Posts Tagged ‘divorce’
Rediscovering You After Divorce
Despite stress, confusion and misery. There’s a gift in divorce if you look for it.
Have you heard the story of the frog in the pot? In case you haven’t, it goes something like this. Imagine you took one of your old pots down to your local pond on a frog hunt. Your goal is to capture a frog along with some of the pond in your pot and bring your prizes back home. After sloshing through the muck for a while, you hear a ribbit off to your right. You slog your way as quietly as you can toward the sound and there it is the source of the ribbit — a huge frog! You slowly sneak up on the warty warbling beast and capture him, his lily pad and a bunch of pond water in your old pot.
Covered with a bit of pond scum, you make your way back home with your prize. When you walk in your front door, you make your way to the kitchen where you put the pot containing the frog, lily pad and pond water on the stove and turn the burner on low. Almost immediately, the frog is contentedly ribbiting away. You head off to change your clothes and check your e-mail. After a while you notice that the frog has stopped its singing. You walk back to the kitchen and find frog soup boiling away on the stove. Why didn’t the frog jump out of the pot?! It turns out that the water temperature was changing so slowly that the frog didn’t notice that it was becoming soup.
The same thing happens to you and me when changes are small and gradual. We don’t notice that they’re happening. For many people in a relationship that ends in divorce, that’s exactly what happened to them. They started off their partnership with all kinds of joy and the hope of living happily ever after; but over time, things changed and not for the better. Usually these changes are made to keep the peace or for the kids or to keep from rocking the boat. But the truth is, when you make changes for these reasons, you’re really giving up a part of yourself. You’re giving up who you really are.
And this is what I want you to understand. I want you to recognize that along with all the stress, confusion and misery of divorce there just might be a gift for you. The gift is having the time and space to rediscover the bits and pieces of yourself that you gave up for the sake of the marriage. The bits and pieces may be big or they may be small, either way, they’re important.
For example, I know of a woman who gave up garlic for her partner who was allergic to it. Now giving up garlic might seem like a small thing, but this woman loves Italian food and for years she made Italian meals without garlic. When they split, one of the first things she was able to rediscover about herself was her absolute love of cooking and eating garlic-laden Italian food at home.
I gave up something bigger than garlic for the sake of my first marriage. I gave up on my need for a relationship with my husband. Over the years we stopped having meaningful conversations and doing things together. I tried to figure out ways to change things, but wasn’t successful. So I accepted it and pretended that being roommates who had a joint checking account and occasionally had sex was enough for me. After living like this for a few years I finally realized that it wasn’t enough and that I missed the part of me who enjoyed having a real relationship. That was when my ex-husband and I began talking about getting divorced. We divorced about a year later.
I don’t know what bits and pieces of yourself you gave up for the sake of your marriage, but I’m pretty sure you’ve given up something that you just might be happy to find again now after divorce. Unlike the frog that became soup, you can rediscover the bits and pieces of you—the real you—that you slowly changed and gave up for the marriage. Now, you get to be wholly, completely and wonderfully you again.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
What do you know you gave up for the sake of the marriage? What would you be glad to have back in your life again? What could you do today to start to get it back?
You might have given up something so long ago that you’ve forgotten what it was. No worries! Just take a few minutes and think about some of the things you enjoyed as a kid. Anything you’d like to try again now? Take another few minutes and think about the things you enjoyed doing before you got married. What would you like to try again now? How can you start to get more of these enjoyable things in your life?
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
Finding The Right Divorce Experts For You
Make sure you’ve got the divorce experts you need on your side.
For most people, divorce is made up of a bunch of unfamiliar events, requirements, emotions and behaviors. It can be a very confusing time. Because divorce is so confusing, unfamiliar and legal, it’s in your best interest to have exactly the right divorce experts to help you out.
The first expert most people find to guide them through divorce is an attorney or a mediator. The legalities of divorce can have repercussions for years and you deserve to have your interests attended to by an expert. However, an attorney may not be the first divorce expert you need to consult.
Another expert you might choose to assist you is a Certified Divorce Financial AnalystTM (CDFA). Experts with this designation can help you understand the long-term implications of various divisions of the marital assets and liabilities. For example, they can help you decide if it makes financial sense for you to keep the house. You deserve to have your financial interests attended to by an expert, but a financial expert may not be the first divorce expert you need to consult either.
