Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
When Will I Stop Hurting So Much?
Loneliness is one of the first most painful emotions to appear when you get divorced. Even if you were lonely in your marriage, it’s just somehow different when you are living alone. (Yes, this is true even if your children are living with you.)
The ways that people express loneliness are unique to each person. You might be like a hermit crab and withdraw into your shell, peering out at the rest of the world with a sad and dejected expression. Or maybe you avoid experiencing loneliness by being with someone, actually anyone either in person, by phone or even via social media, so you don’t have to be alone. Then again, you may experience loneliness by keeping busy – VERY busy – with work, or volunteer efforts, or with your kids and their activities. Or maybe you like the buffet approach and use a little hermit crab and keeping VERY busy with a touch of never allowing yourself to be alone.
What I want you to know is it’s natural to feel lonely when your relationship ends.
At some point you’ll start to realize the pain of loneliness can be an opportunity to rediscover the best of you and heal from the pain of your divorce. And once you reach this point, you’ll be able to move through the worst of the pain of divorce much more quickly and not get stuck in it.
The realization that you’re experiencing the pain of loneliness is usually accompanied with the question “When will I stop hurting so much?“ Every time you ask this question, you’ve got the chance to try some other way of moving past the pain and on to some other emotion. Even if the new emotion is discomfort, I can tell you that it’s LOTS better than being stuck in the pain and misery of loneliness. And every single time you choose to experience a less painful emotion, you’re closer and closer to being able to say “I’ve stopped hurting so much.”
For most of us who have been through divorce, our realization of the cessation of the pain isn’t immediate. It’s a gradual recognition of being able to enjoy things more, a desire to participate more in life again and a genuine willingness to be happy.
I wish I could tell you exactly when your pain of loneliness will stop, but the truth is I can’t and no one else can either. But, I can tell you some of the signs that you’re getting over your loneliness and have started becoming comfortable with alone-ness and being you. Sometimes knowing the indications that the worst is over can be incredibly comforting.
The signs you’re moving forward beyond the painful feelings of loneliness include:
- When you stop hiding out at home
- When you stop trying to find any other relationship to avoid being lonely
- When you stop being connected 24×7 with Facebook, your iPhone, and the virtual realities of computer and online games
- When you are content doing activities by yourself – going to the movies, going out to eat, etc.
- When you stop letting feelings of loneliness control your behavior
- When you start enjoying the new things you’re doing as part of your Functional Divorce
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
The next time you’re hit with the pain of loneliness, take a moment, recognize that the pain will ease with time and know that you have some signs you can be on the lookout for to know that you’re heading past the worst of it.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
21 Tips For Surviving The Holidays
The holiday season is typically a time for celebration with friends and family. Yet, when you’re divorcing, the holiday season can feel anything but merry. To help you enjoy this holiday season instead of dreading it, here are 21 tips you can use today.
1. Be patient
Even in the best of times, the holidays are usually a bit hectic. However, when you’re celebrating the holidays for the first time on your own, they can feel more than hectic. They can feel overwhelming! You’ve got so much going on emotionally with the divorce that the added tasks, events and scheduling of the holidays can all be just a bit too much. Be patient with yourself and your kids as you navigate the holidays. This is new and different for everyone and a little patience will go a long way toward making your first holidays post-separation/divorce enjoyable.
2. Be flexible
The holidays are about celebrating with family and friends and don’t HAVE to occur on only one specific day. I find that people with children who are celebrating the holidays for the first time as a single parent often get tied up in the idea that holidays can only happen on the official day marked on the calendar. For example, it’s not unusual for them to think that Thanksgiving Day can ONLY happen on the fourth Thursday of November. However, with a bit of advanced planning (See hint 16.), you may decide that Thanksgiving will actually happen the Saturday before the fourth Thursday of November so you can celebrate it with your kids. Having Thanksgiving early even has the added benefit of allowing you to avoid the crowd buying their last-minute turkey and fixings on the Saturday before the fourth Thursday of November.
3. Focus on others
Another way to enjoy the holiday season is to focus on those less fortunate than you. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or at a center that provides holiday “shopping” for needy families. I can guarantee that when you focus on providing joy for those less fortunate than you, an amazing thing happens; you forget about your troubles and appreciate what you do have even more.
4. It’s not about the stuff!
Gift giving is often a big part of the holiday season and with separation and divorce, the funds available for gift giving are usually less. However, gifts don’t need to be purchased to be appreciated. Sometimes the gift of time and attention means more than any store-bought gift ever could.
5. Let happiness happen
For a lot of people going through divorce, it can seem strange to experience any emotion other than some form of upset. Divorce is an upsetting event that can be almost all consuming. However, if you start to feel happy as a result of the holiday events, ENJOY the feeling! You deserve to be happy.
