Posts by Dr. Karen Finn
28 Tips For A Happy Life
Smiling is a great place to start.
It’s both amazing and sad the number of people who spend the majority of their days feeling depressed, anxious, and generally unhappy. And, yet the majority of them can feel differently. I know this is the case because I used to be one of them. I used to struggle with unhappiness, anxiety, and depression on a nearly daily basis. However, I’ve discovered some tips for a happy life that work for me (and my clients too).
Below I’ll share 28 of my favorites. I’m sure at least some of them will be familiar to you. And I’ll ask that instead of just thinking to yourself, “Yeah, I know that” ask, “How can I do more of that?”
And for the tips you aren’t familiar with or haven’t tried, allow yourself to experiment. Who knows? You might find something that can help you experience more happiness and maybe even joy.
Here are my 28 favorite tips for a happy life:
Smile
As simple as smiling is, when you smile a whole host of chemical reactions begin happening in your brain. Some of these reactions release neuropeptides which help you release stress. Then, other neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins get into action. Serotonin is an anti-depressant, and endorphins act as a mild pain reliever.
Isn’t it wonderful that something so simple can have such a quick and positive impact on how you feel? (And there’s evidence that smiling can boost your immune system and possibly prolong your life!)Get a theme song
I love having a theme song. It helps me to refocus on what’s important to me because, as the saying goes, “What you focus on expands.”
I usually pick a theme song that helps me to achieve my current goals. Right now, it’s “Accentuate the Positive” an oldie but goodie. There are versions by Aretha Franklin, Bing Crosby, Johnny Mercer, and Perry Como.
Sometimes I’ll even make up a little ditty to help me keep my thoughts going in the right direction.Practice gratitude
This is probably one of those happy life tips you’ve heard before. Yet, it bears repeating. When you feel gratitude for what you have, your life, and your abilities, it’s so much easier to feel good. You’re present with what is instead of lamenting what isn’t.Spend time outside
Being out in nature is good for you in general, but it has been shown to increase happiness. Sunlight tends to elevate mood. And when you’re outside it’s likely that you’re also getting a little exercise which can also lead to happiness.Spend time alone
According to Forbes, even extroverts benefit from being alone. Studies show that the ability to tolerate solitude is linked to increased happiness, better life satisfaction, improved stress management, and less depression.Spend time in the company of those you love (and who love you)
And as happy as all the introverts were to read the previous tip, extroverts naturally gravitate to this one.
It turns out that being with family and friends can help you find healthier ways to cope with stress, may lengthen your life and improves your psychological well-being.Eat well
Years ago when I was struggling with divorce, I developed anorexia. For a while, I was trapped in a vicious cycle of feeling stressed and not eating which made me feel more stressed and depressed.
Many of my friends, family, and clients have a different story when it comes to stress. They tend to eat. Unfortunately, what they eat isn’t necessarily healthy for them, so they wind up feeling more stressed and depressed too.
When we eat well, we feel good. The old saying “you are what you eat” is true. Now you won’t turn into a potato chip covered with onion dip if that’s your favorite snack food. And who doesn’t love that snack? But you also won’t develop a strong healthy body or feel happy in the long run if all the fuel your body and mind have to work with is chips and dip.Get into motion
I love to exercise. If I sit still for too long, I get antsy which leads to stress, anxiety, and depression. I have to move in order to feel good.
And I know that not everyone is like me, however I’ll bet there’s at least one way you like to get moving that makes you feel good. And here’s the science to back up my opinion.
If nothing comes to mind immediately, think about when you were a kid. What were your favorite things to do?
Some activities that might be fun for you to experiment with are learning the latest dance moves, skipping, running, lifting weights, riding a bike skiing, walking your dog, playing with your cat, gardening, building a snowman, and swimming.Do what you love
When you take on tasks, projects, hobbies, and work that you love it’s easy to lose yourself in what you’re doing. Some people call this getting into a flow state. And there’s plenty of research to show the benefits of being in the flow which, unsurprisingly, include lowering stress and improving mood.Look at problems as projects
Perspective is paramount.
Pause for a minute and image that you’re facing a problem. When you focus on the problem it’s easy to start seeing all the ways it is definitely a problem. And, before you know it, the problem seems to expand in scope and seem insurmountable.
Now, imagine the same issue you categorized as a problem before as a project.
A project is something you intuitively know can be achieved because you can break it down into do-able steps. Projects also often have teams so when you think of problems as projects instead you are more likely to find the right people (and resources) to help.Build resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce-back, to move throughproblemsprojects, and regain your equilibrium quickly. It’s a vital skill to develop when you want to live a happy life.Make a difference daily
The happiest people all seem to instinctively make a difference – not always in big ways, but in meaningful ways to someone or something they value. And the difference they make doesn’t have to mean anything to anyone else.
For example, every morning I go and rescue critters from our pool. Usually, the critters are bugs and spiders. However, I’ve also rescued prairie voles, snakes, toads, frogs, worms (how worms get in the pool I have no idea), and mice. My husband and friends don’t completely understand why I do it, but it makes me feel good and I’m guessing the critters feel good about it too.Love yourself
Of all the tips for living a happy life, this is probably the most basic. Self-love means that you accept and appreciate who you are and care for yourself in ways that support your mind, body, and spirit.Respect yourself
Closely related to self-love is self-respect. Self-respect is knowing that you are worthy of being treated well by yourself and others and not allowing yourself to be treated disrespectfully. It also means that you value your thoughts, opinions, and experiences.Continue learning
Learning is about interacting with the world and being fascinated by it. That’s not something you have to go to school for. It can be as simple as regularly learning more about your loved ones’ lives or exploring nature in your backyard. It can also be as rigorous as going back to school for a degree.
At the root of all learning that leads to happiness is curiosity. When you allow yourself to become curious about something, you naturally live in the moment as you explore more about what you’re interested in. And living in the moment like this is a sure way to find happiness.Breathe deeply
Shallow, rapid breathing causes a stress response. Your muscles tense, your brain has a difficult time focusing on anything other than looking for the threat. And that’s not a recipe for happiness.