People often also turn to a physician or psychiatrist to help them combat the worst of the emotional turmoil of divorce with medication. If your health or life is at risk because of the emotional turmoil, then these medical experts are the first you should contact. However, for most people they aren’t the first divorce experts needed.
Another expert many people going through divorce choose to work with is a therapist or counselor to help them understand how they got to the point of divorce and to identify the behaviors they might choose to change. You definitely deserve to work with these mental health experts, but they probably aren’t the first divorce experts you need to hire for your team of divorce experts.
The first divorce expert most people need to help them work through their divorce transition as quickly and thoroughly as possible so they can feel happy and confident again is a divorce coach.
A divorce coach’s role is to help you get from where you are in the midst of your divorce to where you want to be which usually involves you being happy and feeling confident again. They’ll provide this help in two ways. First, a divorce coach will be able to provide you with a means of choosing the rest of your team of divorce experts and help you identify when you might consider adding another expert to your team. Second, a divorce coach knows that what makes one person happy and confident will be a bit different for another. An experienced divorce coach will have a program that teaches tips, tools, and techniques that you can use to move yourself out of the pits of divorce. They will also provide you with candid feedback and challenge you to keep moving forward so you climb out of the pit and move on toward feeling happy and confident again. A divorce coach will use their experience, expertise and resources to help you get through your divorce and on with your life more quickly than you could ever do on your own.
Of course, a divorce coach can only be the key player in your divorce expert team if you take the time to choose the best one for you.
So, I’ll bet you’re wondering, “How do I choose the best divorce coach for me?” Here’s a four-step process to help you do just that.
Step 1: Create a short-list of divorce coaches. Start by asking your friends, family and even any divorce experts you might have already engaged with. You can also search the internet and social media for referrals. I suggest you find 3 to 5 coaches to create your short-list.
Step 2: Do some research. There are several things you’ll want to gather information on for each of the coaches on your short-list. By doing this research you should be able to winnow your list down a bit more.
- You’ll want to check out the coach’s credentials – training and membership in professional coaching associations. There are few places where coaching is regulated. What this means is that anyone can choose to be a coach regardless of whether or not they’ve had appropriate training.
- Visit the coach’s website and look for personal details about the coach. See how many of these questions you can find the answers to:
- Has the coach been divorced? This is critical because divorce isn’t something you really get unless you’ve been through it yourself. Watching other people go through it just is nowhere near the same as experiencing it firsthand.
- How long the coach has been divorced? It’s not unusual for someone to enter a helping profession when they are in the process of healing themselves. You’re going to want to be fairly certain that the coach is through their healing so they will be able to focus on yours.
- How long after their divorce did the coach decide to become a divorce coach? You can get a rough feel for whether or not the coach has finished their own divorce recovery by finding out how long after their divorce they decided to become a divorce coach.
- What portion of the coach’s clients are working through a divorce and moving on with their lives? If the coach’s work isn’t primarily divorce related, then they won’t be as focused on what you’ll be going through as you might like them to be or as you deserve.
- Now look at the coach’s website and uncover details about the services and products they offer. Some of the things you’ll want to look for are:
- Individual coaching – Most coaches offer individual coaching either in person, by phone or even Skype. They also will usually offer packages of a number of sessions for a reduced price when compared to sessions only on an as needed basis.
- Group coaching – Fewer coaches offer this option. When they do, it’s usually in person, but there are a few who offer group coaching by phone and on-line. Also be sure to check how long the group remains together.
- Self-study – This is more difficult to find, but there are a few divorce coaches who offer books, assessments and programs for the person who wants to do the work on their own.
- Retreats – Retreats are usually offered for a week or less at a resort or spa.
- Freebies – Most coaches offer freebies to provide people tips for navigating divorce and to allow people to have a better understanding of who the coach is and what it might be like working with them. Look for special reports, newsletters, resource lists and blogs.
- Costs and payment options – Divorce can be expensive. The cost of the divorce coach’s services and their accepted forms of payment are also important pieces of information for you to know.
Step 3: Interview the remaining divorce coaches. Many coaches offer a complimentary interview or consultation. Take advantage of this! Ask them the answers to the questions you still have. Get a taste of what it would be like to work with them. Be sure and make notes for yourself during each of the interviews so you’ll feel confident in your final decision.
Step 4: Select and hire the divorce coach you’re most comfortable with. Once you hire your divorce coach you can expect to start quickly getting through the remaining hurdles to you being happy and confident again.
Your Assignment To Find Your Divorce Experts:
Have you found your divorce coach yet? I know it might seem funny for me, a divorce coach, to be asking you this, but I really want you to get the support you need. You may really enjoy reading my newsletters and blog posts, but aren’t sure you’d like working with me. That’s fine. Schedule a complimentary consultation with me. Get your questions answered and find out what working with me might be like. I want you to find the best divorce coach for you. Take the time to follow through on the process above and I know you’ll find just the right divorce coach for you.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. If you’re ready to take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
If you’re looking for more help on dealing with your life now, read more articles about Life After Divorce.
Divorce Doesn’t Make You A Failure
Divorce changes the trajectory of your life, but it doesn’t have to define it.
Dictionary.com’s first definition of failure is “an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success.” According to this definition, divorce is a failure – the failure of the marriage. Yet what I see in each of my clients (and what I experienced when I got divorced) is that going through divorce can make you feel like a failure, like you’re less than other people and have done something fundamentally wrong that you might even believe you deserve to be punished for. Granted, your divorce may be the result of poor decisions you made, but that’s different from believing that you are fundamentally bad because of the failure of your marriage.
Although believing that you are a failure because your marriage has failed is an almost universal experience, what I want you to know is that this is a flawed belief and points to a fundamental misperception that we are what happens to us along with what we do and have in our lives.
Like so many of my clients, in my first marriage, I let my marriage and all that happened as a result of it define who I was and what my value was. For many years, I thought that I had to make my marriage work no matter what. The no matter what for me was losing the changing dreams and desires that I had for my life. I decided (albeit unconsciously at the time) they didn’t matter as much as what was needed for my husband to be happy and that if I could fit things in for me around him and the needs of my marriage then I was lucky. I fell into the trap of abdicating responsibility for me and my life. I stopped making the proactive decisions I needed to make to be fully me.
But here’s the thing: I didn’t understand any of this until after I was divorced, until I worked through a lot of the pain and misery of the transition, until I knew that I wasn’t a failure. It was my marriage that had failed, and that was because of my actions and my ex-husband’s actions. What I had from the failure of my marriage was feedback. I had information about what did and didn’t work for me in a relationship. Over the years, I have been able to use this information, along with all the other feedback I’ve gotten along the way, to make new and improved choices for my life — including my new marriage.
I was one of the lucky ones. I was able to figure out that I am separate from what happens to me in addition to what I do and have in my life. Not everyone who divorces understands this separateness. The saddest cases are those people who stay stuck in their divorce. They are on a constant loop of blaming their ex, themselves, or both, for the failure of their marriage and the failure of their life and themselves.
The best lived lives put into action a belief that life is about moving forward, cultivating your best you, and your ideal world around you by living your purpose. This only happens by active participation and the ability to let go of any and all grievances or judgments you hold — including those you have about your divorce.
Is it easy? No, not at first. At first, it’s awful. It’s one of the hardest things you can do. It requires taking 100 percent responsibility for yourself and accepting that you do have a certain amount of power over what becomes of you. It requires an almost constant awareness that each day is a new day, that each moment is a new moment. We each have the power and the option to make a new start every single moment of every single day. We can make our lives into what we truly want them to be if we are simply willing to make the choices to do what’s required to make them that way.
It probably sounds like a lot of hard work, and it is, but the alternative is failure — failure to be wholly, completely and truly you. That is failure. Divorce is just the failure of your marriage, and it can provide invaluable feedback for you to make your life the best it can be.
You have the choice right now to set your sights on what you want for your life. Once you know what you want, you can begin taking steps (even itty-bitty baby steps) every day toward making your life that way. And if things don’t immediately go the way you want, you’ve just gotten more feedback for you to use adjusting the steps you’re taking.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is absolutely positively yes, and 10 is absolutely positively no, rate the following statements:
- I am a failure because my marriage failed.
- My life will always be a mess because of my divorce.
- My ex is to blame for our divorce.
- My life will never be as good again because of my divorce.
If you gave any of the above statements anything other score than 10, you’re just like nearly every other person on the planet, and have some work to do on being able to separate you from what happens to you, what you do, and what you have.
One way to start becoming more aware of this separation is to remember a time when you stubbed your toe. Remember how painful it was? Did it cause you to think that you were a failure because you got hurt? Or, maybe it provided you some feedback so you could pay more attention to where you were going, or maybe to wear closed-toe shoes, or maybe even avoid the area where you stubbed it. This simple example can be expanded to help you look at painful events as inspiration to make new choices.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach and advisor helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And if you’re interested in taking the first step toward working with me, you can schedule an introductory private coaching session.
No More Sleepless Nights!
Divorce is one of the most stressful life events you can go through. And one of the most common symptoms of being stressed out is an inability to sleep well. Yet, sleep is one of the best ways to minimize the effects of stress by allowing your body and mind to recover. It can seem like you’re in a catch 22. You’re stressed out because of all the changes resulting from your divorce and really wanting a good night’s sleep (or two!), but you’re so stressed out and your mind never slows down long enough to get the sleep you’re craving which makes you more stressed. ARGGH!
I want you to know there is hope for a good night’s sleep. These are my top 5 tips for getting the rest you need to help you more effectively and easily deal with the stress of your divorce.
- Make sure your room is a place where (theoretically) you can easily go to sleep. Is your room dark enough? If not, get yourself a sleep mask. Is the temperature of your room conducive to sleep? If not, add a fan or more blankets or put on a pair of socks. Is your room quiet enough or too quiet? If not buy some ear plugs or listen to some music or put the TV on a sleep timer.
- Make sure your bed is welcoming. Especially when you’re dealing with the stress of divorce, your bed can feel empty. While I don’t recommend finding someone to fill it until after you’ve finished the bulk of your healing, I do recommend cuddling with a pet or even getting a body pillow and tucking it tightly next to you.
- Get your body to relax by doing some exercise daily. The stress of divorce dumps all kinds of hormones into your blood stream. The purpose of these hormones is to give you energy. If you’re not using up that energy, you’re going to be stuck with the buzz at night when you’d rather be sleeping. A great exercise for dealing with the stress of divorce is to get outside in nature and go for a walk, a jog, a run, a bike ride or even go skiing. Being in nature and active releases a lot of stress and will allow you to relax and fall asleep at night.
- Keep a notepad and pen by your bed. The stress of divorce can also keep your mind running at a million miles an hour. You’ve got thoughts and worries about remembering to do things, about things you’ve already done and then there are all the thoughts about trying to understand why your ex, the person who promised to love you, is doing what they’re doing. Actually taking the time to write all those thoughts down will stop your worry about trying to remember all the things you want to do, will stop your worry about what you’ve already done and help put into perspective that your ex just isn’t the person you married any more.
- Develop a night time routine conducive to sleep. Divorce is disruptive to everything in your life including your nightly routines. Now’s the time to create a new nurturing routine that help you prepare for a restful and restorative night’s sleep. As inspiration for creating your routine, here’s mine. At about 9:00pm, I’ll get my exercise clothes laid out for the next morning, floss and brush my teeth, lay out my clothes for the next day, wash and moisturize my face, put a glass of water on my nightstand, crawl into bed, write in my gratitude journal, turn on my meditation recording, turn out the light, put on my eye mask and then drift off to sleep.
Following these tips helps most of my clients start to get more restful sleep at night. If after a couple of weeks you’re still not sleeping well, it’s time to visit your doctor and see what suggestions they have.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Evaluate your bedroom. Make sure it’s a place you’re comfortable sleeping. If it isn’t, do what you need to do to make it that way.
Grab some extra pillows and put them where you can easily get them if you decide you need them during the night.
Schedule some daily exercise outdoors. I’ll bet you’ll be surprised at how big a difference this can make in helping you to relax.
Put a pen and notepad by your bed. If it’s already there and waiting for you, you won’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night tonight and search for either one.
Develop your nighttime routine. A great starting point for your routine, after you’ve done the previous steps, is to decide on a consistent bed time. A consistent bed time works for kids and adults too with helping to prepare your body for sleep.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach.
If you’re looking for more help recovering from divorce, read more articles about Healing After Divorce.
How To Move On After Divorce
Three things you need to do to successfully move on after divorce.
When I think about all the work I do as a divorce and personal life coach and how I help people navigate the chaos and confusion of divorce so they can get on to living the best of their lives, I realize that the bulk of my work really involves 3 tasks. I work with people who want to move on after their divorce people so they can:
- Take care of themselves
- Separate the present from the past and create their future
- Realize they’re not alone
These are three tasks everyone is required to complete to be able to successfully move on from divorce.