6. Reach out to family and friends
Almost everyone I know wishes someone could read their mind and offer help when it’s needed. On the other hand, I don’t know anyone who can read minds with any real reliability. The message here is if you need a little extra help to get your holidays merrier, be sure and ask for it. Don’t wait for someone to guess what you need.
7. Make new family traditions
With divorce so many things change. Some of these changes are not so comfortable, but some of these changes are good and might even be fun. What new family tradition can you introduce this holiday season to keep things fun?
8. Nix the guilt
So many divorced parents feel guilty about how the kids’ holidays will be different. The thing is different doesn’t mean bad or wrong. Different is just different. If you nix the guilt and embrace the new way your holidays will be, then your kids will enjoy the holidays too.
9. Work with your ex in a cooperative manner for kids sake
One of the things I always tell my clients is that their divorce is between them and their former spouse. The holidays can be a wonderful experience for the kids provided that’s the shared goal you and your former spouse have for them.
10. Continue your traditions, but simplify them
You may have holiday traditions that are important to you, but they just are not possible now that you’re divorced. What can you do to tweak these traditions so that you can still have them?
For example, maybe you had a holiday tradition of going skiing. If that kind of a trip isn’t possible this year, you may choose to do something else that captures the essence of the traditional ski trip. You may decide to play ski jumping on the Wii, have a marshmallow fight instead of a snowball fight and drink hot chocolate afterwards. Let your creativity flow and I know you’ll be able to create a modified tradition this year that you’ll still enjoy.
11. Don’t spend the holidays alone
It can be tempting to crawl into a cave and hibernate during our first holidays alone – especially if your ex has the kids. However, I urge you to resist the temptation. There’s no reason to punish yourself, for that’s what hiding in a cave during the holidays is. I’m not saying that you don’t need time alone. You absolutely do. I’m just suggesting that instead of spending all of the holiday season alone, make an effort to go out and spend some time with others. I promise that you’ll get a different perspective of your first holidays alone if you open yourself up to even a little fun celebrating the holidays with others.
12. Take care of your health
The funny thing about the holiday season is that it coincides with the cold and flu season. This, along with the stress that usually accompanies divorce, makes you a bit more susceptible to catching a bug. So, take good care of yourself by getting plenty of rest, exercise and good nutrition.
13. Give yourself a gift
This being the first holiday season post separation/divorce, you probably won’t be receiving a gift from your ex. The thing is, you probably won’t be buying them a gift either. Since your gift giving list has decreased by at least one, why not add yourself to your list? Go ahead and buy yourself something that you’ll truly enjoy this holiday season. (You may also want to make sure it’s not something that you’ll regret purchasing in the New Year when the payments for it start.)
14. Count your blessings
It’s easy to get caught up in what’s different this holiday season – in the negative sense. Flip that upside down and count what’s different AND positive this holiday season.
15. Lean on your faith
Whatever your beliefs are, you just might be able to find solace in your faith when you’re not feeling the “Ho Ho Ho!” in the holidays.
16. Plan ahead
The most important thing to have when you want something to happen at a certain time is a plan. Wanting to have happy holidays requires a plan too. Plan ahead to make it more likely you’ll have a happy holiday season.
17. Cultivate gratitude
Developing an attitude of gratitude does wonders for the way you view the world. This was one of the most important skills I developed when I got divorced. It helped me to be more positive and proactive about changing the things that needed to be changed not just at the holidays, but year-round.
What are you thankful for this holiday season?
18. What do you love most about holiday season?
People like the cooler weather, giving and receiving gifts, decorations. Whatever it is that you love most about the holiday season, figure out a way to get more of it. Once you do that, you’ll definitely have happier holidays.
19. What activities put you in a holiday mood?
When I ask clients this question I hear answers like shopping, parties, decorating, watching football, Christmas lights, and caroling. The next question I ask them is “How can you do more of these and get even more enjoyment out of the holiday season?” What are you answers to these two questions?
20. Be realistic
Your life is in the midst of a major change. For most people, separation and divorce brings increased responsibilities along with decreased financial means and free-time. Be sure and factor these facts in this holiday season. If you do, I’ll bet you’ll find it easier to be realistic with the expectations you have of yourself, your family and the holidays this year.
21. One holiday at a time
The holiday season can easily be a blur of activities that pretty much start as soon as the jack-o-lantern is off the front porch on the morning of November 1st. Prevent the blur by focusing on just one holiday at a time. Avoid multi-tasking and the potential for overwhelm by taking the holidays just as they come, one… at… a… time.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Choose one of the tips to implement immediately. Sometimes seeing a long list of tips can cause us to start to gloss over them. I know these tips work, so take a moment now and choose one of them that you can implement right now and then do it!