When you can focus on breathing deeply so that your stomach moves in and out, your body relaxes. It’s from this relaxed state that you can appreciate the joy and wonder of simply breathing and its affirmation of life.Sleep soundly
We require sleep to function at our best. Most adults need between 7 and 9 hours of sleep daily. When we don’t get the sleep we need some of the side effects include lower sex drive, weakened immune system, difficulty thinking, weight gain along with an increased risk of certain cancers, diabetes. and even car accidents. None of these side effects contribute to a happy life.
Yet, when you get the sleep you need, you function at your best so you are able to enjoy doing things that bring you happiness.Be a power poser
In 2010, researchers Dana R Carney, Amy J C Cuddy, and Andy J Yap discovered that posing in high-powered ways for as little as 1 minute promotes a sense of powerfulness, increased tolerance for risk and a decrease in cortisol (the stress hormone). In other words, you feel good about yourself!
A simple way to power pose is to stand like your favorite superhero with your feet a little more than hip’s width apart, your hands on your hips, your chest proudly out and your chin held high. Go ahead, give it a try now and see how much happier you feel.Laugh
Yup, laughter really is the best medicine – at least when it comes to finding happiness. According to the Mayo Clinic, the long-term benefits of laughter include making you feel happier.
Heard any good jokes recently?Give a compliment daily
This tip for happiness is all about spreading joy. When you sincerely compliment someone or even yourself, you let them know you appreciate them for exactly who they are. And when you see the sincere pleasure of a smile spread across the face of the person you just complimented, you’re sure to feel happy too.Take regular action (no matter how small) toward your dreams
Dreams are wonderful things. They inspire and motivate us to become more.
And when you prioritize your aspirations and take regular (maybe even daily) action toward them you tap into the hope and joy inherent in realizing your dreams.Forgive (yourself and others)
It’s hard to experience genuine happiness if you’re constantly berating yourself for a past transgression or still tied to a past transgression of someone else. Forgiveness isn’t about condoning the transgression; it’s about not letting it control you.
When you can let the past be in the past, see the present for what it is and allow the future to be full of promise, then you’ll know you’ve forgiven and you’ll feel happier.Unplug regularly
Our lives seem to revolve around technology and screens. The nearly constant use of our screens keeps our minds and bodies “on.” Being on all the time is exhausting.
Taking a break – even a brief one – gives you the opportunity to experience the present moment, to check in with yourself, to stretch, to rest your eyes, and to remember just how good it feels to recharge.Go mining for silver
When you develop the ability to find the silver lining in a situation, no matter what the situation, you’ll have a superpower that will allow you to be happier and share your glass-half-full perspective with others.Communicate kindly
William John Bennett said it best, “A kind and compassionate act is often its own reward.” Fortunately, it’s not just a nice quote. It’s also true.
Research shows that acts of kindness (and, yes, this includes communication) can reduce anxiety, depression, and the associated symptoms of stress. It’s also shown that it increases happiness in yourself and those who witness and/or experience your kindness.
Just imagine the impact consistently communicating kindly can have on you and your relationships!Dress appropriately
When you know you look good, you feel good and you’re more confident. Which is code for you feel happy!Limit negative influences
We are what we think about. So, it’s very difficult to feel happy when you’re surrounded by negativity. It’s like the negativity oozes into every facet of your life when you spend too much time focusing on it.
One of the ways you may consider starting to limit the negative influences in your life is by turning off the nightly news. I haven’t turned on the news in years and I’ve found that when there are things I need to know about I still hear about them, but without the overwhelming negativity inherent in the typical news broadcast.Practice serenity
I always giggle when I think about practicing serenity because it reminds me of this Seinfeld episode. But that’s not what I’m talking about here.
The serenity practice I’m talking about is getting clear about what is and isn’t in your control. With this clarity, you can let go of what’s not in your control and take responsibility for changing the things you must. It’s nicely summed up in the Serenity Prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr.
And, when we feel more in control of our lives, we naturally feel happier.
These 28 tips for happiness are just the ones that work for me and that I share with my clients. My hope is that as you read through this list you found one or two you’d like to try, one or two you’d like to recommit to doing regularly, and that they all inspire you to look for happiness every day.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn and I’m a life coach. Schedule a 30-minute private consultation for support in developing your own tips for living a happy life.
Looking for more information about how you can have a happier life? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Building A Happy Life.
6 Cathartic And Inspiring Life-After-Divorce Movies
It’s time to break out the popcorn (and maybe a box of tissues).
Sometimes you have to take therapy into your own hands – and to the movies. You may not be able to part ways with your shrink just yet, but you also may need a mini-reprieve from the format. That’s where those classic life-after-divorce movies come in. They can be both cathartic and inspiring – and a consoling reminder that you’re not alone.
There’s a reason people still flock to the oldies-but-goodies. Time may be on a fast trajectory, but emotions are timeless, especially when it comes to life-altering experiences like divorce.
If you’re drowning in your own tears or wondering whom to invite to your pity party, grab your remote and fire up your movie app.
Whether you need a big dose of the ha-ha’s or an excuse to emote into a box of tissues, Hollywood has answered the call.
Here are 6 cathartic and inspiring life-after-divorce movies to start your viewing marathon.
First Wives’ Club (1996)
Sometimes a little comedic revenge – at least on screen – is good for the aching soul. And, when it comes to revenge in life-after-divorce movies, no one does it better than Elise (Goldie Hawn), Brenda (Bette Midler) and Annie (Diane Keaton).
Jaded by their cheating husbands after helping them climb the ladder of success, they join forces for some costly retribution.
Traitors, keep your younger models. These damsels have come for the dough!Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
No one but the incomparable Robin Williams could infuse ROTFL comedy into the delivery of poignant experiences and life lessons. (Well, Euphegenia Doubtfire might give him a little competition.)
