Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
5 Brutal Signs You Are One Seriously LOUSY Spouse
Your partner isn’t the problem, sweetheart … YOU are.
A marriage takes work — lots of it — and from each spouse. And the rewards for your effort are: happiness, contentment, peace, and, of course, loving and feeling loved.
But, what happens when you begin to question whether the hard work is worth it? What happens when the bad times significantly outweigh the good (and have for a long time)? The rewards suddenly seem more like a pipe dream than a reality.
What usually happens once someone reaches this point is … they blame their spouse.
They blame their spouse for being a sorry, excuse for a mate and they fuel their resentment of their spouse with fantasies about divorce.
But, whoa … wait a minute. Let’s back this divorce train up for just a moment. True, being married takes work, but it’s nothing compared to the effort and work that divorce requires. Getting and then being divorced is at least ten times more frustrating and infuriating than the common annoyances of marriage. Once the marriage ends, you and your spouse become straight up adversaries, who must now come to some kind of agreement about: child custody, parenting, finances, and possessions. And there’s nothing easy about that.
Also, you don’t just get divorced and then the hard part’s over. Once the legal divorce is “final,” you then begin living into the terms of your divorce. Your life remains firmly tethered to this other person (through children and finances) for years and years and years to come.
So before you decide your mate is the problem and convince yourself that your partner and your marriage are disposable, maybe you should pause first and ask yourself if it’s possible that YOU are the one with the lousy attitude in your marriage. Maybe YOU are the lousy spouse. Not sure if you are? Here are five harsh but honest ways to tell:
1. You keep a running log of every mistake
You might even throw temper tantrums or pity parties every time your partner doesn’t bend to your will in an effort to make them “behave” better. Either way, if they misstep, you’re right there to point it out to them.
And doing this makes your partner feel extremely belittled, badgered and miserable. They wish you’d disappear when you behave like that, and the longer it goes on, the less they even want to try to please you (or put up with your self-centered crap).
2. You pack your schedule full, leaving zero time for your partner
Yes, life is busy … and your dreams, desires, and responsibilities are important. However, in marriage, the health of “the relationship” is just as important as your individual wants or concerns. Ignoring your partner or telling them to “get out of your way” so you can “get things done” fuels resentment, driving a deeper wedge between you and your spouse. After all, no one wants a partner who continuously pushes them away.
3. The sound of their voice (or chewing, or breathing) grates your nerves
You cringe when they open their mouth, because you just know they’re going to say or do something you find annoying. You pretend you can’t hear them, walk away, or do just about anything to avoid them.
But here’s the thing, when your spouse (the person who promised to love and accept you the most) acts as if you merely breathing is a disgusting affront to them, you feel tortured and humiliated. Why would anyone want to open their hearts to someone who so clearly despises them? Doing this is just mean. And if it keeps up, your relationship won’t last long.
4. You insist they “never change” (when actually, they have)
You’re so busy assuming your partner is exactly the same person, you haven’t actually talked with them about “them” in forever. All you talk about is you and what you want. They feel diminished and unimportant to you. They constantly wonder whether trying to make the marriage work is even worth it — your selfishness drowns out any effort they make in favor of the “relationship.”
5. You begrudge every minute they spend away from you
In your head, marriage means you “own” your spouse. As such your spouse “owes” you their undivided attention, unless they’re doing something you approve of or gave them permission to do. Nobody wants someone controlling them this way — that’s slavery, not marriage. Your partner having a life of their own is not betraying you. You trying to micro-manage their existence, however, IS a betrayal to them.
So how did you fair? Are you a lousy spouse?
The truth is … we’re all lousy spouses … at times. This doesn’t mean all is lost. But it does mean it’s time you take accountability for the part YOU play in poisoning the marriage you claim you’re so oppressed by. Maybe skip running to the lawyer’s office, and head to a relationship therapist’s office instead. Maybe work on changing yourself before you throw your partner and your marriage away.
If you wish to improve your role in your marriage, but don’t know how, there’s only one thing you can do — ask for help! Grab a book on making marriage work. Read more articles about how to have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Talk with a marriage counselor, religious leader, a happily married couple, or coach to get the support you, your mate and your marriage deserve.
The work you put in will pay off. You’ll either be on your way to having a flourishing marriage or you’ll have healthy clarity about what your next steps are.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Why Choosing The Right Divorce Process Will Make Your Divorce Easier
Guest post by Karen Covy, divorce lawyer, mediator, educator, and advisor. She’s also the author of “When Happily Ever After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce Emotionally, Financially, and Legally”.
When you start thinking about divorce, the first question that pops into your head is probably not going to be: what divorce process should I use? Yet, there really is no question that is more important. The divorce process you choose dramatically affects your experience of divorce, and your life after divorce. Here is a summary of your divorce process options, and a few ideas about how to choose the process that will work best for you.