Choose a tip that addresses your biggest concern about the holidays and put it to use. It’s pretty normal for the tip that can be most helpful to not necessarily be the easiest to implement. If that’s the case for you, take a moment now and select the tip that would address your biggest concern. And, when you’re ready, take a deep breath and figure out how you can implement that tip to help you enjoy your holidays just a bit more.
Come back to the tips frequently throughout the holiday season. Just because you’ve tried a tip out once doesn’t mean that you’re done with it. Keep these tips handy and visit them throughout the holidays anytime you could use a little bit of help. And, of course, if you’d like to schedule a Complimentary Consultation with me to discuss your particular situation, just send me an email or give me a call.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
© 2012 Karen Finn. All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.
Insider Tips For Choosing Your Divorce Attorney Or Mediator
Whether you’re a man or woman, the dumper or dumpee, one of the very first things you probably realized you needed to do to get divorced is that you need to hire an attorney. If you’re like most people, you probably asked a friend or family member who’s been divorced who they used and then promptly hired that attorney. It wasn’t until after you’d already plunked down your retainer that you had any idea of what working with this attorney would be like.
If this sounds like you, you might be in for some surprised. This article will help you to better educate yourself about what you can and should expect from your attorney – AND how to select a new one if you decide to adjust course on your representation.
If, however, you’ve not yet selected an attorney, then READ THIS BEFORE you retain one.
STEP 1: Develop your short-list of attorneys. You need to interview (yes, interview) at least 3 attorneys before deciding whom you want to represent you. Go ahead and ask your friends and family for referrals, if and only if, your friends and family felt comfortable with their attorney.
STEP 2: Decide on the questions you want to ask your short-list of attorneys. One of my attorney friends wrote a great article for my website – “How to Choose an Attorney”. You can check out her article on my website at http://www.drkarenfinn.com/images/pdfs/howtochooseanattorney.pdf. In addition to the questions she suggests you use to interview your short list of attorneys, I also suggest you ask about the minimum billing increment. Attorneys typically bill by the hour for their services and have a minimum billing increment. What this means is that if an attorney has a minimum billing increment of 15 minutes and they receive a call from a client that lasts for 10 minutes, the attorney will bill their client for 15 minutes of time.
STEP 3: Schedule the interviews. Attorneys are busy people and you might not be able to get in to see them as quickly as you’d like. You probably knew this already on some level, but sometimes having the reminder helps.
STEP 4: Prepare for the interviews by getting yourself a notebook that you use to track the answers each of the attorneys provide to the interview questions you decided on in STEP 2.
STEP 5: Interview each of the attorneys on your short list. The key here is to remember that the attorney will work for you. You have the responsibility to make sure you’re choosing differently if your first choice doesn’t work. If you decide you need to choose differently, just start at STEP 1 again.
STEP 6: Select and retain the attorney you believe you will be best able to work with during your divorce. Once you’ve completed all of the interviews, allow yourself some time to review all the notes you took during each interview and then choose your attorney.
Choosing the correct attorney to represent you when you divorce is vitally important. Divorce changes your life in ways most people can’t predict. Because of the changes, you’re going to want someone in your corner who has YOUR best interests in mind. By following the 6 steps above you’ll be able to find the best attorney for you.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
If you’ve not yet hired an attorney, follow the steps above. I rarely believe it’s a good idea to divorce without the help of an attorney or mediator. There are just too many things that can get misinterpreted in filing paperwork on your own. So, please, do yourself a favor and save future headaches by working with a professional now.
If you’ve already hired an attorney, remember your attorney works for you. It’s not unusual for me to hear stories from clients that their relationship with their attorney isn’t working. (These are the ones who hired me AFTER hiring their attorney.) What I remind them of is the fact that their attorney works for them. If your attorney isn’t representing you the way you expect, then schedule some time to discuss your expectations. Most attorneys are more than willing to understand how best to serve their clients. Oftentimes, it only takes a simple conversation to clear the air and get things back on the correct path again.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Stop Scaring Yourself!
Here’s how to stop letting your imagination make things seem so much worse than they really are.
Since it’s the season for scary stuff, I thought I’d tell you a couple of horror stories I told myself when I was getting divorced. The first story is the everyday story. The second is the special event story.
I’ll start with the everyday story. I started telling myself various versions of this story shortly after my ex-husband and I separated in March of 2002.
My fears were LARGE. They invaded almost every facet of my life. I was afraid of living alone. I was afraid of not being able to support myself. I was afraid that I’d get sick from eating food that had gone bad. I was afraid of getting fat. I was afraid of getting old. I was afraid of losing my job.
I’m guessing you get the picture. It’s what I used to do with each of these fears that made up the everyday story.
