain friends with her former sister-in-law because she thought she wasn’t supposed to.
The first special occasion I attended with my husband’s family was weird for me because his ex-wife was there and each of his siblings referred to her as their sister-in-law. I had all these thoughts about them sending me a message that I wasn’t welcome.
My client and I had both bought into the common belief that once you divorce, you’re expected to divorce the entire family and might even declare them enemies.
What I’ve come to realize and teach is that the common belief is WRONG. Each relationship you have is unique. Each relationship can grow, wither, and transform. Each relationship can do this independently of the others if you’re both willing to let it.
What all this means is that family occasions can still be special occasions with the entire family present. Sure, you might not choose to hang with your ex or their new partner, but there’s no reason why you can’t continue to enjoy having large birthday parties for your kids or huge Thanksgiving celebrations with the extended family.
What all this also means is that family occasions don’t have to be like they were before the divorce either. Maybe your former in-laws aren’t willing to continue to have you be a part of their lives right now and that’s OK.
Basically, it comes down to choices, how do you want to celebrate special occasions now that you’re divorced? You might want to continue celebrating as you have in the past or you might want to start new traditions. What I want you to know is that it’s all good. There aren’t any rules about how things have to be (unless of course rules were created as part of your divorce agreement).
Now I know I just told you there aren’t any rules, but let me give you a couple ideas to think about to help you keep or make your special occasions special after divorce.
When most people divorce, then tend to feel a bit lost or lonely. These feelings can often make it difficult to want to celebrate special occasions. I want to encourage you to be aware of this and celebrate any way. You deserve to have a good time. If you have kids, they deserve to have a good time. And the added bonus is that if you have something to look forward to, then you just might help yourself get through the lost and lonely feelings more quickly.
You might also want to consider celebrating occasions you didn’t celebrate before. Maybe you want to start making the anniversary of the first moon walk a special occasion and have a wine and cheese party to celebrate. Maybe you want to start celebrating obscure holidays like Ground Hog’s Day or National Pizza Day. Again, the idea is to add some fun and something to look forward to because it will help you work through the worst of your divorce more quickly.
Special occasions can still be special after divorce. They may or may not include your in-laws, but the most important things is that they include you – you feeling wonderful as you celebrate whatever occasion it is.
Your Special Occasions After Divorce Assignment:
Evaluate the special occasions you have in your calendar. Which make send to continue celebrating? Which need to be eliminated? What new occasions need to be added?
If you don’t have any special occasions in your calendar because your ex always took care of that for you, make a list of the special occasions you want to celebrate and get them in your calendar ASAP. Having special occasions to look forward to will help you continue to feel connected with others and combat the loneliness most people experience with divorce.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
If you’re looking for more help on how to deal with your life now, read more articles about Life After Divorce.
Getting Divorced? Why You May Still Need A Family Therapist
Think you can only call in a family therapist to piece back together your relationship? Think again.
When you got married, you created a family — a family of two. Over the years your family may have expanded to include a goldfish, a dog or cat, and kids. What if you you decide to get divorced? You may not think so at the time, but you’re still a family — a family with two homes, but still a family. That’s why working with a family therapist, a helping professional who specializes in looking at a family as a whole, may be just the person to help you and your ex navigate the choppy waters of divorce.
You’re probably wondering something like “How do I know if a family therapist would be helpful to my specific situation?” My best answer is to look at each family member individually. Has any one of them had marked changes in behavior (especially exhibiting combative behavior), or started relying inappropriately on other family members? If even one of your family members fits these descriptions, chances are your family could benefit from working with a therapist.
When changes like these happen suddenly, it’s easy to admit that professional help is called for. What happens more often, though, is that the changes emerge slowly — or that they get obscured by the chaos you are experiencing amidst all the divorce. Because I know how difficult it can be to go through divorce and still attend to the kids (not to mention, yourself!), here’s a list of some behavioral changes you’ll want to be on the lookout for:
- Irrational fears
- Compulsive behavior
- Sleeping or eating problems
- Guilt
- Change in personality
- Persistent sadness
- Depression
- Acting younger than chronological age
- Fear of being separated from either or both parents
- Acting out
- Manipulation
- Academic problems
- Peer and/or sibling relationship problems
The key here is to take a step back from all that’s going on in your life and really think about each of your children. Think back to how they behaved before the tides of divorce enveloped your family. Look at the changes in behavior and ask yourself if they’re consistent with their developmental stage. For example, a pre-teen girl will often become moody as part of all the hormonal changes her body is going through. If you have a pre-teen daughter who is moody, it might just be consistent with her developmental stage. However, if you have any concerns or questions about what is and isn’t appropriate, it’s best to seek outside help. I always direct my clients toward being cautious and enlisting the help of a professional like a family therapist.
What I find fascinating about this list of behavioral changes to be way of is that it so closely mirrors what you are probably experiencing as a result of the divorce. The important thing to remember is that children have fewer personal resources and life experience to help them navigate the chaos of divorce, and having a helping professional like a family therapist on their side can be priceless not only for the children, but for offering each parent enough space to find their own way to singlehood.
Even if the children are weathering the divorce well, there may still be an opportunity for a family therapist to make things better. For example, if you and your ex are fighting incessantly through the legal system, or if your fights in front of the children are so volatile that they repeatedly try to stop the arguments. More subtle signs that your family might benefit from working with a family therapist include:
- Either you or your ex regularly puts down or badmouths the other in front of the children
- Either you or your ex uses the children to carry messages between the two of you
- Either you or your ex uses the children to spy on the other
- Either you or your ex relies on any one of your children for high levels of emotional support
- Either you or your ex relies on any one of your children for major responsibilities in the home
- Either you or your ex experiences depression or anxiety
A great family therapist can help significantly decrease divorce stress because the family — even with its two homes — will function better. There will be less conflict between the parents, fewer problems with the kids at school and fewer sibling conflicts. That doesn’t mean that the family will be stress-free and perfectly adjusted (no one ever is); it just means that things will be less chaotic and the murky waters of divorce will become more calm and clear. A family therapist could just be the life vest you’ve been looking for.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Which of the items in the lists above reminded you of what’s going on in your family?
Divorce is stressful on the entire family and each family member will respond differently to the stresses. By continuing to work together as a family despite having two different homes, children will realize they still have both their parents on their side. A family therapist is a great resource to help your family continue to work together.
If you decide you need a family therapist, ask for referrals from your attorney, family and friends.
Not every family therapist will be a perfect match for your family. You’ll want to carefully evaluate your options to find the correct one for your family. The referrals are just the starting point; you and your family will want to interview at least two family therapists before deciding which will be the best to support all of you as your family changes through divorce.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.