Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
Pesky Divorce Lies You Must Stop Telling Yourself
You are so much stronger than you think.
“I abdicated responsibility for myself.” That’s what I heard every time I looked in the mirror.
“I abdicated responsibility for myself.” I heard it again anytime I allowed myself even a brief break from being busy — way too busy.
“I abdicated responsibility for myself. I abdicated responsibility for myself. I abdicated responsibility for myself.” It was a horrible, accusing chant that never let up.
It was also true.
When I got divorced, I had to face a lot of things — a lot of things that didn’t make me feel so hot about myself. This one, giving up responsibility for myself, was one of the hardest because it was so embarrassing; because I was an incredibly responsible person when it came to everyone and everything else, and because I wasn’t exactly sure how to take responsibility for me.
Like most girls my age, I grew up with a set of confusing expectations. My mom stayed at home. Her daily focus was on raising the five of us kids and taking care of our home. My dad was the breadwinner and took care of the yard and cars. Yet my parents were well aware of the social changes going on in the 70s and encouraged me to get an education so I’d be able to take care of myself financially. The funny thing was that they still held onto the expectation that I would help take care of my siblings and help my mom when dad was out of town. Mom and Dad took very good care of me while I was growing up. But, when I look back, I realize I learned to “do it all” for everyone else. I didn’t really learn how to take care of me in any way — besides financially.
This dynamic played out in my first marriage with me being able to handle the finances, to get a great education and a great job when I graduated, to make sure my husband was happy, and … to completely ignore what I needed. Back then I decided it wasn’t a priority for me to take care of myself because I thought it was my husband’s job to do that. I thought he should just know what I needed in the way that I just knew what he needed.
This was a recipe for disaster. It seemed that the harder I worked at making sure my husband was taken care of, the worse I felt. I started having anxiety and panic attacks. At first, my husband was worried and would rush me to the ER to make sure things were OK, but over the years he got to the point where he was exhausted with my panic attacks and would ask if we really had to go to the hospital again. Realizing that I had abdicated responsibility for myself after my divorce was just the beginning of my journey of self-discovery — a journey that began with changing the beliefs that no longer worked for me.
One of the first beliefs I set about changing was “I am incapable of taking care of me. That’s someone else’s job.” I started tackling this one where I thought it would be easiest; something inside my comfort zone. I decided that I was capable of taking care of me financially. Although I had the knowledge and the skills to take care of my financial needs, I didn’t have the belief that I could do it “just” for me.
What finally helped me believe I could take care of myself financially was when I opened up to a friend who helped me look at my income and expenses. He helped me see that everything was OK: I could pay my bills and be responsible and take care of myself. I began to understand that I could depend on myself. Maybe, for now, only financially — but it was a start that I could build on.
The next belief I changed was “I need to be punished for getting divorced.” Besides living with the expectation that God would strike me dead if I did anything fun, this belief caused me to punish myself. I thought that the purpose of my life was to work hard and take care of everyone and everything I felt responsible for — again, except for me.
If I did things that got in the way of my “purpose”, then I needed to be punished. One of the things I did to punish myself was to avoid eating. Luckily, there was a wonderful couple, Bob and Gloria, who lived across the street from me. They were the same ages as my parents and from the same part of the country. They would have me over to eat dinner with them virtually every night and Gloria would always encourage me to eat by making things she knew I liked. Slowly, I began to realize that I was human and it was OK to take care of me. Eventually, my inner dialogue about needing to be punished disappeared.
Another belief I changed on my way to taking responsibility for me was that I should expect someone I was dating to take care of me, because I was taking care of them. This one was a little trickier for me to work with because it involved my relationships with others; it wasn’t just about me. I challenged this belief by listening to the stories of the men in my divorce recovery class, and by talking with my therapist about what a healthy relationship is. I challenged this belief by dating, having my heart broken and dating again. And I challenged this belief by reading a lot about self-care, which is how I first learned about life coaching!
There were many other beliefs I needed to adjust the incessant refrain of “I abdicated responsibility for myself” finally stopped. But the method I used to change these other beliefs was the same as I used for the changes I’ve already shared with you. I first became aware of the one belief that needed to shift. I allowed myself to trust that I knew what needed to change, and that I could trust others to respond when I asked for the help I knew I needed. That’s one of the most responsible things anyone can do.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
What are your current responsibilities? Many people have too many responsibilities that they somehow just wound up having. It’s almost like they’re responsibility magnets. Take some time and get really clear about what your current responsibilities are.
What have you given up to meet these responsibilities? For each of the responsibilities you’ve identified, ask yourself what if anything you’ve given up to meet the expectations of the responsibility. Some responsibilities have a high price — like the one I paid to make sure everyone around me was well cared for. Other responsibilities have little to no price. Then look at all you’ve given up to meet all of these responsibilities.
If you’re not satisfied with your responsibilities, how can you adjust them so you’re taking better care of you? The answer I hear most often when I ask this question of my clients is “I don’t know. Do you have any suggestions?” I love hearing this answer because it means the person is ready and willing to ask for help and support. That’s where I started off changing my beliefs and my life when I got divorced and I know it’s just the next positive step on this one person’s amazing life journey.
Do you need some suggestions for adjusting your responsibilities so you can take better care of you? You might want to start with asking a trusted friend, your parents or other family member, your clergy person, a therapist or life coach. You can even reach out to me and schedule a Complimentary Consultation.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
30 Awesome Ideas for Valentine’s Friend Dates
Whether you’re single by choice or circumstance, Valentine’s Day can seem more like Single’s Awareness Day instead of a day celebrating love.