Here’s one version of the story. I’m afraid of losing my job. Then I’d tell myself that if I lost my job, then I wouldn’t be able to afford to pay my bills. If I wasn’t able to pay my bills, then I’d lose my house and have to live on the street. If I had to live on the street then I wouldn’t’ survive long and I’d die a horrible death.
Here’s another version of the story. I’m afraid of getting fat. If I get fat, then no one will ever want to date me. If no one ever wants to date me, then I’ll never get remarried. If I never get remarried, then I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. If I’m alone for the rest of my life, I’ll be living alone forever (which amped up the scary factor). If I’m living alone forever, then what would happen if I lost my job? If I lost my job then I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. If I can’t pay my bills, then I’ll lose my house and have to live on the street. If I had to live on the street then I wouldn’t survive long and I’d die a horrible death.
Are you getting the idea of my everyday story? I was convinced that if any one of my fears came true then I wouldn’t survive long and I was going to die a horrible death.
OK, now for the special event story.
Shortly before my divorce was finalized, some friends from graduate school invited me to join them in Spain. Although I was in desperate need of a vacation, it took some convincing before I finally agreed to join them in Spain for a week. Initially, I needed convincing because I was afraid of spending the money just in case I lost my job. (Yes, that does mean that I started telling myself the everyday story.)
As the day for departure approached, I was happily anticipating and dreading it at the same time. I started telling myself that I was a horrible person because I was getting divorced and that I deserved to die. The closer the day for departure loomed, the more convinced I was that I was probably going to die in a plane crash because I didn’t deserve to have fun. I made myself miserable and a nervous wreck. All of the fun I could have had anticipating the vacation I turned into torment and torture.
As you already know, my horror story didn’t come true. I didn’t die in a horrible plane crash. I even managed to have some fun in Spain and on the way home I was too tired to worry about whether or not the plane crashed.
So what’s the point of me telling you my stories? Well, what I’ve found over the years is that many people dealing with divorce torture themselves with their own horror stories. I’ve heard horror stories about never being happy again. I’ve heard horror stories about never being financially well off again. I’ve heard horror stories about children never loving their parents again. I’ve even heard horror stories similar to my own.
In case you’re telling yourself horror stories, I want you to know two things. First, you’re not alone; many people tell themselves horror stories when they’re dealing with divorce. Second, it’s OK to tell someone who won’t judge you, about your stories and have them help you create a better story – a story that inspires you and makes you happy to be you.
Your Healing After Divorce Assignment:
| Image courtesy of adamr / FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
Identify the horror stories you’re telling yourself. What are the stories you’re telling yourself about your future? Anything that doesn’t inspire happiness and positive anticipation of the future just might be a horror story.
Stop torturing yourself and reach out for help in rewriting your horror story. If you’re ready to change the story you’re telling yourself into one with a happy ending, schedule a Complimentary Consultation with me. We’ll discuss how coaching can help you more quickly and completely work through your divorce and rewrite your story. Simply contact me now either by email karen@drkarenfinn.com or by phone 817-993-0561 and I’ll be happy to schedule some time with you.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach. I help people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice.
If you’re looking for more help recovering from your divorce, read more articles about Healing After Divorce.
Straight From the Headlines!
In just 11 days Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise reached a divorce settlement.
For most of us, the thought of reaching an agreement with our former spouse in just 11 days seems like a fantasy. How were they able to do it so quickly? From what I can tell there are two major factors that allowed the actors to reach such a rapid agreement.
First, they entered into their marriage from a standpoint of starting a business together. Despite Tom’s use of Oprah’s couch as a trampoline when he announced his love for Katie, their marriage wasn’t just a romantic notion. They realized that marriage is actually a legal agreement much like a business partnership. Katie and Tom worked with lawyers to cover the possible contingency of their partnership not working and so had a prenuptial agreement that was very solid. This business approach to their marriage removed a good portion of what they could have spent time arguing about during their negotiations.
Second, they each know that Suri needs both of her parents. Despite how they may feel about each other, they apparently respect the other as their daughter’s parent and know they will need to have regular contact with each other to effectively parent Suri.
I know that very, very few of us enter into marriage (at least our first marriage) with any thought other than living happily ever after. For many, the thought of a pre-nup is admitting to the failure of the marriage before it even begins and we just don’t want to do that. The thing to take from Katie and Tom’s example is the way they were able to be in business mode and not operating from an emotional state when working on their agreement. Yes, I know that getting divorced is highly emotional, however, being highly emotional while trying to reach a settlement will only make the process more painful and more expensive. It’s imperative that you remain as business-like as possible while working with your attorney and/or mediator so you don’t end up arguing about things like who gets which games for the Wii or who gets the crockpot.