Divorce Process Choices
- Mediation – Mediation is a process in which an independent, neutral third party (a mediator) works with you and your spouse to help resolve your divorce issues yourselves. The mediator can not give you or your spouse legal advice. The mediator also can not force you to make an agreement. The mediator can facilitate a discussion between you and your spouse, as well as brainstorm options to settle your case that will result in a “win/win” situation wherever possible.Mediation Works Best for: People who want to resolve their issues outside of court and decide as many issues as possible themselves. Mediation works best for people who are willing to voluntarily produce financial documents and want to work together to come to an amicable resolution of their case.Mediation Does Not Work Well for: Couples with an extreme power imbalance, i.e. cases involving domestic violence or extreme emotional abuse. Mediation will not work if one spouse is purposely trying to hide information, or will not abide by the terms of the agreements s/he makes.
- Negotiation – Negotiation is known by many names, and can take many forms. You can negotiate directly with your spouse and reach an agreement that way. (“Kitchen Table” divorce.) You and your spouse can hire attorneys to negotiate for you. (This is usually in the context of a traditional divorce.) Or, you, your spouse, and your attorneys, can all sit down and negotiate together outside of court. (Co-operative divorce.) The key principles of negotiation are that you and your spouse are working toward resolving all of your issues without going to trial.Negotiation Works Best for: Everyone who is reasonable and has a spouse who is reasonable. Ultimately, every case either involves some sort of negotiation, or it is decided by a judge. The question is not whether you should use negotiation, but whether you should use it together with mediation, litigation or collaborative law.Negotiation Does Not Work Well for: Anyone who keeps changing his/her mind, or who can’t follow the rules. If someone is determined to get their “day in court,” negotiation is pointless. If someone refuses to honor any agreements they have made, litigation is usually the only way to deal with them.
- Collaborative Divorce – In collaborative law, you and your spouse each hire a collaboratively-trained lawyer, and together the four of you put together a team, including a divorce coach (or two), a neutral financial expert, and, if necessary, a child specialist. The team works together to help you resolve all of your issues before anything is filed in court. If, for any reason, the collaborative process fails, then all of the professionals withdraw and you and your spouse have to start over with different lawyers. This provides a huge financial dis-incentive for anyone to cause a fight or walk away.Collaborative Divorce Works Well for: Couples with a lot of issues to resolve who want to stay out of court. If you have been in a long term marriage, have a complicated financial situation, own a family business, or have children with special needs, collaborative divorce could work really well for you.Collaborative Divorce Does Not Work Well for: Couples where one party won’t be honest, or voluntarily provide complete financial information. If one spouse refuses to abide by the terms of the agreements s/he makes, or is determined to seek revenge, collaborative divorce is probably not going to be the best option.
- Litigation – Litigation is traditional divorce. It is going to court and fighting until you and your spouse either decide to settle your case, or you go to trial and a judge decides your life for you. It is expensive, nasty, and time-consuming. You can do it with or without lawyers, but going to court without a lawyer is never a good idea and generally does not work out well (particularly if your spouse has a lawyer and you don’t.)Litigation Works Well for: Couples who can’t resolve their case any other way. If one spouse is determined to fight, wants revenge, or refuses to be reasonable, litigation is the only way you can resolve your issues. If your spouse refuses to do what s/he is supposed to do, or follow the rules, or disclose information, litigation will help you resolve your case.Litigation Does Not Work Well for: Anyone who wants privacy, flexibility, or control of their case. If you want to have a decent relationship with your ex, or you want to be able to cooperatively co-parent after your divorce, going through litigation is not for you. Also, if you would prefer not to pay your life’s savings to lawyers, you should choose any way to resolve your case other than litigation.
- Online Divorce – The truth is: there is no such thing! Getting an “online” divorce really means getting your documents written by an online divorce site. Once you have your computer-generated documents, you then need to take them to court yourself, present them to the judge, and get divorced.Online Document Production Works Well for: Anyone with a simple case, no property, no kids, and a short term marriage. While the quality of the documents you get may not be the best, if you don’t have anything together with your spouse, online documents may work just fine for you.Online Document Production Does Not Work Well for: Anyone with a long-term marriage, kids, property, or anything worth fighting about. Also, if you are afraid to go to court alone, or you don’t have the time or energy to figure out how the court system works for yourself, getting your documents produced online and doing your divorce yourself may not be the best choice for you.
To download a simple, one page chart outlining the pros and cons of each divorce process, go to: http://karencovy.com/process-infographic.
If you’re looking for more help on how to deal with the challenges you’re facing now, read more articles about Life After Divorce.
Is There Hope If You Stay?
Karen says, “Trying to figure out if you should keep trying to make your relationship work or call it quits is confusing and heartbreaking.
What’s grounds for divorce for one couple is just a bump in the road for another…”
Each and every time I work with someone who wants to save their marriage, I have to ask myself, “Can this marriage be saved?”