Rather than dreading February 14, why not try something different? Celebrating with your friends is a great alternative to sitting at home alone or feeling jealous about the flowers that co-worker received from her boyfriend.
So in the spirit of love, here are 30 ideas to spark your creativity for celebrating this Valentine’s Day with a friend or two.
- Host a karaoke night.
- Have a VR dance party. You might want to try Zumba, belly dancing, disco or stripper moves.
- Go out for manis and pedis.
- Treat each other to lunch. Yes, you’ll each still have a bill, but somehow it’s still fun to know you were treated to lunch!
- Send each other a gift at work. Who doesn’t love to receive flowers or chocolate for Valentine’s Day and letting the whole office see?
- Send each other “what I love about you” notes. This is your chance to tell your friend(s) how much you love their brilliance or kindness or sense of humor or… And you’ll get to hear the same from them!
- You’ve heard of Secret Santa. Why not a Secret St. Valentine?
- Get a box of Valentines like you did in elementary school and send them to all your friends.
- Open a bag of candy hearts and talk about who would be your dream recipient for each message. Then make up messages you wish were on the hearts as you drop them in glasses of champagne.
- Girl power movie marathon. My favorite is Legally Blonde.
- Host a sex toy party. No, it’s not your mother’s Mary Kay party. It’s a whole lot more fun!
- Take the day off and do something adventurous or fun outdoors. Maybe this Valentine’s Day will be when you can each cross skydiving off your bucket list!
- Retail therapy. A new pair of shoes always make a day better!
- Get a massage.
- Get Tarot readings.
- Giggle about your worst dates ever at the hottest bar in town. You’ll be sure to attract attention.
- Commit to a day of good deeds and share the stories with each other over dinner.
- Give out Valentine’s Day cards at a retirement home or hospice.
- Give out Valentine’s Day cards at your local fire station.
- Visit a pet shelter and cuddle or walk the pets.
- Have a potluck dessert party.
- Have a marshmallow fight. Each of you gets a bag of stale marshmallows to use as ammunition. (They’re less sticky when they’re stale, but still tasty!)
- Update or create on-line dating profiles.
- Host a flower arranging event. Get a bunch of flowers from a florist or grocery store. Ask everyone to bring a vase and spend the evening with wine, conversation and flower arranging.
- Setup a wine tasting party at your home, the local wine store or even a winery.
- Host a craft party — even macaroni crafts — with prizes for the most outlandish, etc.
- Host a dream date party: Everyone brings a picture of their favorite celebrity and a story of their ideal date with them. The best story wins a prize.
- Why I like being single! Being single can actually be kinda fabulous. Get together and talk about what’s perfect about being single. You’re bound to get some new perspectives.
- Plan and cook a amazing meal together. Serve it up like a 5-star restaurant would.
- Do a “chore” for each other. There are all kinds of ways to feel loved and sometimes getting help doing a “chore” can be a great way to demonstrate and experience love.
Just because you’re not romantically linked up doesn’t mean you can’t spend Valentine’s Day feeling and spreading the love. Give it a try and you’re sure to have a wonderful time.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article original appeared on YourTango.
My Attorney and I Aren’t on the Same Page – What Now?
This is a post by guest blogger Joy Ragan.
There is often a misconception that your attorney should be an extension of you. People believe the attorney is supposed to “speak on their behalf” and, therefore, should say or do exactly as the client directs. This is a dangerous way of thinking. Attorneys do speak for clients. Attorneys are their voice in the courtroom. However, attorneys are not puppets. If you and your attorney are not on the “same page” it probably means you have a good attorney.
Think of it this way, attorneys work in the system daily. Attorneys know the ways of the court system. They see thousands of cases and have a very different perspective from those who are going through a divorce. Attorneys are trained to deal with a case as a set of facts and to apply those facts to the law to gain the best possible result for the client. A person who is going through a divorce does not look at the situation in this way at all. It is actually a very unnatural way to view your circumstances. Especially in a divorce, there are many emotions. On some level, you want your attorney to “be on the same page”; to share your emotions and disgust with your spouse. However, this is the exact opposite of what you should want in a divorce attorney.
Choose a divorce attorney who is willing to tell you the truth and not just what you want to hear. You want to hear that you will get thousands of dollars a month in alimony or that you will get exactly the visitation schedule you desire or you won’t have to move out of your house or (insert whatever you preconception is here). I can imagine it is comforting to hear from a professional that you’ll get everything you want, that this traumatic experience will not be so bad and you’ll get to walk out of the marriage virtually unscathed.
That’s just not the truth. Extremely rare is the case where one party leaves the marriage without having to compromise or experience the loss of something that is really important to him/her. When you have an attorney who is preparing you for reality, it may very well feel like the two of you are not on the same page. It may feel like the attorney doesn’t understand you or your desires. You may find it hard to pay someone to work for you and have that person tell you things that you don’t like. However, this is the ideal attorney. You are emotional and struggling to think rationally (and understandably so). You do not want your attorney to be on this same page.
Often it doesn’t matter how gently the attorney attempts to steer the client away from emotions and toward a logical resolution to the case, the client feels discomfort. The natural instinct is to resist and cling to emotions. At this point, it is not unusual for the client to want to switch attorneys. Clients go in search of someone to tell them differently – to tell them what they want to hear. While there is nothing wrong with getting a second opinion, make sure you are getting a second opinion from a good attorney.
I have counseled many people who come to me seeking “second opinions” to stay with their attorney. Their attorney was giving good advice. The client just wasn’t emotionally ready to hear it. But, there are many attorneys who would rather make money than tell you that your attorney is on point. In family law cases, we often see clients who have been through multiple attorneys. They switch attorneys every time they feel as though they are not “on the same page” as their attorney. This is a red flag, not only for other attorneys, but for Judges. This behavior could be seriously detrimental to your case. Resist the impulse to act simply because your attorney is saying or suggesting things that are uncomfortable.
(Note from Karen: It’s also possible that your attorney truly isn’t the correct attorney for you. So, if when you get a second opinion from a good attorney they give you different advice, you might want to get a third opinion from another good attorney so you can be comfortable that you’re getting the best representation for you.)
The reality is that divorce hurts, the process is painful and the legal system is not designed to solve all of your problems. An attorney who will guide you to this reality is a good practitioner, especially when the two of you are “not on the same page”.
About Divorce Attorney Joy Ragan:
Joy Ragan is a Family Law and Criminal Law Attorney on a mission to see families healed and the legal system improved when it comes to divorce. An author, speaker, and web TV host, Joy is reaching people all over the world with her message of healthy conflict resolution and living every day with joy.
In addition to being an author and speaker, Joy practices law full time in Central Florida.
If you’re looking for more help on how to deal with the challenges you’re facing now, read more articles about Life After Divorce.
3 Priceless (Yet Practical!) Tips For Co-Parenting After Divorce
Here’s some parenting advice for whatever stage of separation or divorce you’re in.
Raising kids is a huge job made even trickier when dealing with separation and divorce. Although there are no easy answers, here is my best parenting advice for rising to the challenge. This may seem like an odd question, but how many times have you heard a flight attendant say the following?
“In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it so it covers your mouth and nose. Breathe normally. Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others.”
You hear it every single time you fly. No exceptions.
I think that getting divorced and a sudden loss of cabin pressure during flight have a lot in common. They’re both scary and you need to take care of yourself first. Unless you’re able to think clearly and take action when it’s needed, you won’t do anyone else any good. And, believe it or not, taking care of yourself is always my first piece of parenting advice for someone going through separation or divorce. No exceptions.
Just in case you might not agree that taking care of you is mandatory for being able to take care of your kids, let’s be frank about the realities of being a single parent. Regardless of the stage of your separation or divorce, when you are a single parent, parenting has an entirely different intensity to it. When your kids are with you, you get to assume the immediate roles of both mom and dad. You’re now 100% responsible for your kids’ education, entertainment, well-being and discipline. There’s no passing off issues to your spouse with a casual “Ask your Mom” or “Ask your Dad.” You’re it—all the time—24/7.
Another reality of being a single parent is the need to get really comfortable with the idea that you’ll have less control over the kids when they’re with their other parent. Yup, that means that if their other parent decides to feed them more junk food than you’d like or let them watch movies you don’t approve of or even introduce a new sweetie to the kids there might be little you can do about it.
More reality: It’s unlikely that your ex will suddenly change their parenting style or capabilities. A client of mine is a great parent and was the one the kids always went to for help and support before the separation and divorce. Now that the divorce is final, my client is still the one the kids go to, but now she’s frustrated by her ex’s lack of parenting skills. She’s admitted there was a part of her that was secretly hoping their father would suddenly become a great parent. Intellectually, she gets that he’s not going to change. We’ve been working on her unrealistic expectations and she’s making great strides in letting her secret hope go. Every step she takes toward fully accepting that the divorce won’t make him a better parent, she reclaims more energy to channel into being a better parent herself and to move even faster past the pain of her divorce and into her new life.
Being a single parent can be a big change from the parenting you did with your ex. Put this added responsibility on top of all the changes you’re going through with just the divorce and I hope you’re now in agreement with me when I give you my first piece of parenting advice: Take care of you first. No exceptions.
My second piece of parenting advice is that you need to establish an effective co-parenting base. To do this, you and your ex need to create a workable co-parenting agreement that puts the needs and welfare of the kids first.
If you’re one of the lucky ones you and your ex were great parents. It was just your relationship that didn’t work out. What I see for my clients in this situation is that they can often have an easier time co-parenting than others. However, if your divorce is contentious, then it may change a great parenting partnership into using the kids as weapons during the divorce proceedings and beyond.
If your parenting relationship with your kids’ other parent isn’t ideal, here is some parenting advice to get a more effective co-parenting base in place.
As part of your divorce agreement, you’ll most likely create a parenting plan. Ideally, you and your ex will both approach the parenting plan from what’s best for the kids and not what’s best for you. Raising happy, healthy kids that can be happy, healthy, contributing adults is the goal of every parent I know—including me. If you’re able to keep this goal in mind as you work with your ex and the attorneys to develop your parenting plan, you’ll be taking a huge step toward helping your kids’ become happy, healthy, contributing adults.
The other main piece of a solid base for co-parenting is establishing workable communication rules. Even in the midst of the worst, most contentious divorce, if you establish communication rules for co-parenting you’ll be effective co-parents. For instance, you might choose to text for everyday communications about the kids because talking on the phone just isn’t working right now. You might save phone calls for emergency situations and have a special code word you use when you do call to indicate that it is an emergency.
My third piece of parenting advice works best if the first two pieces are in place. My suggestion is that you keep in mind that the divorce is happening to the kids too. They need your support and compassion without using the divorce as an excuse for poor behavior on either their part or yours.
For most kids, it’s important that you and your ex tell them together about your separation and divorce before it happens. Your kids will have questions and fears that you’ll both want to deal with as honestly and openly as is appropriate. You’ll both want to assure them that they’re still loved. It’s O.K. to let them see you cry and that you’re sad about the situation too. By letting them see your emotions you give them more freedom to express their sadness and fear about how their life will be changing too.
Kids go through grief and need to recover from divorce, too. In fact, your kids might need a support team to help them get through all the changes. You’ll want to let their teachers and school know what’s going on. You’ll probably also want to let their coaches, tutors, and anyone else who sees the kids regularly know what’s going on. That way you can help provide direction on how you’d like for them to support your kids as they go through this major transition. It’s also fairly common for parents to seek out a divorce support group for children or even a therapist to help their children process all that’s happening.
When your kids travel between your home and their other parent’s home, there’s a big transition that they go through. In most cases, each home has their own rules, different sets of toys, different clothes, different responsibilities and different relationships with each parent. It’s hard for kids to immediately shift from one home to the other. Being compassionate, patient, and firm will go a long way toward helping make the transitions a bit easier.
Despite everything that’s going on with the divorce, your kids still need to have set routines and structure that teach responsibility. Obviously, make these routines and structure age and developmental stage appropriate. A mistake that I see many parents make is having the children take on the chores and household responsibilities of their ex. All this does is makes your children even more resentful of the divorce, you and your ex.
Unfortunately, many divorcing parents will naturally skip over my first two pieces of advice and only focus on their kids. This can be a recipe for disaster.
If a parent doesn’t take care of themselves first and get the support they need to work through their divorce, it’s very easy for them to use their children as substitutes for adult friends and confidantes. I know of one man who made this mistake with his daughter. At the time, his daughter felt wonderful about the close relationship she had with her dad. But after a while she became stressed out from taking care of him. She made a poor decision and turned to drugs to help her cope. Of course she didn’t know that at the time, but after years of therapy, she was able to recognize what had happened and re-establish a relationship with her dad.
If parents don’t take the time to establish an effective co-parenting base, the kids can have an extreme reaction to leaving one home for the other. I know of one case where a little boy began having hysterics every time it was time for him to switch homes. Each of his parents would regularly grill him about what was going on in the other’s home. They were also only able to allow their son to go from one home to another by parking in a public place like a McDonald’s. They’d load him up with everything he needed to take with him and let him walk alone across the parking lot to his other parent’s car. Is it any wonder this little boy got upset when it was time to switch homes?
I hope you’ll put all three of these pieces of parenting advice into practice because taken together they can help you more easily achieve your goal of raising happy, healthy kids that grow up into happy, healthy, contributing adults despite the fact that you’re going through separation and divorce.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
What do you need to do to take better care of yourself as you’re going through separation and divorce? Many people don’t realize how helpful it can be to have a support team help you get through your divorce. You might want to read “Finding the Right Divorce Experts for You” to give you some ideas of the help that’s out there.
How can you create a more effective co-parenting base? Is your parenting plan based on your needs or your kids’ needs? Have you established workable communication rules? If not, now’s the time to make some changes.
How can you be a more supportive and compassionate parent while not using the divorce as an excuse? Do each of your children have appropriate chores and responsibilities? Are you spending quality 1:1 time with each of your children?
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Rediscovering You After Divorce
Despite stress, confusion and misery. There’s a gift in divorce if you look for it.
Have you heard the story of the frog in the pot? In case you haven’t, it goes something like this. Imagine you took one of your old pots down to your local pond on a frog hunt. Your goal is to capture a frog along with some of the pond in your pot and bring your prizes back home. After sloshing through the muck for a while, you hear a ribbit off to your right. You slog your way as quietly as you can toward the sound and there it is the source of the ribbit — a huge frog! You slowly sneak up on the warty warbling beast and capture him, his lily pad and a bunch of pond water in your old pot.
Covered with a bit of pond scum, you make your way back home with your prize. When you walk in your front door, you make your way to the kitchen where you put the pot containing the frog, lily pad and pond water on the stove and turn the burner on low. Almost immediately, the frog is contentedly ribbiting away. You head off to change your clothes and check your e-mail. After a while you notice that the frog has stopped its singing. You walk back to the kitchen and find frog soup boiling away on the stove. Why didn’t the frog jump out of the pot?! It turns out that the water temperature was changing so slowly that the frog didn’t notice that it was becoming soup.
The same thing happens to you and me when changes are small and gradual. We don’t notice that they’re happening. For many people in a relationship that ends in divorce, that’s exactly what happened to them. They started off their partnership with all kinds of joy and the hope of living happily ever after; but over time, things changed and not for the better. Usually these changes are made to keep the peace or for the kids or to keep from rocking the boat. But the truth is, when you make changes for these reasons, you’re really giving up a part of yourself. You’re giving up who you really are.
And this is what I want you to understand. I want you to recognize that along with all the stress, confusion and misery of divorce there just might be a gift for you. The gift is having the time and space to rediscover the bits and pieces of yourself that you gave up for the sake of the marriage. The bits and pieces may be big or they may be small, either way, they’re important.
For example, I know of a woman who gave up garlic for her partner who was allergic to it. Now giving up garlic might seem like a small thing, but this woman loves Italian food and for years she made Italian meals without garlic. When they split, one of the first things she was able to rediscover about herself was her absolute love of cooking and eating garlic-laden Italian food at home.
I gave up something bigger than garlic for the sake of my first marriage. I gave up on my need for a relationship with my husband. Over the years we stopped having meaningful conversations and doing things together. I tried to figure out ways to change things, but wasn’t successful. So I accepted it and pretended that being roommates who had a joint checking account and occasionally had sex was enough for me. After living like this for a few years I finally realized that it wasn’t enough and that I missed the part of me who enjoyed having a real relationship. That was when my ex-husband and I began talking about getting divorced. We divorced about a year later.
I don’t know what bits and pieces of yourself you gave up for the sake of your marriage, but I’m pretty sure you’ve given up something that you just might be happy to find again now after divorce. Unlike the frog that became soup, you can rediscover the bits and pieces of you—the real you—that you slowly changed and gave up for the marriage. Now, you get to be wholly, completely and wonderfully you again.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
What do you know you gave up for the sake of the marriage? What would you be glad to have back in your life again? What could you do today to start to get it back?
You might have given up something so long ago that you’ve forgotten what it was. No worries! Just take a few minutes and think about some of the things you enjoyed as a kid. Anything you’d like to try again now? Take another few minutes and think about the things you enjoyed doing before you got married. What would you like to try again now? How can you start to get more of these enjoyable things in your life?
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
How To Deal With Loneliness Of Divorce
Your divorce will probably be one of the most intense emotional experiences you’ll ever face. It sure was for me. I had all these powerful emotions hit me one after another, often in a confusing and frightening way.
Sound familiar?
The world of divorce can feel like a tornado has come through your life and wiped away all that was familiar and safe. I thought of it as being tied up, blind-folded and stuffed into the front seat of a runaway roller coaster. I never knew when I was going to be slammed to the left or right by a sharp turn and I dreaded any slow upward movement because I knew that at some point I would drop down into depths I couldn’t imagine or be thrown into a loop-de-loop or even be caught up in a corkscrew.
I’ll be honest with you. There were times back then when I thought I might be going insane.
What I’ve found out since my divorce in 2002 is that the emotions of divorce are intense and change rapidly for most people. These emotions often include denial, fear, hope, anger, loss, guilt, confusion, rejection and loneliness.
I think the loneliness was the hardest for me and that’s why I’ve developed some very specific strategies for how to deal with loneliness of divorce. Below are the top two strategies that work best with my clients and I’m hoping you’ll find them helpful too.
My 3 Strategies For How To Deal With Loneliness During The Divorce Process
First, I know this is going to sound simple, but sometimes the best solutions are really simple. It’s easy to think that your grief and loneliness are so profound that they must need a complex answer to help soothe them. But the truth is, simple is often best because you can apply these solutions again and again and again.
And believe me, it can be a saving grace to know that progress is being made, even if it feels like the loneliness is still there. If you can remember to apply these techniques every time you struggle, it will be much easier to not feel disappointed that you’re not fully over your ex. Because getting over the past takes time. That’s just the reality of grief and loss. So let’s begin…
Solution #1: Hugs
One of the easiest things to do to help yourself when you’re feeling sad and lonely is to give yourself a hug. And yes, I do mean wrapping your arms around your chest, placing your hands just below your shoulder joints and squeezing. Hold this hug for a bit and after a while you’ll notice that you’re taking deeper breaths. Continue until you sigh and you can start to feel the tension, loneliness and pain leaving your body and being replaced by a sense of feeling supported and loved.
There’s something especially comforting about hugs. I used to think that the only good kinds of hugs were from others, either human or animal, but I’ve found that hugging body pillows and especially hugging myself can have fabulously calming and comforting results too.
Solution #2: Talking it out to find perspective
One of the most powerful techniques for how to heal from a divorce or breakup is to talk about what’s going on inside of you. And I don’t mean that you have to hire a therapist or coach (although they do serve their place), here I’m speaking about the power of talking to a trusted friend or loved one who is open to hearing you share. By talking about your feelings, you can release their hold on you. Memories are incredibly powerful and by keeping your thoughts locked away, you don’t get a chance to have a cathartic release which is meaningful in gaining perspective.
Let’s face it, sometimes, the feelings inside are not 100% real. Sure you feel lonely. Sure you miss your ex. And yes, you will mourn the future you’ll never have together. But if those memories or thoughts are locked inside, the only dose of reality on them is colored by your feelings. This can cause memories to be skewed or altered to fill some longing you have about your ex or the time you spent together.
When you share your feelings with someone you trust, you have the opportunity to hear back another person’s perspective on the event. Over time, you may find, as I did, that my memories were not always accurate. Often in moments of deep loneliness, I would forget mean things he said or ways he negated my feelings or ignored my needs. My loneliness told me to be sad that he was gone, but when I shared with my friend and she recalled her experience of my ex I could start to see a more realistic accounting of my him and our story. In fact, he wasn’t the dreamboat I recalled.
My feelings of loneliness, of being abandoned, my fear that I would never find love again or that I was doomed to die alone, husbandless and lonely, had a direct effect on the stories I recalled in my mind when I was sad.
Talking with someone you trust (especially someone who was in your life when you were married) can be an exceptionally good way to hold a realistic mirror up and look back on the truth. Not the filtered truth, the WHOLE truth. And that can help you in moments when you’re feeling the most lost and lonely to keep it in perspective. Because you’re not really missing him, you’re missing the fairy tale version of him and that’s important to remember.
Solution #3: Acceptance
The only way to get through the loneliness is to accept that it’s a natural part of the healing process of divorce. Your life is changing in a pretty dramatic way and it’s OK to feel lonely when the spouse you shared your life with isn’t a daily part of it any more.
Acceptance means believing in your heart, mind and soul that the end is here. You can’t go back, you can only move forward. Part of that journey ahead means addressing your feelings, they are on this path with you. You can’t ignore your emotions, they have a funny way of making themselves known even if you don’t want to acknowledge them.
So here, in the world of accepting the truth about what happened means letting your emotions come up and greeting them when they arrive. If you’re sad, feel it. If you’re mad, let that in too. If you’re jealous or worried those too have a place in the healing process. And if you want to learn how to get past feeling lonely, you have to first feel your loneliness and then you can begin to interpret what it really means.
Acceptance is one of those things that can usually be helped by solution #2. In addition to talking with people who love you (like your friends and adult family members) it can also be quite wise to talk with people who are also dealing with divorce like those in a divorce support group, people who have successfully healed from divorce themselves and as you need it, a professional like a divorce therapist, a clergy member or a divorce coach. Each person on this list can help you gain both perspective and wisdom about what your future healing process holds
Here I’m being very specific about the people who are typically great at helping because I have seen firsthand the mistakes people make when they try to rely on people for counsel who are not vested in your healing.
Strategies That Are NOT Effective For Dealing With Loneliness
Unfortunately, many people think that the way to deal with their loneliness is to seek another relationship. This can have tragic results. When you enter into another relationship before allowing yourself to heal completely and become a whole person again, you run the risk of getting into a relationship with someone who is just like your ex or someone who is the exact opposite. Usually, this doesn’t work out so well and I can tell you from personal experience that breaking up with a new boyfriend before you’ve healed from your divorce can feel especially devastating. (I felt like a double loser when it happened to me.)
Even worse, people sometimes deal with the loneliness of their divorce by talking with their kids about it. They’ll tell the kids their fears under the guise of being honest, but the truth is they just need someone to talk to and the kids are an easy audience. Kids aren’t cut out to be an adult friend to either one of their parents during divorce and the long-term effects on both the kids and the parent-child relationship are just too costly. Believe me, it’s worth finding someone else to talk with.
Loneliness is a normal part of divorce recovery. If you’re ready to stop fighting this and embrace it as part of the natural progression everyone must go through, I have your assignment to help get through your loneliness quickly.
Your Assignment For How To Deal With Loneliness:
Give yourself a hug right now. I’m serious. Go ahead and try it right now. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how good it feels. Be sure and continue hugging yourself until you sigh – that’s how you’ll know you’re allowing yourself to relax and be comforted. (It’s OK if you start to cry on your way to sighing.)
Are you relying on the right person or people to talk to? Think about who you have been relying on to support you through your loneliness as well as the other emotional upheavals you’re experiencing? Are these people serving your needs? Are they helping? Hurting? Asking the right questions? Making you feel overall better or worse after you talk to them? Based on the suggestions above, can you say that you’re relying on the appropriate people to support you? Do you need to look for another way to get the support you need?
And I want you to know you don’t have to continue going through this alone. I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor, and I know what you’re going through because I’ve been through it too. I specialize in helping people heal from divorce and breakups and get on with their lives. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Here are two more articles to help you cope with loneliness:
Healing From Divorce: Overcoming Your Loneliness
How You Can Break Through The Soul-Crusting Loneliness Of Divorce
Finding Hope Is The Key To Moving On After Divorce
When I was 13, my Grandpa died. I was devastated. He was my favorite person in the entire world and I was never going to see him again.
I wasn’t alone in my grief, my entire family was devastated – especially my Grandma. Grandma and Grandpa were very happily married and they were each other’s world.
Eventually, we were all able to process our grief and move on with our lives – except for Grandma. For the next 20 years, until her death, my grandma mourned the loss of her husband. When things happened that she didn’t like, she’d say, “Your grandpa wouldn’t have let that happen.” When things happened that she did like, she’d say, “Your grandpa would have liked that.”
It was really hard for me to hear her make comments like these. Every time I heard her make one of these statements I would cringe internally. It seemed to me that she must be missing out on life since she was so focused on the past and what she had lost.
I have very similar feelings today when I hear one of my clients tell me about how much they mourn what they used to have in their marriage. Don’t get me wrong, grief is a very normal and necessary part of divorce. No one can tell anyone else how long they need to grieve.
The thing is I also know that sometimes people don’t know how to finish grieving and start moving on after divorce. They wind up keeping themselves imprisoned in what was and what they believe should have been instead of figuring out ways to enjoy what is and what might be. I certainly don’t want that to happen to you.
What I’ve discovered in my years working with people dealing with divorce is that the individuals who are most successful in moving on after divorce are those who have hope that their life can and will be good, if not great, again.
Going through divorce can feel like you’re stuck in a long, dark, dank, cobweb-filled and scary tunnel. Hope can be the light at the end of the tunnel.
One of the quickest ways to find hope and start the process of moving on after divorce is to get in action – directed and planned action. To do this requires thoughtful planning. I’m not talking about the kind of planning that you force yourself to accomplish by a specific deadline. I’m talking about creating plans that inspire you to take action, that make you happy to think about accomplishing and that you are willing to do what it takes to achieve.
For many of my clients moving on after divorce often starts with the hope of being in another relationship. We start to turn this hope into a plan by stepping back from the idea of being in another relationship by figuring out what has to happen before they can be in another relationship. Usually that means they need to be dating. If they’re not currently dating, we take a step back and ask what needs to happen before they can be dating. Usually that means they need to meet people they can date. We continue this process of backing things up until we find an action they can take right now. An action that gives them hope that what they want to have in their life they can!
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
What do you hope to have in your life? Allow yourself to truly dream when you answer this question. You can look at divorce as a chance at a do-over. What do you happily hope for?
As you take a step back from this hope, what needs to happen before your hope is a reality? It’s OK if you don’t know the EXACT thing that needs to happen before your hope is realized, just think about what in general needs to be true before your hope is realized.
Continue taking steps back until you have an action you can take today. Every day you have choices you can make about what you do. Wouldn’t it be great fun if one of the things you did today got you closer to making your hope a reality?
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice . And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach.
If you’re looking for more help recovering from your divorce, read more articles about Healing After Divorce.
Divorced? How To Add Some Happiness To Your Holidays
Unlike Grandma’s recipe for fudge, dealing with divorce over the holidays isn’t usually a recipe for happiness. More often than not, it’s a recipe for days of pasted on smiles and long nights of extreme sadness. Luckily, it doesn’t HAVE to be that way.
One of the things I teach in my teleconferences and to my clients is that when you’re going through divorce you need to learn the difference between your emotional box and your business box.
You’re in your emotional box when you allow yourself to express and experience all the emotions associated with your divorce. Depending on where you are in your divorce journey, your emotional box could be filled with pain, hurt, shock, denial, fear, loneliness, guilt, rejection, grief and anger. None of these emotions are especially helpful for making the holidays merry and bright.
You’re in your business box when you allow yourself to focus only on the decisions and tasks that you must address. For example, it’s best to be in your business box when you’re selecting your divorce attorney and when you’re negotiating the terms of your divorce settlement.
Because these boxes have such distinct purposes, it’s very helpful to be able to choose which box you’re in to deal with different parts of your divorce.
To give you a little practice with this idea, I’m going to ask you to step into your business box as you read the rest of what I’ll be sharing with you about how to experience more happiness in your emotional box.
Dating After Divorce? Consider Blended Families
Bonus children, FTW!
When it comes to dating for re-singled (a.k.a. divorced) parents, odds are that the people you’re dating will have kids of their own, too. Thoughts of entering into a serious relationship or even remarriage gives many re-singled parents cause for pause if not outright alarm because we’ve all heard the stories about evil stepparents since we were little (thank you, Cinderella!).
But that’s not how it has to be! With a bit of work, It’s possible to create successful blended families.
My husband and I met online through eHarmony. The picture he used for his profile was an adorable one of him with his youngest son (now my bonus son). When we had our first date, one of the things I asked him about was his kids.
Boy, talk about a conversation killer! He made it clear that he didn’t want to talk about them. I laughed a bit when he told me this and told him that he should probably consider changing his profile picture in light of that! Luckily, we found other things to talk about and wound up enjoying our evening.
What I didn’t know then was that his first attempt at a blended family didn’t turn out well. His refusal to talk about his kids was just his being protective.
Luckily, we’ve been able to avoid some of the missteps of his first attempt at a blended family. Through some trial and error, we’ve been able to create a successful blended family.
You can create a successful blended family, too. The number one thing you need to know?
Successful blended families don’t “just happen” — they take work and planning.
Before you enter into a serious relationship or remarriage, it’s important that you spend some time with your new significant other planning what type of life you’ll have together, before you dive into that life.
In addition to planning your dreams of happily ever after, you’ll want to agree on parenting styles, discipline styles, and lifestyle (yes, I did say “agree” and not “compromise”. Successful blended families require partners to be on the same page in these critical areas.)
Once you’ve reached agreement, you’ll need to consider each of your children, their personalities, and how different these styles of parenting, discipline, and living are from the way you’re currently doing them.
Will the changes be large or small for each child? The smaller the changes, the more easily the child will be able to adapt. If the changes are large, you’ll want to consider making the changes gradually before blending your families full-time so each child will have the fewest obstacles to overcome in making the blended family a success for them, too.
No matter how carefully you plan or how easy you try to make the transition, it’s really normal for the kids to have different plans. These different plans are usually based on confusion and fear. It’s also normal for kids to feel jealous of their bonus family members. And it’s fairly typical for kids to feel angry about your remarriage because it messes up their dream of Mom and Dad getting back together again.
The five best things you can do to help all the kids involved are:
- Be clear about expectations and boundaries
- Communicate regularly as a family about family issues and with each child about what they’re feeling and what’s going on in their lives
- Let each child know you support them in loving their birth parent and that your new spouse is their bonus parent
- Take time every day to spend time one-on-one with each of your children and offer the same to each of your bonus kids
- Do fun things as a family
For most re-singled parents, their kids are a top priority, but successful blended families aren’t built on being great parents and making the kids happy. Successful blended families are built on marital bliss!
Marital bliss also needs to be planned for. You’ll need to plan for and schedule alone time for dates, vacations alone together, loud sex, and even just walking around the house naked.
The one thing that can help the most with all this is getting the kids on the same custody schedule as much as possible. That way you can regularly have kid-free weekends to focus on each other, connect, and strengthen your marriage without the demands of parenting. It’s from this base of a strong marriage that the success of your blended marriage must be built.
Creating successful blended families does take planning and the best plans include heaping helpings of communication, respect, commitment, and patience.
Try this Functional Divorce Assignment to get your planning off on the right foot:
- Spend some time dreaming together about what you want your life together to be like. Make your dreams as specific as possible. By being specific about your dreams, you’ll both know when you’re on-course and when you drift off-course so you can correct things more quickly.
- Talk about your parenting styles, discipline styles and lifestyles. Be completely honest here. I know one couple who didn’t have completely honest conversations about parenting and discipline styles before they got married. The result was that the first time the new wife saw her new husband’s parenting style and non-existent discipline style with his child she told him that she wouldn’t have married him if she had know this before-hand. Luckily, they’ve been able to work it out, but it would have been so much easier to do before they blended their families.
- Consider each child’s potential reaction to having a bonus family. Each child has their own personality and will react differently to having a bonus family. By working together you and your new spouse can help to make the transition into your blended family be easier for each child.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
What I Wish All Kids Of Divorced Parents Thought About The Holidays
Divorce and the holidays can make things pretty miserable for kids. Here’s how to help your kids of divorce have happier holidays even if they aren’t with you.
For way too many kids of divorced parents the holidays aren’t all that merry. Instead, the holidays are filled with confusion and guilt.
These kids experience confusion because they often have a hard time keeping track of schedules about when they’re going to be with Mom, when they’re going to be with Dad, and when they’re going to be with their friends. Then layered on top of this confusion is guilt.
Kids of divorced parents often feel the need to be actors. They don’t want to upset Mom by talking about Dad in front of her and they don’t want to upset Dad by talking about Mom in front of him. So, these kids learn to act like their other parent isn’t as important as the parent they’re with right now. The pressure to continue the charade amps up around the holidays and then the guilt comes. Many of these kids feel guilty that they’re looking forward to being with the other parent and that they have to leave the parent they’re with right now to do that.
I got to see this confusion and guilt first-hand with my bonus sons.
The first time I spent the holidays with the boys, I was uncertain what to expect and a little cautious.
The way things worked out, our first holiday together was New Year’s. Cameron, our youngest, was only 13 at the time, and he was required to transfer flights in traveling from his mom’s home to our new home on the other side of the country. Because none of the adults involved, much less Cameron, was comfortable with him doing this on his own, his older brother, Anthony, came along with Cam to visit us.
The boys were extremely happy to be spending time with their dad. I did my best to make sure we all had a fun time and celebrated the New Year in a way that everyone could participate in. (I bought some fun champagne flutes and chilled a bunch of Dr Pepper. Instead of toasting in the New Year with a glass of champagne, we welcomed it with our Dr Pepper and a burping contest. Talk about unusual and fun!)
At some point during their visit, I innocently asked the boys about their Christmas.
It was as if I’d hit a switch. Both of them became very quiet, their faces went blank and they gave me an obligatory “It was fine.” I was genuinely interested in hearing about how wonderful their Christmas was, but they just weren’t comfortable talking about it – especially with their dad within earshot.
I also was confused about Cam’s repeated asking about when he and Anthony were going to leave. Back then, I wasn’t sure why he was asking. Was it because he was homesick, because he couldn’t remember, or because of some other reason? Now, after learning all I’ve learned about blended families and enjoying my bonus family, I understand that it was probably a combination of all of the above. I also know that there was one other very important reason. He had two different homes – one with Mom and one with Dad that was VERY far away from Mom’s.
Luckily our holidays today aren’t tainted by any of the kids feeling confusion or guilt. Of course, they’re all adults now, but we’ve all made an effort over the years to encourage them to enjoy the holidays and look at them as opportunities for double the presents, double the fun, and double the love.
THIS is what I wish all kids with divorced parents thought about the holidays – double the presents, double the fun, and double the love.
The thing is kids with divorced parents need help to get there. And it’s up to us, their divorced parents along with their bonus parents to help. We need to be OK – really, genuinely OK – with knowing the kids love their other parent and bonus parent and that they have fun with them. It’s only by being OK with this knowledge that any of us are going to be able to provide a safe place for the kids to just be themselves and not worry about having to act a particular way in front of us. By doing this we can go a long way to eliminating the guilt that so many kids with divorced parents experience during the holidays.
Eliminating, or at least minimizing, the confusion the kids have about where they’re going to be and when is something that’s fairly easily solved with calendars that get used and talked about in both of their homes. That’s one thing that I wish I had known about when Cam was still a kid. I know it would have made a HUGE difference in how he was able to keep track of time while he visited with us because I know the HUGE difference it’s made in the lives of other kids with divorced parents.
So how can you help your kids with divorced parents think about the holidays as being filled with double the presents, double the fun, and double the love? Take a peek at Your Functional Divorce Assignment and I’ll give you a few ideas.
Your Divorce And The Holidays Assignment:
Get really comfortable and OK with the facts. Your kids love you. Your kids love their other parent(s), too. Your kids might even love their bonus parents. Your acceptance of these facts is the first step for you to be able to support your kids in having healthy relationships with all the adults in their lives.
Encourage your kids in their excitement about spending some time with their other parent(s) – especially over the holidays. Have you ever noticed how much more you enjoy something when you’ve been able to anticipate it? The same thing works for your kids. The more you allow them to anticipate the holiday events with you and their other parent, the more they’ll be able to enjoy all the festivities and the more comfortable they’ll be in just being themselves.
Get a calendar. If you haven’t already, get a calendar that you can use as a family to note when the kids are going to be with you and when they’re going to be with their other parent. It goes a long way toward helping the kids be able to plan what they want to do too.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.