Your child(ren), just like Suri, love both their parents and (unless there is some real reason to fear for your child’s safety) need to be able to spend time with both their parents. The question to ask yourself as you’re working through the parenting plan isn’t what’s best for you, but what’s best for your child(ren) in allowing them to have strong relationships with both their parents.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
How business-like are you being with your dealings with your attorney and/or mediator? Being business-like includes things like taking notes when you speak with your attorney and/or mediator, making notes about specifically what you need additional information on before you contact them, and keeping the emotional roller coaster out of their office as much as possible. What might you do to be more business-like and reduce the emotional, financial and time expenses of your settlement?
How are you supporting your child(ren) in having their other parent in their life? We hear so much about how kids of divorce suffer. One of the primary ways they suffer is by having their parents stand in the way of their relationship with their other parent. Do what you can to support you child(ren) in spending time with their other parent and you’ll see some of you child(ren)’s stress around the divorce decrease because they won’t have to feel guilty about wanting to spend time with the both of you.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
How To Take That Post-Divorce Awkwardness Out Of Special Occasions
What do you do about special occasions like birthdays when you get divorced?
Let’s take a look at this question from a couple of different angles. First, let’s see what you can expect to be different. Next, let’s dig into the question of which ones you should still celebrate. Finally, let’s talk about how you celebrate these occasions.
So, what can you expect to be different about birthdays when you are separated and divorced? Most likely, you’ll celebrate fewer of your former in-law’s birthdays than when you were married. It’s also common that former spouses no longer celebrate each other’s birthdays. However, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, former spouses will still contact each other on their birthdays. This is especially common when they have children together. You can expect that the way you’ll celebrate these occasions will change too.
Let’s dig into the question of which birthdays make sense for you to continue to celebrate when you’re separated and divorced. Many people have positive, healthy relationships with former in-laws and continue to celebrate birthdays with them. Notice the phrase, “positive, healthy relationships”. I don’t condone continuing to send your former mother-in-law a birthday card because you feel guilty or because you’re hoping that she’ll plead your case and help you get back together with your former spouse. However, if you have a positive, healthy relationship with her, then, yeah, go ahead and call or send her a card for her birthday. So what if you have children with your former spouse and you don’t have a positive, healthy relationship with your former mother-in-law? I believe that it’s your former spouse’s responsibility to help your children remember and celebrate their grandmother’s birthday and not yours. On the other hand, you may want to help your children remember their other parent’s birthday especially if they’re too young to remember it on their own.
Next, how do you celebrate? The fact is that EVERYTHING changes when you get divorced. You might not be celebrating special occasions with your former spouse any longer. Yes, that would mean that your kids will probably get to have 2 birthday celebrations – lucky them!. It may also mean that people you and your spouse know in common may not feel comfortable inviting both of you to special occasions any longer. The thing to remember is that who other people invite to celebrate their special occasions is all about them and not about you. So if you’d still like to acknowledge someone’s birthday, but you’re not invited to the party, go ahead and send them a card or give them a call IF you have a “positive, healthy relationship” with them.
The bottom line with respect to special occasions is to continue to celebrate the ones that truly are special to you and support you children in celebrating the special occasions that are special to them.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Evaluate the special occasions you have in your calendar. Make sure to eliminate the ones that are not associated with positive, healthy relationships in your life. However, make sure you keep your ex-spouse’s birthday in your calendar until your children are old enough to remember it for themselves.
If you don’t have any special occasions in your calendar because your ex-spouse always took care of that for you, make a list of the positive, healthy relationships in your life and find out when those people have birthdays. Make sure you do the same for your children.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
If you’re looking for more help on how to deal with the challenges of your life now, read more articles about Life After Divorce.
Riding the Ride: How To Recognize And Manage Your Emotions Through Divorce
Some decisions are really easy to make – What will I have for breakfast? What TV show do I want to watch? What time do I need to get up in the morning? Other decisions, like whether or not divorce is the correct path for you to take, can be agonizing.
Let’s begin by focusing on the person who is contemplating whether or not to divorce – the leaver.
Often times, the leaver is unhappy in the marriage and hasn’t been able to effectively communicate what changes they want to occur in the marriage. They may have tried therapy – either individual or couples. They may have tried some form of medication like anti-depressants or alcohol or even food. They may have tried distraction – an all-consuming hobby, focusing on the children, focusing on work. Yet everything they’ve tried just isn’t working and they’re still unhappy in their marriage. They may also have tried nothing because they didn’t believe they had any options.
On the other hand, perhaps the leaver has been able to communicate EXACTLY what they’d like to be different in their marriage yet their spouse isn’t willing or isn’t able to make the requested changes. When this is the case, the leaver often feels powerless and unimportant in their marriage.