I know there are few iron-clad rules to follow when trying to decide if there’s still hope for a marriage.
But the first questions I always ask are about the deal-breakers.
You need to ask these questions too and absolutely, positively call it quits if:
- you, or someone in your care, is the victim of abuse by your mate
- there are untreated addictions
- you and your spouse are providing an abysmal example for your children
But, outside of those situations, rest assured there ABSOLUTELY IS HOPE.
Unfortunately, hope doesn’t make fixing a relationship easy (if it did, you wouldn’t be reading this). Chances are you’re probably feeling very alone in the world as you ask yourself “Can this marriage be saved?”. Chances are you’re wondering whom you can really trust to be objective about your marital concerns. Everyone in your personal life has an agenda even if they are coming from positive, loving places.
But getting good feedback, honest, solid, real feedback, is critical to making a decision as tough as this one. That’s where I can help.
Maybe some of this sounds familiar:
- You wonder if your spouse will ever be able to change.
- You question how much of the problems are because of you.
- You believe you’re in a no-win situation.
- You find yourself frustrated by your inability to communicate with your spouse.
- You feel trapped and worry if you can ever feel free to be you again.
I get it. I’ve been where you are right now. When I married my husband in 2009, having both been through the struggles of divorce before, we knew that we had to prioritize our marriage (aka work on it) every day. To do this we regularly examine what does and doesn’t help us get through our days. We work hard to shed the roles, rules, rituals, and responsibilities that don’t work for us. Is it easy? No. Are we always on the same page about things? No. In fact we’ve both questioned the viability of our marriage individually and jointly many times. But one of us will always start the ball rolling to make things better. We each put in the effort to get the support we need, do our research, and check in with our guts and goals.
Being on the other side of the,”is there hope if I stay?” question and making my marriage better, there’s one important thing I want you to know: it only takes one to start making things better. I know this because I’ve done it myself and through my work as a divorce coach I’ve also helped lots of other people to do it.
And I can help you too.
No one can tell you exactly how things will turn out for your marriage because you, your spouse, your family, and your marriage are unique.
Why does this matter?
Because the truth is that there’s a balance sheet that only you can fully understand. What does this look like? As you think about your marriage, ask yourself if the efforts you’re putting in match up with what you’re getting out of the marriage. This balance sheet can be calculated in love, in time, in life events, in connection, even in the fulfillment of your big life goals. If things are adding up, there’s a check in the “keep it going” box; if not, there’s some thinking to do to make a good decision if staying is the right thing for you to do.
But in order to get there, you need to turn over every stone by examining your reactions to your spouse, how you speak to and with your spouse, and how they respond to your new ways of doing things. It’s through this thorough process of exploration that you’ll be able to make a confident decision about the viability of your marriage.
And you can do this in one of two ways: as a victim or a victor.
What do I mean by this? Some people are afraid to ask for help because they’re embarrassed or ashamed. They would rather wait for their spouse to make the decision for them, or they believe they can do it all on their own. But a great marriage requires honesty, purposeful action, and support. If you believe otherwise, then you’re not being true to yourself. And by not being true to you you’re allowing yourself to be a victim of your circumstances instead of the victor of your life.
Being a victor takes commitment.
And commitment requires that you’re more direct, heartfelt, true and real in your life. Then, and only then can you really figure out if your marriage can be saved.
When you choose to be a victor, the one very special guarantee you have for your efforts is that you will live without regret. You will know without a doubt because you did the work, asked the hard questions and really explored the life you’re considering leaving, that you made the best decision for your life. And that is a gift that you will appreciate for the rest of your life.
If you’re ready to ask for the support you need to confidently and without regret make one of the biggest decisions of your life, schedule your Complimentary Consultation with me. We’ll use the time to start creating your unique path to understanding if the hope you have for your marriage can blossom into the wonderful and fulfilling relationship you both deserve.
Still wondering if working with me is right for you? Here’s what one now happily married man had to say about working with me:
“I want to say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! My wife and I reconciled in August 2012 and dealt with a lot of underlying issues mending all of the past hurts. I have kept your advice in the forefront of my mind daily about being positive and always moving forward. The emails (newsletters) I still get always remind me to stay humble, grateful and to be happy in the moment. I can say confidently that our marriage is calmer, more supportive, more passionate than ever.Thank you for making a profound difference in my family’s life!!!! You are a blessing in this troubled world.” James
Schedule your Complimentary Consultation now.
Why Your Breakup Hurts SO Much (And How To Start Healing)
Knowing WHY you’re hurting can be your first step to getting over it.
Heartbroken. Sometimes that’s the only way to describe the tidal waves of grief that come with a breakup.
Ending a relationship with someone or, worse, having someone break up with you causes incredibly painful feelings because of all the losses. You grieve the lost connection with that person. After all, you loved them so much. But let’s get real about that. Are you sad because you’re not with the person you had a relationship with? OR are you really upset because you’re not with the person who you thought your partner was?
If you’re like most of us, you’re upset to have lost who you thought your partner was. Because, let’s face it, if they really were the ideal person for you, you’d still have a relationship.
Being heartbroken also means grieving lost couplehood. It feels good being connected to someone else — to not have to face the world on your own. Yet, breaking up with someone means you’re suddenly alone. It’s no longer two against the world. It’s just you, feeling naked, isolated and afraid.
There’s another reason for your fear of being alone. Being alone means that before too long you’ll have to look for another someone — someone to love and to love you, and someone who just might break your heart too.
Grieving the loss of your ideal mate and couplehood are the more obvious reasons for being heartbroken, but there are others.
You’re probably despairing your lost dreams of the future and “happily ever after.” Regardless of how long you’re in a relationship with someone, you’ve dreamed of the future with them. Those dreams are part of what brought the two of you together. But now, those dreams are lost forever.
The end of a relationship can also leave you feeling shattered and unsure of who you are without the relationship or your former partner. In the midst of grieving the losses, it seems nearly impossible to recreate and redefine yourself too. Yet, that’s what you need to do because you’re not their other half any more. You’re you.
Finally, what if you’re anguished because of broken trust?
Your former love broke your trust, but you broke it too. You broke your own trust by convincing yourself that the relationship was the right one for you, and by all the little ways you gave yourself away to make the relationship work. Now you’re left wondering if you’re capable of trusting yourself to enter into another relationship and not give yourself away. You’re also wondering if you can trust yourself to choose a better person next time.
Heartbreak is a complicated issue, and so is dealing with all the grief all at once. There are just so many things lost when a relationship ends. However, the more you know about what specifically is causing you to feel heartbroken, the easier it is for you to get over it and choose a better relationship next time.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
8 Brutal Signs You Hate Your Ex MORE Than You Love Your Kids
All is fair in love and war? Not when your kids become casualties!
Divorce changes everything — especially your feelings about your ex. Far from the love you felt on your wedding day, now you probably feel something closer to frustration, anger, or even downright hate.
Hostile feelings during divorce are common but we all know NOT to expose our children to that toxic resentment, right?
In my experience working with divorced families, most divorced parents claim they’re all about their kids. They pat themselves on the back endlessly, thinking that they ALWAYS put the kids first and would never do ANYTHING that might harm or distress their children. But in practice, that altruism is rarely present.
Are parents saying these things to convince themselves or others? I’m not sure. All I know is, those declarations of “my love for my children comes first” are rarely true.
And I challenge you to reflect on your own behavior to see whether you hate your ex more than you love your children!
What do I mean? I mean that when it comes to making choices about your reactions or behavior, your anger for your ex poisons your decisions — you just can’t hold your tongue, or resist sliding in that passive-aggressive potshot. Hating your ex is one of your favorite pastimes. And I get it, our exes are often infuriating.
It’s just too bad the energy you pour into chronicling every evil detail about your ex isn’t being poured into loving, supporting, and focusing on your kids (like you say you want to). Your kids crave a home full of ease and joy, not your unrelenting resentment. But, of course, it’s all your ex’s fault, right? They “make” you act this way.
Wrong! You choose your responses. And your responses currently are hurting your children. Children see the world as revolving around them. They believe your actions (and inactions) are because of them. And all the time you’re stewing about your ex, your children wish loving them was enough to keep you happy and focused on them.
So, is this you? Do you hate your ex more than you love your children? Here are nine behaviors that indicate the war with your ex is your top priority and your kids are becoming causalities of that war:
1. You withhold child visitation to punish your ex.
Don’t like that your ex is dating again or resent an email he sent? Suddenly your kids can’t go to dad’s house. Your kids love both of their parents. Denying your children time spent with the other parent hurts your KIDS. You’re ultimately punishing them! And what did your children do to deserve such severe punishment? Nothing. They aren’t pawns to dangle and withhold.
2. You skip child support payments.
It’s astounding how many parents do not grasp that child support is for your children, not money you’re giving to your ex. Your children need to eat, a safe place to live, suitable clothes to wear, and maybe even enjoy a treat or adventure now and again. Your children interpret your refusal to pay child support (a.k.a. lack of financial care) as them not being worthy of being cared for. How horrible for them to feel that way!
3. You belittle your ex within earshot of the children.
Now there’s nothing inherently wrong with talking in private about how you feel about your ex. We all need a place to vent. But, there is definitely something wrong with letting your kids hear it — even by accident.
Your children love their other parent (even if you don’t). When you put down your ex, your kids start to wonder if you secretly feel the same about them. They feel forced to take your side when they’re with you because they don’t want you to stop loving them, too. And I call that emotional blackmail (and it’s cruel)!
4. You gripe about your ex’s family.
Just like your child loves their other parent, they also love their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on your side and your ex’s. Being part of both extended families helps children feel safe and loved. Maybe you’re glad to never see your ex mother-in-law again, but your children still love their grandma.
Do you really want to take that away from them by talking poorly about people who love them?
5. You compare your child to your ex unfavorably.
“You sound just like your mother!” or “Your father never keeps his word either.” Your child isn’t stupid. They know that comparing them to the other parent you clearly hate is an insult to them. This hurts them on so many levels but most they fear they’re at risk of you hating them, too.
6. You grill your kids about the other parent’s actions.
Your kids are not your personal spy. Putting them in that position forces them to take your side when they’re with you and taking their other parent’s side when they’re away from you. It’s a no-win situation for your child that teaches them your love for them is conditional on giving you info that fuels your beloved hatred of your ex.
7. You guilt trip your kids when they enjoy life with your ex.
If you really love your kids, you want their genuine happiness … and that includes wanting them to enjoy time spent with their other parent, too.
But when you make snide comments about that trip to theme park or new toy or fun vacation (“Well, I’m sure it’s nice for your dad to afford such things when his child support payments are so low.”) your child feels guilty. The same occurs when you change the subject, or even ignore your child, when they innocently share with you the fun afternoon they had with their other parent.
Every single time you do this, you undermine your child’s joy. Instead, you’re sending the message that their happiness is a betrayal to you, that they can’t be real with you, that they can’t love their other parent, and that you won’t love them if they do.
8. You “forget” to call or spend time with your kids to avoid your ex.
So, you bail on your kids because you don’t want to deal with your ex? Seriously? Talk about putting the war with your ex BEFORE your kids (and your responsibilities of being the best parent you can)! Nothing hurts a child’s self-esteem more than believing their parent doesn’t find them worth the effort.
Look, getting (and being) divorced is not easy. I know that. The toxic anger divorce stirs up is extreme and feels all-consuming sometimes. Maybe you’ve never considered how your behavior impacts your kids before now, but now that you know the harm it causes … it’s time to change this pattern.
Your first responsibility (and amazing gift) is loving and nurturing each of your children to the best of your ability. The value of that trumps your annoying ex any day!
But, breaking the “I hate my ex” obsession isn’t easy. And if you catch yourself focusing on your anger more than your love for your kids, just remind yourself (regularly) just how precious your kids are and do your divorce recovery work. Your kids (and you) are worth it … and, you know what they say: “Living well is the best revenge.”
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
3 Bullsh*t Ways WOMEN Bully Men After Divorce – P.S. Your Kids Notice
You’re not fooling anyone, ladies. And your kids notice it, too!
When we think of couples going through “an ugly divorce,” people often assume that if one side is being an emotional bully, it’s the man. We instantly imagine it’s the poor, beleaguered ex-wife who is left to struggle under his oppression and vicious attacks—emotionally, financially, and sometimes even physically.
Honestly, I thought that, too, until one of my male family members went through a divorce years ago. Then it became painfully obvious that there are plenty of ex-wife bullies out there, too.
Are YOU an ex-wife bully? No one wants to admit so, of course. We all believe we’re in the right by default, but are you?
Here are three tell-tale signs YOU are the mean one in your post-divorce relationship … not him:
1. You manipulate by withholding child visitation.
To clarify, this is one of the cruelest and most vicious ex-wife bully tactics. Obviously, if your ex is a true threat to the safety of your children, the court should become involved in deciding what safe visitation entails. But outside of that, deciding to not let your ex see the children because you’re mad at him—because he has a new girlfriend, or gave the kids junk food, or said something unkind to you—is NOT a reason to keep your children from their father.
Nor is you wanting increased child support more important than their time and relationship with their dad.
According to an oft-cited study “Visitational Interference—A National Study,” by J. Annette Vanini, M.S.W and Edward Nichols, M.S.W., “77 percent of non-custodial fathers are NOT able to ‘visit’ their children, as ordered by the court, as a result of ‘visitation interference’ perpetuated by the custodial parent.” FYI: that’s YOU, Mom!
In other words, moms not honoring court-ordered visitation is a significantly BIGGER problem (3 times bigger, actually) than dads not honoring court-ordered child support. And you better believe keeping your children from building a relationship with their father impacts them negatively.
2. You undermine and belittle your ex-husband’s parenting.
You desperately want to believe that YOU are the only “good parent.” Everything your ex-husband does with the kids is stupid, shocking, terrible … and wrong. If they dare to parent differently than you, you criticize. And if they actually follow your parenting style, you imply they continually fall short in some way.
But here’s the thing, Mom: those potshots at your ex actually damage your children. Those mean-spirited “in the moment,” “no big deal” comments carry enormous short and long-term repercussions for kids.
It’s like poison you contaminate every conversation with, sending the message, “your father is wrong and loving him is wrong.” Oh, and that subtle way you initiate conversations with your children for the sole purpose of berating their father (oh, yes, you do) is nothing but an obvious (and selfish) attempt to drive a wedge between your kids and their father. You better believe both your kids and your ex know what you’re up to.
3. You micro-manage your ex’s interactions with the kids to prove you’re the boss.
Your ex is taking the kids camping? You send along sunscreen and bug spray. Your ex asks if he can pick the kids up at 6 pm, and you say 6:30 pm just to make him wait. Your ex says he’s going to take the kids to a new movie, so you take them first before his visitation day. When your ex’s parents gift your child with money for her birthday, you take it and tell her you’ll decide how she’ll spend it.
You’re a control freak. Why? Because the thought of your children being entirely fine without you drives you crazy! Even worse, the thought of your children happily getting along with your ex’s new girlfriend or wife really sends you into a fury.
Your emotions are understandable (perhaps), but your poor behavior in response to them is not okay.
Newsflash: You don’t get to control what happens at your ex’s house. You don’t get a say in how or when he moves on to a new relationship. And you definitely don’t get to pick what toothpaste the kids use at his house.
If your child isn’t in true danger (in which case you need to speak to the court, not your ex), your opinion on anything else is entirely unwelcome.
So, does this sound like you? Are YOU an ex-wife bully?
If so, please know you can do something about it. Changing your behavior won’t happen overnight, but for your children’s sake … you need to knock it off.
And if you’re a man dealing with an ex-wife bully, don’t put up with it! There are ways to work yourself out from under her toxic behavior:
- First, limit communication. Start by keeping your communication with her brief, informative, friendly, and firm (BIFF). And avoid apologies. The less ammunition you give her, the less of it you’ll receive.
- Next, avoid getting caught up in her drama. It’s natural to want to defend yourself when she’s attempting to tear you a new one, but the best response is no response when she acts like this. The more you get into it with her, the more power you’re giving her behavior. You’re dancing to her tune and you don’t want to continue being subject to her whims. (If you did, you’d still be married to her.)
- Finally, start standing your ground. Sometimes the best thing to do is call a bully’s bluff. Never do this in the heat of the moment; calling her bluff and standing your ground are things you do when you’re calm and communicating clearly. You regain control of your life and stop the emotional bullying only when you clarify and honor your own boundaries.
Yes, but she’s so frustrating!
The reality is, no matter what you do and how well you avoid caving to your ex-wife’s bullying ways, she’s still probably freaking out and behaving poorly when she doesn’t get her way. And you’ll likely feel frustrated and angry when she does. That’s normal and understandable, but it’s definitely NOT okay that she puts her own anger and ire above the health and happiness of your children.
But don’t let her behavior stop YOU from raising happy, healthy kids who are part of a loving extended family (that doesn’t include her).
The most important thing is that your kids have a happy, rock-solid relationship with you. So pick your battles and keep your eyes on the long-term game instead of the moment-to-moment skirmishes she is so fond of starting.
This is how my family member handled his bully of an ex-wife. He definitely felt pissed at his ex, but he stopped taking the bait when she taunted him. He worked with an attorney when she got really out of control. And, most importantly, he made his relationship with his sons his absolute top priority. And as a result, he has a terrific relationship with his boys.
Remember, your kids are paying attention. So focus on building a positive relationship with them, instead of engaging in a negative battle with your ex.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Divorce Can LITERALLY Break Your Heart, Says Science
Protect yourself from increased cardiovascular risk with these stress-busting tips.
Everybody knows that divorce is stressful, but what nobody knew until now is that divorce actually increases a woman’s risk of heart attack. A new report in the March 2015 issue of Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes says that (after correcting for other risk factors) women divorced once have a 24 percent increased risk of heart attack. For women divorced two or more times, this jumps to a startling 77 percent increased risk.
Besides heart attack, divorce can also increase a woman’s risk of Broken Heart Syndrome, which, in some cases, mimics a heart attack. According to Mayo Clinic, Broken Heart Syndrome results from “the heart’s reaction to a surge of stress hormones.”
Given these two bits of data from heart specialists, I believe the best way to prevent yourself from becoming another statistic is to effectively deal with your divorce stress. How do you do that?
Try my top five tips for de-stressing during your divorce:
1. Develop Soothing Routines
Nearly everything about your life changes when you get divorced—including the time you used to spend doing activities that calmed you. It’s time to start doing them again. And if that’s not possible, develop new soothing activities. This doesn’t mean you need to get daily massages (although wouldn’t that be nice!). You might find great peace in everyday activities that have recently slipped through the cracks. I know one woman who grooms her eyebrows when she needs to relax and another who takes several deep breaths.
2. Be Active
The hormones released when you’re feeling stressed give you energy. (You’ve probably noticed you feel jittery when you’re stressed.) Getting active by walking, exercising, dancing or even punching a pillow will help you use up that excess energy.
