Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
Married To A Drama Queen (Or King)? Here’s How To Handle It
Use these four steps to better manage the outbursts of your drama queen or king.
Remember when you first met your spouse? They seemed so alive and fearless about passionately expressing their emotions and opinions. They were the life of whatever gathering they were part of. And They seemed incredibly confident and sexy.
When this amazing person became interested in you, you were naturally and willingly drawn in to their exciting world.
But now, their exciting world is sucking you dry. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells because you’re afraid of triggering another episode. And you’re so drained of emotional energy that it’s hard to pursue the things that are important to you. You might even find yourself avoiding being anywhere near your high-strung spouse.
Making a marriage work takes a lot of effort on the part of both spouses. The trouble is that when you’re married to a drama queen (or king) it can seem like you’re the only adult since they’re so busy trying to grab all the attention by throwing temper tantrums and insisting that you take care of them regardless of what else is happening.
But it is possible to make your marriage work despite your spouse’s theatrical nature and without destroying yourself in the process.
You need to take four steps to manage your part in the drama and thereby allow/encourage/challenge your dramatic spouse to change their ways.
1. Recognize your drama queen’s (or king’s) tricks.
Here’s a list of some of the more common tactics they use:
- Worships you one minute and despises you the next based on overreactions to minor events.
- Makes over-the-top showings of vulnerability in response to minor events (e.g., crying hysterically or panic attacks).
- Avoids discussions in favor of a monologue during which they expect you to play your part (e.g., exclamations of surprise and asking “then what happened?”).
- Rarely remembers what’s going on with you.
- Dominates social gatherings with personal stories and/or demands.
- Overshares regularly.
- Betrays secrets.
- Makes threats, including self-harm and divorce.
- Takes everything personally because they’re hyper-sensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt.
- Misunderstands, jumps to conclusions and blows up, then demands an apology from you.
- Blames you instead of taking responsibility for their mistakes and NEVER forgets how you made that mistake.
- Believes that loud emotions show strength because calm people are wimps.
- Regularly tops good/bad fortune in your life with a story of their own.
All of these tactics are designed to accomplish one goal – to get you to acknowledge that they’re important. Drama queens and kings need validation and attention. And as their spouse, they see your primary purpose as taking care of this need for them. Unfortunately, over time they stop caring if the validation and attention you give them is positive or negative because either way you’re feeding their need.
2. Understand why they are so dramatic.
If you’re not of such an emotional bent, it’s hard to really get why anyone would act like this. And that’s because it’s out of your experience (and the fact that you’re not a trained therapist who knows what this stuff is).
According to Ophelia Austin-Small in her Scientific American article, there are several reasons why someone would behave as a drama queen or king:
- A personality disorder like borderline personality disorder (BPD) or histrionic personality disorder.
- Childhood trauma ranging from abuse to natural disasters.
- Childhood neglect – physical, emotional, intellectual
- Genetic predisposition
Regardless of the root cause of the overly dramatic behavior, the brain of a drama queen or king seems to be different in two distinct ways. Austin-Small reports that they seem “to have weaker circuitry for inhibiting inappropriate reactions to negative emotions, making it difficult for them to stop themselves from acting out.” She also reports that the area of the brain that processes feelings is hyperactive and could cause a drama queen and king to have more intense emotions.
Now that you understand what creates an overly dramatic person, it becomes obvious that one of the best resources they can have is a therapist. It’s true. You’re not their best resource. (Hopefully, you’re breathing a huge sigh of relief and feeling a bit less trapped.)
3. Get real about why you are drawn to the drama.
Yup, there’s something about your spouse’s behavior that fascinates you (or used to). Maybe it is how open they are with their emotions because you have a difficult time expressing yours. Maybe it’s the limelight they can draw to themselves because you’ve felt like a wallflower. Maybe it’s because you feel important since they need you so much.
By getting clear about your part in the situation, you’ll feel incredibly powerful because there’s something specific you can do to address your needs and start breaking the melodramatic cycle of your marriage.
4. Five tips for mitigating the outbursts.
- Recognize when your drama queen/king is getting dramatic (and when they’ve gone too far). When you spouse starts using hyperbole or starts making accusations or starts trying to steal the show, they’re getting dramatic. (You might want to check out Unstuck.com’s tip card for decoding a drama queen’s language.)
The trouble is that if they don’t get the attention they’re craving from you by these techniques, they’ll turn up the volume on their drama. And unfortunately, sometimes the drama crosses over into abuse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline “Abuse is a repetitive pattern of behaviors to maintain power and control over an intimate partner. These are behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. Abuse includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of abuse can be going on at any one time.”
If your spouse has crossed the line into abuse, you need to get help for your situation immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great place to start looking for help.
- Set boundaries. Your life doesn’t need to continually be hijacked by your spouse’s behavior and neediness. You can decide what you will and won’t tolerate.