Leavers often experience frustration, low esteem and guilt. Along with these emotions can come a sense of hopelessness of not knowing what else to do and a sense of having tried everything to make their marriage work – even if their spouse has no idea of what they’ve tried. They usually don’t think that well of themselves because they feel like a failure at having the marriage they want. They often recognize the commitment they made when they married their spouse and feel guilty that they are contemplating divorce. In fact, it’s not unusual for someone who has a lot of guilty feelings about contemplating divorce and who can’t see or imagine any way to ever be happy again to do something, like have an affair, that somehow makes it “acceptable” or “right” to get divorced. This something that they do may or may not be done consciously or with pre-meditated intent.
Now let’s talk a bit about the partner being left. When a spouse learns that their partner wants a divorce, the first emotions experienced are usually shock and denial. This is especially true when “the” conversation or “the” decision comes as a surprise. “How can this be happening?” “They can’t be serious. Can they?” “This has got to be some kind of a cruel joke!” These are the types of thoughts that run through their minds over and over again as they try to make some sense of what’s happening. Shock and denial are protective emotions. They keep us from having to deal with too much at any one time. The thing about these protective emotions though is that we can get stuck in them and avoid facing the reality of “the” conversation instead of participating in it.
However, choosing to participate in “the” conversation doesn’t make everything all better. Once the partner being left begins participating, the next two emotions most commonly experienced by both partners are anger and fear. Their worlds are on the verge of completely changing in ways they never expected and the changes are often both maddening and frightening.
The interesting thing about all these emotions is that both the leaver and the left can experience a rapid shifting of their emotions and can at times feel very unlike themselves. They can be angry one minute and experiencing overwhelming sadness the next. These shifting emotions are often the result of hormone levels that vary in response to the added stressors of “the” conversation or decision. These varying hormone levels often cause difficulty doing the things they used to be able to easily do. For example, if you’re usually a very organized and task oriented parson, when you’re going through the emotional ups and downs of divorce, ti’s fairly common to experience a sense of disorganization and not being able to get the things done you used to get done.
Recognizing the different emotions you experience during divorce regardless of whether you are the leaver of the one being left is critical to being able to manage your expectations of yourself and your spouse. Most people notice that they are not as efficient or capable while going through divorce. If this is the case for you, as it was for me, please take this into account and go easy on yourself. Be sure and schedule time every day to relax and nurture yourself. I promise it will be time well spent and enable you to get back to being you that much more quickly!
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Are you the leaver or the one being left? Get real with yourself here. I know it took me a while to realize that I had felt that I was left in my marriage before I ever started thinking about leaving it. Most people discover that the beginnings of the end of the marriage happened long before “the” conversation or “the” decision happens.
What are the emotions you’re experiencing now? Which emotions are you experiencing most often at this point in your divorce process? How are they impacting your life? What can you do to acknowledge the emotions AND move forward?
Be kind to yourself. Going through divorce is a big change and one of the most stressful life experiences you can have. Be sure and take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
If you’re looking for more help answering the question “Should I stay or should I go?”, read more articles in Unhappy Marriage?
Finding Your True Power
I love the Beatles. OK, it’s more accurate to say I love the Beatles album 1. I consider it “happy music” and often put it on when I’ve got a long drive ahead of me or when I just need a pick-me-up. One of the songs on the album is Help!
If you’re not familiar with the lyrics of the song, you can find them on Metro Lyric’s website. For me, the idea behind the song is that we learn how to be independent when we’re young and as we grow and mature we yearn and search for interdependence.
When we’re born we’re completely dependent on others and essentially helpless. All we can do is cry and scream when we want help. Then, when we turn about 2 we begin to discover our own power and the magic word “NO!”. That’s when our natural desire is to begin to find out who we are independent of our parents. Most of us tend to begin intently striving for our independence during our teen years. Some of us wait until we get to college to become independent and some, like me, don’t realize our full independence until much later. Regardless of when you establish your independence, it’s an important milestone and the ability to exclaim “I did it!” is one of the headiest moments anyone can experience.
And yet, after we’ve achieved independence and it’s glories, there’s often the desire for connection with others. I’m not talking about a temporary connection, but a deep meaningful connection that helps us to know that we’re not alone in our life. This is the search for interdependence and where we recognize our true power – our ability to be part of something so much larger than us that nurtures and supports us and everyone else in ways beyond what we could ever do on our own.
The key to this power, our true power, is the ability to be vulnerable and ask for help when we need it. This is different that asking for help simply because you want something that you’re unwilling to do for yourself. This is about asking for help because you’ve been working toward and straining for something and you realize you’re just not able to do it all on your own, you need the help of someone to take the next step, to ease some of the burden, to be connected with all that you can be and all that is. This is the type of asking that true interdependence demands. I believe this is true maturity. I also believe this interdependence creates a joy and meaning in life that is beyond compare.