When San Francisco voice-over actor Daniel Hillard (Williams) is divorced by his wife Miranda (Sally Field), he loses custody of his three children. Co-parenting isn’t an option, and Daniel is limited to weekend visits with his kids.
In an effort to see them more, he creates the character of an old British nanny, Mrs. Doubtfire, and applies for the job.
The beauty and genius of this movie is that it’s fun (and cathartic) for the whole family. Children of divorce will easily relate to the Hillard children. And divorced parents will easily relate to the awkwardness of someone new entering into an ex’s life and the lives of their children.
If you need some healing laughter with a dose of every-divorce-is-unique, do a Netflix night and chill with Mrs. Doubtfire.Stepmom (1998)
This movie bravely steps into the possibilities and probabilities of life after divorce – children, custody, new love, stepparents, co-parenting, lingering emotions.
Julia Roberts plays Isabel, an ambitious photographer and the (younger) love interest of Luke (Ed Harris).
Luke and his ex-wife Jackie (Susan Sarandon) have two children, and Jackie is nothing if not the “perfect mom.”
Tension, resentment, fear, jealousy, and sabotaging rear their ugly heads as this family navigates the addition of a new parental figure.
And all the relationships go through a startling self-examination and transformation when Jackie learns she has cancer.It’s Complicated (2009)
What do you get when you combine Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, and Steve Martin? Well, it’s complicated, so you’ll just have to watch to find out.
Jane (Streep) and Jake (Baldwin) have been divorced for ten years. But leave it to a family event to rekindle the fire.
The complicated part? Jake is remarried and Jane is in a relationship.
Yeah, it gets hilariously messy. They’re well past the vulnerable period of rebound relationships, but they have managed to rebound into their own affair.
You may not be in the same situation, but, if nothing else, you’ll take comfort in knowing how twisted life after divorce can be.Under the Tuscan Sun (2003)
Author Frances Mayes expands upon her personal memoir of transforming a villa in Bramasole, Italy to tell a story of transformation after divorce.
After her husband divorces her for his affair partner, Frances, played by Diane Lane, is inconsolable.
Stuck in the early stages of grief, she accepts a life-changing gift from her lesbian-couple friends: a gay bus tour of Italy.
While there, she finds a dilapidated villa that needs as much soul work as she does.
Frances’s journey of rebuilding a crumbling edifice becomes a living metaphor for her own recovery after divorce. It also becomes the natural inspiration for her writing.
This you-can-do-this movie will move you through the agony of betrayal and divorce and into the light of healing and self-rediscovery.
And you get all that therapy while on a virtual Italian vacay.How Stella Got Her Groove Back (1998)
This life-after-divorce movie deals with one of the most obvious choices after a breakup: when to “get back out there.”
Whether you hold off on getting into a new relationship or jump the gun with an online dating profile, it’s a big choice.
Are you ready? Are you doing it for the right reasons? Are you really cut out for a relationship? What about your kids?
Stella Payne, played by Angela Bassett, is a successful stockbroker facing life after divorce in her forties.
Encouraged by her friend Delilah (Whoopi Goldberg) to take a trip to Jamaica, Stella comes face-to-face with familiar feelings and temptations. (Hey, with a temptation like Taye Diggs, what woman wouldn’t get tingly and tempted?)
But she has more to consider than just herself and her feelings in the moment.
Sometimes “getting your groove back” starts with redefining your groove.
If you still have popcorn in your bucket after this line-up, here are a few more life-after-divorce movies:
- Waiting To Exhale (1995)
- Crazy, Stupid Love (2011)
- Eat, Pray, Love (2010)
- Enough Said (2013)
You may not be able to escape the reality of your divorce. But sometimes a little escapism can help clear out your tears and restore hope.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. If you’d like additional support rebuilding your life after divorce, you can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice or you can schedule a 30-minute private consultation with me.
Looking for more information about how to start over after divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Life After Divorce.
What To Do If You’re Unhappy With Your Marriage & Depressed
It’s time for a reality check.
You walk down the aisle expecting eternal bliss, even though you know better. You eventually settle into more realistic expectations, learning as you go that happiness evolves and deepens in meaning with life’s challenges. But sometimes there is a harsh reality check: You’re unhappy with marriage and depressed.
You may not know which came first or if one is causing the other. When and how did I become unhappy? Is my spouse unhappy, too? Is this depression a result of my unhappy marriage, or is it somehow fueling the unhappiness in my marriage?
Despite the futility you may feel, your questions have merit. And doing the uncomfortable work of answering them could be the difference between saving your marriage and health…and not.
The interconnectedness of being unhappy with marriage and depressed has research to back it up. Each component – marital dissatisfaction and depression (and anxiety) – can affect the other. And the task incumbent upon the suffering spouse(s) is to figure out if one factor is giving rise to or exacerbating the other.
When you’re unhappy in a relationship, you may be so aware of your emotional unrest that you don’t realize the physical and mental unrest happening behind the scenes. Understanding how an unhappy marriage can affect you will clarify the relationship between marital dissatisfaction and depression.
For example, being in an unhappy marriage can lead to physical problems like a weakened immune system, increased blood pressure and cholesterol, and poor sleep. Mentally it can disrupt cognition, memory, and decision-making. It can even increase your risk of dementia and Alzheimer’s. And, on an emotional level, it can increase your risk of depression and anxiety and make you vulnerable to negative emotions like anger.
Research on the effects of marital conflict on depression and functional impairment corroborate these mental and emotional effects, as well as risks to physical health.
Turn the tables and ask if being depressed can lead to unhappiness in your marriage, and the answer is another yes.
Research has shown that a spouse’s level of anxiety and depression predicts his/her marital satisfaction. But the “aha” lies in the fact that they also predict the partner’s level of satisfaction. Despite anxiety having an influence, it is nowhere near as detrimental as depression.
In other words, not only is it difficult to live with depression, it’s difficult to live with someone who suffers from it. A double-edged sword that would challenge the happiness of even the best relationships.
It would be easy to get lost in a pasture of chickens and eggs. Which came first? Which do I focus on to fix the problem? What if I can’t fix my depression? What if I can’t fix my marriage? Is it too late to be happy?
Unless one or both spouses enter the marriage with a history of diagnosable depression, it’s more likely that marital discord leads to the depression. And one of the most frequent causes of being unhappy with marriage and depressed is a dominant-submissive dynamic in the marriage.
When one person assumes a controlling role in the marriage, the spouse in the one-down position is more vulnerable to depression. Even with successful antidepressant intervention, it’s the resolution of marital problems that prevents a relapse of the depressive mood.
When marital problems and fighting continue, depression continues. When marital problems and fighting subside, depression decreases.
But problems don’t go away on their own. And hiding behind alcohol, avoidance, and acquiescence only breeds its own issues and resentments.
When dominant-submissive inequality is at the root of marital unhappiness and depression, learning collaborative engagement skills is foundational to healing. And reaching out to the experts for some Problem-Solving 101 may be just the jump-start needed to turn a failing marriage around.
But let’s not disregard the damning influence of an undiagnosed mood disorder like depression. Depression, by its very nature, causes its victim to experience life through a cloud of gloom, however varied the intensity.
The person may not even know why the “darkness” is there because it’s “wired in.” If there are marital problems like the dominant-submissive dynamic described above, depression will likely intensify for the subjugated spouse.
But, if there is nothing unresolvable causing the depression, there may be an undiagnosed underlying disorder. And that brings us back to the effects of depression on both spouses.
If you’re evaluating your marriage through an underlying, hard-wired depression, you may be unaware of the problem. And that can spell unnecessary demise for an otherwise salvageable marriage.
You may wonder how to know if you need to stay in your miserable marriage or divorce. Assuming no issues like abuse, addiction, and chronic infidelity, the person who is both unhappy with marriage and depressed should consider a mental health evaluation.
It’s important to imprint the message that depression and other mood disorders are not judgment or value statements. Whether or not you (or your spouse) receive a diagnosis that points to a genetic or chemically-based depression isn’t a statement of blame or absolution.
Marriage is still the responsibility of both parties. And that means learning to communicate and problem-solve in ways conducive to mutual well-being and happiness. It also means learning to navigate unforeseen obstacles like health (including mental and emotional) issues.
The big question is whether, upon the acknowledgment of your marital unhappiness and depression, you want to save your marriage. You don’t need to have all the answers to answer that one important question.
If the answer is yes for both you and your spouse, you will be able to find your way to health and happiness.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach who helps people, just like you, who are unhappily married. For immediate help, you can download your FREE copy of “Contemplating Divorce? Here’s What You Need To Know”. And if you’re interested in working with me personally, you can book an introductory 30-minute private coaching session with me.
Looking for more ideas for what to do about your unhappy marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
Why Great Leadership In Any Area Of Life Requires Self-Awareness
Do you know yourself well enough to be a great leader?
At some point we’ve all thought about the qualities of a great leader based on our experience with a poor leader. A heartless boss, a hypocritical politician, a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do parent. Sometimes the absence of admirable qualities makes us all the more aware of what we admire. We intrinsically know the qualities of great leadership. And self-awareness tops the list.
You know what it’s like to be under someone else’s authority. A teacher, coach, manager – anyone charged with influencing an outcome by directing the behavior of others can wield a lot of power. And that power can shape more than just your salary or performance in the classroom or on the field.
Leadership isn’t limited to those with direct authority or power. It’s a quality that is cultivated (or starkly absent) in anyone who exudes influence in the lives of others. When someone is a leader in name or by appointment only, everyone suffers. But, when someone blends leadership and self-awareness into an expression of personal integrity, all things become possible.
The beauty of leadership is that it’s a quality available to everyone, regardless of professional rank. And it’s applicable to every area of life.
But, no matter what area of life calls upon your leadership, your leadership will always call upon your self-awareness.
Here’s why.
Self-awareness is a component of emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to recognize your own emotions, thoughts, and values and to understand how they impact your own behavior. This means being in-tune with your inner-workings and not simply going through life as a victim of yourself and your circumstances.
Think for a moment of what it would be like to trust a “leader” who has no concept of his own anger triggers. Or a “leader” who can’t recognize the signs of overwhelm and ends up not being able to make decisions. Or a “leader” who uses racial or bigoted language because “that’s how he grew up,” and he never took the time to question it.
These so-called leaders may have a position or title. But they don’t have the qualities of leadership. And self-awareness is the most essential missing ingredient that leads to all the others.
A true leader is grounded in an awareness of his or her strengths and weaknesses. This humility – this honest self-assessment – is at the heart of what’s called “the trinity of self-awareness”: know thyself, improve thyself, complement thyself.
Only when you are aware of your own strengths and weaknesses can you strategically apply that knowledge to the benefit of your circumstances.
Obviously you want to capitalize on your strengths and minimize your weaknesses while working to improve on them. Pretending that your weaknesses don’t exist will only breed confusion, hypocrisy, disloyalty, and failure.
It’s precisely this self-awareness that inspires trust and loyalty in others. When others look to you and see that you’re confident in your strengths, they’re inspired to emulate you. And, when they see that you’re humble about your weaknesses, they learn how to self-improve without fear or shame.
In this way, you bring your strengths to the table to serve the greater good. You become an example to be admired and followed, not an authority to be blindly obeyed.
It’s obvious that leadership and self-awareness can lead to success in the workplace. But what about other areas of life, like your personal relationships?
In order to understand leadership and self-awareness in a more personal context, it’s important to make a shift in the perception of leadership.
Too often we think in terms of “leaders” and “followers.” The first have their act together, and the others default to walking in their shadow.
But leadership doesn’t imply superiority or even authority. And the self-awareness at the heart of it serves the greater good as well as the individual.
Emotional intelligence implies not only the ability to be aware of emotions, but to appropriately apply and manage them. It also implies the ability to recognize and help manage emotions in others. And this is the foundation of empathy.
How can you recognize the facial expressions of sadness or fear in someone else if you deny those emotions in yourself? How can you extend compassion and create an emotionally safe space for someone else if you scorn your own vulnerability?
Self-awareness is essential to integrity, and integrity is the inspiration for loyalty. Only when you can recognize your feelings, thoughts, and values and their connection to your behavior can you objectively assess your choices.
Are you acting in accordance with your values? And are you empowering others by the consistent application of your strengths and your openness to feedback on your weaknesses?
This connection between leadership and self-awareness extends to communication, as well. If you can’t recognize and identify your own feelings, how can you possibly manage their expression? And, if you can’t exercise self-control when you don’t like how you feel, how successful will your communication be?
Consider that in any relationship – personal or professional – the only entity over which you have control is yourself. Attempting to skip over the work of self-awareness and go straight to managing others will be disastrous from the get-go.
The success of any interaction will come down to your ability to modulate your own words and behavior based on an intently cultivated self-awareness. This includes that essential but often neglected component of communication: listening.
Leadership isn’t limited to those elected to public office or doling out company policy from the C-suite. It’s a character quality hard-earned through self-reflection and practice. And it finds its expression in every area of life that connects you to your values.
Whether you’re managing a sales team, directing strangers through a life-saving rescue, resolving a conflict with a friend, or encouraging your child in their attempt to master math, leadership qualities will determine your success.
And the best way to develop those leadership qualities? Learn how to be more self-aware.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn and I’m a life coach. Schedule a 30-minute private consultation for support in cultivating greater self-awareness and becoming a better leader.
Looking for more information about how you can cultivate your self-awareness? You’ll find what you’re looking for in How To Be More Self-Aware.
7 Success And Happiness Quotes – It Is Possible To Have Both
Do you believe it’s possible to be successful & happy? You’re in good company if you do.
It’s not too much to ask, is it? To be successful and happy? After all, it seems only logical that if you can only achieve success, you’ll be happy. But you don’t have to be knee-deep in adulthood to know that’s not necessarily how life works. So let’s look to the sages, past and present, for some success and happiness quotes that illuminate the path to having life both ways.
Here are 7 pieces of success and happiness wisdom to convince you that both are possible.
- “Success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” (Albert Schweitzer)
I’ve listed Schweitzer’s wisdom at the top of the success and happiness quotes because all the others flow from it.
How many times have you heard stories of people leaving six-figure Wall Street jobs for a more Thoreauan, stress-free life? It’s as if some benevolent force swoops in and saves them just before they sign their souls over to the Devil. They’re exhausted, numb, and so poor that all they have is money. Everything they thought they wanted…and it didn’t make them happy.
And how many times have you heard stories of people who have “lost everything” but managed to walk away teeming with gratitude? Or the person who “just knows” what s/he is supposed to do in life, even if it means a sustenance of Ramen Noodles?
It’s the happiness – the genuine, permeating, contagious happiness — that is foundational to success, not the other way around. - “Happiness is not something readymade. It comes from your own actions.” (Dalai Lama)
Leave it to the Dalai Lama to make us look at our own choices as conduits to happiness. He understands that happiness is not a destination, but a way of life. And we choose it every day – not by wishing, but by choosing actions that cultivate happiness.
As great spiritual leaders have emphasized through the ages, we must stand guard at the “source.” Our thoughts become words, our words actions, our actions habits, our habits character…and our character our destiny.
When we know and live our values, we become authentic. Happiness, in this light, really is an inside job. - “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” (Winston Churchill)
Churchill, another great icon of success and happiness quotes, knew a thing or two about success, despite the odds.
The drudgery of the message is that the road to success is paved with failure.
The allure of the message is that enthusiasm, passion, happiness can connect all the dots.
When your heart is convicted toward its purpose, failure becomes just a weeding-out process. You learn what not to do. Yea! You learn whom not to trust. Yea! You learn what to hold onto and what to release. Yea!
And you most definitely learn what you’re made of as you grow in your determination. Yea! - “If you can do what you do best and be happy, you are further along in life than most people.” (Leonardo DiCaprio)
If anyone should know about the connection between success and happiness, it’s this bright Hollywood star. DiCaprio is doing what he loves, and he does it well.
But, before you assume his fame and fortune were handed to him on a silver platter, check out his inspiring rags-to-riches story.
This Oscar-winning leading man led with his heart and the source of his happiness. He also inherently understood that most people never know what it’s like to be happy at what they do best. Too many believe that success is the byproduct of hating what you do, but doing it anyway in order to succeed. - “You know you are on the road to success if you would do your job and not be paid for it.” (Oprah Winfrey)
Lest we get blinded by her wealth and industry dominance, let’s recall Oprah’s rags-to-riches story. She took risks that most of us wouldn’t dream of taking –
She fought hard for her success. But her fight was born out of passion for something that fueled her happiness.
Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.
Find your passion. Lean into it. Laugh when the hours while away without your realizing.
Life has a way of responding to dedicated passion with the opening of unforeseen doors. - “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” (Oprah Winfrey)
Of all the success and happiness quotes we’ve heard spill from Oprah’s lips over the years, the topic of gratitude tops the list. In one way or another, she always manages to come back to it.
How otherwise could you do a job for which you might not be paid? How otherwise could you be happy when any number of life’s tragedies befall you?
Gratitude keeps you grounded in the present. It is a posture of awareness of all that has been lavished upon you, even when you think you have nothing.
Gratitude allows you to walk in nature and feel transcended in the moment. It allows you to taste your food with a mindfulness of all that was done and sacrificed to provide it. It allows you to recognize love, kindness, beauty, and possibility.
It also allows you to recognize in others a need that you can fulfill.
But, if you see only what you don’t have, you will forever compare yourself to those who have more. They will have more money, more stuff, more success, more anything-you-can-think-of. And you will want it.
And, while you’re drooling over Oprah’s millions of dollars, you’ll forget that she was once just grateful to be alive. - “It’s never too late — never too late to start over, never too late to be happy.” (Jane Fonda)
And in the end, it all comes full circle, doesn’t it? Happiness really is the Holy Grail – the success for which we are too often willing to slay dragons (and our fellow man). It’s the object of every quest, the calling from deep within the well. And yet, most of us spend the most vital years of our lives not paying attention to it, and therefore not recognizing it.
What all happy people know about being genuinely happy is this: It’s never too late to align your concept of success with the happiness that has been there all along.
You simply have to open your heart…
…and listen.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn and I’m a life coach. Schedule a 30-minute private consultation for support in putting together the pieces so you can experience both success and happiness.
Looking for more information about how you can have a happier life? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Building A Happy Life.
6 Tips For Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce
Yes, you can do this.
Oh, the rollercoaster of it all. The falling in love, the wedding, the children, the disenchantment, the fighting, the falling out of love…the rebuilding life after divorce.
Remember your first rollercoaster ride? You climbed into your seat, fastened up, and threw your hands into the air and caution to the wind. And then the drop. That gravity vacuum that sucked the wind out of you and left you clinging, screaming, and wondering what you were thinking.
By the time the ride came to a screeching halt, your hair had given up any claim to a good day. And you dizzily walked away, wondering what had just happened.
Ending a marriage can feel a lot like that. You may not even have a firm grasp on how you got here, but suddenly the ride has ended and you’re climbing out.
Rebuilding life after divorce is like walking away from that ride you were so excited to try. Your legs are wobbly, your body almost numb. And your mind is reliving all the drops and loops while trying to process the unusual feelings coursing through your veins.
But somehow you know you will be standing in line for another ride. Just not yet.
Here are 6 tips to help you through that “rebuilding life after divorce” stage and get you confidently back into life.
- Grieve
It’s inevitable that you will feel a big hole where marriage, partnership, family, and all that go with them used to be. You spent a long time building your “normal,” even if it wasn’t perfect, and even if it eventually became unhappy.
This “living death” is going to take you through its stages, so you might as well get on board and embrace it. Learning to expect the unexpected ways that grief shows up will help you not get swept away by your feelings. - Commit to being a survivor, not a victim.
Grief has its place and needs to be accepted. But there can be a fine line between grieving and feeling sorry for yourself.
Rebuilding life after divorce is a constant testing of your own limits. And that’s a good thing because it means you’re growing.
People who recover from divorce most successfully have made the mental shift from victim to survivor. They don’t let divorce define them. And they know when to allow a little wallowing and when to get with the program.
If you’re a parent, imagine what that attitude will model for your children. - Stop trying to change what can’t be changed.
This can be tougher than it sounds. Divorce, by its very nature, lends itself to ruminating. He did….She said….If he/she had only….I wonder why….
While moving on in a healthy way requires a fearless self-examination of your role in your marriage and divorce, it also requires boundaries. There are things you can never change. You can’t change the past, but you can lay the groundwork for a new future.
And you certainly can’t change your ex. You’ll want to — the urge to blame and lay responsibility outside ourselves is natural. But you have no control over who your ex was and is, nor what he/she did or does.
And that goes for parenting styles, too. Outside of extremes like abuse or neglect, you’re going to have to focus all that “fixing energy” on yourself.
- Stay connected with friends and family.
Divorce carries so much negativity in its wake — embarrassment, shame, sadness, disappointment, depression. It can be very tempting to isolate from the world and wallow in the despair of it all.
All the more reason to stay connected to those who love and accept you for who you are. You will never forget the friend who held the tissue box while you did your ugly cries. Nor will you forget the relative who used his own divorce experience to support you into the best of your new life. - Embrace the financial change.
It’s one of the ugly realities of divorce. Resources that once supported one home and lifestyle are now divided between two. But remember, you’re a survivor, not a victim, right?
This is the time for you to rethink your priorities and focus on authentic sources of joy. Your financial mind shift may not be comfortable or easy, but it can move mountains for your confidence and stability.
Make the commitment to overcome your post-divorce financial fears by consulting a financial planner or accountant. Take an online course or read up on basic finances and investing. Educate yourself, establish a workable financial plan, and start setting short-term and long-term goals.
You have the opportunity to create life on your own terms. But you also have the responsibility that goes along with it.
Taking charge of this often frightening aspect of rebuilding life after divorce will do wonders for your self-esteem. - Learn to love being alone.
You don’t have to become a hermit or commit to life as a single person to love being alone. This lesson is really about building an awesome, loving relationship with yourself.
When you were married, you probably craved alone-time and rarely got it. Well, now you have it.
And, chances are, you’re not going to be single forever. So use this time to rediscover yourself. Indulge your interests. Daydream. Make bucket lists. Create new rituals, both for yourself and for you and your children.
Get reacquainted with your values and the big motivators in your life. Pay attention to that inner voice that used to get drowned out by everyone else’s needs.
Show up for yourself. And cherish the knowledge that you will always be your own best friend.
Rebuilding life after divorce is an ongoing process. But so are you. The important words here are “build” and “life.” Despite the heartbreak and the tearing apart of your world, there is never an end to the opportunity to “build life.”
Before you know it, you will start seeing signs of healing after divorce. Those wobbly legs will feel strong and stable again. And, when you look up at that high-speed twister, the drops and loops won’t seem so frightening. You’ll be ready for the thrill of the ride…hands in the air….
You’ve got this.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and life coach. If you’d like additional support rebuilding your life after divorce, you can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice or you can schedule a 30-minute private consultation with me.
Looking for more information about rebuilding your life after divorce? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Life After Divorce.
How To Escape A Miserable Marriage
It’s time to make a plan.
The vision of marriage is all about diving into life’s riches together. When you’re dating, you can’t get enough of one another. When you’re walking down the aisle, you see only the good that lies ahead. Nowhere in this fairytale is there a chapter on how to escape a miserable marriage. You don’t need it because…well, you just don’t need it. Your love, after all, is perfect. He’s perfect. She’s perfect. And love conquers all.
OK, hypnosis over. Back to reality. Even the most jaw-dropping carriage can be a glitzy cover for a rotting pumpkin. Bippity-boppity-boo doesn’t guarantee forever.
The first reality check is acknowledging (and preparing for) the fact that marriage isn’t all about holding hands and skipping through fields of gold. It’s work. Hard work. But hopefully the kind of work that is entered into with a vision toward personal and relational growth.
That’s why emotional maturity and a commitment to developing good communication skills is imperative. Without them, you will be more likely to see boredom, fighting, and periods of loneliness as signs that you made a mistake.
There are several shades of red in the red-flag category. Your marriage may simply be going through the normal stages of love. It may be unhappy due to neglect. It may be unhealthy because of poor communication skills and their effects. And it may also be downright toxic.
If you’re at a point where you’re trying to figure out how to escape a miserable marriage, hit the pause button. Obviously that flag you’re waving is bright red. But the first thing you need to do is decide if your marriage is just unhealthy or completely toxic.
Neither is a pleasant place to be, obviously. But, just as with your physical health that may seem to be deteriorating, “unhealthy” can often be turned around.
Sometimes we’re unhealthy because we don’t know how to be healthy. And sometimes we’re unhealthy because of a hidden, mysterious, or idiopathic cause. But rarely does someone who has become unhealthy not go to the doctor to seek help.
Simple analogy. Big meaning.
Going from unhealthy to healthy isn’t necessarily a quick fix. But it’s a lot easier to stay the course of fixing things when you know it will work — if you will do your work.
If you’re wondering how to escape a miserable marriage because it has become toxic, however, you may have a less hopeful prognosis. “Diseases” like abuse, addiction, chronic infidelity, narcissism, and control can have fatal consequences to a marriage.
When your physical and/or emotional safety is at stake, you may have no choice but to leave. And, if you have children, you have to rise above your own fears to create a path forward for you and them.
The most important message for someone asking how to escape a miserable marriage is: Have a plan. If you’re in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave, having a plan will be like taking yourself by the hand and walking to safety.
Here are the major points to remember as you structure a plan for leaving a miserable marriage.
- Tell someone.
Especially if you are in an abusive situation, having a support system is imperative. You’re going to need a village to embrace you and help you through what can be a very painful process. And you’re going to need the sound advice of experts and benevolent people who have been where you are.
Confide in at least a few people whom you know you can trust and who will honor your confidentiality. And make sure your “villagers” have phone numbers and vital information for you. This extra step is particularly important in situations involving abuse, addiction, or extreme control. - Build a safety net.
You’re going to need money to get you through. And, if you’re not already working, you may have no income flowing in that you can personally control. Put aside everything you can so you have money available.
This is a good time to consult with a financial expert, as different states have different laws about property in a divorce.
Building a safety net isn’t as simple as taking money out of your account(s) and hiding it in a suitcase. Common property states maintain that everything acquired during the marriage belongs equally to both spouses. So reach out for guidance to make a financial plan that protects you now without hurting you later. - Look for work.
Even if all you do find is a part-time, low-wage job, start the flow of income. If you haven’t been working and have been relying on your spouse’s income while raising kids, or going to school, establishing independence is paramount. - Look for a place to live.
Divorce is complicated, even in the best circumstances. But, when you’re dealing with how to escape a miserable marriage, it can get really messy.
You may not be in a situation where you can just go rent or buy a place, especially if assets are tied up. And, if you have children, you have to consider more than just yourself.
This is why that village is so essential. Is there someone in your life who would open their home to you for a while? If securing a place of your own isn’t as simple as apartment shopping and signing a lease, get creative.
Churches, support groups, domestic violence organizations, your social media friends, a realtor friend – these are all good places to start. You never know who knows someone who knows someone…. - Find a good family law attorney.
If your marriage is really miserable, it has probably been accumulating its toxicity for a long time. And that can make leaving a contentious process. Add children, assets and/or debts to the equation, and it becomes a road you don’t want to travel alone.
Someone who is an expert in family law can help guide you through all the important steps of leaving – finances, children, timing. - Stop communication with your partner.
If you have children together, you will obviously have to communicate. But keep your communication to matters involving the kids.
And, as an extra precaution, document all your communication, no matter how innocuous it may seem. When did you talk/text/email/meet? What was said or done?
Keeping a journal dedicated to your divorce could prove to be very helpful if your partner tries to make things hard on you.
If you have no choice but to be in the same house, strive to create separation as much as possible. You don’t want to be drawn into arguments, crazy-making, or efforts to change your mind. (That’s why you’re in this position in the first place, right?) - Seek professional help.
This is really an extension of building your village. It is so important that you don’t attempt to go through this process alone. While you’re multitasking with all the unfamiliar, painful, moving parts of divorce, your emotions will be taking a silent beating.
Whether you seek out a therapist, a life/divorce coach, a support group, a pro-bono legal advisor, or all of the above, you need them. You need their empathy, their knowledge, their resources, their clarity, and their strength.
This is one of the most important gifts you can give yourself as you navigate one of the most difficult decisions you will ever make.
There are really only three solutions to living in a miserable marriage. You continue simply surviving in an unhappy marriage; you learn how to fix an unhealthy marriage; or you leave.
If you’ve tried everything you can to make things work, but you’re losing your spirit and sense of self, you probably already know the answer.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach who helps people, just like you, who question how to escape a miserable marriage. You can download your FREE copy of “Contemplating Divorce? Here’s What You Need To Know”. And if you’re interested in working with me personally, you can book an introductory 30-minute private coaching session with me.
Looking for more ideas for what to do about your unhappy marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
Why Emotional Self-Awareness Is Difficult For Some People To Attain
How well do you know yourself?
Who are the people you know really well in your life? Your spouse? Your parents? Your best friend? As you contemplate your most intimate, secret-keeping, mind-reading relationships, do you think of the relationship you have with yourself? Chances are you don’t. The level of emotional self-awareness necessary to truly know, let alone love, yourself isn’t easy to achieve.
Yet, it’s so easy, isn’t it, to have everyone else in your life “figured out.” You predict their thoughts and behaviors. You know why they do what they do. You’ve just been around them so long you can read them like a book.
You may even be “that person” all your friends turn to for a listening ear, comforting shoulder, and sound wisdom. You know what they’re feeling and why. Some people are just that “in touch.”
But how well do you have yourself figured out? Do you have a grasp of why you feel what you feel and do what you do? Can you read yourself the way you (think) you can read others?
Emotional self-awareness is the foundational element of emotional intelligence, which is a cluster of abilities that makes emotional regulation possible. But self-awareness is perhaps the most difficult element to develop.
Self-awareness is the ability to see yourself clearly and objectively. And learning how to be more self-aware starts with a u-turn that drives your focus inward.
And therein lies the rub.
For as much as we live in a me-me-me culture, most people back away from the real “me work” that leads to emotional self-awareness.
Duval and Wicklund’s Self-Awareness Theory is based on the idea that you are not your thoughts, but are a separate entity that observes your thoughts. You “self-evaluate” by thinking about whether your thoughts, feelings, and actions align with your values or “standards.”
By “comparing against your standards of correctness,” you know if you are in alignment with your standards or need to make changes.
The more self-aware a person is, the more likely that person is to make behavioral adjustments when necessary. Her/his goal is to reduce the discrepancy between standards (morals, ethics, performance goals) and thoughts/words/behaviors.
Simply put, the discrepancy between the standards you set for yourself and your thoughts and choices causes discomfort as self-awareness increases. You want to stay in alignment, and straying from that standard knocks you off-balance.
The catch-22 is that a person with low emotional self-awareness is less likely to make behavioral adjustments and more likely to avoid future introspection.
And that is precisely the person who most needs to become self-aware. Ironically, it’s as if self-awareness drives self-awareness. It’s like a positive feedback loop – the more you have, the more you develop it.
Likewise, the opposite is true for those who aren’t self-aware. The bigger the discrepancy between their standards and choices, the less likely they are to step into the work of correcting themselves. They’re more likely to let their standards erode (thereby decreasing the discrepancy) or turn a blind eye to the arduous task of self-evaluation.
The tricky thing about emotional self-awareness is that most of us are on autopilot and don’t even know it. We lock in our thoughts, beliefs, habits, and behaviors early in life. And that kind of hardwiring is tough to rewire.
Think about the last time you found yourself in a conversation in which someone violated the cardinal rule of not talking politics. How much real listening went on? And how much lashing out with scripted platforms from opposite sides went on?
Interactions like that fuel the posture of reluctance to work toward self-awareness. People speak without thinking. They don’t answer questions asked because they’re on autopilot. They probably can’t even give an honest, reflective answer as to why they believe the way they do.
Their goal has nothing to do with learning, growing, or doing any kind of emotional rearranging. That would be too much work and might be a display of weakness or lack of assuredness. And they have no sense of what their bodies are feeling, so they can’t connect their feelings to their behavior.
All the potential for being fully present in the moment is therefore lost, as is the potential for growth. And the qualities that define authentic relationships are left buried in the vault that can be opened only by taking the risk of entering it.
Developing emotional self-awareness starts with a commitment to doing the tough inner work.
And that means dealing with the distractions that we all masterfully use to keep us out of emotional pain.
Let that sink in for a minute. Think about the multitude of detours you take in a day to avoid having “to deal.” Don’t want to tackle that report? Play a video game. Don’t want to think about that uncomfortable phone call with your father? Head to Facebook. Eat something. Turn on the TV. Sleep. Drink. Repaint the living room. Anything. Just don’t go there.
And yet, it’s only through stillness that can be fostered by mindfulness and meditation that clarity is possible. All those distractions, all those unexamined patterns, all those elephants allowed to stay in the room, blocking the truth that could be life-changing.
Once you recognize the ways you are blocking access to your own emotional self-awareness, you can get in touch with your feelings. Yes, this is the tough part. The feeling part. The crying part. The rude-awakening part. The “finding yourself” part.
The pivotal part.
The part that reveals the messages of your heart so that your head can do its own reality check and get off autopilot.
If you can brave this part, you can build your way back out – this time with a sound foundation. You can look at yourself with honesty and not fear what looks back because you know you will bring yourself into alignment. You don’t need to read people’s minds or predict your own future thoughts because you will be grounded in the present.
Now is the moment. Now is where the feelings are.
And now is where you are – self-aware and self-accepted. Now you are capable of truly extending empathy to others because you have learned to love what you once feared in yourself.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn and I’m a life coach. Schedule a 30-minute private consultation for support in discovering how developing greater self-awareness can help you find happiness.
Looking for more information about how you can have a happier life? You’ll find what you’re looking for in How To Be More Self-Aware.
Another Way Divorce Sucks: It Can Impact Your Long-term Health!
No matter how you look at it divorce sucks!…at least in the short term. But more and more research is being done on how divorce impacts former spouses. The results are sobering.
Karen and her guest Dr. Jennifer Ridley, a functional medicine doctor, discuss the long-term health implications of divorce and what you can do to decrease your chances of becoming a statistic.
You can learn more about Dr. Ridley and her practice at livewelldfw.com.
WAIT! Listen to This Before You Hire Your Divorce Attorney…
In this episode, Karen speaks with Lisa Zahn, a board-certified family law attorney in North Texas. Karen and Lisa discuss how to make selecting and working with a divorce lawyer less intimidating and less expensive.
You can learn more about Lisa at lisazahn.com.
Here’s more information about selecting and interviewing a divorce attorney.