So many people who get divorced give up on themselves. I was one of them. I gave up on myself when I got divorced. I thought that since I’d failed at my most important relationship what’s the point? Why bother doing anything more than go through the motions of living? Yes, this was the voice of me experiencing melodrama and situational depression.
Although I didn’t know it at the time, my work as a divorce coach over the last few years has taught me that most people feel a version of this when they get divorced and that it’s not a place anyone should stay for long.
It’s vital that you take care of yourself when you get divorced. It’s the only way you’ll be able to move on and discover what’s possible for you. (You’ve also got to take care of yourself to take care of your kids too.) Taking care of yourself involves things like eating appropriately, getting enough sleep, finding employment if you don’t have it already and asking for help when you need it.
The next big piece of work everyone who’s ready to move on from their divorce needs to complete is separating the present from the past and taking the steps necessary to create the future they really want.
This recognition of the difference between the past, present and future is the focus of any type of coaching. Most coaches call it closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be.
However, with divorce, things are a bit trickier because there’s usually such a strong pull back to the past and wanting to understand why the divorce is happening not to mention grieving the marriage and all that went with it.
Don’t worry if you feel like this is the hardest part of moving on from your divorce because this is the one task that most people have the most difficult time with. The key to completing this particular task quickly is to have appropriate support. You might look for the support you want and deserve from a family member, friend, clergy, therapist or divorce coach. Just make sure that the person or people you’re getting support from really know what it’s like to get through divorce and can help you move on from your divorce quickly and completely.
The third task is the one that really helps people make quantum leaps toward their desired futures post-divorce. Getting involved in a divorce support group or workshop that focuses on both commiserating AND accountability is the quickest way for you to realize that you’re not all alone when you’re going through divorce.
Unfortunately, not all divorce recovery groups are created equal, so you’ll want to do a bit of research to find the one that will work best for you. You’ll want to ask anyone you know who’s taken a divorce workshop if their workshop provided both an opportunity to share what they were going through AND accountability for moving forward between classes/sessions. You can also ask your attorney for a recommendation of a good class in the area. Here are three websites for organizations that offer divorce recovery workshops that you can check out: Divorce Care, Rebuilding Workshops, and When Your Relationship Ends Workshops.
If you’re ready to successfully move on from your divorce, realize that there are only 3 things you need to do:
- Take care of yourself
- Separate the present from the past and create your future
- Join a community so you recognize that you’re not alone in getting through your divorce
Once you start your work on completing these tasks you’ll develop the focus and determination to not only move on from your divorce, but to get on to making the rest of your life the best of your life.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Which of the three tasks to moving on from divorce do you need to pay the most attention to right now? Most of us like to think that we need to multi-task to get things done – including healing from divorce, but that’s just not true. All that anyone can truly focus on at any instant is one thing, so start at the top of the list and see, if you need to take care of yourself, if you need to separate now from the past and design your future, or if you need to search for and join a divorce support group.
What help do you need to accomplish this one task? When you’re going through divorce, just about everything becomes a bit more difficult to do because of the huge changes divorce brings with it. It’s 100% OK to ask for some help. So go ahead and ask for the help you need. You’re worth it!
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice or take the first step to work with me as your personal coach.
© 2013 Karen Finn. All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.
Compromise Isn’t A Contest
The ability to compromise is one of the requirements for a successful long-term relationship. Although when the relationship ends, it’s pretty common to realize that what you were calling compromise really wasn’t. You discover you were giving in or giving up for the sake of keeping the peace or being a wonderful partner. In essence, you lost and your partner won.
If someone wins and someone loses, it’s not compromise. It’s a contest and there’s a score.
Although we’re taught to be good sports when we’re kids – you know be a gracious winner and a good sport about losing – I don’t know anyone who likes to lose again and again and again. That’s because continually losing in a contest can lead us to think that we’re less than our opponent. When our opponent is our partner, it’s a recipe for disaster. They start to also believe that we’re less than they are and treat us that way. Then, we start resenting them and lose a little piece of ourselves every time we stuff our thoughts and feelings for the sake of “compromise”.
Compromise isn’t about always doing what someone else expects or wants. Compromise in a relationship is about two people who respect each other being able to freely talk about what their different thoughts and ideas are to arrive at a mutual decision which will allow them to move forward in some way.
Now, you and I both know that this isn’t how most of the real world of relationships works. This “freely talk” stuff is often accompanied by raised voices and maybe a slammed door or two. BUT the key is that both people are able to be heard when they speak about what’s important to them. Granted it can be hard to be heard when two people are yelling at each other so compromise usually works best before the issue reaches a fevered pitch.
When I first got married I thought that compromise just meant that things were able to move forward in some way – not that my feelings and thoughts were valuable and needed to be part of the equation. I believed that so long as my husband was happy that I should be happy by default. If he wanted to do something, then I should be OK with it no matter what I really thought. I convinced myself that we were great at compromising. What I was great at was giving in and giving up so we wouldn’t argue. And every time I did that, I thought less of myself. I lived like that for 18 years. That’s a long time to continually chip away at your self-esteem and identity.
When we divorced, part of me felt free. I wouldn’t need to worry about pleasing him anymore. Another part of me was scared because I realized that meant I could focus on pleasing myself, but I wasn’t really sure what I liked or wanted. It had been so long since I had allowed myself to know me – the real me.
Fast-forward to today and I’ve been remarried for 4 years. I know who I am and what makes me happy. One of the things my new husband and I continue to work on is the art of compromise. I’ll be honest when we first got together we had more contests than compromise. There were plenty of raised voices and doors slamming, but today we’re much better at compromise. Compromise for us requires looking at the bigger picture instead of only what’s going on in the instant. We look at what our overall goals are for ourselves, each other and our relationship. Once we do that, it’s so much easier to compromise instead of battle.
And this experience is why I believe that the ability to compromise, really compromise, is a key part of being in a successful long-term relationship.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
How well did/do you and your ex compromise? Be extremely honest with yourself. Were you always getting your way? Were you always giving in?
How would you like compromise to be different in a new relationship? Most people see the value in compromise instead of conflict or even always getting their way. What’s your opinion?
How will you increase the likelihood of you having the ability to compromise in a new relationship? What do you need to look for in the personality of your new partner to know that you’ll be able to compromise in a way that will nurture the relationship? What do you need to change about the way you communicate to allow compromise the way you envision it to be a part of your new relationship?
Feeling like you would appreciate some outside support with this whole idea? You might want to contact a therapist or a divorce coach to get a different perspective and some tools for how to make your next relationship great.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are contemplating divorce. Should you stay, or should you go is a powerful question and I’m here to help you make a smart decision that will lead to your greatest happiness… whether you stay OR go. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
If you’re looking for more help answering the question “Should I stay or should I go?”, read more in Unhappy Marriage?
Courage And Freedom
For me, my life has been one big life lesson in courage and freedom. Thus it comes as no surprise that helping others find the courage to reach financial freedom has been my career path for the past fifteen years.
As a wealth advisor, I help others have the courage to pursue their dreams and create the financial freedom to live joyful and abundant lives. Does that equate to living a life full of roses—the answer can only be yes if one accepts the thorns alongside the beauty.
The key to embracing our life purpose lies in embracing the challenges along the road to freedom, facing the fears that otherwise hold us back and having the awareness that without a roadmap in hand, financial freedom is but a fleeting dream. It takes real courage to invest one’s money into a volatile market gripped with global economic uncertainty. Throwing caution to the wind is not prudent. But with careful consideration of one’s goals and objectives, flavored with a bias towards risk management, and courage to correct course along the way, financial freedom becomes reality.
We all go through transitions in life—affectionately called “stressors”—-marriage, births, job loss, career changes, major illness, loss of loved ones, divorce, moves, retirement, to name but a few. All transitions share a commonality—they take courage—courage to overcome our fears and courage to embrace the change that results from each event. Financial freedom makes the transitions less stressful. And sometimes the financial freedom comes as a result of the transitions. And yet, financial freedom takes focus, effort, work, determination, and courage.
If you are seeking courage and freedom, then “When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.” With an open mind you can explore, create, and grow, remembering all the while that progress would be impossible if we continue to do things the way we always have. As John Wayne said, “Courage is being scared to death—and saddling up anyway.”
So “saddle up”—find the courage to create a life full of freedom, joy, happiness, and abundance and you will know you are truly living!
This article was contributed by Janet Woods, Wealth Advisor, UBS Financial Services, Inc., 214-373-5918 www.ubs.com/fa/janetlwoods
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
What are your financial goals? Most people dealing with divorce need to visit this question. Divorce usually changes finances dramatically, yet it doesn’t have to ruin your financial future. Allow yourself the freedom to really assess what your financial goals are.
What do you need to do to achieve your financial goals? This is one of those times when it’s important to know what you need before you can ask for help. Everyone has a unique financial situation when they complete their divorce. Some people need to figure out how to invest a lump sum from a retirement account, some people need to find a job, and some people need to figure out how to rebalance their portfolio. Whatever your unique situation is, spending a bit of time figuring out what your most immediate need is will allow you to know exactly whom you need to request assistance from.
Luckily, I know you know how to ask for help (you wouldn’t have found this newsletter if you didn’t) and so you’ll be able to start on your path to reaching your financial goals by working with the correct professional for you. BUT, if you need an assist in knowing which type of professional to work with, I’m only a phone call or email away.
© 2013 Karen Finn. All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.
Separated Or Divorced: The Easy Road?
Have you ever heard someone say that instead of working things out a couple is taking the easy road by deciding to separate and divorce? I have and all I can say to those ignorant people is “Seriously? You have no idea what it takes to get divorced.”
Making the decision that a relationship in which you’ve invested YEARS of your life is better off ending than continuing is FAR from easy. In fact, it’s usually gut wrenching. Although there are the extremely rare people who enter into a marriage with the intent that it end with divorce, the rest of us jump into marriage with both feet, a sense of commitment and a willingness to make things work whatever that takes. And did I mention we usually spend YEARS trying to make things work before we ever think of separation or divorce. I certainly don’t see how any sane person can look at a couple who’s divorcing and say they’re taking the easy road.
Reaching the decision to separate and divorce is hard. It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made not only in the moment the decision was made, but in the fall-out of that decision. EVERYTHING changed in that moment. Not all the changes were for the better – at least not in the short-term. I came face-to-face with some hard truths about me and how I was living my life. It wasn’t all pretty and took a whole lot of really hard work to get me straightened out. BUT I am a much healthier and happier person now.
The road I’ve taken since my separation and divorce hasn’t been easy, but it has felt much more alive and real than the road I was on in my first marriage.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are contemplating divorce. Should you stay, or should you go is a powerful question and I’m here to help you make a smart decision that will lead to your greatest happiness… whether you stay OR go. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
If you’re looking for more help answering the question “Should I stay or should I go?”, read more articles in Unhappy Marriage?.
How To Slay Your Dragons
When’s the last time you heard someone say, “I feel stuck!”? It probably wasn’t that long ago. Heck, it might have even been you hearing yourself uttering or muttering these words.
When I went through my divorce and the process of rediscovering myself, I felt stuck. Everything in my life was changing, but I felt stuck. I had repetitive thoughts that got in my way. I had beliefs about being less than others and these beliefs often kept me from having, doing and being what I wanted. In short, my divorce derailed the life I was living and I was feeling overwhelmed by all the changes.
What I know now that I didn’t know back then is that all of my feelings of stuckness were just my personal dragons that I needed to slay before I could fully engage in my life again.
So just to be clear about what it feels like to be stuck these are some common things my clients say to describe being stuck:
- Stressed out
- Feeling misaligned with what’s going on
- Experiencing strong unpleasant emotions
- Needing to get more knowledge about something, but not sure what or how to do it
- Repetitively trying things that just don’t work
- Not able or willing to take the actions needed
(Of course there could also be a medical reason for experiencing these feelings of stuckness and those folks need to work with their healthcare provider too!)
Maybe these descriptions of stuckness seem familiar to you. Maybe you’ve seen your own fire-breathing dragons and are tired of being at their mercy. If that’s you, I’ll bet you’re wondering “How do I slay my dragons?”
And that, dear reader, is exactly the question I hoped you would ask.
It turns out that there’s been quite a bit of amazing research done over the past hundred years or so on the human body and discovering that we each have “multiple brains”. If we define a brain as a collection of a large number of ganglia along with sensory and motor neurons, neural cells with inter-neurons, support cells and components such as glial cells and astrocytes. In addition a brain has certain functional attributes such as perceiving, assimilating and processing information, memory and storage access, ability to mediate complex reflexes via an intrinsic nervous system and a storage warehouse of neurotransmitters. With this definition and capabilities, it turns out that we each have at least 3 brains (You can read more about multiple brains in Oka and Soosalu’s book mBraining: Using Your Multiple Brains to do Cool Stuff). Your 3 brains are located in your head, around your heart and in your gut. By understanding how to connect with each of your brains and in a particular order you can slay your known dragons.
Here’s how I suggest you go about slaying your dragons:
- Relax. The exact method here isn’t as important as that you just do it.
- Step into the logic of the issue to get really clear and specific about what the current situation is and what your desired situation is.
- Tune in with your heart. What is your heart telling you about the situation?
- What is your head/logic telling you about the information from your heart?
- Tune back in with your heart. What adjustments to the thoughts from your head need to be made?
- Tune into your gut. What does your gut say about this information?
- Ideally, at this point your gut has given you an indication of what actions need to be taken and given you the energy to take them. If not, then take the information from your gut and return to step 3.
As you can see from the steps above slaying your dragons is all about getting clear and energized about taking actions because you’ve been able to think about the situation (dragon) in a different way. I think Einstein said it best – “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
Solving the challenges and problems that come along with divorce requires you to think and act differently than you have been. Once you can see them from a different perspective, it usually becomes fairly clear about how you can slay your dragons. How do I know? Because I’ve done it myself.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
- Identify a dragon you’re ready to slay. I recommend starting small. What’s one small thing that’s keeping you stuck?
- Apply the process above. Allow yourself the time to experiment with this process. I think you’ll be amazed at how quickly you’ll be able to get in touch with each of your brains and get moving in the right direction for you.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice or schedule a confidential consultation with me.
© 2013 Karen Finn. All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.
No More Robots!
When you got married, chances are it was a happy occasion and you had dreams of “Happily Ever After.” Leaving the idea of “Happily Ever After” and getting to the point in a marriage when divorce becomes a viable option is usually extremely painful and confusing. Actually making the decision to divorce is rarely easy.
Although the decision to divorce is strictly between you and your spouse, there are 3 different ways you can know when it’s time to make a dramatic change in your marriage.
- You’re feeling robotic and just going through the motions. If you find that your marriage is just kinda there – you each do the minimum to maintain the relationship – it’s time for something to change. You deserve to have your marriage be meaningful. Overall, your primary relationship should contribute positively to the quality of your life.
- You’re stuck in analysis paralysis. If you can’t make up your mind about whether or not something needs to change in your marriage, then you’re experiencing analysis paralysis. What I’ve discovered when I find myself in situations like this is that I’m lacking courage. If I have an inkling that something needs to change, it does! Debating with myself about whether or not I trust myself is a waste of time and has the potential to further damage the relationship. My time is better spent by figuring out what needs to change and then taking the action to make things better.
- You’re hiding yourself. We all wear masks of one form or another to get along. It’s part of our socialization. Think about it, how many times do you automatically respond “Fine.” when someone asks you how you’re doing? We may be having a miserable day, but we still respond “Fine.” The problem with purposely hiding yourself in your marriage is that besides denying who we are we’re also preventing ourselves from having the real benefits of being in an intimate relationship with our spouse. Relationships are meant to support us and prove a safe place for us to be us. If you feel like you can’t be you, it’s definitely time for something to change.
It’s natural for every relationship to grow and change over time. Each of the situations described above is just an indicator that a change is needed – not that you need to divorce. By recognizing that your marriage is in one of these situations, you might even be able to make the necessary changes to save your marriage and avoid divorce altogether. However, to accomplish this takes courage, the willingness to be vulnerable and a determination to eliminate robotic responses.
Your Friendly Coaching Assignment:
Which of these situations remind you most of your marriage? Every relationship needs to change at various times. Sometimes the change that needs to happen is one that you need to make, sometimes it’s something you need to discuss with the other person and ask them to make, and most of the time you both need to make adjustments.
What adjustments would make your marriage or your next relationship better? Getting clarity about what would improve the relationship in your opinion is vital. You might be able to do this on your own or you might need to discuss it with the other person. Once you have the needed clarity it will be much easier to improve your marriage and/or avoid the same situations in your next relationship.
I’m Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce and personal life coach helping people just like you who are dealing with the stress and pain of divorce. You can join my newsletter list for free weekly advice. And, if you’re ready, you can take the first step toward working with me as your personal coach by scheduling a private consultation.
(c) 2013 Karen Finn. All rights reserved under all copyright conventions.