My thought is that we all live lives that are combination of dependent and interdependent thoughts, habits, beliefs and actions. I think of the path between dependent, independent and interdependent being a continuum. Probably the easiest way to visualize it is as a line with dependent at the far left, independent someplace in the middle and interdependent is at the far right.
I’ve yet to meet someone who is living completely interdependent life. Of course, there are lots of people I’ve not met yet.
Your Friendly Coaching Assignment:
Where are you on the continuum of living a dependent, an independent and an interdependent life? What I find is that the answer depends on which part of my life I’m thinking about. You may find the same is true for your too. If that’s the case, answer the question for each part of your life. I’m sure your answer(s) will be interesting.
Are there parts of your life that you’d like to move more toward independent or interdependent? This can be a tough question to answer for a lot of people because we aren’t really sure if such a change is possible or we might be plain afraid of the consequences of such a change.
If you answered “no” to the last question, good for you! Chances are great that you’re comfortable with your life exactly as it is now. That’s a wonderful thing!
If you answered “yes” to the last question, get ready for an adventure! Figuring out how to realize more of your own power is the greatest adventure anyone can take. You’ll discover so much about yourself that you’ll be in awe of whom you truly are and who those around you are. That’s been true for me anyway. I also know that it’s not always the easiest adventure to undertake and yet every time I move from dependence to independence and then to interdependence I am ALWAYS happy I have.
Happy adventuring!
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach. I help people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice.
Life Is What’s Happening Now
Time is one of those concepts that we all get, but is difficult to define. It’s a marker that allows us to separate past, present, and future.
Why bother discussing time? Because, I agree with Alan Lakein who is credited with saying, “Time = Life, therefore, waste your time and waste your life, or master your time and master your life.”
When we go through divorce, it’s so very, very, very easy to get caught up in either the past or the future instead of being here, now.
We can get caught up in the past by thinking things like, “If only s/he would have told me they weren’t happy, I know we wouldn’t be getting divorced now.” We might even think things like, “I knew before I got married that I shouldn’t marry him/her.” This was one of the thoughts that I had when I was going through my divorce. It was the truth, but it didn’t do any good. The fact was that I had gone ahead and gotten married despite what my gut was telling me. Spending time thinking about a decision I had made YEARS ago wasn’t making the situation any better. It wasn’t helping me to deal with what was going on right then. It was just a way for me to come to terms with the end of my marriage – for a while. What it did in the longer term was it kept me from REALLY understanding what was going on in the present – what was going on with me. A large part of my struggle with divorce came down to the question, “What is it that I need to change or do to reclaim my happiness?” Focusing on the past never helped me completely answer this question. It gave me hints and clues, but never the answer.
On the other hand, we can get caught up in the future by thinking things like, “I don’t know how I’ll be able to make a living”, “I don’t know how I’ll be able to pay child support”, “I’ll never find someone to love me again”, and “I am so afraid of the future”. Focusing on the future with thoughts of fear, lack and struggle makes the process of divorce that much more difficult. Who on earth would want to move forward to a life of fear, lack and struggle?!
I know I sure wouldn’t, and yet, when I was going through my divorce, I had many of these types of thoughts. My thoughts and fears of the future played havoc with me. I would make a decision about how many to move ahead in a positive direction and I would break out in hives. I’d make another decision about how to move forward and I’d have a panic attack. Living in fear of the future was miserable!
Luckily for me, over time, I learned how to live in the present. I learned how to take the past and extract the hints and clues it provided about how I might be happy again. With the hints and clues, I started experimenting with my thoughts and actions to discover what made me happy in the present. I learned how to look with the anticipation toward the future and use the happiness of the present to project what would bring me even more happiness and fulfillment in the future.
I’ll be honest with you, this wasn’t an easy transformation for me, but I did it. Because I did it, I’ve been able to teach my clients how to do it. Because I’ve been able to do it and teach others how to do it, I know YOU can learn to live in the present too. YOU can appreciate and learn from your past. YOU can anticipate your future with happiness all while you are enjoying the present.
The most important thing to remember is that life is what’s happening NOW. Appreciate now. Enjoy now. Live now.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
What are you holding on to from your past that is keeping you from completely experiencing the present? You might find this question tricky to answer. It takes a willingness to get really honest with yourself and it might even require you letting go of some blame (either of yourself or someone else). On the other hand, you might be very well aware of what you’re holding on to.
What hints and clues does your past give you about how to experience more happiness now? When were you happy in the past? What were you thinking? What were you doing? How does what you were holding on to point you in the direction of what you might need in the future to be happy?
How are you using fear to keep you from anticipating the future with pleasure? What is it that is keeping you from moving forward with pursuing your future?
What does your ideal future look like? You don’t have to have every detail here or even know exactly how you’ll achieve it. The important thing is to know that your future can be ideal.