3. Be Kind To Yourself
Yes, even if you don’t feel like it, you still need to take care of yourself. Make sure you’re eating, staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, and generally treating yourself as the amazing person you are.
4. Build Your Support System
No one should go through divorce alone. So find the people who can positively support you through the stressful transitions that accompany divorce. You might also want to limit your contact with the people (like your ex) who bring you down or stress you out.
5. Grieve Your Relationship
This is a biggie. We all tend to want to avoid pain, but in this case you need to carefully push through the painful emotions of divorce so you can heal. Avoiding grief will only prolong your stress
By following these simple tips to de-stress during divorce, my belief is you accomplish two important things. First, you decrease your risk for both heart attack and broken heart syndrome. Second, you increase your risk of having a happy and healthy life after your divorce, and that’s almost just as important!
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Why “You Need to Make A Budget” Is Bad Divorce Advice
Taking care of yourself has to do with more than how much you spend.
One piece of advice almost everyone going through divorce hears is “You’ve got to create a budget”. Although this is extremely practical advice, I think it sucks.
You’ve just ended your marriage. You might have just moved. You might not have your kids all the time. You might be looking for a job. And, oh yeah, you feel like CRAP! Yet now you’re supposed to figure out how to put more restrictions on yourself and create a budget?! Yeah, it just sucks as far as advice goes.
What you really need is a spending plan. A spending plan is all about you taking responsibility for how you choose to spend or not to spend your money.
OK, so you might think this is just a case of puh-tay-toh po-tah-toh, the word budget has a negative connotation for most people. And who needs more negativity as they’re putting their lives back on track after a divorce? No one I can think of.
Divorce is tough. You deserve to take care of yourself in every way possible. And, yes, this does include the words you use.
Words are incredibly powerful and can completely color your experience. For example, would you rather have a really uncomfortable meeting with someone you’ve just met or a first date? Both descriptions are of the same event, but one sounds horrible and one exciting.
Try it for yourself. What’s something you say to yourself that always makes you feel bad? Now, how can you change that into something more encouraging, or powerful, or even just nicer? (If you’re having a hard time with this idea, read about my experience with learning to use kinder words.)
Language is important. It can make advice completely worthless. It can also make the same advice inspiring and incredibly valuable.
So, would you rather create a budget or a spending plan?
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly divorce advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
4 Tips For Decreasing The Cost Of Your Divorce
If you’re struggling with the cost of divorce, here are 4 tips to help you save on attorney fees.
With the average cost of divorce in the US at $15,000 (investopedia.com), it’s really no surprise that most people cite cost of divorce as one of their top 2 concerns when getting divorced. $15,000 is a hefty sum to most couples. It’s not unusual for couples to seriously consider staying unhappily together rather than getting divorced simply because of the cost. Some couples decide to get divorced and then start saving for it. They’ll choose to continue living together (which is very difficult for most) to minimize expenses and start saving so they can eventually get divorced. Even those couples who are more comfortable with the average price tag of a divorce don’t want to have to pay more than necessary.
So how do you cut the cost of your divorce? Follow these four tips and you’ll significantly your divorce cost.
- Keep a notebook, file folder, or spreadsheet that you use to record EVERY interaction you have with your attorney and their staff. The reason for this is that going through divorce is stressful and when you’re stressed you aren’t always thinking at your best. It’s incredibly easy to forget that you’ve asked a particular question before. Although your attorney and/or their staff will be happy to answer your question again, they’ll also be happy to bill you again for doing so. These records are your defense against forgetfulness that costs you additional attorney fees. Before you contact your attorney or their staff to ask a question, check through your documentation and see if you’ve already got the information recorded. If you can find the information yourself without contacting your attorney, you’ve just saved yourself unnecessary fees. (What do you keep in your notebook, file folder, box, or spreadsheet? The short answer is EVERYTHING. You’ll want to record the date, time, and duration of every phone call you make to your attorney’s office along with the information shared during the conversation. Save all of your email and text correspondence between you and your attorney’s office. You’ll also want copies of all the documentation you and your attorney exchange.)
- Realize what your attorney’s role is in your divorce. Many people going through divorce expect their attorney and/or their staff to help them with all of the emotional and financial repercussions of divorce. The truth is that no matter how sympathetic your attorney and their staff are, unless they’ve been trained as a therapist, counselor, psychologist or divorce coach, they’re probably not the best source of support for dealing with any of the emotional repercussions of your divorce. Similarly, unless your attorney is a CPA or financial expert, they probably are not the best person to help you figure out complex financial matters regarding your divorce. Making sure you interact with your attorney and their staff only to deal with the legal aspects of your divorce will save you not only the fees but the heartache of acting on well-meaning but erroneous information.
- Approach your divorce from a business perspective. Whether you realize it or not, when you got married you essentially created a business in the eyes of the government. The legal document that will be enforced with your divorce is to create the legal separation of your business (marriage) into 2 separate parts. When you allow your emotions to enter into the negotiation of the divorce decree, then you can be guaranteed that the cost of your divorce will increase. I’ve spoken with many attorneys over the years who each have stories of divorcing couples who fought about ridiculous things like who gets which Wii game and who gets which Tupperware. One hour of each of their attorney’s time usually costs more than the items being argued over. Keeping discussions that you involved the attorneys with to a minimum will definitely reduce the cost of your divorce.
- Come to your attorney with as many things agreed upon between you and your soon-to-be-ex as possible. If you and your soon-to-be ex can have a calm discussion as equals, it’s in your best interest to sit down at the kitchen table and agree on the division of as many things as possible without the need to involve attorneys. It might be simple to decide who gets the china and who gets the big screen TV. If that’s the case for you, then document as much of that stuff as possible. When you can each go to your attorneys with at least some of the separation of the assets, debts, real estate, and even child care and support already worked out, the cost of your divorce will be dramatically less than if you had nothing agreed to.
The fact is divorce is expensive. However, by using these four tips you can significantly decrease the cost of yours.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
How To Effectively Co-Parent With A Bully During Divorce
3 tips to help you mitigate the meltdowns while co-parenting during divorce.
A typical divorce is dramatic and traumatic for everyone involved. Divorce means that lives get changed forever – first and foremost your life, your kids’ lives, and your soon-to-be-ex’s (S2BX) life.
Although for some people the thought of things never being the same is a blessing. The blessing is no longer having to deal on a daily basis with temper tantrums, intimidation, insinuations, inquisitions, bossiness, or put-downs – the hallmarks of an emotional bully.
These people yearn for freedom from the drama and trauma of their marriage. They look forward to the end of walking on eggshells around their spouse so they can rebuild both their self-esteem and their self-confidence.
As much as you are looking forward to being divorced, your kids aren’t. They love both their parents. For them the thought of being separated from either of you is painful and scary.
Learning to co-parent with a bully is critical. Your kids deserve to feel as safe and loved as possible during your divorce. Co-parenting is the quickest way to achieve that. And the hard truth is that as the non-bully the bulk of this learning will fall on your shoulders.
Co-parenting is the term used to describe an ideal type of parenting during and after divorce. It implies that the parents are able to work together for the sake of the kids. Although, few parents are able to achieve this during the divorce process, it’s still an excellent model to work toward.
But, when divorcing an emotional bully things generally get worse before they get better. That’s because big changes like divorce can bring out the worst in all of us. Bullies know they can get what they want through coercion and threats. They’ll usually step up their efforts before they ever consider changing tactics.
Most people who divorce a bully feel powerless when the bullying behavior escalates during divorce. Even though you’ve probably been living with your bully for years and have developed your way of coping with it, it’s still pretty normal to feel powerless now.
You just need a few new ideas and skills to work through all that divorce brings with it and to take care of your kids.
You can easily find all kinds of information about how to co-parent. And as great as this information is, there’s a problem with it. Every last bit of it assumes that neither parent is a bully.
So how do you effectively co-parent with a bully?
You take the basics that are out there and you overlay these three tips.
- Keep your communication brief, Informative, friendly, firm (BIFF), and avoid apologies. Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the President of High Conflict Institute. His book BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns gives over 20 examples of BIFF responses for all kinds of situations. Learning to communicate in this way will decrease the chances of your bully having a total meltdown based on something you said, texted, or posted.
- Keep your eye on your end game. This tip is all about strategy. Reaching a divorce settlement requires negotiation. With any negotiation, you need to know your minimum requirements and what you’re willing to give on. Once you know what you must have, it’s much easier to determine how you want to interact with your S2BX. You’ll be able to evaluate your actions and responses against how they might impact your end game.
- Keep clear about what is and isn’t OK with you. Knowing and respecting your boundaries is important not only for your self-esteem, but also for how you’re modeling adult behavior. Remember, your kids are watching your every move and learning tons about being an adult from you and from their other parent.
Now, just because you are divorcing it doesn’t mean that your S2BX stopped being a bully or that you suddenly know how to deal with them (even after reading this article). You’re going to make mistakes and that’s OK. It’s just all to easy to fall back into old patterns of behavior especially when you’re feeling anxious, stressed, powerless, exhausted, lonely and overwhelmed as you’re dealing with your divorce and learning to co-parent.
So, if you happen to make a mistake and wind up on the receiving end of a temper tantrum from hell, remember that it’s OK and breathe. You’re still learning and this is just another lesson. Your lesson might be to remember that you can’t control how your S2BX behaves. Or your lesson might be there’s no sense in assigning blame to either of you because blame just makes you a victim. Or it might just be that your BIFF communication wasn’t quite as non-inflammatory as you thought.
Regardless of your lesson, remember that it’s OK. You can achieve the freedom you desire for yourself and your kids. You just might need to ask for some help or support to co-parent with a bully during divorce.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.