For example, if your spouse demands your complete attention at the drop of a hat and regardless of what you are doing, you can lay out strict criteria for when you will address their concerns because they are not allowed to hijack your life.
- Stop rewarding their behavior. If you pay attention to them when they act out, they’re learning that they can get what they need by acting out and they’ll continue to do it.
So no matter what they pull – breaking things, insulting you, making threats, throwing a fit over something insignificant – remain calm. Don’t try to fix things for them. Don’t respond with insults, threats, or a fit of your own.
If they see they’ve gotten to you, they’ll know they can get your attention by continuing to behave in this way. And you sure don’t want that!
- Practice self-care. Living with a drama queen or king is exhausting. You’ve got to spend time taking care of you especially after one of their outbursts. Learn what things help you to get back to you and out of the negativity. You might try meditation or taking a walk or getting a massage.
- Distance yourself. Putting some distance between you and your spouse when they’re acting out is very important. Maybe by remembering what is at the root of their overly dramatic behavior you’ll be able to emotionally detach from an outburst. You might also remember why you are (or were) drawn to the drama in the first place and correct your contribution to the situation.
However, if you’ve tried everything and the situation isn’t improving, it might be time to consider leaving your marriage or even separating for a time.
Being married to a drama queen or king is challenging and exhausting because you’re afraid of triggering another outburst. There’s only so much you can do to change the situation.
But that’s the good news too, there are things you can do to change your experience. And that’s what counts – making your life with your spouse less painful and worrisome.
There is a bonus to all of your efforts though. By addressing what you can, you’re giving your melodramatic mate the opportunity to address their behavior too.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach. I help people just like you who are looking for advice and support as they decide if their marriage can be saved. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more marriage advice? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
How Long Does It Take To Be Happy Again?
Being happy again isn’t a time thing. It’s a you thing.
One of the most frequently asked questions about divorce recovery is “How long does it take to be happy again?” It’s asked not only as a reflection of what seems like interminable pain, but also because there is so much conflicting information out there about how long it takes! For example, back in 2010, the Daily Mail reported that it takes EXACTLY 17 months and 26 days to get over divorce. Others report that it takes 2 years and still others say that it will take 1 year for every 4 years of marriage.
And you know what? All of these numbers are horribly wrong – at least when it comes to you.
Why? Because no one else has gone through EXACTLY what you’ve gone and are going through and no one else has your EXACT personality.
Yup, your personality has a lot to do with how long it takes you to feel happy again post-divorce.
Are you someone who carries a lot of negative emotion? Do you dwell on unanswerable questions about the past: “What if…” or “If only…”? Are your fears controlling your life? Do you doubt that you’ll ever be happy again? Do you believe that you’re inadequate? Do you believe that the failure of your marriage means that you’re a failure?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions and if you maintain these beliefs and the personality that perpetuates these beliefs, it will take you longer than necessary to feel happy again. Not a very comforting thought, right?
As unsettling as it is, it’s also true. You see, you’ll never be able to move on with your life unless you start thinking and behaving differently. Remember what Einstein said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but as long as you allow yourself to wallow in the misery of your divorce, you’ll NEVER feel happy again. And wallowing is exactly what you’re doing if you’re answering the questions above in the affirmative.
So what can you do to foster happiness after divorce? Well, the first thing is to decide to answer one of the questions you responded “yes” to with a “no” and do everything in your power to make that the truth.
For example, if you normally carry a lot of negative emotion and want to stop doing so, you could start noticing every time something negative comes out of your mouth and immediately change it to something positive.
“I’m so depressed” could become “I’m feeling depressed, but I know I feel better when I get moving so I’m going for a quick walk to brighten my mood.” And then take that quick walk.
Another way you can shift from a negative mindset is to be more kind and compassionate – to yourself. And as you become more kind and compassionate an amazing thing happens, you become grateful and from there it’s a VERY short distance to happiness.
(Most people assume that once they’re happy then they can be grateful, but they’re wrong. Being grateful actually creates happiness. And the shortest distance to gratitude is by being kind and compassionate.)
Being happy again after divorce isn’t a time-based thing.
Being happy again after divorce is a mindset and perception thing. And you’re the only one who has control over that. So instead of asking others and continuing to do research about how long it will take to be happy again, you need to get busy doing what it takes to be happy again.
It’s OK if you don’t know what to do to be happy again. If you did, you’d already be doing it.
Try using the questions above to guide you toward happiness. You can also check out this self-assessment. It will not only give you an idea of how much further you have to go before you are completely over your divorce, but it will also give you specific and personalized tasks to do to get there.
It may not seem like it now, but you truly do hold the key to being happy again. You just need to decide that you’re done with the pain and ready to stop being miserable, then do the work to find the happiness you desire.
Looking for more help with and information about moving on after divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Life After Divorce.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are struggling with how to find happiness again after divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared at DivorceForce.
The Divorce Advice You Need For Healing After Divorce
These eight tips are the perfect guides for healing after divorce.
Around the world, hundreds of thousands of people divorce each year. Some of these divorcees are able to heal and move forward with their lives. And some of these people become bitter and remain miserable for years and years if not the rest of their lives.
If you’re in the process of getting over your divorce, you’re probably wondering what’s the difference between these two groups of people because you want to do everything in your power to make sure you’re not part of the latter group.
The difference between these two groups comes down to whether or not they’re able to follow these 8 key pieces of advice for healing after divorce:
- Be Gentle With Yourself. Getting divorced is one of the most difficult experiences anyone can have. It’s exhausting emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. So resist the temptation to put too much pressure on yourself to get things done despite the seemingly never-ending list of things you’ve got to get done. The truth is that if you don’t have the energy or mental capacity to accomplish your tasks, you’ll only be making a bigger mess of things. So take the time you need to recharge and take care of you.
- Practice Shifting Your Focus To What’s Good. Sifting through the chaos of divorce is a less than pleasant experience. But that doesn’t mean that everything about your life is bad. By regularly focusing on what’s good and pulling yourself out of focusing on all the negative, you’ll find that you’ll have more energy to go back and deal with the chaos.
- Develop The Right “Healing After Divorce” Plan For You. What it takes for you to get through your divorce will differ from what it takes or took for anyone else. That’s because you’re unique and your marriage was unique. So spend some time figuring out what you need to do and what support you need right now to get through your grief and rebuild your life. Then go out and get the support you both need and deserve.
- Set Goals. As part of your “healing after divorce” plan, you started figuring out what you need to do. These are your goals so be specific about what you’re shooting for to at least begin creating the life you want and deserve.
- Set Aside Time Every Day To Work Your Plan. The funny thing about life is that it’s so easy to get caught up in reacting to whatever shows up. The problem with that is you’ll never move forward to create the life you want if you don’t dedicate time every day to work on and refine your plan.
- Work On Your Plan To Achieve Your Goals. This is probably pretty obvious, but now that you’ve got the time set aside, you need to use it for what you said you wanted to use it for.
- Keep A Journal. Keeping a journal while you’re healing after divorce and achieving your goals serves three purposes. First, it allows you to remember important information and each day’s events. Second, journaling is an amazing way to process emotions (a.k.a. make yourself feel better). And, finally, it is a great way to develop ideas and refine your plan.
- Reflect. The thing about healing after divorce is that it’s not a straight path. There will be twists and turns you can’t anticipate. So allow yourself time every day to think about what’s happening and what you’re doing. Use your insights to refine your plan and celebrate every single win (no matter how small) that you have along the way.
You might consider this advice high-level and in a lot of ways it is. But it’s also incredibly detailed in that it gives you the exact formula you need to follow to get over your divorce and get on with your life.
Challenge yourself to really dig into each of these 8 pieces of advice and you’ll discover just how powerful they are for helping you heal after divorce. And you’ll significantly increase the chances of you healing and moving forward instead of becoming bitter.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are looking for advice and support in healing after divorce. You can join my newsletter list. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more divorce advice? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Healing After Divorce.
3 Post-Divorce Resolutions You Should Make (And Keep)
Resolutions are definitely not just for the New Year.
Obviously, you’ve heard of New Year’s resolutions. They’re those little promises you make to yourself on January 1st each year that you rarely follow through on. You have great intentions, but they tend to evaporate toward the end of January or beginning of February when life goes back to “normal” again.
But that’s one of the really great things about divorce. Your life doesn’t go back to “normal.” In fact, it will NEVER be that “normal” you had while you were married ever again.
And that’s exactly why making post-divorce resolutions is so powerful. You already have to change how you live, so you might as well make your life after divorce as great as you can make it right?
What resolutions should you make?
Well there are the typical New Year’s resolutions:
- Lose weight – You’ve probably already lost enough weight because of the “divorce diet,” so this resolution won’t work.
- Stay fit and healthy – Staying fit and healthy is never a bad idea and might even be extra important if you lost too much weight on your “divorce diet.”
- Enjoy life to the fullest – Absolutely! This is one of the best resolutions you can make at New Year’s or post-divorce. But it’s problematic as a resolution because it doesn’t say how you’ll know you’re living life to the fullest.
- Spend less, save more – You’ve already had a crash course in this because of your divorce and learning to live on less than you were before.
- Spend more time with family and friends – Chances are you’ve already spent so much time with your friends and family getting through your divorce that this really isn’t much of an opportunity right now.
- Get organized – Either you’ve moved or your ex has moved out of the marital home. So you already had to get organized to make that happen.
- Don’t make any resolutions – Seriously? Resolutions are about making good, positive life changes and making a fabulous life for yourself post-divorce is an amazing reason to make resolutions.
- Learn something new/new hobby – This popular resolution is really inspiring to most people who are recently divorced. You might choose to go back to school or rediscover a hobby you had prior to marriage.
- Travel more – Travel doesn’t have to cost a lot. You could just do day trips on the weekends. If seeing and experiencing more of the world is exciting to you, then traveling more is a great post-divorce resolution.
- Read more – Reading is a great way to learn new things. And if you read fiction, at least every once in a while, there’s research to show that you could wind up happier, more creative and more well-rested! (Seriously, who wouldn’t want more of that in their life?)
Although most of these typical resolutions are great, they fit into a “normal” life.
When you’re creating a new life for yourself after divorce, you can more easily make and keep more expansive and profound resolutions than the typical ones.
So try one of these on for size:
- Become even more aware of who you are. THIS is an amazing resolution to make post-divorce because it means that you’re going to take responsibility for your part in your failed marriage and learn from it so you can guarantee yourself that you’re not going to wind up in another unhappy relationship (or at least not for long).
- Eliminate complaining. Once you realize you’re the only one who can change your life, you’ll realize that complaining won’t ever make anything better. Instead, talk about and process your emotions, come up with a plan for making things better, and get into action to create what you want in your life.
- Learn the difference between dating and being in a relationship. After being married, most of us forget what being single and dating is like. Dating disaster is a real threat if you don’t figure out the difference between being in a committed relationship and having fun meeting new people. Setting a post-divorce resolution to learn how to date again is a great way to learn a ton about yourself (and have a lot of fun too!).
Don’t worry if none of these resolutions feel quite right to you. That just means that you’ve got something else you’re needing to focus on to help you make sure your life after divorce is as fulfilling and happy as possible.
Whatever you choose for your post-divorce resolutions know that they will be much easier to keep than the typical New Year’s resolutions. That’s because divorce has thrown your life into chaos. It’s forced you to change your life in a lot of different ways.
Now that your divorce is over, you can choose to make resolutions for good, positive changes in your life. The excitement of having more control over your life will provide you the energy and belief you need to follow through on your decisions and create a wonderful post-divorce life for yourself.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are ready to move on with their life post-divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more help moving forward post-divorce? Read more advice in Life After Divorce.
Divorcing? 9 Tips For Dealing With Grief
To get over your divorce, you’ve got to grieve.
Grief and grieving are typically associated with death. But there are lots of other losses that can also trigger grief.
According to The University of Texas at Austin’s Counseling and Mental Health Center, some of the other losses that can trigger grief are the loss of a friendship, serious illness of a loved one, leaving your home, change of job, loss of a physical ability, loss of financial security and relationship breakup.
Getting divorced will trigger grief. It’s normal to feel a lot of pain about the end of your marriage and all the other losses that are part of your divorce.
Yet feeling miserable isn’t where you want to stay. You want to move on with your life and you know that there are stages to grief. Yet you just can’t seem to stop crying.
Dealing with grief is complicated – especially when you’re grieving divorce because there aren’t social norms for you (or your family and friends) to follow to help you get through your divorce grief.
So if you’re ready to begin dealing with your grief so you can move on with your life, you’re going to have to take matters into your own hands. Now it’s not quite as difficult as it sounds if you just follow these 9 tips:
- Face your feelings. As uncomfortable and unfamiliar as they are facing your feelings is the only way to get through them. You can’t ignore your grief or stuff it down for long because it will erupt with more power and pain than you’re experiencing right now. Although, that doesn’t mean you have to face everything at once or all by yourself.
- Lean on your friends and family for support. Your friends and family love you and want to support you through this major life transition you’re facing, but they don’t really know how. You’re going to have to get specific with them about what you need – to talk, to receive a hug, to cook you and your kids a meal. Ask for what you need and you’ll be surprised at how much love you’ll receive. However, your friends and family can’t be your only support system.
- Join a divorce support group. The people who are in these groups know EXACTLY what dealing with grief about divorce is like because they’re on the same journey. Interacting with others who get what you’re going through is so incredibly comforting because you’ll quickly realize you’re not quite alone as you feel.
- Work with a helping professional. Talking with a therapist, clergy member or divorce coach who’s been through divorce themselves is tremendously valuable. Not only will they give you a different perspective or two for what you’re experiencing, but they’ll also give you specific tools that have worked for them and for others they’ve helped along their divorce journeys.
- Find comfort in your faith. Knowing that there’s a bigger picture and hope for your future is extremely comforting. The hope and comfort will provide you with the encouragement you need to get through dealing with your grief.
- Express your grief in a creative or tangible way. You might want to journal, write a eulogy for your marriage, exercise, beat a pillow while you sob, or even paint a picture of your grief. Dealing with grief is a personal and therefore unique experience. Do what you feel drawn to do to express your grief in as many positive ways as possible. By doing so, you’ll be dealing with your grief about the end of your marriage in as complete a way as possible.
- Take care of yourself. Grief messes with you in all kinds of ways including your eating and sleeping. Take care of your body – eat, sleep, drink plenty of water and get some exercise. In fact, despite mental health and physical health being thought of as distinctly separate things, the truth is that they are highly connected. So, to prevent your grief from lingering or becoming worse, take good care of your physical self as you’re dealing with your grief.
- Don’t abuse drugs, alcohol, sex, food or anything else as a substitute for dealing with grief. All any of these behaviors do is diminish your capacity to face your feelings and dealing with your grief. And that will just make the pain last longer despite the respite you have in the moments you’re dulling your pain with your behavior(s) of choice.
- Don’t make major decisions on your own. This might seem impossible as you’re needing to make all kinds of major decisions as a result of your divorce, but get sage advice before sealing the deal. Work with an attorney you trust. Talk about the options with your friends, family and helping professional. When you have the valuable input you need, you’ll be able to make more sound decisions despite the fact that you’re still dealing with grief.
These 9 tips aren’t a magic wand you can use to suddenly stop having to deal with your grief. However, these tips will help you move through your grief as completely as possible so you won’t get stuck along your way healing from your divorce.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are divorcing and dealing with grief. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more help with getting over the end of your marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Dealing With Grief.
How To Answer The Question ‘Is My Marriage Over?’
You can confidently and without regret answer this question for yourself.
One of the most difficult questions you’ll ever ask yourself is “Is my marriage over?” It’s rarely a simple yes or no that you can confidently offer as a response. (There are some circumstances when you should immediately choose to divorce, but, thankfully, people dealing with those situations usually already know they need to end their marriage.)
You’ll struggle with this question for several reasons.
“Is my marriage over?” is a highly emotionally charged question. Your emotions ping pong between upset, sadness, fear, worry, nostalgia and a whole host of others as you struggle to figure out your answer. And when your emotions are so strongly engaged it’s almost impossible to think clearly.
The stakes are high when you begin asking this question. You’re facing a fork in the road. Either you stay or you go. There’s no in-between.
Although you’re asking yourself ‘Is my marriage over?’, the truth is that your answer will impact many more people than just you. Obviously, your spouse and kids (and pets) will be deeply affected by what you choose. But so will your family, your spouse’s family, and your friends. It’s a whole lot of people to consider.
With all this going on, you’re also stressing about making the right decision. And that, unfortunately, is unlikely to happen with all these thoughts and emotions swirling around!
So let’s look at your question ‘Is my marriage over?’ from a little bit different perspective.
But before we do that you need to calm your mind and body down just a bit; so take a deep breath or as many as it takes for you to relax just a bit.
Now, the truth of the matter is you actually have 3 options here instead of just the 2 you’ve been worrying about.
Your first option is to stay where you are in all the uncertainty and stress. If you’re OK with the status quo and living your life like this, then this is what you should choose to do.
Your second option is to choose divorce. Choosing divorce might sound simple or even like you’re taking the easy road, but, trust me, there’s nothing easy about divorce. (if you’d like some ideas about what to expect when you get divorced, you’ll want to get my special report “Contemplating Divorce? Here’s What You Need To Know”)
Your third option is to choose to give your marriage everything you’ve got until the correct decision is obvious to you. This doesn’t mean that you just figure out what to do on your own. It means that you exhaust every option you can think of including talking with people who have made their marriage work for the long-haul, going to counseling or coaching together, reading books and articles on making marriage work, talking with people who have gotten divorced, and getting individual counseling or coaching.
This third option isn’t easy when you consider the effort involved, but it’s the only way you’ll know with certainty that you’re making the correct decision for you and your family. And once you know that you’ll be able to honestly answer “Is my marriage over?” and proceed with your decision without a second thought.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach. I help people just like you who are contemplating divorce and want support in making the right decision for them. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more help with your marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
Some Promises Are Meant To Be Broken
When you divorce, you’ll make promises to yourself that don’t make sense to keep for the long haul.
Last May my husband (he’s my second) and I (I’m his third wife) celebrated our anniversary. But it was an event that almost didn’t happen because of a promise I made to myself after I divorced.
When I got divorced in 2002, I hurt. The pain was so intense that I wasn’t sure I’d survive it.
I kept having fleeting thoughts of suicide, but I was assured that those thoughts were pretty normal. I was still worried though. What if those thoughts started to stay around longer? What would I do then? How would I stop them? I was terrified by the unfamiliarity of these self-destructive thoughts that kept popping up. Was I losing my mind?
I also wasn’t taking very good care of myself. I mean we all have trouble sleeping when we’re going through divorce, and I was doing my best to try to get better sleep. But that wasn’t eating either. Food had mostly lost its appeal.
But I was also withholding food from myself for two other reasons. First, I didn’t want to get fat. In my mind I associated being fat with being unlovable (thank you first husband for making sure I understood that was your opinion). And if I was unlovable, there wasn’t much point in living. Second, I was afraid of spending too much money on food because I was terrified that I might lose my job and not be able to pay my bills.
The other really big source of pain was that I’d gotten divorced in the first place. I had made a vow to stay married for better or worse. And I failed. It didn’t matter that my first husband and I agreed that we would both be better off if we divorced, I felt like a failure. But beyond the feelings of failure, I also was terrified that God would strike me down because I’d gotten divorced. In fact, I kinda began to expect it.
Now, I’m not saying that my fears and pain were 100% normal and sane, but I’m not saying they were indications of insanity either. They were just manifestations of my pain at having my life as I knew it vanish and being unsure of who I was anymore.
Luckily, over time and with a lot of effort, I slowly crawled out of the quick sand of misery I was stuck in. And as I started to be able to see myself and the rest of the world a bit more clearly, I latched on to the idea that the reason I went through all of that horrible pain after my divorce was because I’d gotten married in the first place. So I made myself a promise: I would NEVER marry again.
As I began creating a new and better life for myself, I started dating again – just for fun. (The first time I started dating was as soon as I was divorced, but that’s a story for another time.)
And you know, after I’d been on eHarmony for 3 months and been on lots of dates, I met Jim. We talked for more than a month before we met in person and when we did he both scared and intrigued me. He scared me because he gave me a big bear hug as soon as we met. I wasn’t expecting it because back then I didn’t know anyone who would greet a stranger like that. And he intrigued me because his conversation displayed a wonderful combination of confidence and shyness. (And, yes, I thought he was good looking too.)
Well, we hit it off pretty quickly and we both stopped seeing anyone else within a month of meeting. We also moved in together at about that same time too. (YUP! I know it was fast and I certainly don’t recommend the pace of our relationship for everyone.)
Six months after that I decided to take a job out of state. He decided to move with me. The first time he proposed was shortly after we moved. I was non-committal because I didn’t want to marry again. Remember that promise I made to myself?
A year after that, he decided to take a job out of state and he asked me to marry him again. He was really insistent that he wanted to have a ring on my finger before he left and he wanted to have a ring on his finger before he left too. I agreed to get engaged, but I thought to myself, just because I’m engaged that doesn’t mean I have to get married. I was still bound and determined to keep my promise of NEVER marrying again.
After we’d had a long-distance relationship for a year, I decided to move and live with Jim again. He suggested the move and finally getting married by saying something along the lines of “Just say ‘yes’.”
BUT in my mind I was only saying “yes” to moving in together again.
After more than a year passed, Jim finally got frustrated with me and asked “Why won’t you marry me?” I had all kinds of excuses running through my mind, but none of them really made sense. So I changed the question to “We’re living together, so why does it matter?” All he could say was that it mattered. He told me I could have any kind of wedding I wanted and then pressed me to finally set a date.
I relented – kinda. I knew exactly where I wanted to get married and I also suspected that it would be impossible to be married there for a year or more because of a waiting list. Well, I was wrong. We could get married there in just 3 months.
I was still hot and cold about the whole idea of marriage right up until the moment I said “I do”. But when I said “I do”, an amazing thing happened. I felt peaceful. I felt lighter and I felt happy.
I’ve had several years to think about it since then. And I’ve realized that I made the promise to NEVER marry again when I was still hurt. I made it when I thought that all men were the same and that I would never grow or change.
Because I was so afraid of being hurt again, I didn’t really let myself live. I had too many walls up about what was and wasn’t appropriate for me and what risks I was willing to take.
Luckily for me, Jim was willing to wait for 4 years for me.
Why do I share this story with you? Because I know the pain of divorce and I know the decisions we make when we’re under so much stress may only be the correct decision in the moment and not the correct decision for a lifetime.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are struggling with creating a new life after divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on DivorceForce.
How To Deal With The SH*T People Say When You’re Getting Divorced
You never know what people will say, but you don’t have to let their words destroy you.
You’d like to believe that people would be kind and compassionate to you when you’re getting divorced. After all it is one of the most stressful things you can go through.
And sometimes you’re lucky because people are kind and compassionate. But there are always those people who say the most awful things.
Here are just a few of the horrible comments my clients have reported they’ve been told:
“Just get over your divorce already!” a helping professional, a friend, and a family member
“I knew he was still cheating on you when you reconciled, but I didn’t want to tell you since you were trying to make it work.” a friend
“Why do you care if he’s seeing someone else? You left him.” a friend and a family member
“I don’t know why you married her in the first place. I never liked her.” a parent
“Oh my GOD! You’ll NEVER make it on your own with those kids. You never should have had them.” a friend
What’s most painful about this horrible shit that people say is who’s saying it. It’s your family. It’s your friends. And it can even be the helping professional you’ve turned to for help.
So on top of the dismantling of your marriage, all the legalities of getting divorced, needing to redefine your relationship with your ex, learning how to co-parent, helping your kids deal with the divorce, and everything else that you’ve got to do to rebuild your life after divorce, you’ve also got to deal with the betrayal of these people you thought you could turn to.
This is exactly when you start to wonder who you can still trust.
Getting divorced is one of the most difficult transitions you’ll ever experience. And yet it can also be one of the most important turning points in your life.
If you know how to deal with the BS that others throw in your direction, you’ll come out of your divorce stronger than ever. And the strength you build now will make your post-divorce life amazing.
So how do you deal with the shit? You keep a few important points in mind.
- If they’ve never been divorced, don’t expect them to have anything important to say to you about yours. Most people who have never been divorced only have TV, magazines and the movies as reference for what getting divorced is like. They have ZERO idea of how long it takes to get over a divorce or how painful it is. So don’t let them take up any of your precious emotional energy or thought with their opinions because they’re ignorant when it comes to divorce.Just as you wouldn’t ask your mechanic to help you figure out what all the red spots are on your child’s chest, don’t expect your family, friends or maybe even your therapist, clergy or other helping professional who’s never been divorced to always provide helpful opinions about your situation.
- Most people are chicken shits. They aren’t able to have the honest conversations you need right now because it would make them feel uncomfortable.
- People will project their limitations and life experience on you. We all see the world through our own eyes and very few of us can truly step into another person’s shoes to see life through their eyes. The result is that most people will ASSume (yes, I do mean this to imply that they’re making as ass of themselves) that what’s true for them is true for you too. They may be weak and uninformed, but that doesn’t mean you are. In fact, it takes an incredibly strong and determined person to get through divorce – a person just like you.
But just because you can understand why they’re saying the BS doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. You definitely shouldn’t just accept what they have to say.
One way you can turn their stupidity around is to use it to build a stronger sense of self. And the way you do that is by becoming completely aware of what you’re feeling as a result of their insensitivity.
Then name those feelings (you can either call the emotions what they are or something more creative like George, Ringo, Paul and John).
Once you know what the emotions are and can name them, you’ll be able to choose how you experience them because you’re not simply feeling them any more.
This power of choice is incredible. You might choose to continue experiencing the emotions as you have been or you might choose to experience something else entirely. And it’s by choosing your experience that you strengthen your sense of self.
You can deal with other people’s fear of being honest be being honest yourself. Tell them exactly what you think and feel. You don’t need to attack them, but by choosing to articulate exactly how what they’re saying impacts you you’ll feel much more powerful and you’ll no longer be a victim of their words.
And when people tell you that you can’t do something, you can use their negativity as fuel to prove them wrong. You know what you’re really capable of. They don’t. They may be weak, but that definitely doesn’t mean that you are.
We’re all human. We all make mistakes. We all say things we wish we could take back. The problem is that when other people are way too human when you’re getting divorced it hurts worse than it does at other times because you’re already battling a whole lot. But, by keeping these ideas in mind, you’ll emerge from the chaos and uncertainty of your divorce a much stronger and confident person because you’ll have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can trust you.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and personal life helping people just like you who are struggling with divorce and are ready to move forward with their lives. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more support and ideas for getting through your divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Healing After Divorce.
This article originally appeared at YourTango.
7 Reasons People Get Stuck While Dealing With Divorce
Once you know these reasons, you won’t stay stuck for long while dealing with your divorce.
Nobody wants to admit that they get stuck along the way in dealing with their divorce it would be like admitting to yet another shortcoming.
“My marriage failed and I can’t get over it!” Making a statement like that for many people would be tantamount to taking out an ad on Facebook saying “I’m a loser.”
But the truth is that everyone gets stuck somewhere along the way dealing with divorce.
Getting stuck at least once is normal because learning how to get over divorce isn’t a required course before getting married. Besides that, it doesn’t matter how many books you’ve read, how many times you’ve talked it over with your divorced friends, or even how many celebrity divorces you’ve followed, you’re going to get stuck. (Yes, this is true even if you’ve been divorced before because every divorce is unique.) You don’t know what it will take for you to get over your divorce until you’re done dealing with it.
However, in all my years working with people dealing with divorce and going through my own divorce I’ve found the most common reasons people get stuck.
By knowing these reasons, you’ll be better able to identify then when you start to get too mired in your misery. And when you know exactly what’s tripping you up you’ll have an easier time finding the specific help you need to continue dealing with your divorce instead of staying stuck.
- Grief. Many people get trapped in lamenting what they’ve lost. This includes the hopes and dreams of what their marriage meant to them. It also includes more tangible things like the house and the 401K. And it includes the relationships that are lost.
- Feeling Like A Victim. When you get ensnared with feeling powerless you’re about as stuck as you can get. Feeling like a victim also shows up as needing to assign blame – either to yourself or to your ex. Anytime you relinquish your power to change your life, you’re giving up and dealing with divorce becomes impossible at that point.
- Anger. Anger, fury and rage are a normal part of the divorce process. However, you can get imprisoned in these emotions because they feel so powerful and righteous. The trick to using these strong feelings to help you deal with divorce positively is being willing to look underneath them. When you do, you might discover another layer of hurt that needs healing.
- Feeling Worthless. Most people experience feelings of being unwanted and worthless when they divorce. And it makes sense to do so! After all, if the one person who said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you is content to toss you out with the trash, then what else are you supposed to think? But the truth is that divorce does nothing to define your value.
- Fear. This is a biggie! Fear is the driving force for people staying stuck in all kinds of situations besides dealing with divorce. If you can remember that fears usually fall into one of three categories (fear of loss, fear of dealing with divorce, fear of the future), then you’ll be better able to deal with each of your fears.
- Unwillingness To Explore Love. It might sound funny, but many people who are otherwise successfully dealing with divorce get stuck in a belief that there’s no such thing as love for them or that they now have to have rules about how they will experience love. However, the failure of your marriage has ZERO to do with your ability to experience love in the future.
- Feeling All Alone. The loss of so many relationships surprises most people who are dealing with divorce. But on top of those losses comes the feeling that no one else really understands (or maybe doesn’t want to try to understand) what you’re going through. Divorce is a horribly isolating experience. And the only way to make it through without getting stuck in the loneliness is to find a support system.
These seven reasons people get stuck dealing with divorce are broad and you might not see exactly what you’re facing in this list. However, keep in mind that these are general categories of problems people face when they’re going through divorce and, if you look carefully, you’ll find a hint for the help you need to get through the specific challenge you’re facing.
And the best part is that by knowing how you’re getting stuck, you’ll be better able to move through it so you won’t stay stalled for too long. Just remember that everyone gets stuck as they’re dealing with divorce, but with this cheat sheet you will find your way through your healing much more quickly.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and personal life coach helping people just like you who want to get over their divorce. You can join my anonymous newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
Looking for more support and ideas for getting through your divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Healing After Divorce.
11 Halloween Ideas For Celebrating With Your Kids Post-Divorce
Don’t let not having your kids on the 31st prevent you from celebrating Halloween with them!
Halloween marks the beginning of the holiday season. From October 31st on, the parties, shopping, anticipation and, if you’re recently divorced, dread begin.
Why dread? Because now it’s sinking in that being with your children for all the holidays is a thing of the past. You’ll be sharing your kids with their other parent. And that means you’ll be A.L.O.N.E. for at least some holidays every year.
Yup, alone for the holidays.
After you let that sink in for a moment, it’s time to get into action and start planning how you can still celebrate each of the holidays with your children even if you don’t have them on the official holiday day.
And the best place to start is at the beginning of the holiday season – Halloween.
To get you started with your planning, here are 11 Halloween ideas that you can use as is or as the jumping off point for your own amazing way to still have bunches of Halloween fun with your kids.
- Have a Halloween party for your kids. Make sure it’s a costume party. And for extra fun include a piñata and bobbing for apples.
- Have a monster meal. Dress up and eat monster food like eyeballs (peeled grapes), brains (cauliflower) and blood and guts (spaghetti with marina sauce) with your fingers.
- Take your kids trick-or-treating. Just because you don’t have your kids on October 31st, that doesn’t mean you can’t take them out to ring a few doorbells. Just enlist the help of understanding friends and family and trick-or-treat at their homes.
- Go on a hayride or to the pumpkin patch. Both of these activities ooze fall and fun.
- Have a scary movie marathon. Of course the movies will need to be age appropriate. And once you have your scary movie queue selected, pop-up some jumbo bowls of popcorn, turn out the lights, fire up Netflix, and see who screams first!
- Carve jack-o-lanterns. You can go old school or get creative.
- Create a scavenger hunt. This is great for older kids! Create clues that lead your kids all over the place and then finally to the candy.
- Have lunch with them at school on their costume day. Heck, if you have fun, you might decide to have lunch with them at other times throughout the school year too!
- Turn off all the lights and tell ghost stories by flashlight. You know what I mean. Put the flashlight under your chin so you have an eerie glow and take turns weaving your most frightening tales.
- Go to a haunted house. There are all kinds of haunted houses that pop-up around the beginning of October. Pick the biggest, scariest one that’s also age appropriate for your kids.
- Go on a ghost or haunted places tour. Most communities have haunted places or ghost tours. If yours doesn’t make up your own tour and delight your kids with fanciful tales of ghouls and unexplained events.
Going through the holidays without your kids is really tough. But if you allow yourself to use the Halloween ideas as the starting point for learning how to celebrate each of the holidays in a new way, you’ll quickly discover that you can make any time you have with your kids amazing and holiday-ish.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are struggling with co-parenting. You can join my anonymous newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Looking for more support and ideas for making your life better post-divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Coparenting.