How might you use the hints and clues from your past along with an anticipation of the future to make your ‘now’ more enjoyable and fulfilling? If you’ve spent the time to answer the questions above, you’ve got the beginnings of how to make your ‘now’ happier. Remember, there’s no time like the present to start making things even better for yourself!
Appreciate now. Enjoy now. Live now.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
Your Thoughts Matter!
We all have hundreds of thousands of thoughts every day. Time to get up. I’m hungry. Who’s calling? Why haven’t they sent that email yet? I have so much to do. Do I look fat? How am I going to solve this problem? Why isn’t my attorney returning my call? If s/he would just reconsider, I know we could work it out. How could I be so stupid? Could this be cancer?
Some of our thoughts are helpful, some are fanciful, some are neutral, and some are just plain hurtful or scary. Every thought we have contributes to how we perceive ourselves, our situation and those around us. They can spur us into action or keep us from taking action. Our thoughts are what make our lives uniquely ours. That’s why two people can experience the same event and come away from it telling two entirely different stories about the event.
Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the bricklayers.
There were three bricklayers working side-by-side. A passerby stops to ask the first bricklayer, “What are you doing?” The first bricklayer rolls his eyes and responds, “Obviously, I’m laying bricks.” Not satisfied with the answer, the passerby stops by the second bricklayer and asks, “What are you doing?” The second bricklayer, without looking up from his work, replies, “I’m working so I can feed my family.” Still not quite satisfied with the answer from the second bricklayer, the passerby stops by the third bricklayer and asks the same question. “What are you doing?” This bricklayer carefully put down his tools, smiled at the passerby and proudly stated, “I’m building a cathedral.”
Each of these bricklayers was occupied by the same task, but how they thought about the task was entirely different. The first bricklayer was just there to do his job. The second bricklayer was there out of sense of obligation. The third bricklayer was there to be part of something bigger than himself. Who do you think is going to have a better day? Who do you think is going to have the longest day?
This simple story illustrates the power our thoughts have over our experiences.
Most people find divorce to be an unpleasant, stressful experience. I know I certainly did. Maybe you do too. The thing is, I find that most of us add to the unpleasantness and stressfulness of divorce without even realizing it! Wouldn’t you like to know if you’re doing this?
Well, the easiest way to tell is by becoming away of your thoughts. Are you expecting things to be miserable? That expectation can set you up to interpret things as miserable even when they just might not be completely terrible. Are you thinking about how hard things are going to be? That thought will keep you focused on how hard things are instead of being flexible enough to see easier ways of doing things.
Once you become aware of your thoughts, you can then decide if and how you want to change them. I’ll be honest with you, this probably won’t be the easiest thing you’ve ever done, but the payoff is worth it! Imagine being free of those nagging thoughts of not being good enough or those thoughts of everything being so hard or those thoughts of being scared of what the future holds. Pretty powerful stuff, huh?
One of the best ways I know of to keep my thoughts focused on the positive is to have a compelling place or future I am working toward. When I was going through my divorce that positive future included being able to make my own decisions about where I wanted to live. By focusing on that, I was able to buy my own home. By focusing on that, I was able to move out of state three different times because it was what I decided to do. Instead of thinking by habit that someone else would make the decisions about where I would live, I chose to focus on my thoughts so they could help me build my cathedral instead of just laying bricks.
Focusing on a positive future is a goal I set with every single one of my clients. You’ll benefit from doing so too. All you have to do to convince yourself of this is ask, “Are my thoughts helping me build my cathedral or are they just habits that are keeping me stuck?”
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Pick one area of your life that you’d like to improve. What areas of your life would you really like to be different? Your finances? How your divorce is progressing? How your kids are dealing with the divorce? How you think of yourself? Look at all of them and then choose the one area that would have the greatest impact on your life.
Decide exactly what you’d like to be different and create your compelling place or future with as much detail as possible. Now that you know which one area of your life you’d like to change for the better, imagine exactly what you’d like to be different. Be as detailed as you can. You might want to write a description of what you want to be different or even create a collage or draw a picture. This is your “cathedral”.
Become aware of your thoughts in this area. We all have tons of thoughts every day. We’re so used to them that we hardly notice when we’re thinking them. Amp up the volume on your thoughts about your “cathedral” so you can become more and more aware of all the thoughts you have on a daily basis about it. I bet you’ll be surprised at how often you really do think about it.
Choose to change your thoughts that aren’t helping you to build your “cathedral”. Once you’re aware of your thoughts about your “cathedral”, notice how many are not helping you and choose to change them to something that is helpful. This is one of those things that can be easier said (or written) than done, but with practice, you can definitely do it.
Happy “cathedral” building!
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach. I help people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice.